When you no longer exist as a daughter?

I understand exactly what you are going through. My mom thinks that I am a nurse, a man, or the "other Andrea," even though I am with her 24/7.

But, she remembers my sister who visits once or twice a week.

It's the most horrifying feeling in the world. It makes me feel angry and resentful, even though I am aware that it is the disease.

The only thing that helps is participating on the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group, where we all are able to vent without judgment.

I realize it is hard for you. I too, am going through the same with my mother. Usually, there is a sibling that the parent will take longer to loose in her mind. I have a younger brother that my mother still remembers. It hurts but it is not her fault. Her brain is deteriorating and she can't help it. Try to remember to take deep breaths to relax and it really helps. Try to change the conversation.
Tell her that you are there to visit her. After a different subject she will have forgotten what she said earlier. She may not remember you but she will talk to you nicely. But I do understand how you are feeling. Remember she loves all her children even if she does not remember. Good Luck.

First and foremost don’t take this as she does not love. The mom before the disease is still in there. Your moms new personality is the dementia. The pain and suffering you are feeling now is real and needs to be addressed. Try to talk with someone about your true feelings expressing them will make it easier to deal with. Take time for yourself. If your mom prefers your sister ask her for assistance more. Know that all you can do is your best only you are the judge of that. Wishing you all the best.

Following our readers? Mom's necessary needs are beyond your level of care and should have her to a facility, COVID or not. As I have read, you have several more years of working to pay into SS until at least age 67; government decides from year you were born to determine full benefits eligibility. Love your Mom in the moment but take care if yourself, first. I pray for the two of you and for all the best!

Or in my case, spelling. :(
Please be careful of dad. He is lost too. Just know you are not the only one in your family who is hurting. My mother forgot my name. She called her sister's name. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME SHE TALKED.
This disease has no boundaries.
Just know this. That is hard to do, but it's true. When I corrected her, that she did not say my name, she stopped talking.. PERIOD.
THIS FREAKING DISEASE HAS NO BOUNDARIES...
My advice is: Do Not Correct Her. she doesn't know, and at the end of it all, it doesn't matter. LOVE MATTERS. and YOU NEED TO FORGIVE. Forgive, yourself, forgive your mom, forgive your dad ( your poor dad and mom, without them, you would not be you) tough as that sounds, and to be forgiven, you must accept the guilt or cause, or whatever. They cannot forgive you, if you do not apologize.
I am so sorry mom, I love you. I am sorry sorry Dad, I am here for you too, and I love you.
Your sister may be the "favorite", and it seems to be in most families, said, or unsaid, we all know, there is a favorite. There was a favorite. Why? because #1 child wasn't protected, but #2 was.. and so it was. #1 was first and "experimental in a way. They didn't know what they were doing, so the mom didn't know she should put up her wings and PROTECT. #2 would speak to her with "tapping", and mom understood. Kinda like sign language ie, morse code.
#3 came around, and Mom loved all of us, but #2 had to be protected. (middle child syndrome,? no, I don't think so.( #3 came about 5 years later. )- They had a special bond)
I lost all of them too soon...
DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.. That just hurts.. And your mother doesn't want to hurt anyone. Take your position, and protect you, your mom, your dad, your sister, ESPECIALLY MOM... Play music, gather the family around mom when you can, make it a happy joyful moment or party. HONESTLY.
Do yourself a favor, put away those bad thoughts, your mom loves everyone of her pups... AND YOUR DAD TOO.
I have not read any posts, which I do a lot, but if your parents are still married, he misses her and he may just be frozen.

This is tough. What is more tough, is when they lose the POWER OF SPEACH. One day they just stop talking.... :( How do you deal with that? Put a smile on your face, hold her hands, play her music... and dance with with, how ever whatever. give heer a milshake with some Ensure in it, make it somewhat health. happy music...... dance, hold her hand, do not bring up the mother daughter thing, unless she asks. just storm in with music in hand, shake in hand, and huge smile, and SAY HI MOM... Its time to dance!! are you ready? hugs, small hug. If it last 5 minutes or 10 minutes is good.. laugh, fun, Short, and sweet giggle. by joyful... bring her flower some times or balloons. Make your visist, fun, short and sweet.,, then run. You know your mom, take the best approach so she doesn't get overwhelmed. Make It Happy

Robin
I'm so sorry for your pain!!
A couple things come to mind.
1) The sooner you can understand that the mother you used to know and love is no longer there the better. Alzheimer's robs them of their memories. It's not personal, it's Alzheimer's!
2) Seek counseling!!!
Maybe someone who deals with caregivers. It's a great start coming here!! You'll get lots of helpful advice, but there is a deeper healing that comes from a one on one relationship with a counselor.
Again, it's not personal it's Alzheimer's.
Take care of yourself!!
God bless!!

