Who else has worked hard to overcome past abuse and now finds themself having to re-live struggles with parent once again? Anyone angry?

my apologies Greysfully. SS already slapped my wrist and both of you are right.

I don't know why I'm flying off like a hair trigger lately. My psych just told me that I'm making myself self institutionalized which is a new term. I think I need a higher dose of anti-depressant for my own self care like taking a shower and brushing my teeth have gone out the window as of late. I might need to change psychiatrists.

Well Crow, I have done years of therapy as well.
It's HER ass that will be bitten. I take care of her in truth, compassion and forgiveness.

Wow, Crowe, I think you need a vacation, too.

I don't know, Sir! If she's not complaining, I'd not be too suspect. I thought she was pretty serene, myself. Let's try to be supportive here. Not everyone is in the mire! I rejoice with the ones who aren't, and who love us where we're at. Unless you see something I do not? Not everyone is struggling like we are! And bummer for her for the brother who left her to fend for herself! As the weaker vessel, we women need our heroes, even if some consider it hiding behind pant legs. Thing is, I think the commonality is, we all got bit!!! Just some are going through more gracefully, if you get my drift.

SS and AWD, I'm praying for both of you. Anyone who does not have such a mother or indeed a mother in law should that God! they have not been in such darkness. And people still want to celebrate mother's day? My MIL has tons of money has uses it like a wip upon her subjects who have learned over time to let the wip and chain exists in their mother's eye but no in theirs. I would like for the woman, sometimes I do wonder if she's really human, to gag and die at the hands of her own wip and chain. Then I'd sing huray, huray, the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the evil bitch is dead! Right now she's lives west of Eden. Our yioungest son calls the town Evil.

Greysfully,

It sounds like you are still there because you are still her emotional spouse.

I imagine if your brother had been the one "spousified", you would have run away years ago and never come back and he not you would be on this site.

The river of denial flows in all of its glory over the dam when we try to put something behind the dam instead of working through it. Just putting something behind us does not mean it's not going to sneak back around and bite us in the bee-hind. :)

I'm praying for you, too. God's bigger than Luther's $$. Dang, with wicked people afoot, we're all scre*ed! Evil may triumph for a day, and wear the snot out of us, but...vengeance belongs to someone else. My mom thinks she's a "Christian," too, and says she "hates my church." Woe be unto hers!!! God help us all. What a mess, eh?

SS, I totally agree that anybody who doesn't have to deal with this type of parent should give God praise for being spared the misery. I don't have the answer either as to why you and I have to deal with this. I just do not believe God is punishing us, I don't think He works that way. I've gotten thru the hardships in my life and I will get thru this one.
Oh, my mom realizes what she's doing. This is her evil side working. I've heard her acid tongue lash out on not only me, but others during my life. And she claims to be such a faithful Christian, yeah right. The "angelic" side is shown to others and everyone loves her. It makes me want to vomit!
Good luck on the paperwork. I know that is ahead of me soon too. I'm sure you are asking "why" with every pen stroke.
I can't even imagine what mom has up her sleeve for me. Well if it was just mom, it wouldn't be much b/c she's not smart enough. But I'm dealing with Daisy, in a round about way, and she's the one who scares me. Oh I just thought, I'll bet SHE and the owner of the adult care staffing company, Luther, are the ones footing the bill for mom's lawyer. Light bulb just turned on! I'm screwed. Luther has loads of $$. They could keep this crap going forever.
I pray for you SS and others in our situation. I pray that all goes well with the accounting as well.

Hard to sugar coat the stuff I'm going through. Hey, Grey! Nice to see you here. Love your choice of words and thoughts. Mine taught third grade, and was a terror there, as well. Sis says she had the bottle in her bottom drawer. I feel sorry for all those poor kids. If the parents knew, mom would have lost her job long before 23 years. Dumb unions. Anyway, hope her PG figures things out and can manage it. Glad I don't have to anymore. Just with I could get past this paperwork due in two days to Probate. Better go...

