My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
How long and how much of this venting are you going to take? And not able or allowed to fix her problems? At some point, you might get fed up with hearing about her problems and her unwillingness to do anything to change them. I know I would.
Venting serves to help her release some stress so she can go right back to doing the same thing that causes her stress in the first place. It enables her to not have to make any changes.
Have you asked her before she starts venting if she just wants to vent or if she wants solutions?
There was a poster here last year with a similar problem. He and his wife live next door to her mother who is in fairly good health and is in her 90s. The wife practically lives to take care of her mother and checks out on her marriage. He has some health issues and is unsure how many years he has left. So, he tried every which way possible to convince her to give him some time, to go on vacations, to connect as husband and wife. She refused all offers. At the end, he decided he wasn't going to sit around and be miserable until he died. He booked travel trips and went away by himself to enjoy his retirement even though he wished his wife would join him.
I hope your situation would not turn out the same.
Maybe your wife has some emotional issues which are being triggered in this truly stressful time. Then she would benefit from speaking to a professional counselor. Maybe by phone at first, due to Covid conditions. She is not really acting in anyone’s best interest, from your description, as I see it. (Though a lengthy read by now.) Somethings have got to change. And yes, suggest she read on this site. There are many stories of caretakers who successfully assisted their elderly parents through illness and even death. But it’s never easy, and in my opinion it’s not something everyone is capable of doing. Get some help for everyone’s benefit. Best of luck to you !
Think about the things you could outsource to lighten your burden. Could you hire your yardwork done for the time being? Or, like me, is it a time to clear your mind and get exercise?
Like many other healthcare decisions, hospice can be tailored to the individual situation. The benefit for me is access to a health professional for advice, and resources 23/7. Several of the hospice benefits that would normally be available are not due to the pandemic, but there are still many things that are helpful.
For example, could your wife acquiese to allow a bath aide for her parents?
Hospice will bring in hospital beds, commode, and other equipment that can make caregiving for a person who is bedridden much easier.
I am taking care of my 90 year old mom with Lewy Body Dementia. Her hallucinations are sometimes amusing, but not when they go on and on for hours at a time and do not allow her to get good sleep. They are not always pleasant for her, and that is when they are not funny. Hospice has brought us medications that I can use my judgement when to administer to reset her brain for the time being. She is aware sometimes that the hallucinations are her "dreams", and she is not amused by them.
I hope you can encourage your wife to read some of the comments on this website. And furthermore, hope that the insights from others can help her see that there is nothing good or brave about ruining her health and your relationship going it alone.
Hoping that she will see the light soon, for all of your sakes.
She signed up for this to help her parents fight their battle with age & illness. She has no intention to quit or abandon.
It sounds like MIL is the commander here - her wishes are leading the way. Aging in place, refusal for Hospice & more outside help. MIL allows help from nurses on her terms only, from those she trusts - mainly family.
Did I read somewhere MIL had a recent STROKE? And was it Barb who suggested Vascular Dementia? A-ha.
I am not saying everyone who has survived a stroke has lost capacity, but it happens. And it can be subtle when still able to articulate well, not obvious to a visiting RN in an hour appointent when they are have tasks to complete. But 'executive functions' of planning & problem solving are out.
As Countrymouse pointed out - it's about getting the care they NEED. FIL may need Hospice, behaviour stragies regarding sundowners, meds review. MIL may need 24h care also.
MIL may see her role to protecting FIL from the outside world - but it can be *neglectful*.
If you use that very negative word to your wife, she may take offence & be insulted, that you are insinuating her care is inadequate. Sigh. By setting your own boundaries of what you will help with, she may label you selfish. Sigh again.
As a soldier who suspects their commander has a brain injury influencing their poor decisions, decisions that harm people on their own side - what to do? Report to a higher authority. (Stroke IS a brain injury).
Get 'the big guns in' is what you said. So try for that overlook by a Social Worker or Doctor. Frame it to your wife as *getting more help*. You know already they will suggest a LOT more in-home help or move into care. But she needs to hear it from someone with medical authority.
Your Wife will need to take command away from her Mother - that's the very thing she has been trained not to do. If she just can't do that, she will need to be given a new set of orders (like by Doctor/SW). You were spot on with 'the line in the sand'. Keep looking for the professional who will call it.
Until then, welcome to the WFTF club (waiting for the fall or any other crises that FORCES change: MIL next stroke, FIL chest infection, Covid).
I've been in this club for years. Welcome friend.
When my mom was in her mid 80s, she called up my sister in law and said "I need you to come take my checkbook and take over paying my bills, please". She called me and said "I need you to come to my house to refill my pill container once a week. And can I ask you to take me to doc appointments sometimes? I've decided to stop driving". (We all said "what a model mom! Decides this all on her own! Yay mom").
