Is it mostly for financial reasons? Should we all work together to make sure elderly get good care in these facilities? I have told my children that should I become abusive to them or uncooperative in their efforts to help me as I age, they are to have me move to a facility because at present, in my right mind, I am convinced they deserve better than that. Would your parents want you to to suffer so much for them. I read a lot of suffering on this site.
Neither option is ideal (home care vs skilled nursing care) and each has it's own drawbacks and consequences. It's a family decision based upon many factors. But there are zealots out there who will scream their position from the rooftops and expect everyone else to believe the same way. And when someone has an opposing viewpoint they are attacked and ridiculed. In my opinion that says more about that person than it does about the person they're attacking.
I didn't join this website to insult or ridicule anyone, far be it for me to judge others. If I have a personal opinion about a touchy subject such as this I will usually choose to keep it to myself so as not to alienate anyone or insult anyone or their choices. But there are trolls on any website such as this and they sit in their dark little corners in their homes and dish out the poison they are too impotent to handle in their real life. So they attack strangers online and they get to feel smart and important. I think they're silly and their posts say more about them then they do about whatever they're writing about.
However, the main caregiver started getting wasted. I started Googling and found this wonderful place:) I negotiated with myself, with my husband, with God.
Finally, after 2 false starts in the wrong homes, I re-placed my Mother in care home of original owner. I tried. I gained weight. I cried. I tripped and fell from lack of sleep. My husband was 100% supportive of whatever I chose to do.
I knew they would not keep up her exercise, and her muscles atrophied. I knew she would not be entertained every waking moment. She was difficult, needy, blind, selfish, not interested in anything but her immediate needs.
Our problem was not money, but giving the most compassionate care to a difficult elder. I tried my best for her. I had to think of my own life and the example I was setting for my own kids. I have told them both and their partners: Never become a martyr to care for me when I need help. God willing, I will die in my sleep after a busy day of singing and gardening. I pray that. We just all do our best and try to figure it out. I processed a lot of crap from my family or origin by taking on my Mother--and my sister. Yay. Moving on. Mother is almost 96, minimal quality of physical life , who knows what is going on in her head. Devastating. Still trying my best. Waiting. Praying. Good question, food for thought. I advocate placement when possible, because each of us is EQUAL. No more sacrificial lambs. xo
But those who not only insist on keeping their own loved ones at home but also give sometimes heated advice that no one should "dump" their loved ones in a facility or "throw them away"? I can't speak for their reasons but by reading their posts I sense these things:
1) Religious beliefs
2) Guilt
3) A sincere and honest belief that home care is always best
4) An attitude of "If I can do it so can anyone."
5) A belief (perhaps based on limited or outdated experience) that all facilities are terrible places
6) Observation of a situation where a person was indeed "dumped" in a facility and abandoned.
7) A need to justify their own decisions
Such people are entitled to their opinions and to express them here. Whatever their reasons, I think they are wrong. I'm entitled to express that opinion, too.