Why has my 93-year-old grandfather become obsessed with my 10-year-old son?

It is possible your 93 year old father has dementia or the beginning stages of it. He doesn’t know his boundaries. Have you thought about putting him into an assisted living or nursing home? They often have a lot of social activities for the elderly and he may be able to meet some friends there. Do you have an aide that may be able to keep your father occupied for a few hours? If it’s starting to have an impact on yours sons well being then you have to look at some other options.

It's time for grandpa to live elsewhere. Not to be rude, or mean, but HE has had his life, and now your son needs to have his. It must be terrifying to have gpa yelling at him all day. As adults, it would be awful--imagine if you were only 10? Ihave 4-10 yo grandkids and not one of them could handle this dynamic.

Gpa can't control himself and you're asking a lot for your son to live with constant stress. It will not end well, sorry to say.

When my FIL needed FT care, not in his home, my DH offered to have him live with us. Without consulting me.

We still had 2 single daughters living at home and while they loved their Gpa dearly, having him in the house 24/7 would have ended any hope of a good relationship. Both (one was only 15) said they would move out if we moved Gpa in. Also the fact that my DH traveled 75% of the time and I was already running out to Gpa's house 3 times a day to care for him. Having him in my home would have been a marriage breaker.

No, gpa won't 'get' why he can't live with you. Dementia is horrible. You can't reason with him, nor guide him to better behavior.

I think you know you need to place gpa and put your son first.

OP has not responded since June 7.

If this is grandpas house, it’s unfair to kick him out to more easily live in his domicile. If op is in fact living under his roof with a 10 yo, it may simply be time to leave the family home if there are other adults to care for grandpa.

If he’s in your house, you can always use the infestation fiblet for starters. The house can’t be lived in for now, so for now he’s going to a senior hotel. Seriously, once they’re in care, it lifts so much of the burden.

Either way, if your 10 yo lets on half of what you’ve said here to any mandated reporter, it’s possible you could get a visit. Not from aps, from cps.

I don't know a whole lot about Dementia and or Alzheimer's as I've only been a 'Caregiver' to my 98 year old Mother for just under a year. But, like living with & trying to understand an alcoholic which I've had to do. If you are not walking in their shoes you just can't grasp what happens when the Mind does not get the blood flow to the brain to keep it functioning normally.
My Mom say over and over, Well, I don't remember that.
Which to her means ----- It flat dab didn't happen or I'd remember it.
Now do yourself a favor and try ---- TRY, and this is just for your own frustration levels, not to use Reason and Logic to a mind that does not function like yours does cause it just going to confuse and frustrate you. Next month he may obsess over the dog or cat. --------- For the sake of your own peace of mind LET IT GO. He's in his own little world and they know him there.

If he ask the same question 5 times in a 15 minute period just answer it as cheerfully as possible each time and MOVE ON. He doesn't know he's ask it before or he would not ask again.

Just FYI, if he ask a question AGAIN that you just don't want to get into again, simply say, Dad, wait just a few minutes I need to go to the bathroom. Ten minutes later 30/70 chance he will not remember. Yesterday, Friday Morning I had some bills that needed attention & a stop at the back was on the morning schedule. But Mom, trying to figure out when all this started ask me a question and wanted to sit down and discuss some things. Mom, love to do that later in the day I need to take care of a few thing first. Oh, NO, now she's upset that I won't take time for something as she puts it ----- is much more important that what you are doing. Mom, I'm sure it is very important to you and I'll be happy to sit when I get back but I need to do this running around before it gets 105 outside. I'll be back in two hours. I said no more, ignored everything she said after that gave her a kiss and be back shortly and left. She's giving me that LOOK all the way to the car. Came back two hours later and she'd forgotten the whole thing including getting upset.

It was not always this way. I tried to understand. I wanted the relationship to function the way it always had with Mom. I know what to expect. I knew what lines not to cross. Well, guess what? That relationship is no longer there and never will be again. --------- Suck it up Big Guy and get use to it.
It's a new dawn, a new life you me ..... And I'm feeling Goooood.
I'm not dealing with my wise old 98 year old Mother any longer. I'm dealing with a 98 year old Mind that does not grasp reality. That does not understand what is happening to her. So please don't try and continue the relationship like it's been all your life. You'll be a whole lot less frustrating day to day and hour to hours if you adjust your thinking a little. You have to for your Dad doesn't have the ability to do so anymore. -------- Don't take anything CONDECENDING ATTACKING OR RUDE TO BE PERSONAL. It's just the way it is now. So adjust for he can't.
--------------HAVE A GOOD DAY.

