Why is taking abuse from your parent(s) more important than your loved ones?
A parent has a legal responsibility to the care and safety of their children. As far as I know, there are no laws obligating an adult to their parents. I'm not mean and cold-hearted. Search my posts and you'll see how I was verbally and emotionally robbed of 45 years of my life, with the message engrained into my brain since preteen, "Make your mother happy" Not the joke telling kind of happy... the "if you leave her side who will take care of all her emotional neediness? If you cut the cord she'll fall into a depression" kinda happy.
That message was verbally and emotionally abusive, from my pansy father. I'm 60 and haven't had a days rest from her incessant needs, and her narcissism. Where is it written that I have to have her in my life forever, until one of us kicks the bucket? It's written in Webster's dictionary under the word guilt. The feeling of guilt is to keep us in check, not enslaved. I just wish I had fled when I turned 18 like my siblings who had enough. To those of you with abusive parents, the reason you're being victimized is simply because of unwarranted guilt, like I had till a few days ago. By the grace of God I woke up.
Don't let your religion weigh on your decision either. Don't be guilted into sacrificing your mental health for anyone. If you do, then you are continuing the cycle of abuse because no doubt you, your spouse and children are suffering to. Don't put off the decision to take care of yourself for your and your families sake as I did. Looking back on all the tears I shed, the joyful events I turned down because I was feeling so low, the times I was short with my children and neglected my husband... I have overwhelming regret. These types of parents are a cancer that spreads throughout. Be strong, get them out of your house now. You wouldn't let anyone hurt your spouse or children! Wake up! Your declining mental health is hurting your loved ones too.
First, hugs for the pain you've suffered at the hands of your parents. Secondly, congratulations for your epiphany: the understanding that you can't fix a narcissist; that your health and well-being aren't commodities for your narcissist to waste; that you didn't choose to be brought into this world; that was your parents doing and therefore you don't "owe" them. So many of us have been caught up in an endless cycle of abuse because of ingrained guilt, courtesy of the narcissistic parent(s) and/or the enabling parent. Religious upbringing drummed in our brain says "Honor thy father and mother, so that it will go well with you and your life will be long on this earth." (I'm paraphrasing). Make no mistake; I stand by my Christian upbringing, but I think we misinterpreted that verse! How can "honoring" include enduring abuse resulting in stress/anxiety-related health issues? The very concept contradicts the verse! IMHO "honoring" one's parents means living a life that honors them, one that reflects spiritual values instilled in you; not sacrificing our own health and families to satisfy irrational whims of controlling, guilt-inducing parents.
I, too have regrets, of allowing the woman who gave birth to me to steal my self-esteem and make me her emotional caregiver; robbing me of precious relationships that now, after death, can never be restored. Trained to endure because no one in the family dared challenge the tyrant. Notice my use of the word "allowed." I let her do it to me. I don't blame the child who didn't know better, but I do hold the adult that I became partially responsible. It took years of therapy, soul-searching, and this forum to help me understand what happened. Those of us who endured the abuse at the hands of a narcissist have paid dearly with depression, emotional issues, stress & anxiety issues, high blood pressure, cardiac issues, and the list goes on.
If we do the work, we begin to love ourselves, the person our parent(s) couldn't because they were incapable. We learn to self-protect and self-preserve; becoming our own surrogate parents, refusing to allow the circle of abuse to continue; because indeed our loved ones: husbands, wives, children and grandchildren suffer when we suffer because in such a disordered state, we can't fulfill our roles to them. It's time to take back our lives and appoint another caretaker or community of caretakers to care for the narcissistic parent(s). We've paid enough.
Thank you for such a meaningful post. (((Hugs))))
I'm very sorry to hear what you went through. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It is a valuable lesson we women have to learn. Since I was a child I have been very susceptible to guilt. I too have tried to make my mother happy. My mother told us over and over again "she suffered because of us kids." I am now middle aged but its hard cycle to break. Since my father passed and now my grandmother, I am trying like you said to take care of myself. It is up to me to break this cycle.
Thank you again for sharing your perspective. Thinking of you.