Could you all please say a prayer or two for me? Thanks! And, bless your day!

Another "juicy" thread! I LOVE these! Thanks Crow! My mom, as I was growing up with my brother, was a functioning DRUNK! She was actually a kindergarten teacher....imagine it!
Anyway, I became "spousified", and in many ways, and at many times,
I have been taking care of her. My brother moved as far away as he could get, Goddes Bless HIm (:/), and I have always been the one to "rise to the plate". My dad died....I think he saw a way out....LOL! And, now, although she isn't drinking anymore, the behavior is still here to haunt me. "The River of Denial" flows right throught THIS house in all it's glory! There is a reason I am here now to take care of her............sometimes it is very elusive. I know, when all is said and done, it will be crystal clear, and I will be free. I have managed to put the past where it belongs........and I remind her from time to time, that she should as well! Love to all.
Have been reading "The Art of Happiness" by The Dalai Lama, and I carry it wherever I go............very helpful! Try to find your happiness............my mantra.

I'm drowning in sorrow over these words, for you, and for me. Wretched sin! I hate it when life treats us this way. What did we do to deserve such as this? I cry. I have two days to produce some final accounting for Probate for my mom, along with a guardian report. I want to tell them all the horrible things she has said and done to us all of our lives. They could care less about us. It's all about "protecting the ward." That wicked witch has found her ultimate revenge. Unfortunately, her father the devil and she have millstones waiting for them. How could a mother treat her children so? I think they have seared their consciences and don't care about anyone except themselves anymore. Don't even know if they see how much they themselves are hurting. That is such grief for the sane ones to experience and understand. We just don't think like that. God help us all! I just pray his grace comforts us in our grief, because some days, it is overwhelming to me. How about you? I don't want to be hard-harded, bitter, or unforgiving. But the more I gave and tried to show love and tenderness, the worse mom got. This is so evil. Hard to wrap my mind around it all. If any of you know what I mean, then I also feel deeply for you. If you don't, just say a prayer of thanks, because it's pretty rough stuff. Blessings to you, dear Always. My heart and prayers are for you as well.

SS, last summer thought I should record our visits but didnt. Daisy was there,mom wouldn't start anything with someone else there. I could see mom didn't want us there and Daisy was always hovering, giving the evil eye,butting in. So we decided to step back as mom had told us to do. Told mom to call if she needed anything. She won't call anybody,she thinks everybody should call her. She thinks b/c she's old, the world owes her. She has sat in her chair all day with a racing heartbeat and wouldn't call me at work to say she needed the ER. Asked her why, said it was MY job to call to check on her. She almost died. Now that's downright stupid!
I'm sticking to one prob. at a time w/attny. Mom's attny hasn't gotten back to mine after he asked why mom thinks I have her bank statements when they are mailed to her house. Mine doesn't see how she can prove her accusations. I just want this case to be resolved, give her what she wants and move on. She claims I have her "original" SS card and Medicare card. She lost the "original" cards when she left her purse in the shopping cart in Walmart's parking lot a few yrs ago and told everybody her purse was stolen, to get sympathy. And the SS card was a duplicate b/c she claimed the cleaning lady stole it but I later found it in her sock drawer. When I showed it to her, she never took back all the things she said about the poor cleaning lady. What a doll!
Your mom sounds worse than mine. With all of those mental problems, no wonder you can't be around her. I am so sorry you or I or anybody has to be subjected to a parent like this. I've read your posts about your little boy and I can tell you love him and want to be just the opposite of your mom. I too have worked extremely hard NOT to be like my mom with my kids. Mine are adults and they've been involved w/mom. I can't write what they think of her or I'd be thrown off this site. Whenever I say something that even remotely echoes back to me that sounds like mom, I cry. If I look in the mirror and see something like my mom looking back at me, I cry.
I guess our mom's think lawyers will solve it all, no matter how small. My mom may have $$ to throw around (NOT) but I don't and I resent that I have to pay for an attny over bank statements. All it is to her is a way to get back at me. Thanks, mom, for all that love you're sending my way.
I could pursue this Daisy thing but I don't want to. Mom has made her decision, Daisy's in and I'm out. Nothing mom has is worth it. I do feel sad that my dad worked hard for the $$ he left her and I know he wouldn't be happy that she's giving it to Daisy. But so be it.
The kids and I told her many,many times, spend your $$, live life, we don't want you leave us anything. Later on,if you are in need, one of us will take you in and you'll never be alone. And with this, she sues me. Cheers!

