She has dementia. I moved in with my grandparents to help with my grandfather who had Alzheimer's disease. When he passed away, I moved my grandmother in with me. I have no siblings, children, parents, significant other or friends. I took a leave of absence from work. I'm drowning in debt, depression, and guilt. I have a lot of patience. Teaching middle school for 22yrs. helps. Yet, I still get so angry, internally, with my grandmother. She is argumentative, stubborn, mean, etc. It's not the grandmother I grew up with but the disease. I know this so why can't I stop the anger and frustration. It breaks my heart watching her try to remember things or do things. She was a strong, independent woman especially for her time. I love her so much. I am blessed to still have her in my life at 91 years old. She has a "son" who does nothing to help. He is critical and cruel. Yet she takes it from him and checks her phone numerous times a day to see when he last called. Waiting for him to call again. HELP!
If you're "drowning in debt" she needs an alternate living situation ASAP or you'll destroy your own future and be completely screwed when she passes.
Put her in a Nursing Home or Memory Care.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job but are on overload. I think you should create a dialogue with her son informing him how she’s really doing, how you need more help with her, and how much she misses him. He needs to know. Perhaps he can help financially (as he should) with contributing towards more local help. If funds aren’t available from Gram or her son, apply to Medicaid for in home care. You need a break.
Please stay on this site as a source of information and support. God bless you!
Let me start off by saying you're a wonderful person and your grandmother is lucky to have you. Never say never though. Sometimes there's no choice but to put a person in a care facility.
You say that she has a son who is critical and cruel to her, yet she's able to keep her behavior in check with him. So she isn't as far gone with dementia as maybe you think.
I've been a caregiver to more elders with dementia then I can count. One thing that I learned over the years, is that many elders with dementia will abuse their caregivers, but are able to keep it in check around other people. This is when boundaries must be established and reinforced with the elder. No one has to tolerate abuse.
When she is being stubborn, argumentative, and mean you get up close, look her straight in the eye and tell her loudly and firmly that she will not treat you in such a way. They walk away and completely ignore her. You must set boundaries and learn to ignore with love if you're planning on keeping her with you at home.
You mentioned that your grandmother goes to a senior center a couple of times a week. Most senior centers have staff on hand to discuss exactly what you're dealing with. They may even be able to help you find a good facility and talk to you about managing finances (many help fill out Medicaid applications with you).
What ever you do, please know that you are not alone in your feelings of anger. Many of us caregivers cope with these difficult emotions. My counselor tells me to "put your anger and worry to work." In other words, use those emotions to help move you to actions that are productive. Please know that many here understand and support you.
Could you list the nursing homes you visited that don't stink like urine and crap and are not depressing?
I've been in many nursing homes and have yet to find the one you're talking about. Where is it?
I'm sure there must be establishments like the ones you speak of but unfortunately most people aren't millionaires who can afford such lovely places.
https://lcca.com/locations/co/hallmark/
When she runs out of $$ to private pay in the Memory Care ALF she's living in now, I'm going to place her there and apply for Medicaid. Not 'all' SNFs are horrible places, that's a fact.