My sister and I both have POA for our mom. My sister lives about 45 minutes away from where we placed her in assisted living. I live 15 minutes away. I have retired and my sister works 2 jobs. My sister wanted our mom to be in an assisted living facility near her. Her reason was that it was so far for her to drive. I wanted her near me because I take care of all medical issues, take her to her doctors and since I retired when I check on her each day I can go at different times to see what is going on. We placed her near me but my sister is still angry about it and looks for every little thing to complain about. If she presses the issue and we can’t agree what do we do?
I want what is best for mom. I can get to her quickly should the need arise and she is already established with doctors where she lives. All advice is welcomed.
When mom first moved out of her home, she went to an Independent Living Facility that was in HER neighborhood (so her friends could visit; none ever did) and about equidistant from one brother and me.
After about 2 years there, mom had a stroke and was sent to the ER via ambulance. Mom couldn't speak, so she just nodded in agreement with anything they asked, like "do you take insulin for diabetes?".
Be the time my brother got there an hour later, mom was being given insulin. Have you ever tried to get someeone taken OFF insulin when they've endorsed it as being on their med list? Oy!
We agreed then and there that mom needed to be 10 minutes from ONE of us from there on in. I was then 90 minutes drive from mom; I made the trip either every or every other week, depending on the weather. My brother and SIL were able to drop in several times a week.
Ignore your sister's complaints after explaining ONE MORE TIME that someone needs to be very close by for emergencies.
To me it sounds like your sister is being very selfish in wanting mom near her, when it is you who does all the leg work and she works 2 jobs. She's obviously just wanting her life to be more convenient, and the heck with things being convenient for you and your mom.
When someone is suffering from any of the dementias, the worst thing you can do is to keep moving them from here to there. They do much better in surroundings that they're familiar with, and with routine, so tell sis that for now mom is where she needs to be, and that you are doing what is in the best interest of mom, and not her, as that really is the bottom line. Best wishes.
Obviously mom should be where she is well cared for, close to her service providers and hands on caregiver but, that doesn't make anyone wrong for wanting her closer so they can see more of her.
Perhaps offering to take mom to sisters house for a weekly visit would solve a difficult situation. That way she isn't driving for an hour and half for a visit.
- daily if possible, connect your sister and mom via live screen so they can see one another’s faces, and hear one another’s voices, even if they’re just “together” and not talking - we use FaceTime which comes free on iPad, or Zoom which is also free and very easy to use and works on many different devices. To accomplish this:
- buy two electronic, easy to hold tablets of some sort. In our family we all like lightweight iPads so we can FaceTime
- gift one to your sister and you carry one back and forth from your mom’s assisted living center (so it isn’t swiped by someone)
- you both must have internet access
- whenever convenient, such as your sister’s lunch break, or as she is putting on makeup in the morning, or when she is sitting on her porch at night with her feet up, obviously when you are with your mother, just press the button on your device to call her device, or have her press her button to call your device, and voila you’re connected for a long or short visit
Buying two electronic devices is going to be literally thousands of times cheaper (monetarily & in physical effort) than moving your mother to live close to your sister and far from you as daily caregiver.
As ACaringDaughter remarked one hour ago: “If you do everything just as your sister wishes, she might not be happy anyway.”
As Taarna said 40 minutes ago: “ It sounds more like your sister is not happy with her life situation. When she compares her life to yours, she feels anger.” Bingo! Sister isn’t going to be happy, no matter how many times you give in to her understandable but irrational demands, thus:
I think you need to tell your sister you’ve heard her concerns, considered logical options, and connecting with mother electronically will be the compromise (at least until sister retires, and until your mother needs more care and needs to move anyway at which time mom can move close to sister, and sister can take over the daily care).
The modern era’s electronic connection capabilities border on miraculous. Take advantage! Steel yourself against your sister’s complaints, YOU are doing virtually all the heavy lifting with your mother’s care, and it sounds like you are doing an absolutely brilliant job. Stay strong!
Visitation is not the only need she has.
I have to run over to my mother’s MC FREQUENTLY. She is currently having fainting spells. When she is REALLY out of it, I need to go over there.
Also, she needs me to keep my eye on her caregivers. They are lovely people, but we all know that if they are thanked frequently, they will treat our Loved Ones better. Human nature. If it is possible to do it in person, all the better.
Again, you are doing the right thing by your mother. That’s my vote.
As long as the facility is taking good care of her.
I think the wisest decision was made.
With dementia to move her now would probably do more harm than good if it is only to get her closer to your sister.
May I suggest that you and your sister engage a counsellor for some mediation counselling and outlining a plan of care for your mom for health issues. I would also suggest you read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud to come up with a plan to handle your sister's hostile comments.
My husbands family was in total disagreement. Oldest was power playing …male, oldest…yayadadayada Family totally split. No repair! Honest communication goes a long way .
https://apfmnet.org/frequently-asked-questions-about-family-mediation/
Fortunately neither of you is terribly far from your mother whichever location you finally finally finally decide on!
To be your sister's advocate - she's working 2 jobs, you're retired = you've got more free time to fit a one and a half hour round trip into than she has. And a 45 minute drive, although it's not on the doorstep, isn't so far that you can't be there within the hour if you're needed.
How do the facilities themselves compare?
Does your mother have an opinion?
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