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Great thread, great comments from everyone. I want to touch on an issue that was mentioned earlier about care facilities. I've posted about this before but it bears repeating in this disscussion. My folks didn't want to talk about assited living. WELL BE JUST FINE....not. Their idea of nursing homes was basically the county poor farm where great great granny got stuck in 1940. Without their knowledge I had been checking ou all the facilities in their area. I took Mom to get her hair done one day (Whole other nightmare) and pulled up to a place I had checked out. I had called before hand and the staff were waiting and rolled out the red carpet. I told Mom we were visiting a lady she used to know, not true, but it got her in the door. She had no idea such wonderful places existed! THEY EVEN BRING MEALS TO YOUR ROOM?! I could have moved her in that day if it weren't for Dad and his dementia. So I've still got a hurdle to cross but I've layer some good track.
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....LAID some track..........friggin spell check.......
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I am glad you have received the message over and over: do not bring mom to your home. Your husband is your priority-not your mom. I would not rely on hiring help for mom in her house as she will refuse to let them in and say things like they cost too much or steal or she does not need them or....and you will be stressing over that. The idea of independent living is a good one especially if it has asst living also available. Forget the money for the kids when she dies-you need it now for her care and parents don't realize that they will outlive their savings anyway, so use it on good care for her now while she is still aware. She will not think it is good care, but you will know it is. Sometimes other residents talk about how thankful they are at their IL or AL and it might help your mom realize the same
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I am about to move my mom to a beautiful MC center. We have not yet told her, as she will turn it around into something like "theyre kicking me out of my home and i have nowhere to go" and will obsess about it until the time comes, making herself and everyone else miserable. It has been a tough decision but after bringing in caregivers for 4 years so she could live alone, it is time. We simply cannot justify letting her live alone after some of the episodes that have happened in the past 4ish months. I am battling the guilt but have to stand my ground when she asks if she can live w us. I love my mom but it would destroy my family life if she lived with us...my hubby and kids have to be my first priority. I am sooooo thankful for all of your posts... I will re-read them to give myself strength in the coming month for what i know will be a difficult change. Thanks for sharing.
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To one tough cookie, HELL NO don't have mom move into your house!!!! I would never consider this. My mom is in IL and dad in PC in the same city where my husband and I live and this I am resenting and wish we left them in MI instead of moving them here. So please DON'T move her in with you, your life WILL NOT ever be the same. Many hugs.
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Let's face it, ALF are basically a high priced resident furnished hotel 1or bedroom suites that include meals and some entertainment with social interaction with others of the same age bracket, and lots of extra benefits for a fee. Most residents can come and go as they please, if they have the means and the transportation. Some ALF's have memory care sections that offer more personal care for considerably more money.
However, if there are any medical or personal care issues, ALF's want no part of them. There is no profit there and nothing in the budget for the extra staff needed. My wife worked in them for years. Some are more lenient than others, but for the most part it all comes down to the money. Yes it is convenient if you are wealthy enough to afford it.
NH's are a necessary evil with full care services, if their family keeps on them. Most are traditionally under staffed. A select few try and do the best they can, with what they have to work with, but the residents will never get the care they would from a willing family member at home. Starting at $6000.00 a month, depending which State, very few amount of people can afford, which is where medicaid comes in. They will go back as far as 5 years for income and financial worth before that is even considered. Make sure to have an elder care attorney on speed dial, yes another unexpected cost. Good luck everyone.
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I checked on average pricing around me in Birmingham. AL facilities cost $36-50 a year and NHs cost 70-80K a year. Much depends on where the facility is and what is requested (or needed). I am sure one could pay more by choosing a more ritzy establishment, but prices like the ones I mentioned appear to be the norm for my area.
