I am newly married and finally getting my life on track at a late stage- I want to be there for my parents but not to the level my siblings do. I have recently made this clear and now my parents won't talk to me and my siblings are furious. This is sooo hard. Has anyone else had issues with sibling in this arena?
What is it your siblings are expecting you to do?
It's great when families can divvy up the management of the care of elderly family members. Someone helps out with arranging doctors appointments, someone with financial acumen has POA and pays bills, someone arranges in-home care.
BUT often there comes a time when all of this falls apart. Someone has to have the good sense to say "nope, you're not independent any longer and you need to live elsewhere".
Is that you?
Yes it is hard that your parents don't talk to you. Tell yourself: "My parents are being unreasonable, and I can't change that. All I can do is accept it and let it go." Tell them, if they listen, that: "When you're open to it, I am willing to help with __, ___, and ___. That's all I can do, and I hope you will accept it."
Yes it is hard that your siblings are furious. They are thinking they have to help more since you help less, and they are also wishing they could do what you do which is help less. Tell them: "I love mom and dad, but I am not willing to ruin my health and my marriage for them. I offer what I can offer. I hope you all will accept it."
I want to get married and have a career by next year but I'm afraid she will continue to manipulate me even if I do manage to escape
Back in my 20s, my Mom demanded that I come home. I didn't. She took me off the will and she told me she was going to do it. I told her to take me off.
She was mad. My father was secretly glad that I stood up to her as it showed I was an adult. I got married. She got more mad, but there was nothing more she could threaten me with.
We continued to talk. The relationship was strained. I was careful not to ask for anything financial. Any advice she gave me, I told her that I might or might not use it.
30 years later, she finally realized that I was much more successful than she ever was and told me so. I was on my guard because any compliment from her usually had a something attached. I continued to refuse all financial gifts from her and rarely asked or used her advice. My sister and brother were given lavish gifts for complying to her wishes.
20 years later, I'm the one she is trusting with her money and her life. She doesn't trust the others as they can be bribed (her words).
Life has a funny way of revealing itself.
Stand your ground and become successful. Keep the lines of communication open, but only on your terms. It may take years, however, at least you know that the success was all yours.
You are allowed to say no.
"I have recently made this clear and now my parents won't talk to me and my siblings are furious".
They want you to change your mind & am hoping their sulk or anger will do it.
Stay the adult. Stay reasonable. Repeat your no with calmness to the angry ones. Let the sulkers sulk.
They have zero power to make you DO anything afterall.
** You are not responsible for other's reactions to your no **
If you are 60, how old are your parents? How old are your siblings? How many of them, and what are they doing for your parents? Do you all live in the same area?
Make some suggestions, offer what you ARE willing to do (if anything) and go on with your day. Your relationships may never be quite what they were before you decided that it was time to put yourself first but I think it's a fair price to pay for living your own life.
Good luck.
All this needs to be ironed out by people today.
Feelings are not actions and no one should feel guilty about how they feel.
It would be good to think through these issues, before trying to work out how to go forward. Points to think about:
1) You, or any of your siblings, could have dropped dead (stroke, accident, whatever) at any time. Your parents” care needs could have increased dramatically at any time. Your life has changed, but any change was possible. In fact, at the ages of everyone involved, sooner or later one of these changes was bound to happen. With any change, all of you need to plan again for current needs, future needs, and available resources.
2) Now that this change has happened, complaining that it has happened is pointless. It’s time for a new plan, with everyone involved. In home carers? Assisted Living? Payment to the ones who do the most work?
3) Set up a meeting, perhaps first with just siblings and spouses. Sympathise with the unexpected change for everyone, but stress that it was really bound to happen, for one reason or another. What are the possible options? What does everyone prefer? How will parents react?
4) Read the Care Topics (click on the top RHS of the site screen) so that you are reasonably knowledgeable about the options and terms – AS SL NH MC etc. Print out the information for the siblings.
5) Set up another meeting when everyone has had a chance to think it through. Agree whether or not to discuss it with parents at this time. Remember that a lot of complaining is likely, but YOU DON”T HAVE TO BE THERE to hear it. With luck, they will get it off their chests before the next meeting.
My suggestion would be to avoid justifying yourself, your marriage, your rights for your own life. Ask your new husband to do the same, not to stick up for you or to lose his temper. Just sympathise with how difficult it is for everyone to change, but repeat that it was bound to happen.