I told that to Pam because that's the way the court sees kin folk. If Probate does the will, etc. Daisy an opportunist? When you said "creepy," it made my skin crawl. Scary stuff. Your mom sound a LOT like mine. Mine's calling her attorney for stupid stuff, too. I will contest waste of money and my time if they keep threatenng me! I have done nothing wrong, and will oppose her attorney. in fact, I'm calling the Bar Association on him. They make a good pair, but I don't need the grief. So, I don't know about dying first. You just quit seeing your mom. I am dad's guardian, though and conservator, too, so I have to stay involved, at some level with both of them. He/She co-own the house, and contents. Mom's starting to give stuff away. It's not pretty. Just gave thousands of $$$$ of silver to her 20 YO grandson, who's in serious debt. I'm going to contest that. Where's her brain?

Have you talked to your own attorney about your mom? Do you record her insane conversations?

SS, I didn't ask the question, it was nins. Just jumped in b/c the subject was what I'm dealing with now. I've posted on other threads. I talked about how mom quit talking to me/family about 6 mos ago and telling us Daisy, who was originally hired from agency, was going to move in,care for her as a friend. The kids (they are my teammates) and I had no choice but step back. She was mad b/c we told her she was going to run out of $$ at the rate she was spending, and retaliated by telling us to get out of her life. She's not insane;mean,hateful and dumb,yes. I knew I risked being "turned in" b/c mom lies, but it was literally killing me to ALWAYS be fighting with her. My dau. witnessed an episode where mom went off on me when I told her to put a trash bag full of pine cones in the closet so she wouldn't trip over it,very ugly scene,and dau. said never to be alone with mom again. (I'd like to take that bag, sitting in my garage, back to her and tell her what to do with them!)
No I don't have anything to do with her. My son hadn't seen her since last yr,his 7yr old dau. wanted to see GG,so he stopped by. He said he has tough skin but the atmosphere was so intense and Daisy so creepy, he got the kid and hurriedly left. My dau. just adopted a baby and mom won't see him b/c he's adopted. My sister may be involved, she lives 2500 mi away,I doubt it because she's just as selfish as mom is. So I imagine Daisy is the POA and in line to inherit what was to be mine. I don't care at this point. I want this legal matter to be settled so I can move on. I want to return all of mom's papers thru my lawyer and hope that's the end of it. She's so dramatic, she couldn't ask or write, she has to call a lawyers. Talk about dumb! On another thread you told Pamela that she is legally involved as being her mom's relative or something of that nature. Does that mean I'll never be rid of mom unless I die first?

This has been both good and therapeutic, but also intense and full of drama. So, I'm going into my "Man Cave" and chill so I can actually sleep tonight!

Dear Always, I'm so proud of you for the steps you are making. You have the boldness to call a spade, and not fall into the trap of, "But she's my mother!" I did, but fortunately it was short in duration. Actually, I never saw it coming. I'm glad you shared your story. I, too, like the gut listening part. Now I understand my growing anxiety. I was procrastinating even necessary duty. Now, thank God, I don't have to do it anymore.

So, I'm curious! What brought you to ask the question? Are you still involved in your mother's life, or not? And is her caregiver, Daisy her new POA?