A couple of months go by. Mom has some incidents involving high bp, imbalanced electrolytes, has a couple of hospitalizations. All imaging and tests are fine, no strokes, etc. Returns home.
And then the phone calls start. Everyday there's a little emergency. We go, we fix, she weeps, we reassure. We get aides in. She can't figure out what to do with them. Won't let them use the washer, they'll break it, etc.
More phone calls...more emergencies. Take her to doc; she is already on anti anxiety meds. He adjusts, reassures. After several more days prescribed an antidepressant.
So what I recall best is that 3 days running, mom calls me and I have to leave work and drive pell mell from outer Brooklyn to Westchester. The third day was after she took one dose of zoloft and claimed it made her suicidal.
I sat her down and said "this can't go on". She had no idea what I was talking about she had totally normalized calling us up, sometimes in the middle of the night, and demanding our presence.
To make a long story short, we used the excuse of coming bad weather to get her into a facility. Where after 2 visits, the geriatrics doc sent her to a geriatric psychiatrist. Who after one visit insisted on a complete cognitive workup.
The result of that workup astounded us. Imaging showed that mom had had a stroke (? When, more than 3 months before was all they could tell) and extensive cognitive testing showed that she had very little reasoning ability, on the level of a six or 7 year old. They termed it "Mild Cognitive Impairment".
I'm a school psychologist and I didn't see the difference in her thinking skills, I'm embarrassed to say.
My long winded point is that a person can have a stroke and not have it diagnosed at the time. A person's reasoning abilities can be shot and you may not be able to tell. If you are used to obeying orders from your mom, you might just keep on keeping on.
Fortunately, my brothers and I all had mortgages to pay and jobs to be tended. No one in the family had the wherewithal to be at mom's beck and call. And we had seen our cousins' family sacrifice a family member to live in caregiving, giving up a career and private life. It didnt end well.
I just wanted to draw your attention to the fact that strokes can have an profound impact on a person without their being diagnosed.
Good luck!
Has tried insisted on shopping in 43 C (we stopped her). Tries to wear the same clothing for days/weeks/2 yrs really.
Have stage 3 stay at home restrictions kept her home everyday? No way.
Or maybe no one has shared that with his wife.
Hospice is not going to make THAT much difference; what this dear lady needs is a couple of caregivers to split the 24/7 care so that she can go home.
My mother was for the most part cooperative when we told her "now is the time to..." She would argue that dad told her never to move out of the house, never to pay "high rent" (if she knew that Independent living cost $5K per month....), but we were a united front.
Her Internist, who had known her for 30 years did NOT see the change. He said she was "fine". As I said, it only took the geriatrics doc two appoinments to figure out that something was seriously wrong. And the Geri Psych, bless her, got it it one visit.
IMO, Geriatric Psychiatrists (not just this specific one, we had a series of them over the years that mom was ill) are the most valuable member of your dementia team. The proper dosages of antianxiety and anti depressant meds made all the difference in the world in mom's quality of life. And no, she wasn't doped up and she didn't fall.
My brother INSISTED that mom was simply having a "pity party" and that she needed to think more positively. I was glad that my SIL dragged him to the post assessment meeting with the neuropsych team so that he could hear from the doctors just how badly mom's brain had deteriorated.
So, three things were key here:
1. our inability as family to provide ourselves what mom needed (we had jobs, needed sleep and were not prepared to give up either).
2. Our ability to work as a team; we didn't always agree, but we kept the disagreements out of mom's hearing. And she had a lifelong rule about not playing us off against each other, or even discussing us with one another.
3. Mom's basically cooperative nature. We were truly blessed by that.
That is a 911 call, not a family help call.
My mother had an episode in which she developed a blinding headache; she picked up her cellphone and recalled later that she had trouble remembering how to use it.
She punched in the autodial for my SIL's cell; mom said "come" when SIL answered. SIL called 911.
Mom's bp, as taken by the EMT's was 260/118 (I have that written down by my desk so that I know I'm never exaggerating it).
God only knows what might have happened if WE decided to show up instead of calling 911; I would have given her a tylenol.
Thank you all so much for giving me the confidence to hurt somebody enough to help them.
Happy dance!
a lot of people have a misconception about hospice and think they just want them to die. It’s not the case at all.
it’s a wonderful option to have a loved one rest peacefully at home and be treated at home.
No more stress of being taken to the hospital alone. It’s all done at home.
my father was in Rainbow Hospice for three years and I’m grateful it played out the way it did.
My Dad was only 77 and he passed peacefully with me during the night and it didn’t scare me at all.
I had a wonderful support team with hospice and I’m grateful.
Keep your head in the light and trust everything will be ok.
Bravery medal awarded to LH. For courage, keeping his head & being a great advocate for the whole team.
🎖️🎖️🎖️
Loyalty award to LH's Wife. For dedication in bucketfulls and grace to admit requesting backup is ok.
