I was my brother's caregiver and companion for 15 years. I was the only one who visited and took care of him until I had to place him in a nursing home. That is an event in itself, but not why I am writing.
My brother passed on October 2, 2021. I know he was afraid to die. I told him for years I will always be with him. I wasn't when he died and I can't get over the pain of him dying alone.
How do you shed the guilt of not fulfilling a promise? I did see him that day and now know I shouldn't have left to go home. The nurse needed to do some work on him which takes over an hour - so I went home...and got the call at 1:30am.
25 years ago my Dad made sure I was gone, I had a vacation planned with my husband, he told me to go home, go on my trip and bring him something back. The doctor cleared him, he was making a good recovery and he would have been discharged in a few days. I did not want to leave, but I was coming back in 3 months for their 50th anniversary. He made sure my Mom was gone too and asked my Sister if we were home, then he passed away suddenly. In 2020 my Mom only had weeks to live when they found a mass, she had no symptoms until it was too late. She told me she was afraid to die alone, but she was a devout Christian and she prayed for a peaceful death. For weeks she kept seeing her deceased family. Then she kept seeing my Dad and I would say go with him, he came to take you with him. With Covid lockdowns I had minimal help from Hospice, but when she was starting to be unresponsive on a Monday, I begged them to take her and miraculously a room opened. She woke a few times and hugged me that day, then went into a deep sleep. On Tuesday I played her favorite music and I could see little facial expressions that she was so pleased. I left the room for an hour, I whispered in Mom’s ear, if a beautiful angle comes for you, go with her, I will be fine, you will be in my heart forever. I said It is too painful for me to be with you when the angel comes. I was in the car talking to my Sister who could not travel because of Covid and I asked her to leave a message on my phone to encourage Mom to go and I would put it to her ear. When I walked back into Hospice the nurse told me she had passed just 10 minutes ago. she was already gone when my Sister was talking about saying goodbye.
I felt such relief because I did not have the strength to be there. I believe the angel came for her, so I have peace now because she was not alone. I did feel guilty for being selfish, but I know I did the best to care for her and love her while she was living for 22 years.
She was not alone or afraid because she would have waited a little longer. Nobody can tell you simply not to feel guilty, it may help you to tell your Brother you are sorry whenever the guilty feelings come. Grief counseling or reading books on grief were helpful to me. Prayers for your healing!
Despite our good intentions, making promises to our LO often backfires. “I'll be with you to the end”, or “I'll never place you in a nursing home”, are some promises we make without knowing what the future holds. Then when we can't honor that promise, guilt sets in.
I was called at 3 AM one morning by the hospice nurse who said my wife's breathing was erratic and that she only hours to live. My family spent 13 hours at her bedside. Through our tears we all said our goodbyes. At 6 PM, we left. Her breathing had improved. I wanted to be with my wife when she took her last breath, but it wasn't to be. She died one Sunday morning when I was at church. I didn't promise her that I'd be at her side, but I did tell myself that I would.
There are many books, websites, and videos on grief and overcoming the loss of a LO. “Resilient Grieving” by Lucy Hone, is one. You had no control over the timing of your brother's death. He may have died alone, but you were there when he needed your care, your companionship, your comfort.
One day, I was spelling mom off, and Gma told me she wanted to go, but mom was there chattering all day, and she appreciated the love that went into that-but that gpa (who had died about 36 years prior) kept coming to get her and she was never alone.
I told mom to take Sunday morning off and give herself a good night's sleep. Gma passed while mom was gone. Mom felt horrible, but I know that's what Gma wanted and what she got.
That 'promise' is one that we should NEVER require of our LO's. It's impossible to plan and unfair to the ones left behind.
A few days later, he passed away in his sleep. He was ready to leave. I was the only one he told. Nor was this the first time people have spoken to me like that. It's ok. When they're ready, it's time to go.
Unfortunatly, it's the Hollywood treatment of death that has so skewed how we see it now. At least in the context of the real world experiences and to have the very romantic, everyone gathered around, profound Shakesperean speeches, golden lighting, perfect makeup, to me, is insulting. That nonsense should not be in any film, just don't bother, it then leads to the angst of imperfection during extrodinarily difficult events, like death.