You are in a very difficult situation and have difficult decisions to make. You must protect your son. It's not easy placing a loved one in a home. We had to do that with our grandfather. He became dangerous to himself and others. He'd go out and sit on the front porch with a butcher knife wearing nothing, but his hat, yelling at kids to stay away from his house. He was always concerned that someone would break into his home. Grandpa had to be moved, there was no other choice. Just be sure the home you choose is safe. Do a lot a research and visit often. My grandpa had numerous "falls out of bed." His last injuries were very severe. Please go through A Place for Mom.

My suggestion is memory care placement for grandpa. It is simply not right to continue to allow the child to be exposed to this level of emotional stress. I am sorry you and your family are experiencing this.

Leftleftneff: Perhaps your grandfather needs to reside in a managed care facility.

Sounds like Grandpa needs to move. Your young son is your priority and this kind of stress is too much for a ten year old. He has no peace or privacy in his own house.
Waking him during the night is unacceptable.

Take grandpa to his primary and get him medicated and buy time to find where he can be moved.

Not sure how your house is set up but son needs a lock on door & maybe a baby gate at the end of the hallway. Some kind of barrier to keep grandpa away but he does need medication even a low dose to help.

I am sorry for your situation. I am going through a similar situation with my elderly Aunt. Her dementia has been hyper fixated on starting fights with my 14 year old and obsessively scolding my dogs. This forum of people really opened my eyes. Sometimes we are so used to the people we love that we get foggy to the dysfunction and seriousness of the situation. I thought about my daughter sitting in therapy someday discussing why I wouldn’t protect her and let her have a normal life. My aunt is moving into MC 6/30.

This sounds pretty normal for dementia. I’m sure Grampa has no way to sort out what’s happening. I have found that writing notes to someone with dementia is futile because they can’t remember to look at the notes even if they are right in front of them. Sounds like it’s time to find a place for him because it’s become unmanageable for you.

Sounds like grandpa is ready for memory care and needs professional assistance in getting placed, please call the senior care specialist here or "A Place for Mom" - ask where they recommend and ask for a referral to a Social Worker. Your children will have better memories of him if they just visit him, rather than live with him. You might enjoy the peace and quiet, too.

A Neurologist would be the best doctor to evaluate him. He would test him for dementia.

It could be that he does have dementia and is most comfortable with people your son’s age… but you can’t be sure… so you have to find out.

The immediate cure would be to put a lock on your son’s door - on the inside. That way, he can lock GreatGrandpa out. That’s not a permanent solution, but it will give him peace of mind and show him that he has top priority.

If you put all of your Grandpa’s antics together, does it present a picture of a normal person? If not, testing has to be done first- then the living situation may need to change.

Ask his doctor for a sedative to give him before his appointment. Have him transported by ambulance if need be, by he absolutely must be seen by a specialist- someone who specializes in dementia, not his general practitioner.

I think Grandpa thinks he is the same age as grandson and relies on grandson for security by emulating grandson's behaviors and what to do next. Severe autism is so like dementia, if the grandson had a brother with Autism how would the family protect their son? I wish dementia would make the person small so others would see them as a child with disabilities not a demented old codger.

Pre-dementia my husband didn’t dislike children but he had no special interest in them at all, but after Alzheimer hit he, exactly like his mom (who, on-the-other hand always loved children), became overly focused on everyone’s children. 

Again like his mother, who was loving but practiced old school respect of space, would, post dementia, go over to every stranger that was pushing a baby carriage or stroller, or parent’s walking with a toddler (and kids up to about 12 years), to tell them that they had the most sweetest, most precious and most beautiful child he’s ever seen. 

Sadly and embarrassingly, some of loving parents knew better and especially those young adults would rear back their heads and think this old geez is playing mischief and they weren't too happy.

Post dementia my husband, again like his mother, would additionally approach dog walkers and give them the same business whether the dog was on it’s last leg, unkempt and downright ugly or prize winners.

He also goes up to young couples and tells them how wonderful they look. And if they’re walking with family he’d stop them, point his index finger up to indicate that he has something of great importance to tell them and then compliments the bjeezus out of ‘em.

Most people respond with a big thank you. Some folks recognize that he’s a little off and are understanding. Maybe they have experienced this with their family. 

Sometimes, I wave my hand slightly to catch their attention, and while trying to convey sympathy with my eyes, I put my finger to the center of my lips and then touch my temple. Very often I get a smiling wink and a nod in return. All’s good.

