My mother is 88 years old and in moderate health. My sister has two minor children, live in a small crowed apartment and she does not get any child-support from her unemployed ex. The rest of my siblings and I are doing well and live in nice homes.My mother wants to give her house to my sister when she passes. My mother is very concerned about the two minor children living in a not so nice apartment. With that said, my mother wants to change her will and give the house to my sister with the two minor children. My mother asked me if I was ok if she gives the house to my sister. I stated " absolutely give her the house and the children will benefit living in the house." My other two siblings are irate that I told our mother it is ok to give the house to the apartment sister. Of note, during the pandemic, my sis with the two minor children, lost her job. They feel the house should be sold and the money spilt up between the siblings. I told them its mom's house and she can do whatever she wants. My sibling that don't want my sister to have the house are no longer on speaking terms with me. Please keep in mind my mothers house needs a lot of work and is not worth much.
How do I cope with the siblings that are no longer on speaking terms with me. My siblings and I were once very close and supportive of one another. This is no longer the case.
A lot of times an apartment is better than a house that is crumbling and a money pit.
Generally with 3 children it would be divided between the three children equally by state law.
This is given that Mom does not have a spouse still alive.
Nobody should interfere with wills.
My siblings and I have severed all ties, mostly because of accusations that I am stealing my mom’s money. She has very little and I make a very good living. Her money is spent exclusively for her but they suspect me so that’s all the facts they need to accuse. The funny thing is, until she moved in with me and then into full time memory care, she constantly had to worry about $, mostly due to their lifestyles but not once since Oct 15, 22 has she had to worry about it, and she has everything she needs. They don’t ask me how she is doing, but they sure ask about her money. As her POA, I don’t feel that it is any of their business. She didn’t let them know her business before so why would I do so now?
I hope your siblings come back to their senses but if they don’t, you are probably better off if this is what they take a stand on.
You are absolutely right that it is your mother’s house to do with as she sees fit, hopefully you can set it up legally to abide by her wishes. Could you do a ladybird deed?
I wonder what your M would prefer you to do?
If the house is in poor shape it may be best for all concerned to sell it. How the money is divided may become unimportant when you find out just how much money that is.
In my own family, we had some disagreements that divided us sisters after my mother passed. We each inherited about $1500. It took 2 years for the bad feelings to pass and to begin talking again. I would gladly have foregone the money, which I didn't need, and kept the relationships with my sisters. I hope you and your sibs can become friends again. A sense of family is worth far more than a few thousand dollars.
I agree, it's mom's house to do with what she wants, however what I mentioned above may be a discussion to have with mom. On the other hand, if mom starts rethinking her decision due to split among the sibs, house could still be sold and divided as with original plan. Sister would get her cut and you could give yours to her as well and perhaps help her get into condo or similar property that is in better location...or give her good down payment on a home IF her income would be enough to make ongoing payments. Then the selfish sibs could do what they want with their cut. No matter what, they have shown their colors in regard to helping out the one sibling that could use some help --- not everyone in a family rises to the same financial level. Sometimes through their own doing and sometime due to series of unavoidable circumstances. Helping or not helping your own sibling says a lot, but you can't change their mindset. More than likely the sibling relationships have already been damaged.
Your notion of "fairness" does not seem to take into consideration that members of a family are never really equal in any way. There is probably a reason why the mother confided in just one child. Perhaps she is not so close to the others? Perhaps they are not helping her or confiding in her? Why are you so sure that dividing money equally represents the value the mother has for the children? If the children do not equally value the mother does the mother still need to value the children equally? I think your view of the situation may be far too rigid for reality.
Having said that, my gut feeling would be to share the proceeds of the property between all my children (to avoid arguments) and try and help my struggling daughter now.
I’ve been an Executor and getting stuck with a will done decades ago, never updated will be such a muddle to go through. The biggest is folks named as beneficiaries have themselves died, so you get stuck having to speak with whomever is the Executor for that now deceased Estate unless this very situation was clearly defined in the will as to how to deal with the skip. Property listed in the will got sold off way before death and now that supposed heir of that specific property is really peeved as they get nothing but others do. Things over time were given away or sold off and again those who were told they would be inheriting a specific item or collection are left without. Dusting off that will and updating it to reflect changes is a good thing.