Good luck, Margaret
You are free to make your own decisions in life and only you can decide if they are decisions you can live with. You may regret them later or maybe not. What I will say is that with that many people mad at you it is likely you are being perceived as selfish. Maybe that’s a problem or maybe it isn’t. It partially depends on if you want to keep those relationships.
I have a lot of siblings and I think the standard of care they want for my mom is unreasonable and unsustainable so I will not meet it. However, I am willing to do what I think is reasonable. I listen to caregivers, doctors, friends, and others to gauge how reasonable I am being. Will I pay to make sure mom can go on a world cruise? Absolutely not. Will I help mom visit her sister in another country? Possibly.
Make sure you really understand what your mom needs because often the sibling who is underperforming is oblivious to the needs of the parent and the amount of effort others are putting in - and sometimes that ignorance is by choice to alleviate feelings of guilt which can be infuriating to those on the front lines.
Since you put in 5 years you are probably not ignorant of your parents’ needs. You are making a conscious effort to pull back which means your siblings either need to take up the slack or your parents have to lower their standard of living. You can see why they are upset with you. If you have been providing more care than your siblings maybe it is their turn now. If you have been sharing the load equally maybe you should realize you are now viewed as not doing your fair share.
Nowhere does it say we all have to contribute equally or at all to the care of our parents. Likewise, they can also think you are a selfish person and cut ties with you. Figure out what is important to you.
I also want to say that everyone (if they are contributing) is probably making sacrifices you may not be aware of. My marriage, my work, my emotional health have all suffered but because I don’t have kids and my siblings do somehow they think my life is easy and I have more bandwidth than they do. When you say you are “getting your life on track” there is a perception that somehow now that you have responsibilities and personal goals to attend to that you deserve to put yourself first. In my family the least responsible, least productive, least caring, least available ones were the ones that kept saying they had higher priorities. As one of the responsible ones all I can say to that is I have all the obligations they have and then some but I MAKE TIME because I feel it is the right thing to do. They think we are sharing the load equally but they are very wrong about that and yes I resent that. However, that is my choice. I hope they sleep well at night because I do.
This is in response to your previous questions on the thread about how to find an AL, who takes the calls, who makes the final arrangements, etc?
Here's the answer.
The FAMILY does. You do. Your sister does. Any other siblings you have also do.
This is why people have to get together and have a meeting and decide how these things get done.
Also, the part about one of you having to sign paperwork to be a 'guarantor' to pay the bills if they go into arrears in a nursing home or AL is not true.
A facility will try to shakedown a family to get someone to willingly sign an agreement like this, but it is not required.
I remember the shakedown my father's nursing home tried to pull on me when he was placed there. It was legendary.
They sent two social workers to do it and even offered me some coffee and donuts. It was adorable. I told these two that a mafia capo wasn't able to shake my grandfather down in the 1920's and I'm his granddaughter. They'd have to do better.
No none signed anything like that anf my father was in that NH until I had him moved to a better one where I also did not sign any papers agreeing to be a guarantor.
However, my sister is a wonderful ear and friend, and she appreciates the care we give. She does what she can...she came down to see Mom when hubby and I had a vacation...but she can't do a lot.
When my grandfather was dying, 5 of his 9 kids pitched in (and myself). The other four did not. There was some grumbling, but at the end of the day, it wasn't worth ex-communicating the ones who didn't help. They had their reasons and their own lives to tend to. The rest of us were able to step up. I myself didn't feel like a martyr...I was glad to spend that time with my grandpa.
I guess I'm saying that not all people resent their other sibs in these situations. Their holier-than-though attitudes and fury don't seem to take into account all you've done already. You have found happiness and a partner, and you've been a devoted daughter. It's FINE if you need to step back. Offer the things you can do, and if your parents and siblings take you up on it, great. If not, say, "Okay, sorry that won't work for you. Love you! Talk to you soon."
Being an adult child with parents who need care should not be a prison sentence.
Not sure whether you don't want to be there for your parents as much as your siblings are, or as much as your siblings want you to be.
Were you carrying an equal load before or were you carrying more than the others?
It seems unreasonable to me that your parents won't talk to you and that your siblings are furious because your circumstances have changed which has changed your ability to help.
The fact that your siblings and parents expect this of you says to me they are the ones with the issues. You are protecting yourself and your new marriage, as you should. It's hard to do but try not to feel guilty about it. It's much much harder to extricate yourself from this when you get entrenched in it. I think you're doing the right thing by protecting yourself.
guilty about doing so. You could be at this for years. We’ve been at this for at least 5 years now. my one sister bears the brunt of caregiving, the other will only step in in an emergency. I come back to help my parents every other month. I live 3000 miles away and refuse to move back to do anything more.
