Why do grown children ignore their parents?

It's the natural order of things, I think. Children grow up, start their own lives, create their own families, focus their energy on the next generation, and the next. Is there any species in which the grown children stay behind to devote themselves to the generation before them? I don't know of any.

Sometimes you reap what you sew. My parents once hopped in the car at night and drove an hour to support my sis when her firstborn had the croup and she was worried and stressed. On the other hand her inlaws often visited another relative who lives on the same street and never came over to see their grandkids.

My hubs finally had "words " with his Dad... if you keep one kid in the dark don't expect him to provide all the light! Nuff said!

Often the parents are a nuisance.

My therapist recommended (or rather strongly advised) to not see my mother.
Ten years later, after not speaking to her (and she hardly noticed), she came to me for a place to stay.

It depends on whose eyes are regarding the situation. To an outsider, it may appear as you describe. But to the grown child who actually knows the situation, going low contact or no contact may be a necessary action to protect oneself from a toxic on-going relationship.

A variety of reasons. Probably the most common one is that you did a good job raising independent hard working children that have responsibilities.

Parents didn't use to live until their 90's and 100's.

Raising children is hard. Each generation needs to be able to focus on this difficult task, or the species would die out! I think that is part of the evolutionary process. Each generation is responsible for the next. Humans have a long period of dependence!

That seldom means (in humans) that there is no contact or warm feelings or continued caring both ways. Certainly not all children consider their parents a nuisance. During their own child-rearing years (a couple of decades or more if they have several children) they may consider attention to a parent more than they have energy for.

Look at the many, many members here who are caring for an elderly parent with love, with patience (more or less), and with sacrifice. They may be frustrated but they aren't ignoring their parent.

And there are also plenty of individual cases where the relationship is toxic.

It all depends on the parents Some parents were not all that great to their children, forcing their kids to establish boundaries to guard their hearts and feelings, and other parents (like mine), were incredible parents, who gave us unconditional love and respect, and it was a pleasure to serve them and spend time with them, as we became adults, they became our peers, with us all continuing to want to see that all of their needs were met, because we Loved them so very much, they were deserving of our devotion. One must look into your own heart to determine what kind of parent you are, and are you deserving of their Love and respect.

I believe female elephants are one species that care for the elder moms and aunts.

But they live in herds, don't they? What happens to the male elephants?

I thought about elephants (as a possible exception) when I typed my post. That's a good question about the males - is it sort of a hit and run situation? I'm not sure the younger generation are caring for the elder moms and aunts - it's more that all generations of females together are taking care of the babies. I'm not sure anyone stays behind with elders if they can't keep up with the herd, and the herds move constantly in search of water and greenery. I know they mourn their dead, but sticking around to care for elderly or disabled - I'm not sure about that but I doubt it.

Another question to ask might be "Why do parents drive their grown children away?"

Because, long gone are the days of 65 retirement of golfing and traveling. People are having to work into their seventies to live in today's economy. Longevity has put a strain on the american way of life. Elderly care is becoming more expensive as vultures look to profit off the aging population. Family dynamics have changed immensely since the 1960's. I could keep on going. There is no one answer and very few solutions.

