My dad adamantly refuses to wear depends, not even overnight. He is increasingly having incontinence, both urine but also bowel movements. He cannot get to the bathroom in time when he gets the urge, so soils pajamas. if its urine, he is fine setting the underwear and PJ's aside and getting them washed. However if its a bowel movement accident he refuses to have them washed, and puts the underwear and often also the PJ's into the trash.
THere is often a mess on the floor when he is trying to get to the bathroom with one of these accidents, so then the staff have to clean that up also. I have repeated tried to say, "You have to wear Depends, at least at night." But he adamantly refuses. What to do? The reason given is non sensical given what is happening with the accidents. He says if he is wearing them he may sleep right through an accident and doesnt want to be sleeping with a "wet diaper" on at night. I'm sure part of this is also him not wanting to realize another inevitable part of the aging process as you get near age 90.the doctors have been informed, there is nothing really medically wrong, he's incontinent due to age. His geriatrician has told him to wear depends, even wrote it as a prescription. But still he adamantly refuses. what to do?
Don’t make daytime underwear different than nighttime underwear.
Remove all his cloth underwear , he only gets Depends( or another brand ) pull up to wear from now on .
Tell him it’s ” Doctor’s orders”.
No long discussions about it . If he gives push back “ No Dad , you need them , period”. Or “ It’s not up for discussion “ and leave whenever he brings it up .
No making deals like asking him to only wear them at night. He should not have any say anymore . He is using this as a form of control . He’s always controlling about hygiene etc .
I also think some men relate Depends as being a "women's period pad" and will refuse to wear one. I remember my Dad saying something similar.
Good idea to just remove all undies to force it ! He won’t like it , but probably necessary at this time. For sure - I’m not going to buy new ones
What is medically wrong is that he may have the beginnings of dementia since his logic and reason and empathy have obviously diminished. Maybe start with a discussion with the AL admins to see what they recommend. Maybe there can be an added service to help him navigate this transition? Maybe he is now more of a candidate for MC...?
I'm assuming all his cloth undies have been removed? If not, time to do this and only supply him with pull-up style disposable briefs.
Let it go.
I tried to kindly suggest incontinence disposable underwear to my LO. Then firmly suggest & convince. Booked a continence nurse for a consult, arranged different products to trial, removed regular underwear from the drawer. Advised aides to check.
Well. I then got to THE END of what I could do.
I visited one day. LO had very wet lower clothing. I pointed out the wetness & asked if they wanted to change to something dry. "Why would I?" Was the reply.
I was done.
I let it go.
“No I’m not wet, I’m never wet, go feel the sheets on the bed , they’re not wet. “
No more outings in the car after that . 😒😩
Your father's dementia is quite a bit further along than realized, I think, now that he's refusing Depends in spite of bowel incontinence! His incontinence isn't due to normal aging, but to dementia. My Uncle George was 102 and fully continent with no dementia.
3 said well if I need them, I need them. 1 in 90s, one 80s during an illness & myself after childbirth both times.
The other 2 had a mixture cognitive impairement, denial & pride. Or maybe more lack of insight? (Anosognosia) Flatly refused & carried on just as your Dad is doing.
You mentioned not buying more underwear. Excellent!
Let his supply dwindle way down.
Have at the back of his drawer *for emergencies* a packet of disposable/pullup briefs.
Then, find his *currency*.
Money? If he has a money-saving thrify lean use a little 'therapeutic fib'.. "There were on a GREAT special!"
Choice & Control?
For the OCD/controlling type, buy TWO brands. Then it can still be Dad's CHOICE right?
(Not between regular underwear & disposable - but between brands).
Pride?
Have an acceptable way for him to change his mind. "Says here these are VERY soft & stretchy. See what YOU think?". Or buy the most 'manly looking' packet you can, with a silver fox dude on the label.
I would tell your Dad that the option for AL likely will soon now be removed because of the numbers of accidents. If that happens he will have a roommate, like it or not, and not an especially "good" roommate in all likelihood.
If that doesn't work, I can't imagine what might.
Not everything can be fixed.