My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
No, you don't feel good. Saying "no" to someone we love rarely does. But sometimes it must be done. You've taken the first step toward a more honest relationship.
MIL probably has some level of cognitive decline. She may not agree to any changes. The thing is, of course, can your wife see her way clear to say "no more" or something like that to her mom?. As adults, we don't always need to accede to the demands of our parents.
I have compared it in my mind to correcting a child. They often guilt you into feeling bad, but when you're right, your right. It does them no good to coddle and appease.
I just want to say again, typing out my thoughts and receiving valuable information from folks living with, or having past experience in these situations has been liberating. I'm still sad, but hope is in sight.
Thank you all so very much.
The bit I'm cheering loudest about is that you told her what you DO want her to do, and it's achievable, and it's right.
You're being constructive. She may take a little while to grasp the point, but you stick to it, tightly. Well done you!
You are all awesome !!! Thanks for the support from everyone. It's like having invisible friends that care.
I'm curious though, about your wife's response to what you told her. I really hope she will eventually see that what she's doing is unsustainable, and detrimental to her marriage, and will take steps to rectify the situation both for her parents and for you & her.
So glad you found this forum. I stumbled on this site couple of years ago when I was under so much stress taking care of my Alz. mother. The people here are amazing.
Your wife could really really benefit from joining this forum. Many people here have been there, done that, and know the ropes and are willing to help others.
Her response was that I, and our dog could move over there. I declined without laughing.
We have a home that I bought, a yard that needs mowed, and a dog that loves his sleeping spot. It is the home that her and I spent our lives in together. I'm not the one that chose to abandon that world for the good of her parents lives.
At this point I've been given a list of things she needs for her new living arrangement, which I will reluctantly provide.
In regards to the MIL making decisions to deny Hospice for FIL - You may like this quote I came across;
"Honoring the wishes of a person with capacity demonstrates respect for the individual. Honoring the wishes of a person without capacity is a form of abandonment. The distinction, insofar as it can be reliably made, is critical".
–Linda Farber-Post, clinical ethicist and educator
LH, I think you and your wife are beyond "maybe creating hard feelings". You are trying to save your wife's life (and get your FIL some peace at his end of life).
Not sure how this is going to play out, but you ARE doing the right thing.
This is NOT about getting the siblings to step up. They (and you) only have control over their own actions and they have voted with their feet. They clearly see that their parents need more help than a bunch of adult children can provide.
They may be your best allies here, but only in the sense that they may have some insight into how to approach your wife. Also, your adult children may be good communicators with their mom.
When an unstable house of cards falls, you can re-build a STRONGER one.
Cook something nice to eat in YOUR house (or get favorite delivery). If she suggests bring to her there, sorry the offer is just for us two.
Don't bring up 'the olds'. Smell nice, be a normal couple eating dinner, connect.
She may only be able to talk about them... it is her current walking breathing life. Just listen (or have a glass of wine & your listen face on - tip courtesy of my DH).
At some point the anger of losing HER life as it was & living her parent's life instead may hit her. The anger may be directed at you but if you are right beside her you can dodge it & redirect it (people just shouldn't get old!)
If she breaks down & has a cry - your shoulder will be waiting.
Just an idea. I've had a long day at work & I'm so thankful my DH has offered to cook tonight.
Reading a magazine i bought last year.. This woman got amnesia... her ceiling fan fell on top of her head.. Seriously? a ceiling fan clocked her correctly.. She cannot remember anything. The REHAB taught her how to make a tunafish sandwich.. Why? It takes everyday skills that we take for granite.. An amazing story about life, love, family... she didn't know her husband or her children... over a ceiling fan dropping on her... And we think we are in control of most everything that happens, until... one loose screw gets loose and drops a ceiling fan on your head....
another story, a man was biking home from work, the sun was very bright, and a teenager driving towards the bike didn't see him because of the blinding setting sun.. kills him.. Leaves a wife and kid... You don't know what is going to be thrown in your path.. You may not have that choice of being a burden to your family.. So,,, LOVE YOUR FAMILY as they may be taking care of you... LOVE THEM WHOLE HEARTEDLY.. NEVER KNOW WHAT IS AROUND THE CORNER. Your wife needs to do this. and it is okay... This too shall pass, as my MIL used to tell me.. I do miss her... LIfe is temporary. Take a deep breath.. and perhaps the right answer will come to your family...you too will learn from this experience.. especially with covid..
I keep thinking covid was just a thing until a neighbor died of it and his wife is in quarantine., and the news gives daily data on new patients and death... This is a rollercoaster ride to say the least. When will it stop?
also look in your neighborhood for homes with permanent wheel chair ramps. One story homes, clean, not much going on... rails, perhaps it's a 6 pack. :: 6 residents 2 caretakers in a one story home... knock on the door if you dare, and ask... You will most likely get your answer within 2 seconds of that door opening up. or look up the address on the internet.. see if it is a facility...Got muy LO's in a 2 minute drive from me all in the same home...
But right now MIL is singing her song "Don't need any help (from outsiders) - just need your help (all day long)". OP's Wife has been brainwashed by this on repeat.