Crowe, thank you for sharing even though I know it must be painful to talk about it. I'll start doing some research. Yes mom knows the buttons. She always waits until we're alone and then starts in. Or she waits til she's alone with my son or my daughter, never together, and tells them how horrible I am. They stopped her,said they didn't want to hear it. It's her MO my whole life. She waited til my Dad was at work or away and then it was mostly verbal abuse, some physical. Dad and I were close so she knew she couldn't do it in front of him. I never told Dad much but he knew I had an intense distrust of mom.
I'm sick to my stomach now thinking about what you said about being sick to your stomach when around an abuser. For most of my life, that's how I felt around mom.Wow this discussion has been an eyeopener.
Secret, my mom was an only, I've always thought she had an evil twin also. How eerie! She's never been diagnosed with dementia/Alz/mental disorders. Last yr I asked her dr. to look into it, he said she was mentally fine. But to sue your daughter for stealing important papers after you asked her to keep them for you doesn't sound like the workings of a sane mind. She wants to hurt me and she'd do anything to be sure I suffer. And the only way she can do it now is to sue me because I won't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she's affected me. She thought I'd be mad to have POA revoked and taken out of her will but I'm relieved,not mad. I don't pity my mom, I don't like her, I don't and can't be around her. If her caretaker, Daisy, who I feel is behind most of this, abandons her, then my sister better get ready. She's left mom to me all these yrs, it'll be her turn now. They ought to get along just fine, they're like two peas in a pod.
I read all these posts from daughters who love their moms, they may get annoyed but still love mom. I just can't relate. I know what love feels like. I loved my dad more than words can describe. I've never felt love towards mom. I don't think she's ever loved me either. And wanting it won't make it happen.
To be able to release this intense sadness here with such understanding people has helped me immensely and I appreciate all of you!

beta42,

Codependency is a self-delusional form of control that pretends like love, but in the end it is an effort to win love and we who struggle with it were actually just a mascot for those who laughed behind our back while we thought we were breaking our backs, but the more we did the less they respected.

I had to stop being a rescuer of people within my own family and beyond, plus stop trying to champion people in work situations that frankly did not want to be championed.

Until 12 years ago, I'd never heard of borderline personality disorder although I had heard of narcissistic; anti-social and multiple personality disorders. Like one therapist told a family member, 'we used to just call borderlines mean people" Understandably, for most of the male borderlines are in prisons; a lot of female borderlines are in mental wards; quite a few female borderlines are in some other things in which they entertain foolish men who they make feel good, but whom they actually hate; and some of them like which includes some in my family and extended family become mom's themselves. The problem with BPD is they know how to mask normal, but at home with those most intimate with them they are like the president's wife Mary Todd Lincoln who was known as the hell cat of the white house. My family has been living under the bondage of my MIL BPD and my FIL totally emasculated weak fearful, obligated existence who out of guilt told his two girls as kids that he saw what was going on but could not do anything. We've lived, gone on vacations together and gotten together over the holidays and for birthdays from 1988 until 8 years ago when in my frustration and burnout I put my foot down and said enough, I want my life back, I don't know how to define it or even how to get there. But with the help of face to face therapists and a wonderful online support group for someone who has a family memmber with BPD, I started making boundaries, setting conseqences and following through. I'm not completely where I want to be, but I'm not enmeshed walking on eggshells like I once was. Plus, after some time as I did the boundary thing others started doing this also and we are far more liberated than we have been in years. My SIL's husband has a learning disability, but he can thank me for saving his marriage because his wife was about to join the emperess and become the next female darth vader. Now she's on of the best mental health jedis of all of us who are not in the darkside. I wish my life and relatives weren't the way some of them are, but I've been accustom since childhood for people to just be intrusive and bust boundaries. I didn't like it and knew it was wrong as well as occasionally said it was wrong, but I had lived around it with my mother, great aunt and grandmother. About two years ago, I came to see that the largest amount of anger I was carrying was mainly toward myself for not standing up soon than I did. However, I got help enough to see, dang, at least I stood up or I'd ended up just like my FIL which frankly death would be preferable to his enslaved existence.

