My husband has been in and out of the hospital with various health issues and 9 different operations since 2015. He has been in MC for a little over a year. He is violent and has been sexually aggressive with me before he went into Memory Care. In the first few weeks of being in his second facility he lured a female resident to his room. She was not touched, but my husband took off all his clothes. According to the facility, he knew what he was doing. Fourth facility he and another patient fondled each other and it was consensual on both parties after it was throughly investigated. He knew what he was doing the first time around because his mental state wasn’t all gone.
My question is would it be wrong to get in touch with a former boyfriend I haven’t seen or talked to since I was 20 years old? I am now 78. He was my first love but Vietnam stood in the way. I married my husband and have been married for 56 years. Under the circumstances of not having a “husband” anymore, is it wrong? I am not looking for anything like a sexual encounter but a connection with my first love. My marriage was just a marriage and I should have divorced within the first few years of being married. Had two girls and didn’t want to split up because they needed a father and a mother.
I'm very wary of these types of contacts. My mother "reconnected" (in her mind only) with her first love once my dad died and she was deep into dementia. In her mind they married, had a sex life (that I had to decline to hear about many times), and they were very happy. In truth, the man died in 2009, seemed to have been happily married until then, and had six children. It would have been horrible had my mother -- in her right mind and newly-widowed --tried to contact him.
I say stick with the fantasy and leave it at that. If you need companionship, find someone who is local and available and also looking. Old romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
Dementia is real and your husband would not be in Memory Care if he didn't have a diagnosis of it. This is why his behavior is the way it is, including his sexual aggression and violent agitation, both which should be addressed and treated by his doctor. His disease doesn't give you rights you wouldn't ordinarily have as a married woman. That's not to say you don't want, or don't deserve a life of your own, you do. We all deserve love and affection and kindness and decency from others. But what does that mean for your husband, where does your new relationship leave him? And you can say you won't have a physical relationship until the cows come home, but we all know where loving affection ultimately leads. We're all adults. Don't go into "rekindling" an old love and try to fool yourself at the same time. Either do it or don't do it, but be honest with yourself going in and all along. And decide beforehand if it means you'll stop visiting your husband in MC or what it will mean for that relationship.
Some people are able to have a relationship with another person while their spouse is in Memory Care and be ok with it, some aren't. We can't answer this question for you. Only YOU can answer it for yourself. What's wrong for one person may be right for another, and what's right for one is wrong for another. If you are able to live with your decision and be happy with it and yourself, go for it. If not and you'll wind up full of self remorse, don't. Look within for your answer.
Good luck, whatever you choose to do.
Mom and first boyfriend did not marry in the 50's because she was Lutheran, he was Catholic. That just wasn't done then.
The Xmas card started a new relationship. They traveled often to visit each other and he finally moved from Virginia. They married on mom's 80th bday, she thought she would never forget the anniversary that way. 😕😕 She had very early Alzheimer's when they married. He passed on their 10th anniversary and mom's 90th bday. She didn't know him most of the time the last couple of years.
They were quite happy for the majority of that ten years.
It could be your first love also has significant health issues, though. But, check it out.
I personally say go for it.
We get a version of this question every now and again, and there are no simple or easy answers, as we all have to live with the choices we make in this life.
As a Christian, I took my marriage vows very seriously, and would have never even thought about reconnecting with an old flame, while my husband was still alive. He ended up having a massive stroke just a year and a half after we married, which forever changed him and our marriage, but I chose to stand by his side until he died in 2020.
But that is me, only you know what you can live with if you decide to reach out. I would certainly recommend praying about it and like Beatty said below, if you belong to any kind of faith/church, please talk this over with your pastor/rabbi, or whoever.
I'm praying for God to give you wisdom and discernment in this situation.
For myself I would divorce this husband. Whoever he was when you were together (and apparently he was violent) I would have divorced him THEN. I certainly would divorce him NOW when he is really no one you ever knew. This will also divide your assets so his go to his care and yours are protected for YOU. It is then I would consider whether to seek companionship with others for myself.
These truly are personal decisions that I feel are not any one else's business at all. I wish you good luck whatever decision you make for yourself.
Some if the answers below are good, some are careless. I tend to lean towards the moral and what could become, emotional issues for you. - Trust me when I say that I understand what it is like to have a spouse living with dementia. While my bride of 31+ years is still in love and tender with me, physical intimacy went out the door nearly 2 years ago. We had a great marriage. But since her illness set in full force, physical touch went away. - A relationship with another, be it a new person or an old flame, could have some emotional consequences.
I am not judging you, by any means. The type of relationship you had with your husband would have driven me to divorce court years before dementia set in. But I am not you and cannot pretend to know the why’s and why not’s of your past or present emotional decisions.
I didn’t see any responses that dealt with the legal sides of divorcing your husband. But do consider that! What happens to your assets? - If your husband has been deemed mentally incapacitated then he will not be able to legally fight for himself and therefore would need a court required representation. This could get VERY expensive for you with the legal court tie ups. Not only would you have to pay for your lawyer out of your joint assets, but his also. You’re not entering an easy road to travel on.
I wish you well and will pray for you. You are in a difficult place many “caregiving spouses” have been.
You deserve to have a good life. I believe that you are hurt and have regrets, and would give anything to turn back time and do things differently. If contacting your old flame makes sense then do it. Be careful though, because our memories can paint a prettier picture then things actually were. Also, would you be ready to deal with the possible guilt an affair would cause?
I can't say that if would be wrong to get in touch with old flame. But I think you need to be careful. You are probably not at your best right now, with all that you've dealt with including regret over staying with husband for so long. If you want to send your ex a message or a short letter, go for it. Just be clear about your intentions and do not have any expectations of having a relationship of any kind with him. Our memories of past relationships are often rosier than the reality.
Maybe you should reach out to other old friends that you haven't been in touch with lately. You could use some support and friends at this tough time.
Life is too short to deal in what if's. Go for it. It may turn out to be the best thing ever; of course, it may not. But you will never know until you find out.
What are the childhood sweetheart's circumstances?
I want to ask a few questions about your long-lost love.
You say he was "your first love, but Vietnam got in the way". How so? Plenty of romantic relationships survived Vietnam, as they survived other wars, or long absences through military deployment. Did you both decide to end the relationship because of the risk of him being at war (and I'm going to assume he was drafted to serve in combat). Were you not willing to wait for him to get back? Or was he changed by his experiences to a point you were no longer willing to pursue a relationship?
Clearly you have kept up with him, since you know the circumstances of his marriage and divorce. WHY was he divorced? You say your current husband has been abusive to you throughout your marriage. Was he also abusive to you? It's not uncommon for someone who is abused to go from one abusive relationship to another. Do you really think you will be happy with this first love, or is this a situation where "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"?
And on the subject of his divorce, how will he feel being the "other man" so to speak, since you are still legally married to your current husband?
If you ask me, before you start to delve into another relationship, I think you might be better served finding a therapist to figure out why you stayed in an abusive marriage for as long as you did, whether or not you end your marriage with your current husband. You seem to understand that the way your husband treated you was not acceptable, yet you stayed (and still stay) in the marriage. Maybe you need to figure that out before you start considering another long-term romantic commitment; so, you're not, in effect, jumping from the frying pan into the fire.