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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Do believe that parents act that way mandy48 when they feel that they are losing control of their own life. JessieBelle is correct about you starting a new question.
I have a mom who is quite disabled and who moved 1,000 miles away for better climate. None of our family lives there. I expressed to her before she left that I would not be able to visit her there. I am not rich and her apartment is too small to have a guest (filled with medical equipment and helpers coming and going all day). So now she is very angry because she is in pain and no one comes to visit her. It would cost me $1,000 (I cannot afford it) to spend a 2-3 night visit. She yells at me when I call. I am far from retirement, have no property or partner, and am just barely keeping it together. The commentator who spoke about boundaries is absolutely correct. It is nice to help others, but it is foolish to sacrifice one's own personal welfare to try to meet the needs of a parent who has a never ending need for attention. She has a lot of help down there, but no family. I am not a martyr and I am not going to sacrifice everything I have to look after her. She is so angry I can barely have a conversation with her anymore. I have always tried to call and be empathetic. I cannot afford to travel there. She is just angry because she thought her whole family would visit her regularly. That is not within the economic capabilities of our family members. I suggested to her that she would not see her family if she moved so far away. She said "no one comes to see me anyway". So now she tries to send everyone on a different kind of guilt trip. "My kids never visit because they are selfish". No - your kids never visit beacause you live too far away and they cannot afford the money/time to do this. I always suggest to aging parents - stay near to where your loved ones live. If you move - that's on you. She knew what she was doing but expected family members to come anyway. It's not happening and she is angry. Every time I call her she yells and cries. I cannot do anything about this anymore.
Its so tough with aging parents. And even when the parents live close some adult children just don't make the time or don't want to depending on their relationship with their mom and dad. It is hard when they start to get angry and grumpy. But like another poster said, if you think about it, who can blame them? Their health is declining, they could be suffering mentally or physically or both, their losing their friends and family members...it all takes a toll. I tried to be patient with my dad but it was hard after his stroke.
Dear kidnumber 2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know what you mean. We all do the best we can and sometimes we just can't win.
This topic is seven years old, with a few more recent comments.
I want to respond to "Why do aging parents become so hostile and angry?"
Not all of them do! My father mellowed as he aged. My mother was a sweetie all her life. As a widow, with mobility issues, after she developed dementia, while she was in the nursing home -- in her entire life she did not become hostile or angry.
My husband (who was father to several adults) had bouts of anger over his dementia, but not that he took out on others. I don't think any of our 5 kids would ask, "why did dad become angry and hostile as he aged?" He just didn't.
I know that anger and hostility is a reality for many, many people. I'm just here to attest that it isn't a universal condition; that it isn't everybody. There are some good explanations on this thread of why it often occurs.
Those of us who have not had to deal with it can count ourselves very lucky -- and be very sympathetic for those who experience it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I expressed to her before she left that I would not be able to visit her there. I am not rich and her apartment is too small to have a guest (filled with medical equipment and helpers coming and going all day).
So now she is very angry because she is in pain and no one comes to visit her. It would cost me $1,000 (I cannot afford it) to spend a 2-3 night visit.
She yells at me when I call. I am far from retirement, have no property or partner, and am just barely keeping it together.
The commentator who spoke about boundaries is absolutely correct.
It is nice to help others, but it is foolish to sacrifice one's own personal welfare to try to meet the needs of a parent who has a never ending need for attention.
She has a lot of help down there, but no family. I am not a martyr and I am not going to sacrifice everything I have to look after her. She is so angry I can barely have a conversation with her anymore.
I have always tried to call and be empathetic. I cannot afford to travel there. She is just angry because she thought her whole family would visit her regularly. That is not within the economic capabilities of our family members. I suggested to her that she would not see her family if she moved so far away. She said "no one comes to see me anyway".
So now she tries to send everyone on a different kind of guilt trip. "My kids never visit because they are selfish".
No - your kids never visit beacause you live too far away and they cannot afford the money/time to do this.
I always suggest to aging parents - stay near to where your loved ones live. If you move - that's on you. She knew what she was doing but expected family members to come anyway.
It's not happening and she is angry.
Every time I call her she yells and cries.
I cannot do anything about this anymore.
Dear kidnumber 2, Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know what you mean. We all do the best we can and sometimes we just can't win.
I want to respond to "Why do aging parents become so hostile and angry?"
Not all of them do! My father mellowed as he aged. My mother was a sweetie all her life. As a widow, with mobility issues, after she developed dementia, while she was in the nursing home -- in her entire life she did not become hostile or angry.
My husband (who was father to several adults) had bouts of anger over his dementia, but not that he took out on others. I don't think any of our 5 kids would ask, "why did dad become angry and hostile as he aged?" He just didn't.
I know that anger and hostility is a reality for many, many people. I'm just here to attest that it isn't a universal condition; that it isn't everybody. There are some good explanations on this thread of why it often occurs.
Those of us who have not had to deal with it can count ourselves very lucky -- and be very sympathetic for those who experience it.