My parents did not make any decisions about any end of life arrangements . It comes down to not trusting us, that’s why they did not do POAs, no irrevocable trusts, they didn’t add us to the house deed so we could avoid probate and paying the house expenses for a couple of years. It is a real s**t show.
Now they are 94 and outliving their money. My mother was at deaths door in the summer but now she has a pacemaker and tells me every chance she gets that she wishes she was dead. My father can no longer walk or use the toilet and when the aide is not there my sister gets phone calls to come change him.
Christmas Day he fell because his legs are so heavy with fluid that he can’t pick them up. My sister spent hours in the ER and they sent him
bsck home by ambulance. My mother texted me. I think she expected that I’d drop everything and come back. I responded that I was sorry to hear it. I told her I booked my flight for my January visit.
I told my mother last month that my dad needs to be in a nursing home but it falls on deaf ears. I acknowledge I don’t have any control of the situation and i just let her continue on.
Create your boundaries and stick to them. It sounds heartless but it is a healthier approach to this situation. you will a better caregiver if you don’t harbor resentment and feel you have control over your personhood.
Refusing to make any arrangements for old age is a classic for many of our beloved seniors. It's not so much that they don't trust their family and think they will rip them of. It's more a belief that if they hold onto the money and property with an iron fist, it's a of insurance policy that guarantees they won't get placed in a "home". Their adult kids will enslave themselves to their needs of they want to inherit.
This is common but not a good thing because often elders end up being abused and neglected at home. Their families cannot care for them properly but still try to preserve assets. A disaster.
You are most certainly doing the right thing and are handling the situation as you should. It is out of your hands and your mother will have to decide what to do with your father. They could move to a facility where they could live together, even if it's in different levels of care. Something to think about and I hope your mother does.
my MIL , in memory care and on Medicaid, needs new glasses, old ones keep breaking .. MPOA isn’t doing anything about it .. my husband called the optometrist office and they agreed to allow a new pair to be ordered under the old prescription. FPOA refuses to use her funds … wants to force MPOA to take her to an appointment ..
JUST CRAZY
You made yourself clear that you're not going to take on the level of caregiving they are willing to. That is your right and it's okay if you don't.
I always say that caregiving only works if it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's. You have already let your siblings and parents know how much you're willing to help with. That is your boundary and you are right to set one.
Your parents and siblings are acting like children. You know how to deal with brat kids don't you?
IGNORE THEM!!!
Go zero-no contact with your parents or siblings. Let them come to you when they're ready to be reasonable.
In the meantime, enjoy being a newlywed. Take a second honeymoon. Go away for a romantic weekend. Enjoy this time together and keep in mind that you aren't doing anything wrong.
You are no longer available to help your parents with your new life. Your parents require either caregivers at home or be placed in a facility.
You are an adult, not a child, can decide for yourself and cannot be manipulated or stuck in gaslighting with this family. If your family continues their dysfunctions, move far, far away from those who are Not Your Friends nor support your new life. Please, everyone, wake up to reality. Your family will never change.
Be strong, stay true to your boundaries and, don't allow siblings nor parents " guilt trip" you.
Caregiving and consideration of all options ( in home vs facility and
" level of care" needs) are never easy and, are continuously changing as age and illnesses progress.
If your family is open to a family meeting, encourage one with the parents physician and/ or faith or spiritual leader to meet with you and your family and include parents to bring a presence of neutral support for everyone and, help with understanding and mutual acceptance of everyone.
Stay strong, stick to your boundaries.
Wouldn’t you feel the same way as you do now if you were an only child? Be proud of yourself for being an independent person who thinks for themself.
If you didn’t have siblings you would most likely enlist outside help for your parents and continue on with your life. Your siblings can hire outside help if they need additional support.
Parents don’t always understand, especially if they haven’t dealt with caregiving responsibilities themselves. Neither of my parents cared for their parents. Or maybe if they did care for their parents, they expect their children to care for them.
Do what is right for you. Allow them to feel however they choose to feel. You can’t change others opinions of you. If they are close minded any explanation that you say to them won’t be accepted. You know the truth and that is the only thing that truly matters.
Of course, it hurts to be rejected by your own family. Accept that they may never see your point of view, although I hope they do one day. Neither your siblings nor your parents should resent you for wanting to live your own life. Be clear about what you will and won’t do if you choose to help in some way.
There are wonderful people in this world that will appreciate you for being true to yourself. Sometimes, these people become more like family members than people that are actually related to us.
