Sorry in advance for this read. I have cared for my grandmother for the last 15 years. Why? Because my parents (both deceased) taught us the morals of “look after your elders”etc. My issue is there’s looking after your elders and then there’s being mentally abused by them taking advantage of your kindness… Her husband was also in a nursing home when she was normal and because I saw how he deteriorated, I promised her I wouldn’t put her in one, not knowing she would be such an unappreciated *******. Oh she’s Italian if that helps…
The last 4 years, more so the last 2 as I believe my Nan is near death (stage 7), I’ve been verbally and physically assaulted by her from hit in the head with cups until I’ve bled (trying to give her meds), walker bashed into my legs/knees, stabbed with scissors etc, all because I was told that cliche line as a kid of looking after your elders. I have an older sibling who is more judgemental, so I’ve hidden what I go through from him my entire life. My Nan has a daughter whom lives abroad but hasn’t spoken to her in 3 years as she’s a gold digger but that’s another story, so I’m what’s left.
I constantly hate myself for caring for someone I hate. My Nan in her early years growing up was narcissistic, selfish, took but didn’t give etc, and she’s the reason why my mum is no longer here and she drove her child to move abroad as she smothered everyone (still does, just me) for her needs and cares about nobody else. I’ve grown to hate her for how she stuffed up this whole family and call me cruel, I’m glad she is on the way out as it’s like Karma, but she has won with who she took away beforehand.
Doctors excuse “it’s all dementia” and I hate hearing that as theirs her nature and dementia side. She is more an ******* than demented but nobody listens even doctors. I live it 24/7, they don’t. I’ve showed them video footage of her violence, and they always say “oh this is a first I’ve seen”. Even her own doc said she shouldn’t be alive as her BP was 80/40, has other health issues etc, and has now been in hospital 8 times in 8 weeks. Even nurses ring to ask me to go babysit her so they can do their job, so she’s even too much for hospital nurses. She has an aged care package (home care) to even have staff quit on her because she’s too much, but with certain ones she puts on a facade where they see her as a “sweet old lady” compared to what I see daily which isn’t close.
So my question is, is there anyone who resents a family member as much as I do and feels like they have to keep giving because of a cliche taught to them from a kid, and have you ever made a promise you wish you could take back as my break, I get only 10 hours a week out of 168 of them to myself…
Your answers are;
1. Promise:
"I promised her I wouldn’t put her in one" ie NH
2. Taught:
"look after your elders” by parents
Neither are bad. Family helping family is key to families survival throughout history, right?
But I ask: do these concepts have to be so ALL or NOTHING?
Do they mean YOU alone must keep her out of a NH? That YOU alone provide all the caregiving with your own two hands?
I don't think you need to break your promise or ignore your values - just open up. Open up to non-family help as an addition. Get creative with solutions!
In home: hire an Italian speaking aide for care duties.. or a student learning Italian just for company.. allowing you some free time.
In Care: look for a Care Home with other Italian speakers. Where I live they are no longer called *Nursing Homes* but Residential Accommodation, Aged Care Facility or any other such name dreamt up.. Sure, it's kind of the same idea but not actually called a *Nursing Home*..
I doubt the NAME really matters, it's the concept I know. (Glorious Golden Sunsets or whatever may still BE a nursing home...)
But if you are looking for a way out of your promise, it's an idea.
So think about it.
What is really holding you prisoner as caregiver?
Your own thoughts - are powerful things. Can change your life.
I also don't believe in living your entire life according to some 'cliche' you heard when you were a child and are now feeling obliged to abide by. You say you hate your grandmother, so how are you doing her a favor by caring for her at home? I'm sure your hatred bleeds through your caregiving and it winds up to be a lose/lose scenario for both of you. Nobody wins when there is so much resentment at play in a relationship. I can tell you that b/c I grew up in a home where my grandmother lived with us, my mother's mother, and they fought like DOGS b/c my mother hated her. Yet she felt 'obligated' to house the woman due to 'old world rules' that wound up ruining MY childhood entirely. I grew up with a stomachache & moved out at 17 years old, into an abusive relationship, just to get OUT of the crazy-house I lived in. Only to move into a worse situation than I'd left. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and often lead to serious consequences.
It's time for you to ditch the 'cliche' and get grandma placed into managed care now. To move on with your own life and get rid of this resentment which is eating you up like acid. You should not tolerate being treated like garbage and being abused by someone who is supposed to love you. That's what I decided when I moved in with an abusive man: that I deserved more out of life, and not to be punched in the face by someone who was supposed to love me. He was an alcoholic, that was his excuse. While your grandmother has a valid excuse, dementia, it still doesn't mean you should stand there like a punching bag & take that abuse b/c of some 'cliche' you heard years ago.
When we make promises not to 'put a loved one in a nursing home', it doesn't take into account what their medical conditions are going to be 10 or 20 years down the road. It's easy to say TODAY we won't place someone in a nursing home, yet down the road, all bets are off when all hell breaks loose and their heads are turning around in 360 degree circles on their necks and they're spewing pea soup out of their mouths. Then it's time to review the situation and make the appropriate changes.
Now is that time for YOU.
Forget about old promises and make some new ones now: that you will treat yourself like a precious child of God, with love & respect, and demand that others do the same. I left my abusive b/f in the middle of the night with the clothes on my back & my dog & cat. And never looked back. I deserved more out of life and so do you.
I was taught many wrong things in my childhood by self-serving people, I grew up, I formed my own opinions, my own way, unburdened by the past. That is a transition that one needs to make into adulthood, we become our parents, grandparents equals.
Don't take her back from the hospital, the state will find a new home for her. Let your past brain washing go, start living your life before it's too late, my mother is 97 and still going strong and she is a real "B" on wheels!