Why are senior men such pack rats?

My mother always wants to know what I will keep. I have learned to say it will be hard to choose because no matter what I said, she'd want to know why not something else. My husband and I are 63 and 75...not looking for more stuff! She is in Assisted Living and I've been slowly clearing her house beginning with out and out trash and organizing the rest. What I have taken home so far would horrify my mother... a set of copper plated measuring spoons I remember mom using and my dad's comb with his union insignia on it. Waterford Crystal...nah.

This issue is certainly is not restricted to men!! I helped clean out my mother's cousin's place years ago. The sister handling it did not want to pay the $1/bag (tiny bags) to pitch stuff, and at that time we still had a dump, not a transfer station, so it was "free" to dump all these things. FIVE full pickup bed (8') packed full and high. She just put everything into bags, without checking things. Because the dump was not open every day, we had to "store" it in the garage. It was a shame to have to pitch some of the items, which might have been of interest to historical societies (WWII letters and many pictures), but being a working mom I did not have time to process it all (had it been bagged sorted perhaps!) and it eventually got nasty from the damp conditions. SHE put anyone I know to shame! EVERY greeting card ever received and she had a wide circle of friends, relatives, church people. BAGS and BAGS of these alone! Stuff dating all the way back to the EARLY 1900s!!

Forward to a few years ago. We already knew mom and dad were "savers", but not going into closets and basement, we had no idea... Dad passed late 2008, but she was still competent, so we left things alone. For my son's wedding, she picked an outfit but did not try it on. When my brother stayed there for the wedding, he texts me and says she cannot get into this outfit... Well, get her to pick something else! After I offered to help her go through all the stuff and get rid of items she could not fit into. Oh, it is all nice stuff and I keep it nice. Yes mom, but if you cannot wear it because it is too small... she merely waves her hands at me. Great. I still had NO idea how much crap she had (previous house she took over every closet as we moved out, but I did not know how much she was storing in this place!

So, we moved her to MC in January and later going through the place I was dismayed! Every closet chock full, FIVE porta-closets, full, basement open closet area full, and every drawer, box, chest and so on FULL of more clothes!!! AUGH! Even bags of bags... I too save some things with intent to use and/or fix, but not to this extent!

When getting to smaller items in boxes, bathroom and kitchen drawers, things like a giant bag and another smaller bag FULL of pills! No idea what they were, took a picture for brothers and to show incompetence, and pitched it all. Found about 15-20 tape dispensers, MANY bandaids, about 10 pairs of tweezers, and so on. Old stuff that was no good, pitch it! In the basement, dad's stuff. Old tools, newer tools, bits and pieces... Y'all know what I'm talking about so no need to list it!!!

The sad thing is WE sometimes learn from them and do this. I finally after moving shredded the 90's and 2000's... more to come later. Once renovating my place is done, there will be pitching happening. However, to compound this is we want her place cleared out and touched up so that we can rent it to help pay for her MC unit... Anything still "good" had to go somewhere... We pitched a LOT of useless stuff, gave a lot of still usable items to the neighbor for their church tag sale, but it is a shame to toss good useful clothing. What we cannot sell will be donated at the least. I took a few smaller furniture items, and a few bits of clothing (her taste and mine are not in sync!), but the rest needs to find a new home! Younger brother, after saying he did not want anything ended up taking much of the furniture, putting it into storage. He even had taken a few items from me when I moved (PITCH IT!) Older brother came up to help and took quite a few items, including wicker furniture and many accessories that were in the sun room - I tried to keep my take to a minimum and focus on useful items like nicer pillows and some bedding, as I do not need more crap to get rid of!

The lesson to be learned from this is after you finish with mom and/or dad's stuff, clear out your own! Don't leave this for your kids or whoever. If there is no family (i.e. no kids, no close relatives), you could leave your stuff as is and let some unknown person deal with it!!! hahahahaha!

Sad to say, my son-in-law was "taught the skill" of hoarding by his mother! Hello? Skill? No, not really! Now I have asked this woman 8 times "when I go over to the local charitable donation facility where I DONATE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE ONE CANNOT KEEP 250 teddy bears, I will be glad to pick up your items for donation, too." So far, no go. I will not be asking a 9th time. She said to me "I have no room in my file cabinet." I felt like saying "No duh," but I held my tongue.