He is captivated by children and animals. He loves the animal planet network on TV.

Sadly, while waiting in a queue with children happily milling nearby, I’ve had to say to him - “If you see an adult man, staring at a little boy/girl, how does that look?” He is stunned and replies that I’m right and corrects himself, and I can see his heartbreak. He becomes sad, he physically droops, is shorter and suddenly ages. While he looks at kids they are a tonic to him. He brightens.

I always, always keep an eye out. It’s hurtful to me because I know that he can only relate as a child. It’s hurtful to me that for everyone's sake I have to cautiously regard my sweetheart in an unpleasant way because of unknown possibilities. I’m not a mind reader so I’m constantly in state of awareness when children are nearby. He’s alway respectful but too happy with children.

It’s disturbing, but I very fortunately witnessed this exact behavior with my husband’s mom, otherwise I’d be very creeped out. 

I believe it’s an overwhelming compulsion that is trigger by viewing the uncomplicated, the safe, the unpretentiousness of children and animals. This vision produces a serotonin dopamine sunshine cocktail. They love the world. And I stay vigilant.

I know about, and have viewed caregiver's instructional video's of dementia patient going through the second adolescence. It's not funny, can be simply super annoying and it can be dangerous. I also know that with some, in their very clouded way they are deeply yearning for that time when there was nothing bad in the world and there are holidays, and pizza, and no cares.

Your grandfather’s behavior is on hyperdrive, and it is very disturbing to you, an adult who has had time to develop resilience, defenses and understanding which ONLY comes from years of experiences.
How can a boy who has not had time at all to become resilient, or to learn how to process such stress, deal with this way-to disturbing environment, especially if his protector, his teacher, his mom is perhaps herself burned out and mismanaging.

There are only two opponents in the ring, your home, that I'm concerned about. Who do you think is going to be damaged.

Your grandfather sounds like he may have dementia. You never said if he's your father's father or your mom's. Why aren't one of them taking care of him? I think it's time to consider putting him in a memory impairment home. He'd get proper care there since staff are trained to deal with this sort of thing.
At 93 he most likely doesn't have much time left. wouldn't be better for all of you, especially your grandfather, to have him in a place where he might be more comfortable and have around-the-clock care and you and your family can breathe better during the day, and sleep better at night knowing he's safe cared for and watched over?

Hope it all works out for all of you. Good Luck.

Colleen P. Pell.

I definitely agree that you need to find a solution that makes your son feel safe. If it’s dementia related, most likely this is just one behavior now, but he will develop more. I’m sure it making it hard for everyone to live with him.
I noticed as my moms dementia got worse, she’s obsessed with kids. She always points them out or tries to talk to them in the store. Not in a creepy way-she just thinks they are so cute and wants to interact with them. I try to explain that she is a stranger, she can’t go up to them and talk to them or play with them. I noticed she calls the other residents at her memory care “kids”. When I bring her something she says “I can’t wait to show the other kids”-meaning the other residents in her facility. I’m not sure if this is normal, if regression is part of her dementia. That she sees the kids as equals, and sees herself as a kid. I would definitely see a doctor to ask if medication can help. And making the decision for memory care was such a hard one, but I feel like it has helped my mom a lot. She is very social with the other residents, and hopefully the caregivers there have experience dealing with all of the weird problems I never imagined when I first started taking care of her.
So sorry to hear this, it must be hard for everyone involved. But you def must make sure your son feels safe in his own home-above all else.

I hope to God this isn’t the case, but as an incest survivor myself, I’ve read a lot about this topic. What I discovered, is that someone who may have displayed covert/overt sexual behavior towards children, could begin acting out sexual impulses, that they now have zero control over once dementia kicks in. Either way, I wouldn’t take the risk and if he is obsessed with your son, I would do everything you can to protect your child. If he won’t go to a psychiatrist or doctor, call social services and have them come to the house. They will get him the help he needs.

Your grandfather is having obsessive thoughts. Time to get him to see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. It is probably time to make new plans.
It is very stressful, and distressing for your son. You are not stalked in your own home. You are not walked in on, over and over.
You are allowing this to continue. Why? Your poor son has no privacy. Feels unsafe in every room. Even if he locked the door, it is still not going to stop.
And then you are yelling at the grandfather on top of it. A big scene. More distressing, more stress. This has to stop. It's abusive.
MOM you need to protect your son FIRST. You are not!
Time to find solutions. Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist. Get him on some meds. If there is nothing that can help, its time for a new address for grandpa. It is not time for the sin to be sacrificed to grandpa's obsession.
Your son deserves to feel safe in his own home. You are not the one being hunted down and harassed non stop.
You need to do something. The son shouldn't have to tolerate this. You are not being a good mom to him. And you are not getting the grandfather the help he needs. It is distressing for him as well. You need to address this situation immediately!!! Stop sacrificing your son.