This level of caregiving is beyond the ability for a single, unaided person to render. Professional assistance is much needed, in my experience.

I am so sorry about this. My feeling is due to the Alzheimers she is coming out with things but she truly does not do it purposely to hurt you. Her mind is gone and her behavior and words are killing you. You say your father does nothing. You are 37 - are you married or single? Do you work? Looking at this situation, and the effect it is having on you, why on earth are you allowing her to live with you? I could not and would not ever tolerate this. I think you have to be strong and find a way to place her so you are free (which you deserve) and she is cared for with her condition. Please know her mind is gone. She cannot be fixed but she can be removed so no more harm is done to you.

Imho, you're going to have to remember that your mother's brain is badly broken and she no longer controls that part of her being. Tbh, it may do you some good to seek out a counselor for yourself. Your dear mother did not ask for this disease, The book, "The 36 Hour Day" may help you to understand what is happening in this dynamic.
I, too, have a LO with Alzheimer's, a sister in law. Three years into the disease, she called her own sisters (there are 4) her "cousins" and her "niece" and even went as far as asking her husband if he knew her cousins, "Mary" and "Diane." That was hurtful to them, but they understand it was the disease talking. But Cathy is happy, likes to watch game shows and baseball, which is a real blessing to us.

Coping must be the understanding of the disease. In a book about alzheimers the author wrote that same situation - it ended up that the mom was able to recall one daughter in a house where she always lived - but not when she was in the new home of her other daughter. No one wins in this disease - no one. Do not take it personally would be the best advice. Knowing in your heart how much you love her - hold that close to you and don't let anyone take it from you.

What you describe is very common. Question about your sister - does she come to visit? If not, then your mother is remembering your sister at some point in time, same as for you. If that time is long ago, she remembers the little Robin, not the Robin who is in front of her, so you are a "stranger." One way to test this "theory" is to get a pic of you as a child and show it to her, asking who this is. IF she knows THAT you, then you know what era she's living in! Try the same with sis - pic as a child and maybe as adult. Hopefully she will ID the child but not the adult, and then you have your answer.

My mother still knew all of us when we moved her to MC. Great-grandson, not so much. He came along about the time dementia kicked in, and didn't see too much of him, so he's not really a memory for her. So, 9 months after the move, she wants me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home... She has been gone 40+ years! Quick thinking and a fib, we got past that (and have had to come up with others.) Based on a later conversation about her youngest sister (she brought it up), mom is definitely still living about 40+ years ago. There are occasional glimmers of more recent things, but those are random and fairly rare. I think maybe because I was an adult then, she still "recognizes" me - bit older, but still me!

She did keep going through pix of dad and some siblings of hers for a while after the move (and knew they were all gone), so they were still "fresh", and she would often ask about one or the other of my brothera, but she stopped asking many months ago. OB is not local, so it's been over 2 years since he visited. Her hearing is really bad, so we didn't set her up with a phone. She can't do computery stuff, so no "smart" phone or tablet to contact with. YB does now take her (with MAJOR reluctance) 4x/year to an eye treatment, so once in a while her memory might get "jogged." He didn't really visit, so these "trips" were the only memory jog.

Before lock down, she still knew me - name, face, could id me from across the room, but haven't been there since Mar 16th... will be interesting to see if she still knows me...

Clearly the mom you knew isn't there. Don't take what she says and does personally. That isn't your REAL mom talking, it's the dementia! So, although having some therapy might help you, here are some suggestions for "going with the flow":

1) Don't focus on who you are. That Robin doesn't exist for her now.
2) Wear a name tag instead of asking her what your name is.
3) She considers you a stranger, but remembers your sister - tell her you are the sister's friend, who was asked to come and help as sister couldn't be there.
4) Since you are going to now be the "aide", work on referring to her by her name or Mrs. X. You'll be the hired or friend help, so you can't call her mom!
5) If/when she asks who your mom is, is there anyone else she still recalls, maybe someone from the past? Use that name.
6) If/when she asks when you're leaving, make up something - after dinner, when my ride arrives, anything.

You need to kind of live in her "world", play along, don't argue, don't correct, just go with the flow... It is hard, but it gets a bit easier with time and practice. I promise you your nose won't grow! I can't tell you how many fibs I have had to come up with, often on the fly! Lies are told to hurt people or CYA. Fibs are to protect in a case like this. Whatever works to assuage their anxiety and satisfy their needs, go with it!

