I am trying really really hard to understand what is going on here with the MIL. She has always been extremely self-centered, but it is getting worse and I am wondering if there is something else going on here. I am recovering from a hysterectomy. It has been less than a week and the recovery is going slow, but getting better. I have not been able to do things for the MIL, which we have made her very aware this surgery was coming (she lives across the street and lives independently). My husband has been picking up the slack at home after going to work all day and my teens have been checking in on the MIL for me every day. Last night, hubby went over to get her trash (we put it in our cans every week) and she immediately lit into him on arrival, screaming at him, and cursing at him. She said she could be laying dead over there and we wouldn't care (or wouldn't know, or something to that effect). He says she was using the F-word over and over, which isn't usually something she does. She said she was very effing pissed off at him. He told her he couldn't deal with her acting like that, got her trash, and walked out the door, all the while with her yelling at him out the door "you only care about your friends and your football" (she says this all the time). I felt so bad for him when he got home. He was so upset. It's like she cannot stand it that she is not the center of attention, even for just a few days. I haven't talked to her yet. I've been letting everyone else deal with her because she stresses me out so much and I'm trying to keep that down so I can recover, but now I want to just want to fight her. However, I know from years of experience that it won't do any good. I just don't know how to deal with this behavior and I guess I am searching for excuses for her by thinking it is a dementia issue or something because I cannot believe a sane person would act like this. I don't know if she has dementia or not; there are a lot of small signs I think, but it is hard to tell with her.
OR --- You can take cover, try and survive the "howling wind(bag)" and clean up the mess afterward.
Does anyone know what are the best resources for evaluating your senior parents' mental state and what legal options you might have to get them into a situation-like assisted-living-to prevent them from harming themselves--like not eating or becoming too depressed, etc???
((hugs))
To prevent new anger- detach and distance. To deal with old anger - deal with the hurts. I found writing them out was helpful. It is important to have your hurts validated, tio accept that the way you were treated was a bad as it felt, and still feels.It is also important to recognize that she is not a "sane" person but a person with a serious mental disease, and one that is not easily treated. I think my mother is depressed too, but she would not take meds for it either. Since antidepressants have helped mil in the past, could the doc give those meds under a different guise? Unfortunately my mother researches every med, and would find out quickly, and refuse them. It will not get easier. I wish you the best and prayers. ((((((hugs)))))) Joan
ohjeezleweez - You are protecting yourself, which you need to. I have seen my mother become pretty agitated when the attention was off her and onto someone else, due to illness, holidays or whatever, but not to the point that she would exhibit uncharacteristic behaviours. It would be her normal behaviours somewhat exaggerated. Getting a narcissist evaluated in another thing, as they will resist and think that everyone else has the problem. To me, you all are doing the right things,, but that does not make it easy. Gettng her to an evaluation in the future sounds like a good idea.
(((((((lynmac))))))) I know you have been through a very rough time, and hear what you are saying. Having lived with narcissistic behaviours all my life, I think I have become more of a "Teflon" woman. It has taken many years to get there. The emotional stress certainly can become crippling. It is so important to look after you by drawing boundaries and emotionally detaching and distancing - important but not easy. Detaching, and distancing allows for healing from abusive behaviours, and prevents, or at least, decreases additional hurt. Allow yourself time and space to grieve your losses.
jessie -my mother dwells on events from years back, and works herself into a rage - but then she always has. She will not join into activities her ALF offers, and like yours, then complains that she is alone too much, when there is a wealth of socializing outside her door. I agree, you can't let it bother you too much.
Letting go of guilt when "attacked" by a narcissist is not easy, but very important for maintaining your wellbeing. ((((((((Hugs))))))) to everyone with this problem Joan
I did go to a website mentioned on another post, I think it was daughters of narcissistic mothers. I read through all of it and printed out the 24 characteristics. She was everything on there to a T except for the physical abuse. It really was an eye opener. I showed it to my husband and he will read it tonight. I think it will help him. Even though it was about daughters, it applies to sons too. I can see some his behaviors and the way he is on some things are definitely a direct result of her mental/verbal abuse. I hadn't put two and two together thinking about how it was when he was little. She has always been this way. I know that does not seem earth shattering, but when you connect dots like that, it is an ah-ha moment. There were things in there that helped me out too; some things I have said or acted like and realize that it is hurtful to my kids. I think everyone is selfish sometimes but if you can recognize and improve, do it; and I will. The best thing about that website that helped was learning the identifying factors and then realizing it really is not you. It is very hard with her to not think you are not a crazy, unreasonable, horrible, uncaring person. Now I know I am not and neither is my husband or my kids.