This is very creepy. I would get grandpa out of the house asap. And in the meantime put a lock on your sons door.

Your grandfather is having obsessive thoughts. Time to get him to see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. It is probably time to make new plans.
It is very stressful, and distressing for your son. You are not stalked in your own home. You are not walked in on, over and over.
You are allowing this to continue. Your poor son has no privacy. Feels unsafe in every room. Even if he locked the door, it is still not going to stop.
And then you are yelling at the grandfather on top of it. A big scene. More distressing, more stress. This has to stop. It's abusive.
MOM you need to protect your son. You are not!
Time to find solutions. Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist. Get him on some meds. If there is nothing that can help, its time for a new address for grandpa.
Your son deserves to feel safe in his own home. He shouldn't be sacrificed for the grandfather. You are not the one being hunted down and harassed non stop.
You need to do something. The son shouldn't have to tolerate this. You are not being a good mom to him. And you are not getting the grandfather the help he needs. It is distressing for him as well. You need to address this situation immediately!!!

Bad behavior. Verbally abusive to you. Threatening to your kids. The question isn't what's wrong with Grandpa - what's wrong in your home that you let this continue? If you don't address that, it will get worse. Grandpa's behavior might be medically controllable, but from what you say he is medically non-compliant. That means he isn't fixable. It's AL time, ASAP.

Just in case this is your situation - any promises made to take care of him forever are officially null and void the minute your kids are threatened. Case closed, door locked, Grandpa out.

Sounds like grandpa has dementia and some thought process loops that are hard to break. You can try keeping grandpa's focus on other activities and divert his attention when he goes to check on grandson(again and again). Talk to his doctor about medications that might help. Last resort might be moving grandpa into assisted living.

I agree fully with others' suggestions here. Protect your son and make sure he is safe in your home. Additionally, as we know UTIs can cause really irrational behaviors in the elderly, I have to wonder if his UTI actually cleared. Could be a resistant strain or recurrent infection. If you can somehow get him back to a doctor's office, you could ask to have his urine re-checked. Also, AZO makes a home test for UTI. Perhaps you can get an adult male in the family to help get a urine sample. If it tested positive, you'd have an excuse to get him to a doctor. I'm no expert but certainly something you may want to rule out.

that's kinda of young for kids not to want to be bothered with their grandparents, maybe try explaining to the kids grandpa can't help it just try to give him a little time to spend with him. its worth a try

GF's fixation and attachment behavior sounds like it is dementia-related, whether or not he has been officially diagnosed.

Your children must be protected, and your grandfather needs to be protected from himself.

You said that "we all live together" so how many people are in the home and what is the relation to grandfather?

Is the home yours or grandpa's? This makes a difference because a placement into a facility could involve a review of all grandpa's assets, etc.

If the home belongs to grandpa, it could also mean that everyone may need to move and allow the home to be sold so the funds can support grandpa in a facility.

Hi - could it be that maybe your grandpa is just lonely? It can't be easy for a senior - if thankfully you mentioned that he was tested and cognitively fine, then maybe it's a matter of looking into senior daycare activities - is there a senior center in your community? If he was stimulated during the day - meeting other seniors his age and engaged in activities that he may enjoy, then by the time he returned to your home, his day would be completed and he'd be too tired to shadow your son - vying for continual attention - your grandpa could find friends his own age! It may also help his mood and arguments may lessen. It may take creative thinking and researching activities or what's in your community for him. It would also be helpful for him to perhaps speak with a counselor who specializes in elder issues - you mentioned in your profile that he suffers from depression, anxiety - it's best to get a professional assessment/insight.

I hope this helps - wishing you all the best.

Time to move Grandfather into MC.

There is a guy at my Mom’s MC unit who is obsessed with food. He will attempt to follow visitors into rooms and also will dig into handbags just because he can. He is a tall, imposing guy with a deadpan stare, does not talk and constantly walks the hallway. He is very scary looking. Thankfully he will not open doors.

Believe in your son. Move Grandfather to another living facility.

Your #1 responsibility is to protect your child.