My mother is 70 yo and was a lifelong Rx drug abuser and alcoholic. Because of this, she has liver failure and is required to take Lactulose. My mother also has had narcissistic personality disorder her entire life. My parents were married up until my father died in 2005 and 3 months after his death, my mother threw herself down on the ground, claimed she was paralyzed with COMPLETE loss of bowel and bladder functions. She has been this way ever since. Needless to say, she has been in and out of 17 different acute care hospitals, a multitude of skilled nursing facilities and has been examined, scoped, x-rayed, CAT scanned, MRI'd from head to toe....only to be told numerous times that there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with my mother except for her liver. She demands to have a permanent urostomy and colostomy placed, but no licensed MD will do this as she has no valid reason to have one. She constantly cries she is in pain and demands high volumes of narcotic pain medications and yet after numerous EMGs and other nerve conduction studies, there is no evidence of pain in the areas she claims to have pain. I work close with her MD, who knows her history and her abuse and the only pain med prescribed is Neurontin 300 mg 3x a day. My mother will polish off a 90 day supply in 10 days and when her MD refuses to refill, she calls 911, cries chest pain to have EMS rush her to the hospital. When she gets to the ER, she feigns confusion, cries she is in pain, cries for narcotic pain medication and when all of her demands are refused, she will urinate and defecate right there on the spot. She has been discharged from numerous hospitals, SNFs, nursing homes, etc. for noncompliance and extreme poor hygiene. This behavior is constant and she pulls these stunts about 2-3 times a year. Needless to say, she burns up her insurance benefits for the year very quickly and they will no longer pay until the next year. Just this past Friday, my mother was discharged again from another 45 day stint at another skilled nursing facility. While there, they had her walking, dressing, bathing and using the toilet. However, she refused to take her Lactulose medication the entire time she was there, so they discharged her for noncompliance. When I got her home, she wheeled herself into her house, stood up, and transferred herself into her recliner. Then she proceeded to urinate on herself and then demanded that I clean it up - I refused. I had to leave to go get her groceries and pick up more prescribed medication and when I returned the next morning, my mother had a field day of urinating and defecating all over her house. She urinated and defecated all over the recliner, smeared feces all over the floor in the living room, defecated on the bathroom floor and smear it in there. When I grilled her as to why she did that, she said that she was in pain and needed her pain med. What? Really? So she's basically saying that she cannot hold her bladder/bowels unless she high on drugs. I am at my wits end as this is just 1 of many many horrific scenes my mother has pulled. She lived with me and my family for 4 years doing this exact same behavior. It was on a prior stint that her social worker came to our home and witnessed my mother and her manipulating disgusting behavior. The SW called DCF out of concern for me and my family and they forced us to remove her from my home. My mother 'can' walk but refuses, she rolls around in a wheelchair. She can use the toilet, but prefers to soil in a diaper. But worst is she refuses to change her own diapers. According to her "that's disgusting, YOU clean it." So my question is, where do I go from here. No conventional nursing home will take her because of her hygiene and noncompliance - she's a threat and liability to other patients. No specialty nursing home will take her as she is NOT a para or quadriplegic, she has no reason to warrant a urostomy/colostomy. There are no more state mental institutions. My mother is broke and lives off of a small SSI income. DCF, her doctors and state social workers have all told her that she is going to end up homeless on the street if she does not stop with this disgusting behavior. Her newest diagnosis is now an extreme case of drug and attention seeking behavior. It is quite obvious that my mother trying to manipulate me (and others) - to the point that she will just sit there until someone cleans her up and caters to her ever whim. She constantly screams """I'm not doing nothing for myself, you are MY daughter and its YOUR responsibility to clean and care for me, screw your family, I am your mother and I come first.""" My mother and I did not speak for 20+ years, until she exhausted and destroyed every other family members homes that they shipped her off to me - me and family live 4 states apart. I do not have power of atty over my mother - I tried and she refused. I am only her healthcare proxy. Where do I go from here??????
Honestly, were I in your position, I'd change my phone number and for all intents and purposes literally disappear off the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. Let the state deal with this woman. I wouldn't take over anything concerning her, not for one minute of one more day.
But I want to thank you all for your replies. I truly needed the uplift and support. I also wanted confirmation for myself that what I am doing is right. Again, thank you all for your advice and support. Best wishes to everyone!
You are the first point of contact. There was a gal on here a while ago who had a similar situation though not quite as bad, but her mother was obviously very mentally ill. She ended up refusing to have much contact with her mum or to be involved in any decision making. The system dealt with her mum and the gal has achieved a good degree of freedom from the stress.
Your mum is on a path of self destruction, and I doubt anyone can "save" her.
I surely understand that you are sick and tired of this. My mother is mentally ill too, though she looks after herself well physically, but I have been dealing with her crises for about 70 years. I am 76 and I am heartily tired of it, Re the lawyer I wasn't concerned about your power over her, but her power over you in terms of the threats. However the lawyer has assured you that you are not responsible.
It is very unfortunate, but the FL state social worker has made a recommendation and I have to agree with it. It does sound awful, but I think it is the best thing. I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation.
It still can't be easy for you facing that .
I hear your fear that she will report you. Is there not a big enough paper trail by now that you are doing all you can. She knows about elder abuse. Would it be an idea to consult a lawyer for your own protection and knowledge as to what your responsibilities are? She is obviously an excellent manipulator. Find out if you have to keep her clean and get her groceries when doctors have declared her able to do so. Maybe I am up a tree here, but it seems to me that she is calling the shots, and the table needs to be turned if that can be accomplished. For example, is it considered abuse legally if you do not change the diaper of a woman who is capable of using the toilet? If it is not abuse I would be inclined to let her sit in her sh*t till she decided to do something about it. Her problem - not yours. I may be right out to lunch here - all I can think of.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you , It is a horrible situation, Truthfully not many could or would do it.
Can YOU evict her for non-compliance? If she ends up in a shelter and acts like this I bet they'll find someplace to put her!
It is untenable for you to continue like this.
I don't understand her dr. and state social workers saying she will end up on the street as she is clearly very ill. Are there no psychiatric facilities in your state. You say there are no state mental hospitals but surely there must be some facilities that can deal with non compliant psychiatric patients.
Personally, I think your main role with her should be as advocate for obtaining a suitable placement even if you have to go out of state.
My heart goes out to you, This is an impossible situation and yet you have been dealing with it for some time. Prayers for both of you. let us know how you are doing,
Your mother's behaviour is very extreme, surely. Could any drug addiction agencies provide help and advice?
(And what on earth possessed you to allow her over the threshold..? But it's a bit late to ask, of course.)
Your situation is horrific. I wish I had more useful ideas to offer. xxx