Dear tired only child;yes I agree you are correct it's so very sad ,like I said I try to laugh or I cry ,it's so sad to think these prominent, atheletic,self efficient people have lost the ability to do much of anything, and their life's Dream is left behind ....

My Aunt had a 3 story house passed down for 3 generations and it was so full we could not even get in the front door...the bed took us 4 hours to clear it off ..she was sleeping in a chair !the couch that took 2 hours to clear the kitchen sink buried under plastic containers they were all washed....75 boxes of bandaid ,Toilet paper enough that lasted a whole year after she moved with us ,paper towels enough for a year also I mailed it home lol haha un real ooohhh and 30 bags of fertilizer I gave it to her neighbors...what the heck....I get it for real ,my aunts house was dangerous for anyone to walk through ...it took 3 ,30 yard dumpsters ,3 van loads of books donated to libraries, hired a guy to remove chemicals ,and a guy to recycle paperwork ....still we have a entire railroad container filled with all of her precious memories......believe me I GET IT .....LOL HAHAHA I laugh or I cry giggles!!

Well they are losing control of so many things in their elderly years I suppose hanging on to stuff is importaint.....and our seniors had it rough growing up in the depression....that stuff is like gold..unless it's dirty ...or a danger for falling WHO CARES ....let them collect.

Agingmyself, good idea selling it for charity, It sounds like you had a HUGE burden with the farm. The waste in America is so sad, multiply that with hundreds of thousands across the country and its no wonder the landfills are full and the oceans polluted with things we thought we wanted or from people who die and it all goes in the dumpster. Explains the truth of "you can't take it with you".
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Having been left with my parents' 60-year accumulation, then my sister's stuff, I look forward with horror at my mother-in-laws hoard.
At least my parents were restricted to filling a huge house and a mini-barn. Mother- in-law has a whole farm. She just has a new building put up when all the others are full. Two huge chest freezers full of aged food. Old degraded canned food. Buildings full of junk.

Husband and I are NOT going to do this to his kids. We loaded a trailer he pulls with his pickup with stuff we don't use, parked it in front of the house with a jar for payment, and people take what they want. We have saved the $ we'd have spent on dump fees and have collected a nice donation for our church.
I'm hoping we might get MIL to do the same; but she keeps all this stuff--and buys more--because she thinks the "kids" might be able to use it some day. Suggesting that she give it to them now won't work, because none of them want it. But, you know, "someday" they might. Sigh.

My mom had a stroke at 55 in the 90s, and the only thing that kept her sanity was the Internet that came roaring into life right as she could have felt terribly isolated on our farm. Fast forward to 2013 - and she dies of breast cancer. My father is so weak, he moves down to Atlanta. I go up to Ohio as an only child to clean out a hoard of a paper in the farmhouse, the barn, and three storage units. Mortgage statements - of my GRANDMOTHER's - along with cash stuck everywhere - shoes, books, back of cabinets. In the end, it took a team of seven - with an organizer - to clean out the farm in a week. I touched every single paper. We had a shredder on site - with more than 1.1 ton of paper shredded. But in the end,  the process worked, and I was able to clean out that farm with great efficiency - and amazingly, it looked so good, it sold within two months of being put on the market. My house is now overrun with the antiques of the farm, files upon files of genealogy, and my own stuff (which is too much). So now I'm on a crusade to clear out all of my stuff so that my children won't have to do what I did. It was horribly stressful - and it made me sad at the same time because I know my mother - who would lose her mind with a cluttered home - had all that paper because she would print things out that she was interested in the internet, but didn't have the mobility trapped in a wheelchair to deal with the paper she was generating. Everything neat, but it all got away from her and dad in the end. They had been in the farmhouse for four decades. When it sold, I felt like my childhood was swept away with my mother's death and the sale of the farmhouse. I still don't look at pictures of the farm on Google or Zillow because it either will be changed for the good (which will make me envious) or it will have changed for the bad (which will make me rage) I think as you lose energy as you get older, the house just gets away from you...

