My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago. He has also recently been diagnosed with possible Parkinson's or Lewy Body. In January he had his first episode of c-diff, in August he had his second and September he had his third. Each time he spent a week in the hospital and four weeks in a nursing home/rehab. Each time he would walk around, he was not allowed to, looking for his wife, me. I went to see him every day and he was always so glad to see me. I stayed with him the last two days of his latest rehab visit. When he got home today he asked why I didn't take him to his home so he could be with his wife. I tried to remind him that we had just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary four days ago. He called me a liar. It went on for almost three hours. I was so exhausted I completely lost it and started crying. He showed no emotion at all and said he did not love me and wanted to go to his house. He became very angry and said he wanted to go home to his wife. I have been dealing with the situation all by myself and am exhausted. This is not the first time he has gone off about me not being his wife. I feel guilty about even thinking about putting him into dementia care but it am so tired. How do I handle this?
Don't feel guilty about considering putting him in MC or doing it. It's too much for one person. If you want to extent his time home, hire some staff ASAP.
It’s now time to place him .
Alzheimer’s and other Dementias are awful . Visit him and be whoever he thinks you are , whether it be his wife, sister, mother, friend depending on the day .
I’m so sorry . Neither of you are to blame for this situation .
It may take some time to get it arranged so please don’t wait. One of the hardest things may be that your husband’s behavior may improve temporarily, making it easier to deny or procrastinate.
This may continue to happen even AFTER he is placed which is going to make you feel even more terrible about your choice unless you can make peace with it and learn to deflect.
But one thing you can be absolutely sure of, he is never going to get better for more than a while before he plunges down deeper than before. Each time this happens you are going to be grateful all over again that you were proactive and followed through with finding him the care he needs.
Be brave and try not to take it personally - I know, much easier said than done.
P.S. that ‘no emotion’ thing in the face of your anguish is excruciating! I’m so sorry.
There is no reason to feel guilty about placing him, it is more than time, you have done all you can for him at home.
He is old and has a terrible disease that has no cure, admit it and do what is best for the both of you.
Sending support your way.
Your hubby is 91. He has already outlived expectations for a combo Alzheimer's and Lewy's. If he now has C-Diff, which I as an RN respect as a stone-cold KILLER and almost impossible to get rid of without fecal transplant (I am serious here), he is quite remarkable for his survival. But whether he remains with you or goes into care for this last awful time he must remain on earth, I think he is now limited in time.
I would get hospice on board at the least. And to be further frank with you, I would now place him in care lest I end up on his burning funeral pyre as a sacrifice without any benefit to anyone.
I am so sorry. Frankly this torture for both him and for you is quite unimaginable in my mind, and your description brings that all too painfully to life. This sadly is your decision. My worry for you is that placement may see your hubby soon gone and you blaming yourself for what is SURELY COMING INEVITABLY.
My best to you. Again, I would place this dear man, so that at least I could minimally survive what has beset him. I just couldn't be more sorry.
Getting your husband good care?
Having trained people caring for his needs?
Keeping your sanity?
Call and make an appt to tour a Memory Care asap. Actually, make that two or three.
Give it a deadline. Decide by a week from today.
When you visit, you can leave when he gets agitated, and try again a different day.
Usually when you have to ask the question about when is it time to place someone, it is way past time that they should have been placed.
You matter too in this equation, and you now must do what is best for the both of you. And you already know that placing your husband is the best for you both.
Placing him as difficult as it will be, will allow you to get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his burned out, overwhelmed wife.
And please try not to take what your husband is saying so personal, as his brain is now permanently broken and he cannot help the things he says. I know this is easier said than done, but you must remind yourself that this is not your husband but is the horrible disease of dementia.
God bless you as you take this very difficult journey with your husband.