I don't know about anyone else, but when I was growing up we were a little on the poor side and my Moma was a little rough on me. She thought that all girls (just like all other Moms that had little girls in the 50's) should be in the kitchen learning how to cook and then the rest of the time learning how to clean up the house, ironing sheets and pillow cases, learning how to crochet--which I did at 13 and still do!! But on Sundays I wanted to hang out with my daddy and watch football. I felt like that was my time with him and besides I liked football. I didn't want to be in the kitchen all day cooking and washing dishes missing football and my time with daddy. So I asked Moma one day why we couldn't start cooking Sunday dinner on Saturday. We always liked left overs really good anyway. So we did compromise during football season and cook on Saturday for Sunday. That way all we had to do was put it in the oven and heat it up and make the biscuits. Everybody was happy and it didn't take as long to do the dishes.
Later on in life, daddy passed away with a sudden heart attack 2 weeks to the day after their 50th Anniversary. I had a very loving family. Growing up, watch my parents hug and kiss each other, and my Aunt and Uncles doing the same. I was a very Blessed little girl growing up. (Except having to wash all of those dishes ;) Later on in my grown up life, I was Blessed even more when I was able to take care of my sweet Moma in her last days. She had Alzheimer's and I wasn't about to put her in a Nursing home, or Assisted living home or anywhere else. As long as I had breath in my body, and strength in my soul, she was going to stay at home where she recognized everything. Over the years, I had 7 back surgeries and I had developed COPD. I wasn't in the best of shape, but I had God on my side and I knew He wouldn't fail us. So I moved in with her. The hardest thing was watching her and seeing her go through the different stages. It broke my heart. But at least at home she was eating my cooking, and if she was in a Nursing Home, she wouldn't be eating at all. I took care of her, bathed her, washed her hair, rolled it, we danced in her early stages, we sang, we crocheted in her early stages, cooked for her, I did anything that she wanted me to do. She had 5 siblings to pass away within a year of each other of Alzheimer's right before Moma passed away. Moma stopped eating on Dec. 23rd 2009 and passed away on Dec. 26th 2009 while I was holding her hand talking to her. She was so peaceful when the Angels came and took her to Our Awesome God. I miss her so much.
And to answer your question, ''Why do grown children ignore their parents''? Lord I wish I knew so we could patent it and put it in a bottle. They always seem to have an excuse. I know times have changed. But if they would keep their own children from getting on all of these games, (which to me aren't anything but mechanical babysitters) and on the computer, and put a good book in their hands, make them go outside and learn how to play good wholesome games, the parents might see a difference in their children. I tell my daughter this all the time. One of her sons is bored to pieces. He wants to know what he can do. He tries to play basketball, but he gets bored playing that by himself after a while. Boredom leads children to do all kinds of things that parents don't want to talk about or face.
I'm so Thankful that I was close to my parents. They were strict, and when they (Moma) said something she meant it. Daddy wasn't quiet as bad. I knew that I was loved very much and that my parents loved each other very much. My big brother was 4 years older than I was and he was a big bully. Beating on me all the time when I became a teen-ager. Then I learned how to fight back and he left me alone. We had a lot of good times together especially with trains.
Love your family with all of your heart regardless of the situation. Life is way too short to worry about the little things. You never know what might happen tomorrow.

Babydoll62 - it is nice you had your time with mom. My husband and i work full time and have a child. His parents are always expecting us to fly across country, pay for the ticket, and do stuff they don't want to pay for - gutters, fall yard work, window washing etc. They don't want to pay for it so they expect it to be our issue. They refuse to move to a single story senior residence - they have stairs all over and limited mobility. At various times they have expected us to quit busy careers, sell our house, yank our son out of school and move across country to live with them to take care of them. Are we selfish for saying "NO"? Unfortunately - elder care wishes and demands often are more than the children can handle - are we abandoning them when we suggest they expand their options and look to pay $20 for the neighbor kid to rake? Also - neither my husband nor I can afford to quit our jobs - so staying home full time taking care of elders is just not possible - are we being selfish? Glad things were so rosy for you - but not everyone is local, can quit work.

There are two sides to every story. It may be that the child is very busy, barely have time for their own lives, let alone the life of their parent. Parents should not expect children to read their minds and hearts. Both parties are adults. Communicate like adults.
My in-laws are lovely people that lived only 5 minutes away for many years. However, they never made an effort at meaningful contact with my children when they were little. They only saw the grandkids at family events that we orchestrated. They now wonder why the grandkids don’t come see them.
You must be honest and offer times and invite your child to come share a meal. They cannot know that you feel ignored if you are simply waiting for them to notice.

That’s a pretty generalized statement. Not all grown children ignore their parents. I’ve known people who take care of parents and even in-laws in their own homes and basically give up their lives for these people, even if the people treat them like dirt.

On the other hand, speaking from experience, I know that sometimes the elders who treat and have treated their children poorly wind up, in their advanced years, more or less cast aside by their children when the kids get old enough to move out and on. Since we haven’t been a part of these kid’s lives, it’s not for us to judge them for not being the model caregiving child. I guess it might be partly revenge for years of mistreatment and partly a sense of freedom and independence from someone who quite possibly made their kid’s lives miserable and still are.

