I am newly married and finally getting my life on track at a late stage- I want to be there for my parents but not to the level my siblings do. I have recently made this clear and now my parents won't talk to me and my siblings are furious. This is sooo hard. Has anyone else had issues with sibling in this arena?
guilty about doing so. You could be at this for years. We’ve been at this for at least 5 years now. my one sister bears the brunt of caregiving, the other will only step in in an emergency. I come back to help my parents every other month. I live 3000 miles away and refuse to move back to do anything more.
My parents did not make any decisions about any end of life arrangements . It comes down to not trusting us, that’s why they did not do POAs, no irrevocable trusts, they didn’t add us to the house deed so we could avoid probate and paying the house expenses for a couple of years. It is a real s**t show.
Now they are 94 and outliving their money. My mother was at deaths door in the summer but now she has a pacemaker and tells me every chance she gets that she wishes she was dead. My father can no longer walk or use the toilet and when the aide is not there my sister gets phone calls to come change him.
Christmas Day he fell because his legs are so heavy with fluid that he can’t pick them up. My sister spent hours in the ER and they sent him
bsck home by ambulance. My mother texted me. I think she expected that I’d drop everything and come back. I responded that I was sorry to hear it. I told her I booked my flight for my January visit.
I told my mother last month that my dad needs to be in a nursing home but it falls on deaf ears. I acknowledge I don’t have any control of the situation and i just let her continue on.
Create your boundaries and stick to them. It sounds heartless but it is a healthier approach to this situation. you will a better caregiver if you don’t harbor resentment and feel you have control over your personhood.
Refusing to make any arrangements for old age is a classic for many of our beloved seniors. It's not so much that they don't trust their family and think they will rip them of. It's more a belief that if they hold onto the money and property with an iron fist, it's a of insurance policy that guarantees they won't get placed in a "home". Their adult kids will enslave themselves to their needs of they want to inherit.
This is common but not a good thing because often elders end up being abused and neglected at home. Their families cannot care for them properly but still try to preserve assets. A disaster.
You are most certainly doing the right thing and are handling the situation as you should. It is out of your hands and your mother will have to decide what to do with your father. They could move to a facility where they could live together, even if it's in different levels of care. Something to think about and I hope your mother does.
Yes it is hard that your parents don't talk to you. Tell yourself: "My parents are being unreasonable, and I can't change that. All I can do is accept it and let it go." Tell them, if they listen, that: "When you're open to it, I am willing to help with __, ___, and ___. That's all I can do, and I hope you will accept it."
Yes it is hard that your siblings are furious. They are thinking they have to help more since you help less, and they are also wishing they could do what you do which is help less. Tell them: "I love mom and dad, but I am not willing to ruin my health and my marriage for them. I offer what I can offer. I hope you all will accept it."
You made yourself clear that you're not going to take on the level of caregiving they are willing to. That is your right and it's okay if you don't.
I always say that caregiving only works if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's. You have already let your siblings and parents know how much you're willing to help with. That is your boundary and you are right to set one.
Your parents and siblings are acting like children. You know how to deal with brat kids don't you?
IGNORE THEM!!!
Go zero-no contact with your parents or siblings. Let them come to you when they're ready to be reasonable.
In the meantime, enjoy being a newlywed. Take a second honeymoon. Go away for a romantic weekend. Enjoy this time together and keep in mind that you aren't doing anything wrong.
You are allowed to say no.
"I have recently made this clear and now my parents won't talk to me and my siblings are furious".
They want you to change your mind & am hoping their sulk or anger will do it.
Stay the adult. Stay reasonable. Repeat your no with calmness to the angry ones. Let the sulkers sulk.
They have zero power to make you DO anything afterall.
** You are not responsible for other's reactions to your no **
However, my sister is a wonderful ear and friend, and she appreciates the care we give. She does what she can...she came down to see Mom when hubby and I had a vacation...but she can't do a lot.
When my grandfather was dying, 5 of his 9 kids pitched in (and myself). The other four did not. There was some grumbling, but at the end of the day, it wasn't worth ex-communicating the ones who didn't help. They had their reasons and their own lives to tend to. The rest of us were able to step up. I myself didn't feel like a martyr...I was glad to spend that time with my grandpa.
I guess I'm saying that not all people resent their other sibs in these situations. Their holier-than-though attitudes and fury don't seem to take into account all you've done already. You have found happiness and a partner, and you've been a devoted daughter. It's FINE if you need to step back. Offer the things you can do, and if your parents and siblings take you up on it, great. If not, say, "Okay, sorry that won't work for you. Love you! Talk to you soon."
Being an adult child with parents who need care should not be a prison sentence.
You are no longer available to help your parents with your new life. Your parents require either caregivers at home or be placed in a facility.
You are an adult, not a child, can decide for yourself and cannot be manipulated or stuck in gaslighting with this family. If your family continues their dysfunctions, move far, far away from those who are Not Your Friends nor support your new life. Please, everyone, wake up to reality. Your family will never change.
I encourage you to preserve your marriage by discussing your feelings and plans about your parents with your husband and your siblings; I hope you did this before you married as it is only fair. And it is fair to make clear the ways in which you can helps, perhaps with some appointments, with house cleaning, with shopping or cooking once in a while, and the ways in which you will NEVER have any intention of helping (ie in home care or the use of your own funds).
Your siblings will make their own choices; they may judge you for your choices, but it is crucial you make them and stick to them. You otherwise will lose your husband and your quality of life and likely decades dedicated to caring for your parents.
I was raised by my parents to know they never wanted me to care for them directly in their elder years. That a child is raised by a parent and then goes on to raise and support its own children, have its own life. Raised to fly the nest in time with a strong support from having been raised by good and loving parents.
I am 80 now and I have raised my children the same way. My daughter is now 61. Is she to give up some of the best years of her life? After raising her own child and getting him through college, after working and nearing a retirement she can enjoy with her already retired hubby in some of the best, most free quality time just to care for ME???? Then she is giving up some of the best years of her one and only life.
We all think about this differently. You shouldn't judge your siblings for their plans, and they have no right to judge you. If they do so reply gently that there is no easy way to face the concerns of aging parents, but that you are doing your best for this your only life they gave to you, to live it to the best of your ability. That you are sorry to your siblings down, but their judging you won't change your decisions.
If they continue you should distance yourself from them and make solid friends out there in the world, who will be supportive of your choices.
This was posted under guilt. Choose your G-words carefully as they matter. You are feeling GRIEF that there is no way to do it all and to do it perfectly. You didn't cause this conundrum. And you aren't god. You can't fix everything. And some things cannot be fixed; they can only be GRIEVED. Leave guilt to felons who do evil with malice aforethought. My best to you.
What is it your siblings are expecting you to do?
It's great when families can divvy up the management of the care of elderly family members. Someone helps out with arranging doctors appointments, someone with financial acumen has POA and pays bills, someone arranges in-home care.
BUT often there comes a time when all of this falls apart. Someone has to have the good sense to say "nope, you're not independent any longer and you need to live elsewhere".
Is that you?
The fact that your siblings and parents expect this of you says to me they are the ones with the issues. You are protecting yourself and your new marriage, as you should. It's hard to do but try not to feel guilty about it. It's much much harder to extricate yourself from this when you get entrenched in it. I think you're doing the right thing by protecting yourself.