I've just left the NH and it's like walking into a room with bullets flying at you, 9 visits out of 10 lately! Regular visitors to this forum will remember that my mother has moderate vascular dementia. She refuses all medications (even thyroid and blood pressure) going on about 3 months or longer now and is becoming meaner every day. I still have a daytime sitter with her transitioning to part-time, eventually going to no one but staff. The social worker and other staff have met with me and expressed concern over the sitters saying they can do more with her when the sitter is not there. Of course I'm a little suspicious but they did say that it's my choice and they'll work with me whether she has a sitter or not. They've said my mother is more agitated with them under her all day and they escalate her moods by arguing with her and engaging with her too much. I have heard them myself trying to defend themselves when she accuses them of awful things. She hates the sitters and says they are mean. Says I'm mean too. Also when I go the sitters are on their phones a lot, doing a lot of sleeping (of course they're bored I'm sure) and less getting her out of room etc. and it's costing an extra $40,000 a year to have them there and only in the daytime! They just don't seem to be able to do anything much with her anymore, not even good conversation. I have to make sure my mother's money doesn't run out because my husband and I cannot afford to pay for her care. When the sitters do take her out of the room she creates such a scene, yelling for the police, grabbing at people, tearing down pictures off the wall. Then one sitter in particular gives me all the details of what my mother says about me even though I've told her I don't want to hear it. (I'm sure she needs to vent too.) It's so stressful for me when I try to visit because she is telling she wants me to die before her, often praying this aloud for all to hear. This week she told me she's hoping I'll drop dead before her. I've been seeing a therapist and she's told me to limit my visits...twice a week for about 5 minutes but it's getting to the point I can't even visit her. Maybe once a month we have a decent visit when she's not yelling horrible things at me. I'm a little concerned about leaving my mother without someone right there with her but she seems to be doing about the same with the sitter only there some now. I really can't tell much difference because the staff is not complaining, they just reassure me they'll take care of her. I know it won't be the level of care she'd get in some places but it's the best I can do for her without moving her out of town and she's only 5 minutes from me. I can pop in anytime, but I'm wondering if I need to just stop going to her room at least for a while. I know her behavior is doing stuff to me that I'll probably reap later. I'm an only child and the only family to check on her. I'm so depressed about this situation and so ready for the journey to end for her because she is the most miserable human being I know. Thank you all for reading.
Enough is enough. She's being taken care of and that's what counts. Subjecting yourself to such behavior serves no useful purpose for either one of you.
Best of luck
The nurses have told u Mom is better without the aides. You say they don't do anything. So let them go. In my opinion, they serve no purpose.
She is taking you to your knees, that needs to stop and only you can do this.
Sending support your way!
Why are you concerned about leaving your mother without someone right there with her? Has the nursing home been cited for deficiencies in caring for the residents? Have you heard of or seen other residents being abused or neglected? Why would you place your Mom in a nursing home that you don't trust?
Having a parent in a nursing home is similar to having a child in a daycare. You will always wonder how your parent (or child) is being taken care when you are not there. But isn't that the reason your parent is in the nursing home, so that other people can take care her.
Take a deep breath and relax. You are letting your Mom get to you emotionally and you need to step back and let the nursing staff do their job. {{{HUGS}}}
I would lose the sitters, who sound as though they are agitating her.
Talking to the staff to ensure that they know there are eyes on her care should be sufficient.
It is okay to not be her scratching post.
Let the sitters go, arguing with a demented patient, sleeping, playing on their phones! No! They are not serving the purpose they are hired for, so save the money and your nerves and fire them.