I've posted a few questions regarding the situation with my father, but here we are again with another major health issue and another instance where he will demand to go home even though he is unable.
A little backstory, my 70 year old father has a slew of health issues that make it basically impossible to live alone. He is legally blind, and after a stroke last year cannot walk without the assistance of a walker. After the stroke, my boyfriend and I moved in with him for a half a year to help get him back on his feet, and he left rehab against medical advice. Since, he has fallen many times but stayed relatively stable. He has a home health aide that helps during the day and provides meals, and has basically refused any other assistance. He has since been diagnosed with lung cancer and put on hospice, but that actually turned out to be worse for him. He was over medicated and developed pneumonia that hospice did not catch despite multiple pleas from I and his health aide that something was wrong. He fell and broke his arm last week.
He has agreed to two weeks in rehab to give his arm to heal. With a walker, he obviously needs two worker arms to get around. However he insists two weeks is it and is already being combative about refusing to stay longer than that no matter what happens. Worse yet, he's admitted to me that he is having hallucinations but will not tell the doctors for fear of his decision making taken away from him. I've informed the case worker and am prepared for the incoming attack about that fact.
Honestly, when is enough enough? I can't move back in with him, all the doctors keep deeming him mentally competent....I'm just done. I suffered through this same battle last year and spent the following months resentful, angry, and depressed. I don't know this scared and angry man anymore. He wants to go home and die, but doesn't care at all about what that is doing to myself and his care worker. There is no way in good conscious I could drive him home or let him have his dog back.
Do I cut contact? Let him scream and blame me for everything until he can't anymore? What have other people in this position done?
I am truly sorry!
Hugs!!
YOU need to figure out what YOU can do. Like visit once a week. The fact that your dad is I'll does not make it possible for him to consider you his slave.
If he wants to be at home with a hired caretaker, so be it. Set some healthy boundaries and give of your time as you see fit. Not as he demands.
I'm dead serious about that. He wants to go. Let him.
I'd say now.
He cannot look after himself. He may want to - but he can't.
His care needs have grown too big for you. You may want to do it all - but it's too big.
Are these the facts? If so, that swipes all the *but I want...* off the table & leaves the real choices. Ask the Social Worker what the real choices are here. (Looks like AL or NH to me).
He will be angry if he can't have what he wants. That's understandable. He got old & sick - no-one wants that. But that's just life. Everybody's life unless unlucky enough to die when young & healthy.
You don't have to cut contact. Just explain it simply. "You need help. I can't do it all. We will ask for help. If you have to move, so be it. I will take care of your dog & visit you".
Every single person involved agrees that it is a complete danger for him to be home. He can't cook, clean, even microwave a dinner for himself. He was having trouble walking with a walker due to balance issues, and now with only one arm he has only a cane. However, he is still deemed mentally competant. His case workers are all trying to get him the care he needs, but due to his injury, his own stubbornness, and the pandemic now it looks like he won't even have the services he once did. It looks like now when he can find a ride (which won't be me) he will be going home with nothing.
Your father is in need of "case management" services. Call the local Area Agency on Aging to get him signed up for that.
Is it possible that your dad is in need of mental health services, say, for depression? Talk to the SW about that as well.
However, the doctors are recommending 24/7 care now, either at home or in a facility. Hospice has dropped him as they cannot provide that care at home, and the agency he has used in the past is looking into 24/7 home care but with the pandemic it is very unlikely it will be approved.
Every single person involved agrees that it is a complete danger for him to be home. He can't cook, clean, even microwave a dinner for himself. He was having trouble walking with a walker due to balance issues, and now with only one arm he has only a can. However, he is still deemed mentally competant. His case workers are all trying to get him the care he needs, but due to his injury, his own stubbornness, and the pandemic now it looks like he won't even have the services he once did.
You have two weeks in hand. When he starts up with the "I"m not staying in this dump" routine, all you have to say is "we'll see."
When he starts up with proposals that would involve you being on his premises, you look at your watch and have a pressing engagement elsewhere.
Meanwhile: his wish to go home and die may not be unreasonable, and may not be unmanageable. That does not mean that you have to provide the management. Discuss it with his care team as one option.
Lung cancer. Pneumonia. Broken bone. Angry outbursts. Have you had any information about his current condition and his prognosis?
Allow your dad to settle in to his new situation with health care workers, adjustments to "home life"... Visit and help in small ways but never in ways that create problems for you or him long term. The goal is to keep dad safe and healthy... and to keep you sane, safe and healthy.
See All Answers