Work on that alternate persona for yourself. Even if you use the name Robin, it might job something and lead to discussion about her "other" daughter!

Hopefully you do have outside activity - a job, places you can go to unwind, etc. Take a break when you can. If she naps or retires early, find an outlet for yourself. You are rather young to be "tied" down to this, and it would not be good for you to not have employment to save for your own future.

Final thought - you know who she is.

Your Mother can no longer control her brain. Alzheimer's is a brain disease, just as there are diseases that damage the heart or other body parts. She still has emotions, feelings, and need for love like all of us. You are in constant grief at the loss of her personality.
Teepa Snow and Rachel Wonderlin are two dementia teachers with ideas on how to communicate with dementia patients and both are on the internet, Try their ideas.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through almost the same thing with my mother. When I started helping her with her shower it was over night that I became hired caregiver. She kept asking for the real (my name). As much as my husband and I tried to convince her I was the real Maryle. There was no way her brain, could understand that. In fact she was so upset when she saw me (as she thought of me as hired help) with my husband. She thought he was having an affair.

I had to just wipe out any of my thoughts, hurt, etc and get into her life. It is the only way to survive. Remember it is not because the real person inside her heart doesn't love you, she does. Her brain thinks you are someone else. Some days she screamed and carried on asking for the real Maryle.

Continue on with a smile in your heart and face. If she doesn't like you calling her Mom, just tell her you think of her as Mom and you are there to help her. Play along with her and it is better. One day my Mom shocked me, she said, "I don't know why, but I have loved you from the first day I met you." But didn't know who I was. Just love her and live in the changed life her brain has her in.

I am sorry for your pain during this time. The person you are caring for is not the mother you knew. This disease is horrible. One day I will be facing the same situation with my mother and a dear aunt. You do need someone to talk to before you go crazy. If not a therapist then maybe someone that has been through the same experience or your pastor? I am wishing you peace and joy in your own life. Take a step back as long as she is cared for. You do not have to physically be there so much.

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/532/magic-words/act-two

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine being in your situation except that it would be just as devastating for my 34yr old daughter and only child who lives with my dad and me to lose me to Alzheimer's. Can you get out of the house to take breaks? See a counselor? Do you have supportive friends and/or other family members? Caregiving in the "best-case scenario" is exhausting and life limiting. Even in your great pain, I hope you can make some tough decisions to break away and get on with your own life. I mean that, young lady. No guilt. I'm praying for you.

My father didn’t know who I was. He said I was the lady who took care of him and that was fine because every now and then I would get that little gift of him actually calling me by my name. Your mother remembers her sister because her sister is an early memory for her, this is what Alzheimer’s does, it takes away newer memories first. Try not to let it bother you, there will be times that you will also get that little gift of your name and her remembering you even if it only lasts a few seconds. I love this site but there is another that helped me through the journey with Dad, it is The Alzheimer’s Reading Room. I highly recommend it for information on dealing with the different things that will come up on your journey with your Mom. I did have to start calling dad by his given name to get his attention because he stopped responding to dad. This actually made my life easier because I stopped get frustrated when he didn’t respond. You could try this with your mom.

You probably have lost your mother. But you can try to be her friend. My mother didn't know I was her daughter during the last year of her life. She completely forgot her marriage to my father and my father. But she liked me, and that was good enough. Find some photos of you and her together so she'll see you're not a stranger, and hang them where she'll see them. Think of something you can do together that makes her happy, like watching old TV shows, doing puzzles, etc. Above all, try to remember that this really is NOT your mother. You can't be angry at someone whose brain is dying. But you don't have to be yelled at either. Just cut it off when it starts. Agree or disagree calmly, and get out of the room. If she calls you a stranger, show her the photo of the two of you and leave. Good luck.

If your mom had a stroke and "forgot" you, would you still feel the same. Loss and sadness, I expect. The amount of anger.... hmmm.

My grandfather forgot who his wife, my grandmother, was. They had a very long history together of courting, marrying, raising a family, grandchildren... and yet the details all got lost with the disease. He saw her as the nice lady who cared for him. He didn't get "the nasties" as some dementia patients do - where they are afraid and lash out. It appears that your mom may have a touch of it; I am sorry for your pain.

That being said, I agree with getting some counselling to resolve your pain. I also suggest you consider creating a life "after mom" or "other than mom" since your needs are just as important as your parents.