i went through a class called 12 step for emotional healing- at my church and at first i thought it was stupid- i took the class because i was telling a friend that i had low self esteem- she told me about the class- kinda felt weird cuz to 12 step is for alcoholics- anyway took the class and it totally changed my relationship with my mom from parent/child to adult/adult relationship - it was really changed me for the best- my kids hated it though because i was a care taker and maybe had some obcessive compulsive disorders with cleaning but as the
class turned into class after class they started getting more chores because i was getting emotinally healthy and started realizing (among other things)that i was doing everything for them to try and when their love( bless their hearts, but i have learned from my experience and my mothers- she totally spoiled my brother who lived with her till 44 and he spent all her money)- your kids wont respect you if you dont expect anything back - but my daughter at 16 wrote me a letter saying how proud she was of me that i changed the only way i knew how to be. My husband and kids would also mock me and laugh at things i would say and get mad at me when i would engage with the normal dysfunction that was going on in our family - i could see how bad it was and would not engage- lol ! I also read a book called codepentdent no more- and wow! what an eye openr - so good luck hope this helps!

Welcome to my world! My mom's an only child, but I think she has an evil twin. My mom has been diagnosed with several Personality Disorders, the least of which being Borderline. And unbeknownst to me, she started what's officially called a "Distortion Campaign" against me. She's called the police, legal services, and hired a lawyer. What a crock! FORTUNATELY, I have several pages of official diagnoses made by psychologists, psychiatrists, Social Workers, and Physicians against her! You wouldn't believe the list:

Alcohol and prescription narcotic abuser for 52+ years
Chronic Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Chronic Depressive Neurosis
Dependent Personality Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

She also seriously lacks judgement, and has memory problems. She can pass a mini-mental with flying colors, so no one will diagnosis her with dementia, but let me tell you, this woman is certifiable!

She was also physically and emotionally abusive to her own daughters, husband, and to the school children she taught for 32 years.

The courts have determined her to be an Incapacitated Individual in need of a guardian and conservator. I was, but she lied and said I was abusing her, so now she has a public guardian (PG). I tried to tell her Attorney the deal, but he scoffed at me, and treated me like absolute dirt. (Haning out with mother has that effect on people.) I also tried to tell her new PG the story. She told me, "...just love your mother." Funny. The other day, she said, "I found out your mother has a Personality Disorder." I asked her, "Didn't you believe me?" She said, "Well, one has to spend a few days with her..."

So, I hope she tried to set some limits and boundaries with mommy dearest and sees how fun that can be. Heaven forbid, anyone should ever try to restrict the Queen Bee!!!! My hubby and I were hostages to her for over two and 1/2 years. Mom lied to doctors, police, nurses, doctors, friends, family and neighbors about me. Why? I guess I was trying to help...

Warning!!! Don't EVER try to help someone like this! You will be sorry you ever tried.

Dad was diagnoses with Alzheimer's, and the whole party was going south. I was advised by their church's team during an intervention to step in and help out. Whoa! I had no idea what I was stepping into. I was only trying to help! I did, and Dad is now safe. He's no longer being abused. What I didn't know then, is that I would be.

I never connected my repressed memories, and childhood abuse with what I would experience these last two years. Thank God I had some help! Thank God I got mom to a Geriatric Assessment Clinic who gave me her diagnosis. And I really thank God that he allowed me to find over 30 years' worth of Psychiatric diagnose reports to let me know that is truly was as bad, because she tried to make everyone believe it was me!

The thing is, they can fake things so well for short periods of time, only astute and sesitized individuals really can detect the game. Casual friends and acquaintenances don't get it. In fact, they like to play hero and rescue the "victim" (frail abused elderly) from their "abusers."

I was so mad when I get a call, then a letter from Mom's attorney, who called to "investigate" me. Mom's so-called "witnesses" against me even testified against me. (They lied!) But what I didn't know then, is that God planned for my escape, by casting out the scorner! The "action" was actually MY DELIVERANCE from a vindictive lying mother. By the end of the week, I hope to be done with some final accounting, and hopefully back to being the wife and mommy I used to be.

