If they have the money to pay and they say they don't want to be a burden? My mom wants to live with me. She has the money for assisted living but refuses. She wants to leave the money to her children but won't use any of he money to help pay for her care. Some people have said she doesn't want to go to assisted living because she would lose her independence but she will lose that if she lives with me. She will be dependent on me. That's not independent. She doesn't have any significant health issues. She is still mobile without any canes or walkers. When she comes to stay with me she refuses to do anything for herself. Even bathing herself, combing her hair and taking her meds. She does these things for herself in her home but when she visits me she hands me the comb and says "comb my hair for me". I am going trying to decide whether to take her into our home. My husband does not want to. I feel obligated but I don't think I am ready for this level of care. Any advice would be appreciated. Especially from any seniors out there.
Now they're in indy living and they love it. And trust me, it was difficult enough getting them to move because they were in complete denial like your mom.
Your primary responsibility is to your husband, not your mother. Your husband understood that his primary responsibility was to you, not his mother, when she wanted to move in with you. You should read as many posts on this forum as possible before you knowingly and willingly put your marriage in jeopardy.
It sounds like you need to establish boundaries with your mother. Good luck!
In my experience, it is fine for parents to be able to determine how and where they want to live. But it is not fine for they and their decisions to dictate and control how WE live. Practice saying "it's not possible for me to do that" -
She needs compassion but also workup, a diagnosis and a proper placement.
The way your mother acts when she's visiting you is a very bad sign of how she would act if she lived with you. My mother was the same way when she visited us as a guest - she expected to be waited on hand and foot. She combed her own hair and took her own meds - even my Mom is not that much of a princess. But lift a dishtowel? Help with a meal? Chip in for expenses? Forget about it.
The issue isn't really independence. It's control. Yes, she would be dependent on you if she lived with you, but she doesn't see it that way. She would be in complete control of you. In assisted living, they are not going to organize every detail of every day, including activities, outings, meals, etc. according to her whims and preferences, but she will expect that of you if she lives in your home. That's why she wants to be there instead of assisted living.
Her refusal to pay for help when she can afford it is another huge red flag. Saying that's what family is for -yikes! What she's saying is that she views you as a beast of burden, as someone whose rightful place in the world is as an unpaid servant to her every wish and whim. The thought of bringing someone with that attitude into my house - forget about it.
And then there's your husband. Of course he doesn't want her moving in - he wants your primary focus to be on him, not your mother. His needs have to be considered too - it's his home after all. Please don't feel that you have to bring your mother into your home. It will wreck your marriage and your life.
You need to remember that your mother cannot "make" you do anything. She can fuss, demand, throw tantrums, bad mouth you to the neighbors and relatives. But you are an adult. You make you own choices. You CAN say "no, mom, you can't move in with me. It wouldn't be what's best for you"
"I'm sorry you don't want to spend money on your own care Mom. I'm not sure what you're saving it for. Didn't you save for a rainy day? Well, it's pouring outside, time to figure out the best living situation for you. " No, mom, I can't stay home from work to care for you. Sorry but the world has changed and everyone has to earn a living and save for their own retirement . Did you see this IL brochure that came in the mail today?"
I no longer try to figure out my parents or try to change their thinking. I also have learned that treating my parents with love and kindness and helping in ways that make sense all around is what makes me a good daughter. It has nothing to do with catering to their desires above my own well being.
Do what makes sense and don't get badgered into anything that doesn't.
Some of the places offer free lunch to visitors and since your Mom pitches money [mine sure do], a free lunch would appeal to her. Don't tell her where you are going, just pop in, who knows maybe there might be someone there she remembers from the past and that might change her mind :)
My husband does not want to. I feel obligated but I don't think I am ready for this level of care.
When she comes to stay with me she refuses to do anything for herself.
But most times she is uncooperative, unpleasant, and negative.
"To thine ownself be true"! Don't feel guilty! You have had some great advice here. If you are not ready....listen to your wise inner self!
And believe me, it gets worse. What sunnygirl wrote is so true. It is best to move her to a place that will work than to move her in with you, then have to move her out later.
I would explain to her that it's not something that would be in her best interest and you want her to have the best care. Perhaps you could explore other options and compare the costs with her. (In home care vs. assisted living.) If she sees around the clock inhome care, she might reconsider assisted living.
I would take note that when seniors make odd decisions and have odd behavior, it could be early dementia signs.
Before we knew my cousin had dementia, she would request that things be done for her for no apparent reason. She wanted to be bathed, when she was able to bathe herself. She wanted to stay in bed and use bathroom in diapers, rather than get up to use toilet. We thought she was lazy, but no. It was dementia. She seemed okay, but her behavior was saying otherwise. I'd keep that in mind.
My parents never asked me if they could live with me, and if they did I would use the excuse I am too old to be their caregivers. And if they argued that fact, I would ask them how many times have they see a Nurse/Aide at the hospital who was in her late 60's? Very very rarely, and there is a reason why, we just don't have that kind of energy to do all the work that is involved. And at home I couldn't hit any emergency alarm to bring in other nurses/aids/orderlies to help me. And as they got older and they were declining, well, so was I.
I even told my parents they would have MORE control and MORE freedom being in independent living. They still dug in their heels.
Why does she need to go to Assisted Living? What is it she can't do at home for herself? If she's still in good health, look into Independent Living facilities. These are senior residential places, often with several meals a day provided. No loss of independence.
"Mom, I don't think that us living together is a good idea at all. If you are going to keep your skills, you need to be in a place where you can do things for yourself. I'm afraid if you lived here, we'd end up taking your independence away"