In 11 days my husband will go to memory care. A few days after that, he'll have back surgery and then rehab/recovery back in MC. He's so focused on the surgery helping him regain leg strength, that's all he's focused on. We've bought some furniture for his room and he appears to understand that it's permanent, but then he'll ask me how long he'll be there. Third time now. Stupid me.... I KNOW I'm not supposed to "explain" the reality to him but when he seems "normal" I fall into being his wife and sweetheart and feel like he'll know if I'm lying or playing games with him. So I tell him it's not just the legs, it's the dementia. Then he gets quiet and/or angry/hurt. I've made him suffer again. This is the 3rd time. Why can't I learn???
Everybody says what NOT to say, but what should I tell him when he asks again? I've tried saying, "Let's just take it one step at a time." Any other suggestions? He's in mid-stages, but functioning well most days, at least he SEEMS to be. Don't know how he'll be post-anesthesia. I know that will not be good for his brain either.
Just keep telling him you don't know how long.
Now, you're going to be in for a very trying period of transition with him once he's in the MC. He will insist on coming home and that will likely be what he gets fixated on every time you visit or call him. It will be okay. You're doing what you know has to be done. All you can do is try to be patient and remember to take care of yourself and your own needs.
You can tell DH that he is going into this AL on doctor's orders. He can come home when the doctor tells you both it's okay to do so. End of subject. Keep repeating that statement over and over again, as needed, when DH questions you.
Being totally 'honest' with a dementia sufferer makes no sense, really, because there is a broken brain involved here. The real goal is to keep them calm and relaxed at all costs. Don't apply rules of normal life to dementia! There's nothing normal about dementia, so that's when we need to get creative with what we say to our loved ones to reduce their stress. Of course there's nothing 'happy' about dementia, let's face it! But life in Memory Care isn't all bad, either. They get to socialize daily with people their own age who are in the same boat. My mother's life in MC is pretty decent, really. She now thinks the staff takes her out every evening to a different restaurant and to a show, so that makes her quite happy! She's made a few friends there, too, and they do activities together and whatnot. It's the best of a bad situation, in reality. I never talk to her about having 'dementia', of course, because that serves no useful purpose. She knows she's got a poor memory and I tell her we ALL have memory issues as we age. She knows she's living in an AL b/c she needs A LOT of help with everything.
Wishing you the best of luck getting DH set up in MC and with his upcoming surgery.
He is going to memory care, then surgery then rehab. Why not straight to surgery, then rehab then figure out what care he needs. I am puzzled about why memory care first. How long after memory care entry is the surgery?
There is no way to make things all rosey; not everything can be fixed. Do the best you can. Allow him the sadness of the situation.
I think there is no answer here that will lead to happiness, so why not just be honest?
I am so sorry you are both enduring this.
You'll do better at catching yourself before you bring up his dementia. Follow his lead. If he's happy to focus on the back surgery and recovery, then go with that.
I like your saying of taking it one step at a time. Have a subject ready to change the topic to.
We're all human, doing the best we can, and we will continue to make mistakes. Care taking is not easy so we do what we can but it pushes us to our limits much more often than we would like.
You aren't lying or playing games, you don't know.
If he persists, tell him when he has recovered he will get to go home.
You know he won't recover but, he doesn't. Again, you aren't lying, just not elaborating.