My mother clung to things so much, she would claim my things as her own. For example, if I was wearing a necklace she liked, she would claim it was hers. No matter that I knew different. I never wear anything I'd like to keep around her. This goes back years. Once I fought her hard because she claimed an anniversary gift from my husband. No way! Mostly I'd give in to keep the peace. It taught me to let go of stuff at least.

Hi AmyGrace,

If it's the hobbies that are actually the problem, have you tried asking him that if he narrowed it down to his favorite, which would it be? Then maybe he would agree to let go of the other hobbies and stuff with it.

I think though that you're in touch with what may be the only solution when you stated, "He won't give anything away unless I simply remove it. Since I want to move, and I definitely don't want to bring all that with us to go in the next basement, I'll keep chipping away at it."

The knife story is funny though - doesn't it just figure! Anyhow, to keep your own sanity get rid of what you can on your own, and most likely he won't bark about it too much. Hoarding would be terrible to deal with. Good luck!

Pack ratting often occurs to those who never marry and have a family - they have to have something to hold on to

Observing hubs carefully, I would see him place items strategically.
1) In front of cupboards he didn't want me to have access to.
2) In walkways to keep me unsettled, distracted, hopping mad, and challenged to avoid injury.

It is a bit OCD on his part. It is a way to control. Control surroundings, control others, all while having a false sense of control of self.

On the other hand, I have my own problems. When Jessebelle and others described her mother having tissues everywhere, missing the trash cans....I tried this out, testing my theory. It can be very sick, but also very satisfying to throw something on the floor (as your loved one leaves the room), aiming it at him but missing on purpose. Then, knowing he will be unable to walk by it (he collects bottles) without picking it up, has it's own evil thrill. That is the end of my experiment and observation----it is about control.
And forcing one to become subservient-another way to control others.

This dynamic is unhealthy. But I don't yet have an answer as to how to stop him hoarding in the walkways of our home. I have even blown up, and thrown his latest placement outside, determined to end the war. I have threatened to call APS.
Clear a space one day, and not even 12 hours, it is filled up again!

My only revenge....once he has collected all the bottles, hoarded them in the shed a long time, I turn them in for the money and keep it...he pouted for weeks, is now hiding "his" bottle collection.
Don't like this at all, don't like that I needed to "observe" his behaviors at all.

I am pretty sure the holding is because our elders grew up in the depression .Never knowing where they would get their next meal .or if they would have a next meal so their things are very meaningful to them and they already have to give up SO MUCH that it's like a mourning process.Just let them have it.Well within reason. Who cares,anyone else that sees it understands.

This type of "activity," sadly, falls under the broad umbrella of mental illness-hoarding. He will need the help of a psychiatrist. Then depending on the amount of "stuff" accumulated, someone may have to come in to help purge out the items.

When it came time for us to move, I had movers take what we wanted, then called "estate sale" company. They sold what they could, donated the rest to Good Will, then cleaned out the house. Pain free and after 30 years worth of stuff! I did have pages out of my husband's scrapbook at age 10, framed for the new home. I call them my museum quality art.

Wow - I feel better after hearing some other stories! Caring - all good suggestions, I wish they would work on him. His hobbies ARE the problem. He is going to have to live to be 120 in order to get to them all. He is good with his hands, always puttering, repairing stuff around the house. But he has no time for all the hobbies he's accumulated: working on the camper, keeping up the house, hasn't had time in years and years for the street rod in the basement, piles of expensive carving wood and tools, dozens of cameras for photography, fishing rods and reels, camping equipment, dozens of unopened boxes of model cars, lots of books (which he did sort out since now he mostly uses a kindle)...................four boxes of his childhood toys in the attic (mostly worn out and well used) When he is not puttering, he is reading or on a forum on the internet. He won't give anything away unless I simply remove it. Since I want to move, and I definitely don't want to bring all that with us to go in the next basement, I'll keep chipping away at it.
LOL - we had this ugly knife set in the back of a drawer in the kitchen. I took it to the nearly new shop. Lo and behold, I had a roast, and what did he do? Instead of going for the electric knife, he went in that drawer and looked for that knife set. At first I lied, but he knew what I did and wasn't mad. But he got on the internet and ordered another carving knife! Oh well.