There are justifiable reasons to break ties with parents.. but there is also the scenario of the children moving away from the parent for selfish reasons.

My situation for example, my siblings were a big part of my parent's lives when things were good and my parents were actually there for them. They visited, sent cards, called, shared vacations.. they cared and my parents cared for them. (or so it seems)

Now that things aren't so good and my parents aren't in a position to reciprocate their gestures.. my siblings have dropped them from their lives. They no longer call on holidays, no more cards, no more visits.. they no longer exist to them. Even the smallest gesture would mean so much now.

They have not been asked to give up their lives for them ... just the small gestures that would mean so much have been dropped.. basically they don't exist to them anymore.

In my mind, I can't imagine completely dropping out of your parents lives when they had a good relationship with them before. So sad.. how do they justify it?

KatieKay, we all hear, and way to often here on the AC forum,  of this "Complete Relationship Breakdown" such as yours (my husband's too) and I cannot wrap my head around it, where kids just turning their back on their parent's, who come from seemingly normal childhoods? I'm sorry you and your parents have been let down by them! I don't get it, it saddens me, and puts such an incredible burden on you, the one who did bother to stick around. Perhaps there were other factors at play. Were they spoiled throughout lives by your parents or new spouses, did drugs or alcohol issues come into play? Was there mental illness or personality disorders, making it so stressful that they had to set boundaries or walk away? Were there jealousy issues at play between siblings or other strained inter-relationships between them and you, where your parents took sides, Huge success that went to their heads?  New spouse, their families (push me/pull you), kids, jobs, relocation, divorce?  IDK, I'm grasping at straws, but I am Sorry for you and others who have to go it alone, where throughout your life, you had always thought that this would be a responsibility shared between you, it's unfortunate. Life is Hard! As the spouse in a Dysfunctional Family situation, where my husband (like you) was the one who ended up taking on all of the parental old age responsibilities, it is super hard to understand, as often the dynamics run deep and are difficult to explain even . Take Care.

Family dynamics are so complicated. But, yes, you often "reap what you sow". Families who are loving and giving and supportive can still have one or more members who simply cannot face the illnesses of parents, perhaps because it forces them to confront their own mortality. Sometimes there are real or perceived wrongs that drive family members away. And families rarely live in close proximity to each other. I am a full time caregiver for my husband with rapidly progressing dementia. It is my second marriage and two of his three adult children are very attentive, while the third, with his wife and adult daughter are only around for getting birthday gifts and dessert and gifts at Christmas. They have their own separate lives with the wife's family who strongly disapprove of divorce. It saddens me that their relationship is so shallow, and I know this son loves his dad, but the ties are much stronger to his in-laws, so we accept it. The support from his other son and daughter does help. His daughter is a a social worker/home planner at a hospital and wants us to move closer to her, which is our plan for next year.  As for my three kiddos, one son lives with us which is helpful for planning because his work schedule is flexible. He is divorced and we have nice weekend visitations with his four year old daughter. My other son has a demanding full time job and joint custody of two wonderful teenaged daughters. They live an hour and a half away and they, too, have their own lives. We rarely see them, but there is much love there. My daughter lives across the country in New York, but is a tremendous emotional support. I know that this is a long long answer, but I write it because though there is love, there is also a tremendous sense of isolation and loneliness and a deep feeling of hopelessness. It is important to get involved with a resource support group. There are grants available for respite care. It's not a lot, but it can help. I wish you moments of peace.

There are those on this forum who have actually given up paid employment, moved across the country, neglected their own families and their physical and mental heath in order to provide care for their parents; to me it doesn't matter whether this is done because of love and devotion or because of pathological enmeshment, it is wrong to completely give up your life in order to serve the needs of another (especially when there are often other options available). I was able to be a hands on caregiver because I had no career and no family commitments, and I can visit my mother daily because I have failed to move on to establish a life for myself since she has had to be in the NH. So there are those who give too much, and those who never even give a thought... each end of the spectrum equally dysfunctional.