I encourage you to preserve your marriage by discussing your feelings and plans about your parents with your husband and your siblings; I hope you did this before you married as it is only fair. And it is fair to make clear the ways in which you can helps, perhaps with some appointments, with house cleaning, with shopping or cooking once in a while, and the ways in which you will NEVER have any intention of helping (ie in home care or the use of your own funds).
Your siblings will make their own choices; they may judge you for your choices, but it is crucial you make them and stick to them. You otherwise will lose your husband and your quality of life and likely decades dedicated to caring for your parents.
I was raised by my parents to know they never wanted me to care for them directly in their elder years. That a child is raised by a parent and then goes on to raise and support its own children, have its own life. Raised to fly the nest in time with a strong support from having been raised by good and loving parents.
I am 80 now and I have raised my children the same way. My daughter is now 61. Is she to give up some of the best years of her life? After raising her own child and getting him through college, after working and nearing a retirement she can enjoy with her already retired hubby in some of the best, most free quality time just to care for ME???? Then she is giving up some of the best years of her one and only life.
We all think about this differently. You shouldn't judge your siblings for their plans, and they have no right to judge you. If they do so reply gently that there is no easy way to face the concerns of aging parents, but that you are doing your best for this your only life they gave to you, to live it to the best of your ability. That you are sorry to your siblings down, but their judging you won't change your decisions.
If they continue you should distance yourself from them and make solid friends out there in the world, who will be supportive of your choices.
This was posted under guilt. Choose your G-words carefully as they matter. You are feeling GRIEF that there is no way to do it all and to do it perfectly. You didn't cause this conundrum. And you aren't god. You can't fix everything. And some things cannot be fixed; they can only be GRIEVED. Leave guilt to felons who do evil with malice aforethought. My best to you.
Maybe offer to pay for a housekeeper or do some online shopping? Just a suggestion because a lot of support can be done online. Pay for part of caregiver hours?
Give it some time and maybe a good meeting with siblings could happen. Mention the changes occurring with your parents so everyone can decide together. It may be time for outside caregivers to come to their home.
If your siblings are still angry let it go and visit mom/dad when you can. Take a meal or treats and at least you offered to help.
Do and keep being as supportive as you can, and live with the reactions; you’re not in control of them. If you stay in the picture in some way they’ll get used to it and they’ll understand. If it means you’re asking more of them it’s an adjustment. And most people are not happy when they have to go through an adjustment they didn’t choose. this is normal. everyone will eventually get over it. I believe that because if everybody is being supportive right now sounds like you’ve got a good family. Good luck.
1. Hang in there and put your immediate family / new husband FIRST.
2. Set your boundaries (as you did) and keep to them.
3. Do not be intimidated although feel through the hurt (process it so it doesn't get stuck in there).
4. Realize that some people CANNOT set boundaries so are 'mad' at others that do ... when others' believe it is YOUR responsibility to do XXX for them. It isn't.
5. As you need, take time to process - on your own, with your new husband. Cry. Be present. Know (and believe in) your priorities and needs.
FORMOST:
Know you deserve a life and to be happy. Way too many here drain themselves because they do not know how to care for themselves (or immediate family).
Many people are 'working' on / when depleted because they THINK they have to. Each family dynamic is different although a person will work themselves into a breakdown if. they do not set boundaries and care about their self / find and maintain an equanimity. It takes work for self-care. Many never know / learn this.
If you/caregivers/family do not take care of themselves first, they are good for no one, including the intended elder.
Siblings will come around - give them time. They need YOU and will need to work with you. If they don't, it is a loss to everyone in the family, including them.
After some time (you need to decide or with family / sibling) when you can have a ... congenial ... conversation to address the needs and who does what. At the very least (or not least), caregivers may need to be arranged which means discussing finances (either family support or mother herself or both). Is there a POA in charge? This is important.
And, know the needs do not lessen, they increase. A plan needs to be in place to manage needs as they come up. This sounds like a first step.
GOOD FOR YOU. Reach out to us when you need to. We are here for you.
Gena / Touch Matters
All this to say, I'm sure they just don't "get it" yet, but you definitely are making the best choice for yourself at this point in time!
Hey, we have all been frustrated! Don’t beat yourself up. This whole ‘caregiver’ situation is a journey.
It’s often a complicated process that takes time to sort out.
My caregiver days are over now. Hindsight is 20/20. No one knows everything right away. It’s a struggle.
I love your honesty and humility.
Great response!