I have been helping my husband provide care for his mother since 2019 after his father passed. My husband works as lawyer and last year he was able to use his connections to get her approval for 84 hours of in home care despite not technically meeting the requirements through the fair hearing process.
This is where the issue lays, the help he has gotten his mother was not done in a legit or proper manner. He had doctor friends submit documentation, and knew the Judge that was overseeing the fair hearing. He tried doing it the proper way but kept hitting road blocks. It is great we have the care, problem is I want her out now, I thought I could get by with the extra help, but I want my space and house back. I want our home to look like a home of 30 something year olds, not a pseudo nursing home.
I know placing his mother would 100% destroy him, but her being her is destroying me. He would not be the same person if he had to place her before he is ready. As my therapist has stated this is a situation where if it no longer works for one it no longer works for anyone. I know my husband is kind, he will go out of his way to help those in need, I am in need now, and the only thing he can do to help me is place his mom.
We spoke about it in the past and he knows his limit. He knows he will not be able to stand seeing his mother placed, he knows hearing the phrase can I go home with you would eat him up. He knows seeing others in that situation will just remind him what is to come. He also knows none of her friends or family will visit her.
She is happy here, she has friends in the neighborhood, she is active part of the church albeit with our assistance. She loves her day program, my husband regularly funds trips through connections he has made for the day program. I am just done, I love my husband, we have been married for 10 years. He has been my rock through everything, and now I feel horrible because in his time of need I am no longer able to be his. In short leaving him lost at sea.
I am not sure what exactly I wish to accomplish with said post, but I need something other than being told I am kind, and such a great wife for doing this. I knew marrying someone on the spectrum would be rough, but I do not think I have it in me to help him through another downward spiral of guilt like he had when his father died. Even to this day he still wonders what more he could have done even though he knows nothing could be done. In this case something could be done I am just not willing to be part of that something so it breaks down.
Do not get me wrong he helps in anyway he can, he just does not leave it up to me or the aids. He does work long hours though so he is not as readily available as he would like. He does make sure to make time if needed, and generally leaves work at work.
Thanks for letting me vent.
The elder care system is designed to maximize suffering for the elerly and family caregivers.
Thats why many caregivers die before the person they are caring for.
Thats why many caregivers are financially ruined. Thats why many caregivers are mentally and physically broken.
We should all work together to find loopholes for ALL caregivers. Loopholes and preserverance to find said loopholes are the path to freedom for all caregivers.🗽😄
And I am going on 14 hours without water right now. I can guarantee you if i could find a loophole to get the water back on i would do it in a heartbeat.
How is the latter situation more ideal over the former?
The tax payer comments I do not have the numbers but I am sure Congress pet projects make up far more in terms of wasted taxpayer dollars.
Based off the comments especially those that state if they would report us. What does that solve? His mother would still need care. It is not safe to leave someone with mental health issues alone. I am certain any medical professional would agree with that. It is better to have her in a community where she has friends and activities that keep her comfortable and at peace, with the aide provides safety and supervision.
Every adviser echos one statement when it comes to elder care. Never use your own money to provide care. So, would it have been better to leave her alone outside those 28 hours and wait until for the worse to happen?
Some of the moral grandstanding does not match up, you do not care about the person that is sick. All you really care about is the fact that someone is not having to give up everything because the system is broken to the core.
I am going to leave it at that. Thank you for the other suggestions. I will be doing my best to make use of this time I have, I do not have my house back but at least I have some freedom. The shed / tiny home idea is awesome, and will be one of the first things I invest in after I get a job.
And you got something else, right? Some (many?) here don't think you are so great for making excuses for apparent Medicaid fraud.
"You are posed with two options, get the Medicaid in home care hours, or wait until the progress or something catastrophic happens and are forced to drop them off the ER then refuse to take her home leaving it up to the social worker to find placement. Based off this forum alone those options of placement are not great.
How is the latter situation more ideal over the former?"
Well, you came here complaining that your MIL is in your house. Option 2 would seem to meet your apparent great need (despite all the caregiving hours the taxpayers fund) to have your house to yourself again.
My favorite thing is putting an irrevocable trust in place so that loved ones can get on Medicaid if it’s in place before the the 5 year look back and protect their assets. This enables their family to inherit.
How is that any different? And this is LEGAL.
There are plenty of ways to game the system.
Maybe the system needs to change.
In short the issue is people broke the first law of cargiving. Don't compare your situation to others.
II Corinthians 6:17
Unfollowing this thread before the OP's connected husband decides to sue the posters and aging care.
No one needs a sermon from you or anyone else. Keep the fire and brimstone to yourself.
Good luck! & hugs 🤗
Or they could get the MIL her own apartment that she can pay for considering the state is picking up the tab for all of her fraudulent services. This way the OP would not even have to pass her in the hallway because she'd be living somewhere else.
https://youtu.be/wKyJQrUdS-I
"shockingly common" "involves a lot of money" "who's committing these frauds?"
Well worth watching if you're thinking about finding "loopholes."