I have moved my mom to a private facility. It was only intended to be during a respite period but they say she is doing so extremely well there - interacting, participating in the activities, eating and sleeping well - but most importantly NO aggression - something I was having trouble with at home with the caregivers. She is asking for me but so far easily redirected. They strongly encouraged that I leave her there. With all the positives and it is really a very nice place - so why can’t I stop crying - this is what I wanted.
This is a big change. For your mom and for you. I remember dropping my mom off at the nursing home for the first time. I felt like I was dropping my child off at kindergarten.
Be glad she is adapting. It may not last you know. Enjoy this time when you can relax and know she is being looked after. In the future she will ask for you and not be so easily redirected.
You are feeling left behind. It's natural. Have a good cry! It soothes the soul.
Get a good night's sleep.
Cry if you need too. As far as asking why? Oh my goodness, it’s emotional. I cried when I saw my mom in the hospice house. I didn’t cry in front of her. As soon as I got in the car to go home, I cried.
It was the very best place for mom to be, still I cried, just like you are. I am happy that mom died peacefully. Mom adjusted well to being there. Still, for me, it was knowing that this was the end, accepting that this was the very last place that my mom would be. I suppose that I was beginning the grieving process.
Oh man, all of it is so emotional. I understand how you feel. I am crying now too, remembering everything. Well, it hasn’t been that long since mom died. She died at the end of April.
When mom went to hospice she was relieved. I had her in my home for 15 years. My brother had her in his home for 14 months. It was hard. It’s exhausting.
Mom hated feeling like she was a burden on us.
I can tell you that my mom received excellent care in her hospice house.
I am glad that your mom is being well cared for. You may be crying now, but trust me, you will be so glad that your mom has a professional staff caring for her. It will be a welcome relief.
I did feel at peace knowing that mom was in good hands. I was always a wreck towards the end of caring for her, dealing with falls, the ER visits and so on. Caregiving only gets harder as it goes on. It never gets any easier. Having hospice at the end of her life was such a blessing.
I wish you peace. I wish the very best for your mom. Take care.
Sudden relief from intense stress
Separation from your mother
Strange new territory
Apprehension about what happens next
How long since the decision to let her stay in the facility? It sounds as if it can't have been very long at all.
As soon as she’s comfortable, you’ll find that you can relax into a new and perhaps even more rewarding relationship with her, that may have been available to either of you as her needs recently increased.
Relax, get out to places you enjoy, stay in touch with her care staff.
You’ve lovingly made the best decision for you AND for her. Be at peace with it.
I will remember you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. Sending many hugs your way. Take care.
Then the NP had the audacity to recommend that I place Dad in a private care facility owned (?) or run (?) by a friend!
By the time I left in the evening, a winter storm had moved in, and there was at least 7" of snow on the ground, continually increasing. I cleaned the car 3 - 4 times before I figured out a way to keep up with the heavy snow. Then I drove the 50 +/- miles home slowly, and literally collapsed and cried once I got home. I think it was the relief of knowing that Dad had finally been admitted and the attending was a very concerned physician.
And while this is just guesswork (although there may be some documented evidence someplace), our bodies have their own release valves, crying being one of them.
This is an interesting article on why humans cry:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319631
I personally you're relieved that you've found a place where your mother can be comfortable and adapt well. Congratulations to you for your efforts and perseverance!
I, too, figured that the body need(s)(ed) a release and crying is the way it is happening. I'll check out this article on the why - humans cry.
Thank you.
Gena / Touch Matters
Cry if you need to, that's fine.
"Tears are God's gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow."
~Rita Schiano
Your mother is safe & having a good time in the ALF. Thank God for that. You're freed up now to live your own life and relax a bit. Thank God for that, too. It's okay to feel relief and cry for IT, too.
Wishing you all the best of luck in this next phase of your life.
I know I will cry too; not because he's at MC but because the man i loved and married is gone.
I imagine you are crying because the mother you've known and loved is gone. Never to return. She is in a place where people with much more training and experience will make sure she is safe and cared for. You can now go visit a new friend who just happens to look like your mom. I'm sending you a huge hug
You don't mention how long you've been taking care of your mother, but likely long enough or maybe even a little too long. You probably have a lot of pent up emotions that can finally be expressed. While caring for her, there wasn't time to just sit and let it all out!
There could be any number of reasons for why you are crying. Relief, but feeling guilty for being relieved? Sad because she seems to be doing so much better there than under your care? Realizing this will be the final stage in mom's journey? Feeling alone, a different kind of "empty nest" syndrome?
Go ahead and cry. Get it all out. After a short while, go visit mom. She may express desire to go home, so be prepared with redirection - ask to meet her new friends, join in activities, bring small gifts to distract her, etc. Also have your exit "strategy" prepared. If possible, get her interested in some activity and excuse yourself to use the lady's room, so she won't be begging to go with you and upsetting you.
Try not to feel guilt for feeling relieved. Care-giving for those with dementia IS difficult. I would be SO relieved if my mother had adjusted as well as your mother has! She wasn't too difficult, but so many have a hard time. You are blessed that the transition has gone so well!
Try not to feel like you failed somehow because she seems to do so well there and is relatively happy. They are a team, not one person, managing it all AND have a lot more experience too! You are one person who was struggling to do it all. There is also a lot of activity and distractions to keep her more "occupied", where you had to manage everything yourself AND try to entertain her! Without realizing it, you were probably very stressed, and our emotions, even unspoken, can affect their emotions, so it may be why she exhibited agression.