The battle may not be over, but they are stronger together. 👏👏
Or...when she started to take into account all the things she would not be able to do if she had to be there 24/7.
Also... the fact that she loves all the hot weather and sunshine that's right around the corner.
and... maybe she missed me a little. ??
I think she likes the dog more though. Haha
She also actually read the pamphlets that the VNA had left there listing services available.
Let's go with all of the above.
Just updating... Wife has been getting out on the warm afternoons and leaving her mother and father together. Presenting the cost of in home care helped my MIL to realize the value of the free care she'd become used to.
At this point we're leaving MIL in charge for a few hours. Now she is going to carry some responsibility, and hopefully learn how difficult and demanding care for a dementia patient that "just lays in bed all day" can be.
( Her words when people ask how he is doing)
Lets hope she see's the light, and eventually accepts the kindness of hospice for her husband.
Neither I, or my wife believe MIL is the best choice for FIL's care, but she doesn't want to pay for help. Yet.
One day at a time.
Keep it up. Encourage (temp/lure/seduce) your wife to stay away longer and longer, maybe even a whole day and eventually a whole weekend. MIL must be alone and in charge of FIL care long enough to experience the hardship herself to the point she can't handle it and has to agree to outside help.
Do you have a handle on their finances? It might help if you create a spreadsheet to show MIL how she can afford good care for FIL.
I will keep you all updated as we progress. My nightmare has become only a bad dream. I have something to look forward too now, and I'll no longer have to deal with being alone in that house of ancients.
LH, have you, your wife and MIL discussed her future living arrangement after FIL's passing? Your home should never be an option.
If you discuss it now, it WON'T be an unforeseen emergency when FIL passes.
Have you ever read Roz Chast's "Can't we talk about something more pleasant"? A totally instructive and very funny, heart-breaking book.
I understand that you are at your wits end, but you do have options. Right now you are really only speculating about your wifes siblings taking advantage of her. The truth may be that they think she wants to do what she is doing ( she may be giving them that impression by your story). Her parents may prefer her and secretly tell her that- ask her. The whole job may make her feel important. There are many reasons why people take on the job of caregiver and there are many reasons why others let them be. Family dynamics are often complicated but to confront her siblings you and she need to talk. I agree that if she refuses to talk to you then you need to put your foot down , but I suspect with the right words/support/ understanding you can draw her out and get some answers. If she refuses to get help from the siblings then I agree- let her do it all herself. She will have to cave in eventually.
We argued last night because for the second time this week she had planned to escape for a few hours, but her mom dictated differently.
It's so sad to see her getting run over by her mother in the name of obligation. I am the only one that she can actually talk to, but I become so upset I can't put my personal feelings aside and comfort her. Looks like I am going to be the one that speaks to her mother.
Your wife needs to take a few steps back and look at the long term consequences of running herself ragged playing step and fetch it for her demanding mother. You both are running the real risk of serious burnout, which can takes months, even years to recover from. In my own case I became ill with several immune issues, developed kidney disease and also developed severe dental issues, which doctor agreed was likely from all the stress, as I had no other markers for these issues.
There are other solutions. Hiring caregivers to come and help, getting her siblings to step in for a weekend or once a week, bringing in hospice for her father, etc. These are common sense ways to make your own well being an equal priority to that of your wife's parents. You desperately need to find ways to make this care giving situation livable for everyone.
Your wife needs help seeing the bigger picture, what life will look like down the road if both of you are burned out and ill. The financial costs alone can be tremendous, not to mention the loss of enjoyment to your own lives. Elderly people who are well cared for can live for decades. Many aging parents are now living well past 100 even if they are seriously ill or disabled. In some cases they have been in full time care for over 20 years. Happens more often than you might think.
Best of luck to you both. Please take good care of yourselves!!!
Is your wife seeing a therapist? She REALLY needs some help in getting past the F.O.G (fear, obligation and guilt).
Bravo to you for telling your mother in law that she can't be a bully. At least not to your wife.
She needs help for sure.
Her brother and sister in law visited yesterday, and they were both surprised to hear that my wife was on her own. Show's how connected they are with the situation.
You have said in the past (I think) that her brother(s) call in to check up, right? Has she made them aware of the fact that she's on her own? I think that might be on your wife, not on them for not delving in deeper; or at least, equal responsibility.
You've mentioned in the past something about her wanting to prove something to her siblings. Hence, perhaps, her reluctance to speak up. She sounds, all in all, like a terrified child, not like an adult.
She is very much in need to help. I hope you can get it for her. Can you enlist your children to help you with intervening with her?
LH- So you two argued. You took one position and your wife took another. What did she say exactly? What is her position in this? Seems like she is defending her obligation to her mother. Nothing will change if she's not on your side.