Hello, my dad is 90 and has terminal cancer. He is coming to live with my husband and I in a month. He will be getting some cancer treatments (infusion therapy) here - I have to set that up to be transferred from one care team to a local one tomorrow.
But other than checking in with doctors and the county aging office, I'm kind of brand-new and don't know what else I should be doing. "Grandpa-proofing" the house, I guess?
I have so many worries, in so many areas. I'm trying to stay compartmentalized and not get overwhelmed.
My husband and I work from home and are able to be here for him, but I don't expect that we will be doing anything resembling skilled nursing - he's not at that point right now, but obviously will be sometime down the road.
So it's in-home care, then visiting help, then a facility and/or hospice? Is that the process? How do I start to work through all this?
Thanks so much; sorry to be so clueless.
What are dad's issues that he'll need help with, exactly? Is he able to get around without a walker, so no mobility issues? Can he shower alone? Does he wear Depends or have incontinence issues? Is there any dementia he suffers from? There are a ton of questions, do you have any answers?
Also, I wonder what sort of side effects he can expect from the cancer treatments? And how his health will decline as the cancer progresses? Those are the questions you need to get answered from his Oncologist so you can prepare accordingly. You don't know what lies ahead, or what needs he has now, or will have in the future.........so how can you prepare?
If dad has funds, you can hire in home help. Medicare will pay for some services, you can check with his secondary insurance to see exactly what is covered. I suggest you do that, too. Medicare covers hospice care 100% and you can get that in home when he's deemed to have 6 months or less to live. Hospice will provide a hospital bed, supplies (like incontinence briefs, chucks, wheelchair, meds, cushions, etc) to him all free of charge and billed to Medicare directly. I'm not sure exactly what facility hospice Medicare covers; some I know ARE covered, but for how long a period of time, I don't know. Another good question to ask when you call dad's secondary Medicare insurance provider.
When and if dad's care becomes too much for you to handle at home, you can place him in Skilled Nursing, and then hospice services can come there to see him. It all depends on how he progresses and what level of care he requires down the road.
Don't ever be sorry or apologize for coming here to the forum to ask questions; that's what we DO! We all come together to help one another through these trials and tribulations of life and share our experience, hope and strength together. I'm sure some others will come along with much better advice than I've given you. My parents were both in Assisted Living and then Memory Care for mom for almost 3 years. Dad did have cancer, but a brain tumor ultimately took his life. I had hospice services come into the AL to care for him during the last few weeks of his life, once the brain tumor had progressed to the point where he only had a few months left to live. Hospice was great; the CNA came in to bathe him, and the RN kept him comfortable with meds; she brought him a hospital bed and lots of other things to keep him comfortable. Same with mom; she was in Memory Care AL when she began the dying process in February, and again, hospice kept her very comfortable for the last week of her life.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed as you go through this difficult process with dad. I also wish him the least pain & suffering imaginable and that the last days/weeks/months of his life are as rich and enjoyable as possible.
A lot of people think working from home isn’t really work, and don’t understand when you tell them you can’t help right this second.
I only add that at 90, it is very possible your Dad may also begin to decline cognitively, as well as physically -- and sometimes it can happen very rapidly. it can even begin to happen before his cancer gets much worse. He may also become depressed (from his diagnosis, his failing health, the move-in/change in his lifestyle, etc). There is no pill that helps with memory loss or cognitive impairment, but there are medications for depression, mood, agitation, anxiety. Don't hesitate to talk to your Dad about being open to this option *for everyone's sake*. You might want to watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. She's an expert and focuses on positive caregiving and education. Learning about aging and decline and how and why it impacts our LOs will help you recognize the early signs of dementia (like, your LO is not just being stubborn... irrational "stubborness" is often an early sign).
Kudos to you for being so proactive and being humble enought to know that you don't know stuff. I wish you much wisdom, and peace in your heart on this journey!
If you can squeeze in time, you may benefit from attending a support group. Some meet via Zoom.
You'll get information that will included vetted helpers, better resources and those that are not so helpful for your exact needs.