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Yes, she has to be willing to pay her own expenses. I don't charge Mom to live here but I don't think its wrong to charge to offset additional expenses some can't afford. I use Moms small pension for her personal needs. Her SS goes to maintaining her house that is up for sale. If she had the money, I would have her in AL. First because I live in a split level, stairs everywhere. Second, nothing to stimulate her. She didn't play games or do puzzles before the Dementia, she can't learn them now. She really needs one floor where she can walk around and sit in a common room and socialize. I have her in Adult care for now. She is on the fence about it but she goes. Doesn't like the bus, but goes. DH is willing to take her but its part of the cost. Gives us an extra hour and half to do what we want/need to do. I say this because I don't feel we should totally give up our lives for them. They become like children so at times you have to be firm and tell them no. They also start to get clingy. I hate being "watched" and someone being under my feet. You say she is leaving to her "children" so I assume there are siblings. Can they talk to your Mom and explain that her money is for her care and if she feels she is ready to give up her house than AL would be for her. Don't start out where u don't want her just that you feel she would enjoy an AL. Then if that works tell her that you are looking forward to traveling with your husband and that you would feel better knowing she was safe and secure. You know why they couldn't talk my Mom into an AL, because they were for old people. She was 87. If ur husband isn't for it, don't do it. No, my husband doesn't like our situation but he goes with the flow. I get overwhelmed. (Also oversee a physically disabled nephew living in Moms house for now) I think all the ideas are good.
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That was MIL thought AL was for old people.
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A lot of elderly remember the Assisted living/nursing homes from the depression era and later. If she is tired of cooking, cleaning, etc. remind her that they do all that for her. My dad didn't want to leave his house but I chose 3 places for him to look at and he got to pick the one he liked the best (that way he was in control). Another fear is that the food isn't any good. Most places will invite and encourage you to come eat lunch or dinner and see what it's like. Your mom might also be afraid if she goes into a home then she will be left there and no one will come and see her. I would pick 3 for her to look at, have lunch, have her choose, then reassure and reassure her that she will not be left. Under NO circumstance would I have her come live with you especially if she can afford it and YOUR HUSBAND doesn't want it. Thank goodness my in laws never wanted to be a burden to us (but that can be bad also when you have to find out she fell down some stairs and broke her leg from a friend who lived close by) or my parents didn't either. I will say my FIL was really scared of going into assisted living though until he saw how nice they were. He just remembered the old nursing homes. Good Luck and God Bless
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It's not about the financial help. It's not about the physical demands. It is about the emotional war and the hostage taking. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? Easy to tell you to "just say no"! I recently allowed my 95-year old Aunt to move in with me. Admittedly a big difference in age between her and your Mom, which brings me to my point. My aunt has nobody, no money and no options. And I still wish I had not taken her into my home. I still wish, after almost (only) a year, that I had considered if there were other options. Your Mom "doesn't want to be a burden", then why is she insistent on becoming one. It is hard to think of our loved ones as burdens, but, please, please, trust me, that is exactly what they become. My life is no longer my own and all because of obligation and guilt. Your Mom has all sorts of options and choices and as long as YOU are one of her choices she absolutely will not consider any of the others. She'll be mad and put a guilt-trip on you like none that you've ever experienced and probably be very passive/aggressive so get ready. But until you are willing and able to put yourself and your family first, you will never be able to so NO. I wish I had a husband. I guarantee you if I did and he did not want my Aunt to come live with us she would not be here. Good luck.
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Easy answer: They don't want to lose their independence.
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But really in an AL they have more freedom. Their meals are provided. Laundry done. They have freedom to walk around. Sit in a common room. Go on trips have activities. Beats sitting around the house and depending on other people for rides. I think the problem is they think its a nursing home like they had years ago.
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I am wondering whether you could write about WHY YOU FEEL OBLIGATED?
It is easy to see (as an outsider) that accepting her to move in with you would be a very bad idea. Husbands vote "no" should be accepted without forcing him to change his mind. And her personality style bodes ill for living with a daughter successfully. The third vote is also showing: your gut feeling that she tends to manipulate you into helping her with things she can do herself. That's plenty of votes! But, I remain intrigued about where these feeling of obligation come from in so many of us.