I honestly think she did not want her kids to see her die. They'd watched their father (her husband) die from cancer 25 years ago. She never said it, but I believe she felt she was doing best for them by going alone. And I think a lot of people do the same. We may not understand it, but accept it is their choice and be grateful they went on their own terms.
Many times a person/a soul chooses to depart the earth when their loved one is NOT present. When my dad was dying, his vital signs were normal for the longest time, yet he was semi-comatose and it didn't make sense. The hospice nurse told me that oftentimes, a person wants to be alone when they pass, to spare the family the agony of watching them take their last breath (as a person DOES have some say in when their final moment will be) She recommended that we all leave my dad's room at the ALF to give him some privacy, so that's what we did. I gathered everyone up and told them we were going out for dinner. Everyone left the room; I poked my head back inside and HEARD my father's breath change at that moment; he had begun his transition the moment we'd left the room! He wound up passing at 1:30 am, same as your brother, when my mother was asleep in the other room and nobody was there to witness him taking his final breath. I had a very strong feeling that's how he wanted it, so I stayed home waiting for the phone call. It came at 1 am; the nurse called to say dad was declining and to get down to the ALF if I wanted to say my goodbyes, but I didn't make it in time. I firmly believe he didn't want me to 'make it in time', same as your brother didn't want YOU to be there either.
Accept that your brother's wishes were honored and that he passed on HIS timetable. You have nothing to feel guilty about; the matter was out of your hands the entire time. I am so sorry for your loss and grief. Wishing you peace at this difficult time.
Guilt is self-imposed. You went over and above for your brother. You "were" there for him. Would you have been there at 1:30 in the morning? Seems to me he went peacefully in his sleep. Can't ask for more.
And I can tell you from personal experience that our loved ones never truly die alone, as their loved ones who have gone on before them are there waiting for them along with God as well.
About 2 weeks before my husband died he was having many conversations with people in the room that I could not see, but he could. It brought me comfort to know that there would be others to welcome him home when the time came.
And even though I was sleeping right next to my husband on the couch when he died in the early hours of the morning, I know that he knew that I loved him and took great care of him in his final months and in our 26 year marriage, and that there were many awaiting his arrival.
So my hope and prayer for you is that you can find some peace in the knowledge that your brother was NOT alone when he left this world for the next, and that he left this world the way he saw fit.
God bless you.
You cannot EVER be held to a promise that you cannot be sure to keep.
Sometimes when death is imminent, the dying seem to “choose” to leave us for their own reasons.
In your situation, I would have done EXACTLY what you did, because I would know that I was being by my brother and by the Angels who were coming from him.
You loved him dearly and did everything you possibly could do. You loved and cherished him.
Please be at Peace, as he is. You are suffering the grief of his loss.
I felt the same thing and the Hospice Nurse told me that they see this all the time. A person will have family all around them and they will "wait" until they are either by themselves or with a non family member to die.
The nurse told me that death is a very personal thing and some will wait until family is gone so that they can "spare" them. Or they will wait until a non family member is there for the same reason.
I think everyone is "afraid" to die. Or at least afraid of the effects their death will have on loved ones.
You will also read of people that talked of seeing dead family members, friends prior to their death sometimes weeks or months before the death. So it is possible that while you were not there other family members or friends were and comforted him.
This probably does not comfort you because you still feel the pain of his death.
When I was caring for my Husband particularly the last month and definitely the last few weeks I was feeling incredibly sad and shed a lot of tears. Then it struck me that the tears that I had were for ME. I was the one that was going to lose him even though I had lost him years ago. I would not be fair to want him to not die, he was not the loving, smiling man I had met 30+ years before. The man in the bed was a shell.
I am sure you did everything you could and he wanted to spare you.
I am sorry for your loss, your heartache. Please do not let it take a place in your heart or mind. Remember your brother the way he would want to be remembered.
🙏😢((hugs))