Your dad is very fortunate to have your help.
Wishing you, your husband and dad all the best.
He has sarcoma of the soft tissue on the skull, which is invading inside, as I understand it. He is receiving Keytruda infusions; has had 3 treatments, with no side effects so far, though we were warned about expecting them.
The infusions, in fact, have lessened the mass. He's amazingly positive and says he expects to live forever (or at least another 5 years). The prognosis was 3 months to 3 years, but I think I need to get more details once I'm more involved in all of this. Until this point I haven't been, as he's been living with his partner across the country.
He will live in a kid's bedroom (she's at college). We are going to redo the bathroom on that floor, which currently is tiny and has a tub that's hard to access for even 20-year-olds. A shower will take its place and there will be updating and grab bars and all that. (These things were necessary already, so we aren't doing anything we weren't planning to do, other than the grab bars). Until that's ready, he'll use our shower, which is a big walk-in.
He seems to be OK. He was a bit weak before these infusions started - did much napping and had stopped doing daily walks with their little dog. But he's resumed the walks. Says he feels great.
While he's mobile, he's fallen a couple times in the last 6 months, from misjudging steps or whatever, so he's certainly not 100%.
I just won't know a lot until I observe him 24-7.
I would love to get someone in, kind of like a safety check that you'd do if you had a new baby. Or someone to give us guidance on what's available around us, or services or whatever. But I don't think there's anything like that where we live. I don't think there's much at all, actually. I called the Area Agency on Aging and they said well, call us back when he's here because we don't work with people who aren't residents. Typical bureaucracy; makes you want to bang your head against a wall.
You can Google Keytruda and see what the side effects can be, with or w/o chemo used in conjunction with the infusions.
Just take things one day at a time, right? I hope dad has very few or no side effects from his cancer treatments, and that all works out well for both of you.
Lealonnie is being humble - she gives the best advice so listen closely to what she has told you.
Sorry that your dad has terminal cancer. I feel like that can mean so many things. What type of cancer? Does he have a diagnosis of something like X - Y months to live? Or is it a really slow moving type of cancer (like prostate can sometimes be)? These details will help you figure out how you will need to start your caregiving journey.
I am also curious, like lea, about what condition your dad is currently in? At 90, it would not be unusual to have a host of issues. Is he currently living alone?
If he's pretty independent, do your best to strongly encourage him to remain so as long as possible. In hindsight, one (of many) of my biggest mistakes with moving my parents in with us, was not making them be more of an active part of the household. Me and hubby took on way too much and should have expected them to pitch in as they were able to. For example, I should have had them be responsible for cooking once or twice a week instead of us doing all the cooking and cleaning.
If he's not able to do much at this point, I would bring in some aides from the get go so that you don't take on too much and then later have to make big changes when you get burnt out. Even though you work from home, you are working and having caregiving demands throughout the day will be difficult at best. I have some aides for my mom now and it is a lifesaver. It lets me have guiltfree time with my grandkids and hubby. I asked around for local caregivers which I have a few of and have also added a small agency to add some additional days (we're up to 5 days for 5 hours).
Remember to carve out time for you and hubby. Your relationship is important.
What are the living arrangements? Will you all have privacy or will your bedrooms be next to each other and sharing a bathroom? My mom's room is at the other end of the house and we each have our own bathrooms which has helped make this much more tolerable than it would otherwise be for me.
Financially, please have your dad pay his own way. His money is for his care. Unless you're filthy rich, but otherwise you need to protect your nest age for your own retirement and elder years. I would be careful about doing any additions and having dad pay for it, etc. Some others have posted about how sticky that situation can get so think. out the exact details if you're taking that route.
Are his affairs in order? Hopefully he has a will, living will, POA for financial and healthcare. If not, as long as he is competent, get it taken care of ASAP. I also had my mom either put me and my sister as joint on her accounts or mostly had her make us co-beneficiaries.
When is he moving in??
Best of luck and I look forward to hearing more from you!
See All Answers