What we see often on this forum is years ago a well meaning sibling in their will leaves $ - whether it’s 5K or 50K or more - to a now on LTC Medicaid sibling in a NH and this inheritance is an increase in assets that causes them to be ineligible for Medicaid. If it’s a ton of $, like 200K/300K or more, well that’s all fabulous as plenty of $ to private pay. But leaving them a more modest amount - even as low as $2,000.00 - does nothing but pose problems for the NH elder and their POA as now elder is ineligible, POA has to do a spend down & maybe deal with reversing SSA rep payee stuff & file taxes, etc. If elder did any legal to get qualified for LTC Medicaid (Miller Trust) that’s all cocked up now so Hello! Atty costs. The NH elder on LTC Medicaid cannot turn down the inheritance either.
Imho Wills should be reviewed periodically and then changes done via a codicil.
Not an attorney but personally I would never ever do this as a DIY, but meet with an Estate and Elder Law attorney to see what options look like in her State. Your mom sounds that she is very competent and cognitive so doing this not an issue. She needs an atty to deal with this as it involves minors as beneficiaries and that is really State specific as to what has to be taken into consideration.
Could be that for your State what might be away to do this with less post death blowback is to:
- update will via a Codicil. Mom meets with atty to discuss although you as her POA can drive her to the meeting. Atty has witnesses and notary so all is 100% legal without your involvement. Atty keep old will and the new codicil.
- codicil names you as Executor for probate.
- in the Codicil, house is to be placed into a Testamentary Trust with the two minors as the beneficiary of the TT. Usually a minor cannot outright inherit stuff so a TT does this as an after death process in probating her will. Their mom would be the Trustee with the power to sell property if need be for the best interest for the beneficiaries (her kids). & this way technically Sissy not inheriting the house, should a sibling ask…
As an aside…. Mom might should consider having all her bank accounts done to be POD or TOD to you as you will be her Executor and the $ in her accounts upon her death goes to you then you can use $ to pay for funeral and costs on her house till it finally goes out of probate.
Back to inheriting that house, State law matters as this involves “minors”. Maybe for your State that Testamentary may not the way to go but mom could do a Lady Bird Deed and name Sissy's kids as heirs; or your State allows for a usufruct and that’s done (mine does and used often for 2nd / 3rd marriages spouses to continue to use property to be inherited by kids from marriage #1). Or the best plan could be she moves the house title right now out of her name into an irrevocable Trust with Sissys kids as beneficiaries w/you and Sissy as Trustees and fingers crossed she does not need a NH and has to file for LTC Medicaid to pay for her care costs till 2029. Not a DIY.
Even if you do none of this, I’d really HIGHLY suggest that mom spend $ to get house inspected and then appraised. Should be under 1K for the duo and the appraiser can use the inspection report to develop their own report. Both done by licensed and registered professionals (not Realtor provided comps on value). So there are 2 valid legal legit reports on her house and why it is that lower value. Siblings (and their spouses) that are already carping about inheritance when mom even isn't on her deathbed are going to be all in your face that the house is worth way way waaaaaay more. Having that inspection and appraisal shuts done that bs nonsense.
Good luck and let us know what happens as we all do learn from each other’s experiences.
me me and I - state of our poor world!
maybe find out value and costs selling and see what’s left and split in ratio needed
and offer the other greedy siblings a small donation
it’s seen as favouritism but your mothers being a mother looking after who needs a helping hand more
I guess the lesson here is don’t share private conversations to anyone else
especially contentious ones
that said now that it’s happened
you were entitled to your own opinion
and if your siblings feel offended by that -that really is their problem
they’re prob living beyond their means and looking forward to money to pay debts or buy more stuff usually
maybe a small offering to them but it’s your mothers call and if she feels one sibling needs more help than the others then as a mother that’s her decision
as you say if she’s the one struggling
maybe a smaller donation to the others
or ask them what they think is fair as one of the family is suffering and not living in the standard as everyone else
gives them the choice to be reasonable or go their own way
either way don’t be blackmailed or feel bad about expressing your view. You are entitled to your view. If your mother didn’t ask the rest for their view there is prob. A good reason why!
good luck
if there is no mortgage—add her to the deed. Simple, but check with a legal expert to ensure your state has right of survivorship. Good luck and hope she finds a loving home to ensure her children’s stability.
