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My 2 sisters and I had to make a tough decision. Both my parents have dementia and were living in their own home last summer. My father suffered a stoke at home and neither of my parents recognized what had happened. My father was at home a month in bed, unable to walk and in terrible condition, with my mom trying to care for him but not understanding the problem. Neither of them ever said anything was wrong but I sensed something was not right. My sisters and I each live away but I was nearer with only a six hour drive home. When I found them, I knew immediately that my father had to be hospitalized and would never come home again. The house was too big for my mother to care for and her dementia was getting worse. When my father was well enough to travel, I had him brought to an excellent facility 15 minutes from my home. I closed the home house and moved my mother to my home. This worked well until my mother perforated her colon in January of this year and did not "bounce back" as a result of the surgeries. In fact, she did not remember any of it, refused to eat, and started to plummet. I had placed her in the same facility as dad with the hopes she would be there short-term for rehabilitation but it has turned into long-term care. I work full time and have many obligations but I still manage to visit both of them 3-4 times a week, do their laundry and take them treats. They appear happy and receive good, round the clock care. I felt very guilty at first because I could not visit for hours every day. But I have come to the realization that I am only one person and can not do everything without sacrificing my own family and my life. I was one of those who criticized others for placing parents in nursing homes and never visiting enough. But I now walk in their shoes and fully understand the dilema we face. We can only insure that they are getting the very best care possible and assisst when and where we can. Unless one is in a position to quit his/her job to care full time and have the tolerance for it - it is best to place them in a home. I am still struggling with financing everything because that part was not in order and I will depend on Medicaid assistance in part. But knowing they are in good hands is the most important thing. We must not judge the decisons others make-walk a mile in their/our shoes and you understand. From Tess in TN
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I agree completely with Tess. Until you are in that situation, you don't fully l
know what you might have to do or the decisions you will have to make until you are in those shoes. I had always told my DH that if It was ever necessary that I would always be there if either of my parents ever needed me to be and that I would bring them to my home for care if it became necessary. When that time came, firstly for my father...he became physically violent and suspicious. It broke my heart that he had to be in a lock down facility and worse yet, that in his mind, I was responsible for doing that to him. But I could not let my mother take that blame in his mind and my mother was no longer safe to be at home alone with him and yes, I asked her. She would willingly have sacrificed herself for him. Two years after he passed away, my mother was diagnosed with age related dementia. Again, I tried to bring mom home but my mom needed to be watched 24 hours a day as she wanders although she is generally happy, I work full time and my husband could not deal with the changes in her (he has his own health issues now, diabetic, depression, neuropathy and high blood pressure). It was not a healthy environment for mom or my DH so we placed her in a memory care unit in a facility an hour away from me. Guilt is a big factor in many peoples decision and to be honest, my guilt factor is high as I would like to have been able to have the privilege of taking care of both of them but it was not possible for me. I wanted to move my mom closer to me when an opening came up but she settled in at this facility, is happy and adjusted in a way that would not be beneficial if I made the decision to move her again because it allows me to visit and do more with and for her. None of us the right to judge anothers decision to do what they feel they have to do in this situation. Be there, listen and try to be supportive. It is not right to add to their guilt in what we all know is already an extremely difficult situation.
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There are different ways to "take care" of our loved ones. Many times I have the the caretaker spouse (the one who one would think have the better health) die first from the stress of caretaking. Then what? I think we all need to think ahead.. we either die young or get old...I prefer to get old, but don't want my kids to suffer. Looking into long term care insurance...I am sure my children would visit, care for me, love me no matter where I am.
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Beri, tell us more about your mother. Are you having trouble taking care of her?
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I care for my mom in her own home, but we do know that could change. My personal belief is that facilities get a bad rap when in many cases it is not deserved. Homes play a key role when needed.

My mother in law for example, lived in our home for three years, long past the time when she even knew who we were. She became combative after three years, and began sleeping only 2 hours per day in a 24 hour time period. This behavior continued for two months, it was not a passing symptom. She went into a fantastic nursing home. We were no longer able to provide 24/7 care, and the combativeness made it a danger for all of us in our home.

She was happy there, so happy that we felt we had made the wrong decision in keeping her home with us. She lived 5 additional years, and the first three she walked the facility as if she were going to work, the combativeness ceased, and she slept only 2 hours per day. Her last two years were spent completely comatose. We have to admit when we are no longer capable of providing the best care..Personally, I have told my own children should I myself have Alzheimer's one day, to find a nice place for me to live, and come by with candy.
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I think that for many NH has not been in their experience growing up and there is a whole mindset that NH=Snake Pit and the fear of that image.

Both my grandmother's went into different NH and going to the facility to visit and doing the scheduled family activitiy days was just done and a part of my childhood. Where the NH ideal or nicer than their homes? No, but they were at the point of needing a higher level of care than living at home. The same was true for my DH and his grandmother. So I see the whole living in a NH as a part of the aging process. Not all NH are great or ideal but you have to do your homework to find the right one. Plus you can easily move them from NH to NH once they are on Medicaid, if the first one doesn't work out.

I do think that there is a whole largely unspoken issue of caregivers keeping mom or dad at home and beyond their caregiving abilities because they need mom/dad's SS & other income to live on. It's a terrible situation for all to be in and I really think is much more common that is realized. This is fundamentally a women's issue and the worth of caregiving by family is viewed by the state as given by love with no compensation by & large because it's "women's work". ( LOL with Caphardazz - excluded!).
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My friend's dad is in a supposedly very good and definitely very expensive nursing home. My mom is home and I take care of her. His dad has fallen many times, lost weight from hating the food and having trouble finding someone to help him eat, had many infections, been in an out out the hospital several times, and is generally in very poor health, though he wasn't going in. My mom has fallen only 3 times in ten years with no bad effects, eats likes several horses and has never been hospitalized, had no infections, and is generally in good health, though her mind has long since left us. She gets no strong drugs while his dad is on a plethora of prescriptions. I will keep my mom home.
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I think much of the mindset is ingrained in the adult children for years before the nursing home is even a remote option. I cannot tell you how many times I heard both my grandmothers tell their children and grandchildren to not ever, ever put them in a nursing home. I have found with my own family and others I have observed that there seems to often be a sense of entitlement (e.g. "I am too good for a nursing home," "my family owes me," "I can brag that my children are giving up their lives for me," etc). This isn't a conversation that happends quickly but is ingrained for years. My own grandfather swore the nursing home was coming any day starting when I was around 6 -- he passed away when I was 27. My grandma swore she would never make it past 50. She died at 91. She outlived my dad.
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