This poor man is suffering. He has, for all intents and purposes, lost his wife. He is trying to extract her from the quagmire of caring for 2 bedridden patients with no other support "because MIL doesnt want strangers in the house".
The only way to combat this sort of thing is to have firm boundaries about how much support one will give to a crazy, unsustainable plan.
One hopes that in the absence of LH showing up, his wife will begin to see the light that she must insist that her parents hire/accept outside caregivers. If this couple is to have ANY time together, THAT is what has to happen. The ball is now in wife's court.
Once FIL has passed away, she is going to be left with her mother. Is catering to your MIL okay with your wife? I mean really okay, not just what she says her duty is. Your mother in law could live 5-6 more years. If they have the means, once this current virus episode is done, they should move now before he passes away and she ends up with her mother permanently until MIL dies too. That could be years.
When your wife first went to live with her parents, what was the plan? Did she plan to be there forever, until they both died? Because if she does not get them placed elsewhere, or make some other arrangments that is exactly what will happen.
So, I've quit on my wife.
I suggest that you and your wife seek counselling to address the issues you outlined above. Your wife needs to understand how you feel about the current situation. Together, you can both discuss options that would lower the stress of caring for senior family members and allow time to have "time off" together.
Since your wife doesn't appear to complain to your about caring for her parents, you could start researching home health care and residential facility options. When you have some viable solutions, you can bring up the topic of respite care to your wife.
You are definitely in a hard place, and I applaud your decision to support your wife. We had a similar situation when my father was terminally ill and Mom (with early-stage dementia) refused hospice care for him. I finally asked her why she didn't want hospice and she replied that she thought they would "take over" and not let her care for Dad. Once it was explained to her that their job was to SUPPORT her in Dad's care, she accepted it and hospice was able to come in and assist him in his final weeks. Sometimes, re-framing the conversation can make a difference. Blessings to you and your wife.
As for not being a burden,...there but for the grace of god....none of us wants to be or expects to be but the reality is none of us know what the future holds and we could be...burdensome.
There are many unanswered questions here...and it seems the issue is your mil has turned down hospice for your fil? Or do you think your mil needs hospice?
Are your parents still living? Would you like them to be cared for the way your wife is caring for her own parents? Would you care for them? Or would you expect your wife to do it?
It's stressful for all. Both of you clearly need some respite and should check in with your local Area Agency on Aging for Caregiver Support programs. The puppeteer here seems to be your mil, but for sure you are adding to your wife's stress by controlling how much time she provides them. And you are not cut out for the caregiver role. So accept that, but don't add to her stress.
The virus has only added to everyone's stress. If you can afford it, get someone hired to do your yard work. That being an outside activity it is less stressful. Getting in home help can be challenging especially letting a stranger(s) in while this COVID is out there.
You believe that I'm being selfish and I respect that. I understand it's hard to make a judgment with not much information. What I've done here does hurt me. It doesn't feel good at all. Thanks for your honest answer.
Is poor FIL getting some sort of psych meds for his agitation and hallucinations? If he is a bear at night, that probably indicates that he is sundowning. Is his doctor aware of that? Is the visiting nurse?
There are effective meds; he shouldnt be suffering like this.
Incontinence is a deal breaker for at home care for most of us. I wouldn't fault your SIL. Nor do I fault you.
It sounds even more as though MIL has developed Vascular Ddememntia, given your description of her passivity.
Does your wife know anything about dementia care? Does she watch Teepa Snow videos on tips for the management of dementia patients?
And finally, who holds POA, financial and medical for your in laws?
It sounds like there is terribly little information being shared in this family, even just between you and your wife.
In your shoes, I would find some source of mental health support to help you ask the right questions and get straight in your head what your role should be. Framing this for yourself as "selfish" isn't helpful. You are putting on your own oxygen mask.
It sounds to me as though there is a lot of blame, shame and silence around all of these issues. Please get yourself some support (maybe through VNS).
Folks often "Bible-thump" here. Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father or thy mother. I take that very seriously. I don't think that not wanting to see mom or dad's private parts is 'immature". I think it is fundamental to our natures.
One of the reasons my last marriage broke up was the stress of caring for a mother who only thought of herself. It was MY mother and my husband was on her side. I left, never looked back, I swore I would never remarry. My current husband talked me into it after dating about 12 years. We had 12 years of dating (didn't live together) and 18 years of great times before he got Alzheimer's.
When I was your age, I was still going to fires, That year I went to Alaska for a fire assignment. I was on the Riverside Mountain Rescue Unit and jumped out of Helicopters, When I was 53 I was part of a group that climbed Lost Arrow Spire in Yosemite National Park. Look it up. We figure we set a record because I was the oldest woman to do it. I will admit, I got hauled up part of the way.
Your wife is really in a "stressed position" and a counselor could help you when you need to vent - I wouldn't take her staying at her parents as a personal thing against you. Be careful, you are in a vulnerable position right now and it would be easy to find solace for your situation.
I would take it that my spouse had abandoned by bed and board. In most states, that's grounds for divorce.
I have no idea if that's what is in the OP's spouse's head. But certainly, from his description of her conversations with him, she's not looking at this situation rationally.
And just as a sidebar, her father is getting very sub-optimal care. She is negligent and willfully ignoring her parents' very real needs.