A large gift could be a problem if Mom ever needs Medicaid LTC.
The additional person on the deed exposes the property to their creditors and other liabilities.
Having an asset in her name may disqualify the daughter and her children from many aid programs.
If she was remiss in making any arrangement then I guess whoever can grab the keys.
HOW idiotic can people be BEFORE they get that old???/
Having said all that, your sister and her two children need help. Her children are innocent and being in their own home is enormous for their future. Support her and keep your integrity. If your other siblings are worthy, they will eventually accept their mother's decision. Understand that their mother loves them just the same. All of you are loved by your mother. Respecting your mother's decision is not essential. (If your siblings are disrespectful.) They must face mirrors on a daily basis. Eventually they will not like what they see once they understand their childlike actions! Love, Al
These decisions are up to your mother and should not even be discussed with her children. Obviously.
Leave it up to MOM and stay out of the chaos. Tell your siblings that very thing and then let the chips fall where they may.
Has Mom talked to sister about leaving her the house, she may not want that burden.
We state in our wills that any beneficiary that contests our decisions for OUR money gets nothing. Hopefully, it will stop the carnivorous behavior that both our families have concerning money. If not, they will spend lots of money and lose anything they would have received.
Inheritance is a gift, not a right, I pray for your family that they can get over the idea that they are loved less or whatever their ideas are regarding getting their "share" of moms estate.
Whomever your mother puts in the will gets the house.
It is ONLY and SOLELY up to your mother and she should do this at once.
She owes no explanations to other siblings about her choice. It would however be very good if she tells her reasoning in the body of the will itself so that other siblings cannot make trouble after her death.
I don't care, nor will any court or anyone else WHAT the siblings think or say.
Your mother should do exactly and precisely whatever she wants to do and she should NOT be discussing it and putting it out there for argument.
As to your other siblings no longer being on speaking terms with you, I think you are very lucky that their selfish backsides are off your sofa.
However, I also had the thought that since the house “ needs a lot of work “, how is apartment sis going to manage fixing things ? It may be too expensive for sis to maintain . If sis gets the house maybe she should sell it and like already said use the money to rent a bigger apt while the kids still live with her .
It’s mute anyway as others said , if Mom needs to sell it for her care .
When you own a home you never stop spending money on it. If your apartment sister inherits the house, can she afford to pay the property taxes, insurance, utilities, maintenance, and surprise repair costs? It doesn't really sound like it, especially while trying to raise 2 minor children and with a deadbeat ex. Also, where I live we have to shovel our driveway all winter long, and mow every week in the summer. Is this sister even a good money manager? Is she still unemployed?
I was raised by a single parent working Mom, but we had the "luxury" of also having her 2 sisters (who also worked full-time) live with us. Even then, our house was a lot of work and my 3 "Mothers" scrimped and saved to afford what we had.
My son bought an older home. Within the first few months the AC needed to be replaced for several hundreds of dollars. Then within the first 2 years he had a $3K plumbing debacle. Large trees fell over in the yard from storms (the cost of removal not covered by insurance). And there are still other appliances in the queue to fail sooner rather than later. We refer to his house as The Money Pit.
Maybe Mom's house should be sold and the money split so that apartment sister can maybe afford to rent a nicer place in a good school district and without the extra (and stressful!) homeowner headaches? Your Mom needs to look at the entire future picture for her apartment daughter, and not just her present circumstances.
You bought up several valid points that I agree with.
Thank you for sharing.
J :)
Id be the same way, but I agree with funky grandma, if your mom is in moderate health, you have no clue the future, how long your moms moderate health will continue and how much care she is going to need in the future.
Best to not even consider it at this point. If your sister is willed the house, your other siblings may push all the caregiving on to her, and your sister has enough going on without that stress.
Best of luck to you.