I think a key word is seemingly. People don't owe others an account of their abuse, so very often we don't know why they have severed or limited contact. There maybe other factors, including mental illness, that cause a break. There may be physical or cognitive limitations on the adult child. It might be possible from for someone to care for a parent while undergoing seven surgeries themselves, but an adult with CP or SP or MD, who is unable to stand or feed themselves, can not, through love and willpower suddenly gain the abilities to do so. My younger daughter will herself, need adult supervision through out her life. Much as we wants to care for me, she will not suddenly be able to balance a check book, pay bills, drive me to doctors' appointments, know when there is a medical crisis. I certain don't consider that being unable to prove care, FOR ANY REASON, should be considered as rejection ones parents. And I may be in the minority her, but I'd rather seen my mother in a skilled nursing facility (if the time ever comes) that suffering because I don't have the training to prove care for her. Some people here seem to equate anything other than home care as dumping and abandoning their parent or other loved one. My mother and I cared for my father at home until we could no long turn him, even working together. (My mother was 80 with bad arthritis; I was having PT because of damaging my back lifting wheelchairs--his and my daughter's--in and out of cars.) At that point, we just dumped into hospice--my mother stayed with him 24 seven, until he died 13 days later, and did what nursing care she could for him. I was there when my daughters weren't in school, and after a week, when it wasn't visiting hours at the psychiatric facility where my older daughter was in-patient after a psychotic break in which she was planning to fly (by flapping her arms) to New York where she would live with some people she hadn't yet met -- people who didn't exist--who were waiting to be her friends and take care of her). I admire people who by will power and love are able to these things, while the weak and unloving among us just dump our parents and walk away.

I think this is a good place to once again recommend the book "Being Mortal."

Each family dynamic is different. Some have the financial means to quit their job and care for their loving parent. Or if still working, siblings take turns and offer respite to the primary caregiver. In our case, our 86 year old mother has NPD with Dementia and has always been demanding and treated us as her servants. She has assigned POA - both medical and financial to my eldest brother and a sister, and she makes their life hell. She is sneaky, hateful, and slants her stories according to which sibling she is talking to which results in miscommunication and hurt feelings. She is by no means neglected. We all jump through hoops for her. However, she is jealous if we socialize, take a short weekend trip, go visit friends, etc. To top that off, she has BULLIED my youngest brother - who has the most caring and gentle heart of all - to live with her and help her pay her bills. He has never married and has been enmeshed with her his entire adult life. She wants to call the shots and tell us what to do, yet she can hardly walk, gets confused easily, and has no sense of direction. Her doctor told her she could no longer drive and she told him, "Well I can still drive to the hairdresser!" We are tired of the battle and praying for the day she goes to Assisted Living/Nursing Home.

Ignoring elderly parents is not necessarily a bad thing. If, for example, your parents ignored you, were verbally or ohysically abusive to you, or were rude, hostile, self-serving or a pain in the keister, you, too would avoid them like the plague. Instead of judging the adult children you know, you should have spent the past 50-60 years in their shoes first. I guess I'm basically saying, you probably don't have a clue what the adult child has already put up with. Ignoring my parents and my Mother-in-law were for self-preservation. It was the only smart thing to do! An adult child can only be insulted, harassed, spat on or hit so many times. 

To partially answer your question Staceyb, yes i believe my siblings were spoiled by them. My parents were always trying to help out in my sibs lives...loaning money, babysitting grandkids, helping out where they could. Perhaps they only saw the relationship one sided...what they can do for them.

Once the dynamic changed when they were the ones that needed to give (even a little)...cant deal. Possibly their "love" for them was indeed conditional.

(Im commenting on my scenario only)

One thing you learn in an alcoholic family is Never Talk About Home Life Outside the Home. It's actually a family rule.

So most people have no idea what really went on in my home. People think my mother is such a sweet old lady, but they have no idea she is really a demagorgon.  I'm here, doing this, but I don't blame my brother at all for staying away. 

I think in the parent/child relationship, it's NOT a child's job to be attentive to the parent. It's the child's job to develop life skills and use those skills to become a productive and independent person. Once being an adult, the child will likely continue focusing forward on their own life. I don't think any adult child will be around a parent very often unless they are needy financially or emotionally. I don't know what you think "ignoring" is, but if an adult child calls once or twice a week, visits on occasion and remembers your birthday and special occasions I think it's OK.