I'm his caregiver, he has been sick for 14 years. What is the right way of doing the normal everyday things in life, such as putting clean clothes in dresser drawer he put in a bag. He doesn't eat my cooking, he prefers tv dinners, microwavable snacks, will not do hygiene at all, and when I remind him in elementary phrases he gets really abusive and gets in my face, pointing his index finger in my face, and begins to argue with me, saying to me u go wash ur behind (private parts in derogatory words), opening the bathroom door with force and continues to talk ugly. Just last night he was calling me derogatory words (EX: the B word, kiss my A, im a JackAss, im sick, u need to see a doctor B, get the F out of my face sorry A B). He is in denial that he is sick and that he could still do things as if he wasn't sick. Which he can't, for instance giving himself his meds, drive, when I take him to grocery store I tell him to get what he needs, and he gets frustrated in the store cause he can't find what he wants even though I show him the right isle to go down. Its getting to the point he is wanting to and has hit me, and if this continues I may place him in a state ran mental hospital because im at the end of my rope. One more last thing he put feces on the bathroom wall last night 6-6-14 Friday. Suggestions please fellow caregivers
You really will have to get alternative placement or a LOT of medical and caregiving help, for either of you to be safe. Physical abuse and smearing poop cross the line. Is there a comprehensive geriatric evaluation place near you? You can call and at let get referrals to the right people to get the ball rolling even if he would not physically go in for an evaluation.
I agree with GardenArtist, have a chat with the police about the situation. If the police picks up your husband, you wouldn't want him back home the next day out of safety concerns for yourself, so you need to know what steps the police and you will need to take. That might be the only way your husband can be placed in a facility.
Don't feel guilty about turning your husband over to someone else to take care of him.... 14 years is a very long time to care for someone where you see they are not getting better.... you've have done more than your fair share caring for him. In the mean time, let him put his clothes in a bag, feed him TV dinners, and don't mention hygiene at all. Next time he puts feces on the bathroom wall, don't clean it up. This way you can see if he is doing things just to get negative attention. If he still picks fights to a point of fear, then it is time to call the police.
Knowing what causes it is not going to cure it, unfortunately. Do you think that you would be able to get him to move into a facility? If you can't, you may want to talk to someone at your county's Human Services department to see what they can do to help you. I don't know if it would be better to contact someone in services for the elderly or for mental health. They will know, though. It sounds like you may need some help with him.
IF it continues??? You know it will. Frankly I wouldn't have tolerated it this long, but I do know it's hard when you're trying to take care of someone and feel responsible for them.
Regardless of what his medical problems are, you're not safe with him, nor should you even consider tolerating that kind of behavior any more.
Document what he's done, then call the police, explain the situation and ask them to remove him. Emphasize that he's hit you and explain that you fear for your safety (which you should).
Perhaps they'll take him to a psychiatric facility, but regardless where, he needs to be away from you.
There's probably some strong element of dementia, but that doesn't mean you need to tolerate his verbal abuse.
Has he been like this during your entire married life or has his behavior changed since you've had to take care of him? Is he on any medications to control his behavior?