I hope next time she goes to the doctor that they will do something (I know they can't fix narcissism, but can help with dementia). I remember years ago when she was in convalescence they gave her some antidepressants. It worked very well until she found out what they were and immediately refused to take them because there was no way she was depressed. I believe she definitely is, but she will never admit it. Funny though, she always says everyone else is depressed, but to her that means that they are crazy.
I know we can't change her. I expect the tide will go out again soon and then come crashing back in with her. I will continue to recover this month from my surgery and then I go back to work on October 1 to a new job, in Aging and Disabilities of all things. Reading through and through this website will make me a better case manager. It will help me understand more about family dynamics and issues with elderly care. It will help me with the MIL too. My goal is to get the anger out of me and help my husband get the anger out of him too. She gets us so riled up all the time we are just balls of stress, but it doesn't have to be this way and we will work through it, and it will continue to storm and calm, storm and calm.
Bless all of you and this website. I am so thankful I found it.
Ignore her. It may enrage her even further, but my suggestion stands: Ignore her.
My heart goes out to your husband, her son, who seems to bear the brunt of her anger . Thank God she lives across the street and not in your house.
Take care in your post-surgery recovery./ Bless you.
Having her evaluated by a physician would help - through my experiences, it was helpful to talk to the doctor on the phone first before the visit and discuss what is going on. Narcissistic elderly people can behave differently in a doctor's office as this is part of the disorder - and actually fool the doctor with how they can "turn it on and turn it off". And the doctor, unless previously informed, may not realize the extent of the problem. I learned to talk to the doctors ahead of time and it made a tremendous difference.
Hopefully, there will be a treatment for your MIL in the form of medication. This can take time by trial and error until a medication is found that works.
Meanwhile, since she lives across the street and is currently independent, you'll have the opportunity to be proactive as the situation will only get worse. Hugs to you and hope you are feeling better each day.
I don't have caregiving relationship per se with my sister, but she has always had the narcissist trend. So, I've read a lot of articles on narcissism. It is pandemic in this society.
I was very fortunate not to have a narcissist/dementia phase with my parents. They were truly remarkable patients. But, after they were gone, I did respite sitting for VNA, and found out that other patients were Not so remarkable, that other patients have "sickness talking" -- dwelling on their health problems and taking it out on others. What they really need is hobbies, books to read, productive things to do that takes their mind off their health problems. We're all going that way - we're all going to have aging lesser-"golden years". As Reader's Digest says, "Laughter is the best medicine."
Yeah Patti4Mom -- I often think "I need a Me to take care of Me one day." And, even if I had kids, there's no guarantees that kids will be familial "social security" care. (I say, if family is so disconnected, dysfunctional, uncaring, unloving -- then parents should exhibit Tough Love and kids should Not receive inheritance. Inheritance should be Earned - and caregiving, thru giving-back, is a good way to earn it. Parents do a lot for their kids, and kids shouldn't be so selfish to not give-back while they have the chance. After the parents are gone - and kids haven't given-back, that's when resentments for the rest of the kids' lives set in.)
The age-old dynamic of shut-in parent feeling sorry for themselves, and grown kids out selfishly having fun with their peers rather than with the parent/patient. The dynamic especially made worse by geographically distant family. If family dynamics are so bad for caregiving, the only option is outside caregivers, thru an agency, or independent, whether covered by insurance or not. Of course, then with strangers in the home, watch out for "employee theft". Another source of patient narcissism/dementia, real or imagined thefts.
We didn't have these problems when the average age of death was 65-70. Now that people living longer, and in pathetic health conditions & sub-quality of life, we see so much more of this.
But, really, the diagnosis isn't the most important element right now, is it? You need to figure out how to deal with this, and it seems to me you are doing it as well as possible. Hubby did the right thing by leaving. You are doing the right thing by letting everyone else deal with her while you are healing. You need to come first. I can understand the strong temptation to have it out with her, but you know from years of experience that it won't do any good. And it won't do any good whether this is a personality disorder or dementia or both. MIL is not a person who can be reasoned into good behavior.
You guys are doing great.