My mother was an organized hoarder with a spending problem. When I moved her 11 months ago, and started going through some of her stuff, I found that she was spending on average 1200 per month on catalog crap. And I do mean crap, or clothes or shoes, some jewelry of the month club, and things to store the stuff she was buying, shoe boxes, small furniture to store stuff. . . it's been a nightmare. And she was worse in her own home, this was the stuff she didn't sell or give away before moving in to my home, along with 18 wardrobe packing boxes full of hanging clothes.

Most of it is still here, I have taken essentials to her apartment (well, I'm not sure that 250 DVD's that she doesn't watch because she can't figure out her DVD player are essential), stuff that makes her happy. I guess is is due to some sense of obligation that I have not started clearing out all the clothes and shoes and stuff.

I am trying to make sure I don't fall into that same trap as I get older. I wish I had entire weekends to myself to tackle it, but I get to spend at least half of one day each weekend visiting her.

Good job, johnk. I know how hard and frustrating what you're doing is. The reward is seeing a little more floor or counter space at a time.

Hi AmyGrace,

I relate to the pack-rat anxiety! If you could find something that would take his focus off the 'stuff' you might be able to get him to finally let go of the things. Have you asked him if there is anyone that he feels would like to have his things? If he had a specific person he felt would like a fishing reel, camera etc., maybe that would help him to let go. Get him hooked on the good feeling of giving something up for someone else?

Is there a hobby that your husband is still capable of doing? A change of focus for him could be a way to get him to let go of 'stuff'. If he likes to work with his hands maybe you could encourage him to develop some sort of hobby using his hands - something he could possibly still do if he completely loses his sight. If so, perhaps you could use that as an incentive for him to get rid of the 'stuff' that wouldn't pertain to that hobby. Selling his other belongings could provide some funds to use toward the hobby as an incentive to get rid of the unnecessary belongings.

The last thing that comes to mind would be if he can get excited about the money to sell some of the things. Years ago I had a cousin who had a garage sale, and he really got a kick out of the success of his garage sale. He boxed up multiple items in taped boxes, and sold them as 'grab bags' - most of which he had marked for only $5.00 a box. He was amazed that every grab bag box of hidden treasures were sold - curiosity was the appeal for the buyers. He was careful to not load just junk into each box, and made sure he had placed at least one good item inside to be worthy of at least the price the box was bought for. You could have a 'man cave' sale - lol.

My mother was a lifelong hoarder, packrat, and clutterer. She kept accumulating things her whole life and wasn't able to throw anything away. The garage was a garbage dump. She could never put her car in the garage for 23 years in this house or for 35 years in her previous house. The garage had no visible floor space. Same with the 2nd bedroom. I changed her bedding for 15 years before she had the stroke. The bedroom was so cluttered with bags and boxes of stuff; junk mail and papers, that I had to climb over the bed to change the sheets. There was a path about 9 inches wide through the hallway and the bedroom to her side of the bed. The day she had her massive stroke the EMTs had a hard time getting the stretcher to the bedroom because there was only so much stuff I could move in a hurry. I have been trying to make the house more livable for the past 2 years. I can now see floor in the garage and 2nd bedroom. Even though I keep moving things out of the house in the form of garbage, recycling, and donations, there is always much more. She just kept buying things, much of which she never used. Many things were never even opened; still in the boxes it came in. Half of her clothes were never worn; still in the original packaging. Every drawer and closet is still packed with stuff. She had clothes all over the house in every room. Right now it looks like a normally cluttered house instead of a horrendously cluttered house. When I get the garage cleared some more I can start bringing the stuff down from the attic. More packed stuff up there. I don't know what makes someone like this. I am the exact opposite. I like to own a minimal of things.

Oh, the stories I could tell. My husband is a hoarder. If I had not learned to be able to walk by it without looking at it, I would have had to check myself into the looney bin. He is always organizing, and I mean always. My kids and I cannot stand it. There is stuff everywhere and to me it's depressing. I also have my 89 yr old mother with Alzheimer's with me and managing the two of them is hard enough. Now on top of it all I have been told my job is being outsourced! So that looney bin may come in handy after all. I did tell my husband that the day after he passes, I'm shoving it all to the curb and not looking back. So if there are things he needs to do with them, he'd better get it done. I don't think he believes me, but I'm serious. I have never been able to park in the garage and I look forward to it! To top it all, I just looked down and realized I have on 2 different colored socks today! Ha! Haha!