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I understand a lot of others have had bad relations or childhoods but as for me I had a wonderful relationship and childhood and just want the very best for my parents. In my case it's just me. Lost my sister almost 3 years ago. She couldn't help a whole lot but at least she would hear me out and back me up. There is NO reason for me to feel guilt because I have done nothing wrong and have done everything I could to make their lives the very best I could (mom is in alz/dem, dad is in retirement facility but lonely and depends on me). I can't speak to those that have had bad childhoods or bad relationships. As much energy and emotions as it takes just taking care of 2 people I love dearly I can only think I would do the best for a parent under any circumstance but if they were to fight me on ANYthing.....boy, the few times my dad has questioned me on something after all the work had been done, I can see where it would be easy to say "well then, YOU handle it!" and walk away. I'm rambling here. Guess it's been one of those days. But Kathy1951 posed a really good question. I love my parents dearly but boy....it wears you down and out and I pray that I don't do that to our son.
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Got me thinking...about why I would not want to go to assisted living. I am 64 with no current risk of that thank God. But REALLY?? I would never want that. The unfamiliar place, no privacy, loss of belongings, having to eat with other people in a dining room 3x per day, an uprooted sense of no home, activity I would never have liked such as bingo or bridge, no feeling of freedom to live without someone buggin me about how to do it. I really hope I die first. I am not kidding. It just looks like a terrible quality of life to me personally, one without meaning way too often, other than eating and continuing to be alive. One with folks lined up waiting to get worse and die. I will be fighting not to leave the real world and to keep doing something or other every day to the end. I want to still be part of the ordinary life of the world somehow, not segregated off into some apartment somewhere in which everyone has accepted the end. I don't want to hang out in an old people warehouse. Of course, other people don't see it this same way and I respect that, its just that I'll be one who won't go easily there. And I suspect if you ask others who are in my age group and have experience with ALs they have similar opinions. It would not be a nice holiday which would take the burden off me. It would be a last resort of necessity.
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Kathy I totally agree with you. I understand both sides of the story but I can understand perfectly why someone wouldn't want to be in "one of those places"
If there was any way I could of not placed my Mom in one I would of.

But honestly everytime I visited my Mom I felt sick to my stomach. All these elderly people lined up in the lobby like cattle going to feed. I know suicide is a sin but honestly if I ever get to the point where I can't take care of myself I'd consider it. I have no children and even if I did I wouldn't want to burden anyone so I pray I die in my sleep or get struck down with a massive heart attack before I end up in a nursing home. I don't care how nice it is.
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Why don't they want to go? I'll tell you why I don't want to go.

SMELLS. Noise all night long. Loud staff all night long. Televisions playing night and day, loud, especially if you have a roommate. On channels that you hate, like some drag racing or monster truck station. Or rap
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doubt she would even follow a written contract.
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Mom,
I love you, but cannot be responsible for you on a daily basis, luckily you have savings - please spend them on yourself. Either hiring at home help or in AL.
I need to focus on my own life and marriage and will always be there for you, I just cannot be there on an hourly, daily basis. I will visit you frequently and be in your life always.

Stay resolute - every queen deserves her castle - she is able to take care of herself - making you her maid servant is not right.
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Oh, so, I have been coming up with instructions for me kids: You can't move me for eating popcorn or hot dogs for dinner, you can't move me if I sleep in my clothes, you can't move me because I watch too much TV or need more socialization, etc etc etc because I was doing that BEFORE I got senile! (Not often, but sometimes....).
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NH's are depressing, but the better kept facilities deserve stars for what they do. The one my mother was in for respite care did not smell, I saw nothing disgusting out of the ordinary. The staff treated the residents with respect and cared for all of their needs. Most of the residents were wheelchair or bed ridden, but those that could get around did. I was depressed and impressed at the same time. It takes a special person to work there and keep it together. I couldn't, and mother has been with us for over 9 years. NH's are the last stop, but somebody has to do it. Better that compassionate people run them rather than money grubbers with no heart at all. Nursing home insurance, at least competent ones, are worth the money when the time comes.