I get your pain...my brother is the favorite in my situation and mom asks about him all the time and he is the one who does nothing to take care of her.  It's upsetting.  If you no longer wish to endure the pain associated with caring for someone who doesn't know you and doesn't want you around, tell your dad and your sister that you can't handle it anymore and would like to extricate yourself from the care giving.  Let them handle it for a while.  You are deserving of a life too.

GET YOURSELF A THERAPIST - IMMEDIATELY

Sound tough, Yes, but you do not need to go through this alone. Mom did not have Alzheimer's, but advanced Demenita. and it too was extremely hurtful. My primary care doctor said "I want you to see a therapist", gave me some referrals and said I should not wait. Best thing I have ever done for myself.

Don't carry this any farther alone. See someone -- unloading verbally will help you a lot. Just the acct of sharing with that "third person" who has no vested interest in anything but helping you heal the hurts, is a wonderful experience. Will it change what has happened, NO, but it will help you heal.

If you are on disability, then you don't have to worry about your retirement. So discard everything I am saying here.

If you are not on social assistance, you need to get your own life. Fast. How do you cope? You just have to. Your mother is gone. Her body is alive, but who she was is gone. Since you are only 37 years old, you really need to try to forge your own life. Work for a living, maybe get into a new relationship..get married. But don't be chained to your parents because caregiving over the years will totally destroy you. If your father can't cope then he needs to put your mom in a memory care facility. But you will have to live your own life..the older you get the more difficult this will become. Your father is probably 60s--he's old enough to care for his wife. Remember the years you are not working will impact your future social security--if you can get any at all.

My mom died nearly a year ago and I'm 60. All by myself. Years and years of caregiving really damaged my life beyond repair. The bills keep on coming in no matter what happens to you so imagine getting a job and "starting over" at my age. Yes it was a terrible ordeal. Did it but I don't advise anybody to do caregiving.

Caregiving can take YEARS to recover after your loved one dies.

My mom had this dreadful disease also. She did not know who her children, granschildren, friends, etc. I realized early on to treat her as a friend, and it was better (for me). One of my sister's was always mad at her-she was her favorite but Mom couldn't remember that. The other two sisters rarely visited and ignored the situation. My point: Do not take it personally. No mater what the past, your Mom doesn't remember. Pray for her, be there and buy the book- The Four Agreements" by Ruiz (not sure of spelling). It will help alot.

I'm so sorry you lost your mother's normal relationship. Her brain condition has left her unable to reason as it deteriorates to eventual toddler level. Talk with her doctor about her condition you will better understand and get professional help for yourself. In Alzheimer's, brain cells get destroyed and the memory goes with it. You will always be her daughter, but take her bad behavior with a grain of salt. Try to distract her by putting in fun things to replace bad behavior.

I have this also my Mother says I’m a good friend but I am an only child. According to her she was never married or had children! She knows my name but that’s all. I have gotten to the point of not caring anyone.

Talk to a therapist, if you can. You are dealing with a very hurtful situation. You also need to discuss what is best for you with a person who has your best interests in mind. People with dementia or alzheimer's can do very strange things. Their minds are no longer able to process things in a logical way. You have to lower your expectations about them, disassociate yourself when they are acting out in a hostile way. It's not really about you - it's their mind that is not in a happy place.

Make sure you leave time to live your life. Thirty-seven is young. Make sure you have a few memories of living YOUR life.

PUT YOUR BIG HARD SHELLED SKIN ON: HI Jean!! My Name is robin. I am a good friend of suzy, your daughter. She asked me to stop by and see if you needed anything. I brought a milkshake, will you like some? Perhaps I can walk around the premises with you for a bit. Please forgive me, I need to leave by 2:00. I have an appointment. I will tell Suzy I stopped by. I enjoyed the time , perhaps we can do this next wek some time? Leave her a lil treat for later to remmeber you by.

Dementia is a cruel disease. A friend’s mother told her, “ I feel like my mind is going to sleep”. Good description. After a hospital stay the dr. Told me she could not come home so I finally had to put my mom In a SNF. She said to me as we were putting her clothes in the drawers etc of her room, “I never did this to you when you were a child”. Painful, but I was teaching full time with a husband and three children. We had become 5 people captive to one. Anyway, later on in time when I was visiting with her she told me she had a daughter like me. And another time she told me her dad had come to visit. She was 80 about then, so that didn’t happen! The point I’m making is that the person you knew, your mom or your dad or whoever it is, is no longer that person. You need to reconcile yourself to that and try not to be hurt. Please, remember the good times, not the now because it is so painful a time and you are helpless to change it.