I hate Personality Disorders. Never even heard of them until this summer, but...I can tell you stories that would curl your toes, fingers, and every stand of hair! So, yeah, in answer to your question, I got out, then back in, and now I'm out again. In some respects I'm angry. I hate the court system, and the way they do nothing to protect caregivers from abuse. I don't like my mother, and the way she used my family, when all we did was try to help. It was a nightmare. But, I also pity mom. She's a real piece of work. Not only that, but I also found out my only sibling is, too! So I learned a lesson: I don't want to hang out with them, ever again!!! And I have quit answering the phone when they call. Since mom has a court-appointed PG, I'm not neglecting her. All her needs are met, and some of her spoiled rotten wishes, too. They don't care. It's all about $$$ and protocol to them. Let her earn her $60.00 a month, and whatever else she can extract out of her... I've been set free! Lord help me from ever turning back. I have enough stab wounds from that monster, called "mother," thank you.

Now, mind you, I don't want it this way. I want a loving mother, and something to care for in her old age. But it's not happening. So, I tenderly care for my dad and FIL instead. And for whomever else the Lord puts in my path (which have been many.) I'd give anything to have a loving mother, but that will never be. Her conscious has seared her right thinking, and she is lost in the world of darkness and sin. I can't rescue her, and I'm certainly not going to let her continue to take it out on me. I literally fear for the woman's soul. If you were to look in her eyes, you'd know what I mean. That's been my life long experience with abuse. Thank God he has not only spared, but delivered me!

AlwaysMyDuty,

Your mother knows exactly where your buttons are. She put them there and she knows emotionally when you are vunerable which makes them easier to set off.

Covert incest is when a parent makes a child their emotional partner for the sake of meeting their own needs which are either not being met by an adult instead. google it and you will find a few sites or search amazon.com and a few books will appear.

What's really bad is that it's often years later like in my case that you realized what took place and how now things that did not make sense all of a suddenly painfully do and ___ does the rage not just anger come forth! This has happened just like my therapist in the spring of 2003 told me it would.

Sorry, but this is all that I really am comfortable with sharing.

May I suggest this. Learn to pay attention what your body is feeling when around an abusive person. I say this because I've been taught and learned that our bodies will tell us quicker than our brains when someone is setting us up for a manipulative trap. It normally feels like your stomach is sick.

Crowe, I'm not familiar with covert incest. Would I be overstepping to ask you to explain? It sounds scary.
I know I need to see a therapist, yet again, about the anger I have towards my mother. Been several times, everytime I think I can overcome, she does something to rehash it all. I'm not sure I will ever get over being sued by my own mother. This is the worst thing she's ever done to me.

Yep, for I've just come to see with my therapist's help that I'm a victim of covert incest also known as emotional incest.

Nins, I can relate. Yrs ago mom informed me I was the oldest and WOULD care for her in her "old age"...period. My sister was let off the hook. I stepped up to the plate even tho it was hard b/c she'd always been verbally abusive, mean,and I didn't love her. My adult kids voluntarily stepped up to help me. Things went fairly well as long as she got her way. Fast forward to last yr. Got her a part time caregiver. They hit it off. Then it turned from paying the caregiver to friendship because "Daisy" thought mom was so lovely she just wanted to help her. Six mos ago, mom cut off ties with us. Her dr. said she does not have dementia/alz. and I don't think she does either. She's just mean, never has liked me and may I be so bold to say she isn't very bright.
Anyway, for all the care I and my kids gave mom, she is repaying me by suing me. Got the letter 2 days ago. Also revoked my POA. Said I stole all of her legal documents, wouldn't show her the joint baking account statements, they go to HER address. Upon her request a long time ago asked me to keep her papers safe at my house (she lives in her own home). What the heck??? If she wanted her papers back, I think there could be a cheaper way to let me know.
Am I angry? You bet. I don't want to be POA, don't want anything of hers. I'm angry b/c this is yet another slap in my face. But this is the LAST time. I am through with her, my kids hate her. She is pathetic. And did I say I am still ANGRY?!
Thanks for letting me vent.