My wife moved in with her elderly parent’s late November 2019, and we are nearing May 2020.
My mother in law is 91 and can communicate normally, but she is a rather simple person. She can’t walk, and needs help with everything. Can’t make meals, bathe, get in and out of bed. I think she could do more for herself, but as long as my wife will do it…
My father in law is 94, and in the late stage of dementia. He is bed ridden. My wife has siblings but they are not helping other than calling and "checking in". The only way my wife can get out is if I sit with them. I am doing this for my wife, not my in-laws. I hate it. I am not mentally equipped to care for him the way I should, but I do.
My mother in law has refused hospice for reasons unknown to me. In my eyes, my father in law is suffering needlessly. She actually makes lite of his hallucinations, and confusion. Haha. My wife is abiding by her mother’s wishes, as she believes a daughter should, but it’s causing a horrible amount of stress that I feel she is internalizing. It’s been a strain on our relationship. Though our marriage is strong, and I don’t have fear of it dissolving, I feel strongly that we/she are being taken advantage of, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep my personal feelings hidden.
They have their end of life affairs in order, but dying at home is becoming a major issue. Throw in the Covid lockdown, and I feel a crushing amount of stress. I work 10 to 12 hours a day, take care of our home, and then relieve her at her parents as much as possible so she can get out. I’ve put a limit on the amount of time she can be away while I take over the care of them, and I feel guilty about it. Summer is approaching and we’ll add yard work to my list of things to do.
My mother in law has placed an undue amount of stress on my wife and I, yet my wife refuses to discuss my feelings with her mother or me for that matter. She feels she is doing the right thing. Am I selfish?
One thing I have learned from this experience is that I will never be a burden to my family.
Your wife won't do it, and so it's up to you to draw the line. She has been out of the house since November and there is no end in sight. As long as you continue to relieve your wife, nothing will change. That may sound harsh but you already are dreading summer and all the work that comes with it. If you stay quiet and do the yard word, nothing will change.
That said, now seems like the perfect time for you to sit down with your wife with a list of things *you* are willing to do and what *you* are not willing to do. And you have to stick to it. You have propped up your wife long enough and it's her turn to act like an adult with her mother. If her father is suffering then he deserves hospice.
It is unacceptable that your wife refuses to have a discussion with you about this. She is avoiding having to deal with her feelings and yours. Many on this forum, myself included, have had "the conversation" with our caregiving spouses.
Writing a letter is also a good way to start the conversation. Or, if the letter is angry, not sending it at least gets the feelings out.
And no, you are not selfish.
I have actually made the statement. Using the example of what if I get sick? What's the plan then? Who is my back-up ?
However, she is my wife, and I made a promise 30 years ago to the effect of, for better, or for worse. Leaving her hang feels wrong to me, but then again, the whole situation is wrong. I know in my heart that somehow, no matter how hard I try, I'll be the bad guy in the end.
I'll just add what I have decided to do. For now right, I'm doing what I can to keep myself mentally healthy. I talk and facetime with friends, share with friends, talk with hospice social worker and chaplain by phone once a week (this is for my cousin who is in MC that I also care for), do deep breathing techniques, do visualizing peaceful scene exercises, walk, watch good tv shows, watch inspiring music videos, work remotely to keep my finances sound, and plan my escape. Right now, it's difficult to arrange a change in living situations due to covid-19, however,, I know some who are doing it. You can explore it. It's just that the virus is very risky in long term care facilities right now. My prayer is that this will lift soon. Having a plan helps you feel more at peace, imo.
How does your wife feel about it? Will she agree to have them leave if she knows how strongly you feel? Does she feel guilted or something like that? Will she allow outside help to come in? From what I have read, it's very difficult for some people to stand up for themselves. They feel they must suffer, so the senior parent can have their last wishes or something like that. Does she realize that taking care of two seniors around the clock is really an monumental task for one person?
I hope you'll get more responses and ideas. It's a tough situation. I'm not sure what you meant in your thread title about the medical professionals drawing a line.......
"I'm not sure what you meant in your thread title about the medical professionals drawing a line......."
I meant that I'd think instead of prescribing antibiotics and treating my father-in-laws various infections, that a good doctor would say
" Hey folks, he is in the last stage of dementia, let's make him comfortable, because he's not going to get better.
As long as your wife allows herself to be used as a doormat, everyone (except you!) will be okay with it. Why is she allowing herself to be used this way? So what if her mother wanted to dump it all on your wife? Is your wife the only daughter? (Just wondering, because often we read on this forum that it's the expectation that the daughter needs to do it all.)
I fully understand your frustration.
I hope that the estate/trust isn't to be left to your wife and her siblings equally. Your wife should be paid for all the time she's put in. Better yet, your inlaws should be paying for in-home help or a facility.
As I mentioned to Sunny, it feels good just vent. My wife has three older sisters and a brother. One lives on the west coast, one is four hours away, and the local brother and sister have mental issues.
I always knew her family was odd, but the chickens are coming home to roost. I only pray that my wonderful wife can make it through life with out developing the her own issues.