This is why so often we recommend facilities. So long as we take the time to properly vet the place, it can often be so much better for those with dementia. It is said that socializing and various activities DO help, both in sometimes slowing the progression AND in giving them an outlet for their own needs. Unfortunately keeping a LO home only allows a limited amount of socializing, mostly with the one providing the care, and since we have to manage everything there is less time and energy for coming up with various activities to stimulate them!
It is a sad time when we have to do this, but it is wonderful how well she is doing. There will be more times that you feel like crying, but it should get better over time. Don't repress the tears - they need to be shed. Cry for happy! This is all new to you. What you'd planned as a respite time is likely to become permanent. Look forward to visiting with your mother, being her loving daughter again, instead of a stressed out care-giver. Now you can try enjoying your times together instead of struggling to be Super-Daughter-Care-Giver. Make some wonderful memories for you to cherish!
I don’t think any one of us could ever “fully” explain what our caregiving journeys have been like - they are filled with so many different versions of highs and lows - good and bad - and strength and weaknesses. I think you are just actually feeling and going through a lot of the emotions that we as caregivers suppress in order to get done what we have to get done in an often impossible world.
Give yourself this time - let it out - cry - laugh - do something for yourself (which probably feels foreign) - join a support group - find a therapist and take one day at a time. Most of all “Breathe” - and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to. Crying is good - it will refresh you and allow you to feel lighter and hopefully strengthen you so you continue to make the best decisions going forward for you both. Biggest hug - and as mom and I sing and say in times when we feel we are a crossroad and not sure where our next path leads - we sing “Every little thing is going to be Alright”. In that moment we are letting go and allowing faith to guide us 🌷
This winter and spring were intense as my brother had two brain surgeries for cancer, and then for two months bounced around hospitals and nursing facilities when he developed an infection and later Covid. I realized cancer treatment would not be successful so finally made the decision to put him in hospice. I also found a much better nursing facility too. Once he was settled in with such great care I had a lot less worry. But suddenly I couldn’t get anything done. Then I realized I was very depressed—now the grief was here and I could recognize. Since then I have felt better.
Let the tears come. They’re healing. And what a blessing that your mom is doing so well!
Know that you are still your mother's caregiver - your role is just different - you are now her advocate to make sure she gets what is needed. You again get to be her daughter when you visit. You no longer have the stress of the day to day care of mom but have a team of caregivers around the clock trained to care for mom.
Be kind to yourself; may you be blessed with peace, grace, joy and love.
Currently you are suffering from a mixture of relief/grief. Relief that she is being well cared for and has settled well, and grief that you have lost her - it can feel as though someone has died because they are not in the same life as before, or you know she will never come out.
We have to come to terms with these things. Life has changed, but as you become used to the situation you will feel better. For now don't worry about the crying it is a very normal way to relieve emotion. Hugs to you as you go through this change in your life. Be happy for Mum that she is comfortable, has company and has settled in.
you’re feeling a lot of guilt thinking
she should be home with you. We’ve all been there but we need to
come to realize when it’s way more than we can handle . Admit that !!
there’s no good solution for this .and
it Has to work for both of you !!
I felt same everyday my husband was in care .. you’re probably perfectionist. But you need to realize that
you’re doing the very best you can ..
she’s well cared for .. safe… and happy . What more can you want.
huge blessing that she loves being there (that may change .. be prepared) visit often .. take her outings .. bring food small gifts and enjoy her without all the grunt work
bad behaviours and boredom.
by the way this forum helps way more than psychologist so save your $ .
Best luck
Talk to your mom and see what she Free.
Not fun being out of your element.
Not fun being made to get up, get dressed when you might prefer staying in your bathrobe relaxing.
My sister use to work in an elderly place and just so she would have time to get everyone bathed or showered, she would have to wake people up starting 5 in the morning. Would you like someone coming to your room, waking you up at 5 AM telling you morning, it's time for your bath?
If your not sure, ask yourself if you'd rather be there or in your own home?
Ask the place if you can put a camera in your mom's room so you can view and hear first hand,, how shes doing anytime you want 24 7 from your cell or computer.
I installed Nest Cameras which work great and pretty easy to install in my Dad's house so I could see how he and the Caregivers interacted.
Most Senior Homes are understaffed and your just another patient to them.
If an animal at the Zoo that's in the most beautiful cage and space you've ever seen could talk, would they say it's great, I would rather be here than wild and free. I don't think so.
Mout people do better in their own home where they feel more loved, happy and safe.
Go to a movie, go for a walk at a park and feed the squirrels, get out in the sunshine, go to one of the bookstores that has a little cafe in eat where you can have a cup of coffee and read a book or magazines. Take short little day trips somewhere. Go to Starbucks so you're around other people and have a cup of coffee and read a book, your computer, the newspaper. Go shopping and buy a new top, maybe something colorful. Maybe go to a restaurant that has a bar and sit at the bar ( you can get a non-alcoholic drink, if you like ) and try to join in a conversation. Maybe take an online or in-person class somewhere. You could go to one of those painting with a twist one-time "class" where you come home with a painting.
But let yourself cry.... it will lessen over time.
I can tell you one thing though, I’m so glad I can cry. My sister has been crying since we put her there. She cries after each visit. I was wondering what’s wrong with me that I had the bulk of the caregiving responsibility because she was living with me, but I couldn’t cry. I felt like I was in robot mode.
It feels so relieving to get this pent up pressure and anxiety out finally. To know I can feel again. Maybe joy can come next.
Thank you for posting about this because I really needed it. God bless you and your mom on the next chapter of your journey whichever you choose.