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There are good nursing homes out there. You are right. I would go so far as to say the one my Mom was in was good too. But just having to put her there was hard nonetheless. I think any normal human being would probably say that if they had their way they wouldn't want to end up in one, nice or not.
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I really appreciate all of your comments and suggestions, especially those with differing views. I want to see the whole picture. I really do. Someone commented that my mother does not want AL because she would lose her independence. I agree that you definitely lose some of your independence there. However, if you are considering AL I assume you have lost some of that due to decline and health related issues anyway. Also, if she is wants to move in with me she would be losing her independence here too. I would become the parent and she the child in that case. This is my house, my kitchen, my furniture. She refuses to build on or remodel to have a space of her own. She wants to live in my house. My mom has directly stated that she is tired of being responsible and wants someone else to be responsible for her. So she doesn't want independence!!! Or so she thinks. I fear that once she is in my home, things will change dramatically. She is a woman that has always gotten her way. Always.
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Believe me, I think we all would like to avoid Assisted living and nursing homes. But we don't always have control of that. I think it's best to do some long term planning when you are well and relatively young. Move into a home or remodel so that you can easily age in place. Accept outside help from agencies that allow you some degree of independence. And if you eventually cannot stay at home, accept gracefully that you planned for all you could, were independent as long as you could be. Try to be a positive influence wherever you end up. My MIL has been " a fresh breath of life" to the other residents in her AL. Everyone loves her. She isn't happy to have lost her home and independence but she knows she needs so much help that it is the only feasible option. I never thought I'd say this but she is truly a wonderful example for me.
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Kathy, I'm 64 also however I have a little different take on it. I have a LOT of experience with Assisted Living facilities having taken care of both my in laws. My grandmother was in one until she passed away unexpectedly and boy, both of the places were wonderful. I think everyone must be talking about nursing homes and alz.facilities. even the nicest ones can be a bit depressing. But in AL facilities you still have your own room, you can come and go, do activities if you want to. They monitor your medications, your health, but you are not stuck in a hallway somewhere. Ok.....one other thing and I have said this many times before.....as our loves ones get older, as much experience I have had personally taking care of people, the older "I" get I will not be strong enough to lift someone up if they fall or to use the restroom. I DON'T want to help them go to the restroom and by the way I have done that with my dad and both of us were embarrassed by it. The nurses and aides are trained to do all sorts of things that I'm not. I just pray that I can afford to go to AL. I sure don't want our son to have to worry about me staying in my home. 3 meals a day, they clean for you. With a house, taxes, yard people, cleaning people. If something breaks you have to come up with money for that. Ok, I'm getting way off track here. I just hope I sit down in a chair watching my favorite program and head off to the Promised Land and don't have to worry with it. That's how my husbands grandmother went. Not this long #%&! journey of alz. that my mom is on. UGH....
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Pargirl: Thats a cool answer because indeed there are things I would want to be sending myself (or my husband) to an AL for. Not being able to lift him up and not being able to get adequate help to do that would be one. Another would be when I don't recognize people. And just feeling too alone and wanting to make the move or not being able find a way to take care of the house, that might work too...where I would want relocate. And I would never want my kids to take on the job of taking care of us. I don't want my kids changing my diaper or giving me baths. And for sure, I don't want to go on the long journey of ALZ.
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Hope to God I don't go down those roads either Kathy. I'm afraid it runs in the family but I'm hoping that my mom is the last one. :))
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I believe that disease and age related decline put people in assisted living NOT their children. I have asked my children to allow me to age in place. I will cooperate with them for outside assistance and modifications to my home as long as I can. If the time comes that I cannot stay at home, I have requested that they find me a quality AL facility (if I haven't already done so myself). It's wrong to place blame on people when it is the disease that robs us of our independence.
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Good answer onetoughcookie. Just hope and pray that i have the brain cells left to make good decisions. Even if I write a contract or something for my son, that doesn't mean I will believe that I wrote it if I have dem/alz. Hope those brain cells stay put until I can make the right decisions for myself.
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