Free stuff will go in minutes if you live on a busy highway.

So many of us have pack rat tendencies! I took advantage of this and had 2 huge FREE garage sales of my Mom’s stuff. People will take anything for free and it was cheaper than dumpsters (I’d already filled 13 of those.) Put signs up around the area and a free ad on Craigslist. Everything went!! Of course, All family members had taken all the treasures we could fit into our homes beforehand. It’s so hard to part with “stuff” but my motto is to “keep it moving.” I was happy to see her things going to new homes. I had a box of old paper bags for shoppers to use and someone walked up and took the whole box, lol. Unfortunately, during the second sale, someone took my folding table I had placed lots of items on!!! Oh well, one less thing to store.

All of this is a good argument against "aging in place" and letting your children clean up the final horrendous mess. After my husband's death, I sold our house and moved to a smaller apartment with just enough storage for my clothes and a few mementos. I now have a gentleman friend whose house I won't even go into because of all the accumulated junk. He's a great dinner and traveling companion and we share a lot of common interests, but no way would I ever marry or even move in with him.

Yes, My mother is finally in Assisted Living and is starting to forget her house...some days. My father had been a packrat of spare parts, old magazines, etc. Now when he was younger he was able to use those things to repair and even make new things (he built a beautiful garden arbor from scrap lumber and old turned sections from tables and chairs). My mother never saw a piece of decor she didn't want. She had everything from their sold summer home, her share of her parent's and brother's houses and my brothers entire household (who was no slouch at collecting in his lifetime). The main rooms look fine if a tad cluttered. But the basement, garage, attics and upstairs are positively packed. I have been slowly weeding stuff out but it's exhausting. I open a drawer and there are 110 old and new toothbrushes. Shortly before my father died I found him sitting in the basement trying to sort and toss. He looked defeated and said to me mournfully, " I am so sorry." I remember that as I go through this painful dismantling.

Many good comments here. 1. Look in every drawer, jacket pocket and purse/wallet. I found a silver dollar, and old savings bond, and some treasured family photos.
2. Look now on auction sites for what may have some value to someone else. I did find out that many younger folks are not interested in the furniture, knick-knacks, ect, for something to use in their own home. A few items from the 40's and 50's are considered "retro" and may sell well if in good condition at auction. Something I learned from turning to an auction house -- as much as I anticipated the items being "showcased" and getting a large bid -- it's not reality. So much stuff is going to auction these days as the WWII and Depression-era persons pass away. The auction houses are batching as "glassware" for instance and selling the lot in one box at a low price to keep it moving. If you really have a good memory of it -- keep it a few years before deciding. If not -- take a photo for your memories and let it go.
3. If some of you have a house that is not under sale that moment, then it's not as big a panic. Try sorting smartly and thoroughly in under 30 days to clear all like I had to do. That was a real panic. I did the best I could. The proceeds went to a "personal spending" account for my parent when she went to a nursing home. It was only a few hundred dollars. She was sure all "her stuff" would bring many thousands. Luckily my auction broker wrote down a pretty good listing of items as proof in sale. Hope this helps.

Start throwing things out without him knowing. And should he ask "Where is my...", just answer you don't know. When we moved my folks out of their house 5 years ago to move into Independent Living we paid for 2 tonnes of garbage at the dump of things they never even realized were gone. They left the packing to us. Now that Dad has passed mom has moved into her own condo and again more "stuff" got tossed. Who needs 6 flyswatters? But her new condo looks great, clear of junk and she loves it.

First, age has little to do with "pack-rattery" and be thankful that instead of sitting like a lump, at least he is doing something with his rearranging. I can only imagine how this is driving you crazy - but still better than his sitting and not doing anything, which is the stage my DH is in.

When the time comes to move, you'll call in the Boy Scouts and they will assist you in boxing, moving and dumping. When you ask, The Lord will provide.

Sneak it out little by little, chances are he won't notice. My father bought from bradford exchange to the point the boxes were piled up to the ceiling. All junk. You couldn't tell him anything. I had to get to the mailbox before he did and throw out all the bradford exchange mail and advertising. They are vultures. A scourge on society, they take advantage of the elderly. For your own sake, get rid of what you can. Good luck.