My dad is in an assisted living facility and has been getting along by himself, but things are getting more difficult for him and he needs more help. My two sisters think I should be willing to help him every morning and night. They don't understand why I don't want to do that. I don't have a good reason as to why I don't. I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago to be close to Mom and Dad. Mom died last year. I live just a few minutes from Dad and I only work 1 day a week. My one sister that lives here has a full-time job. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away. I also have a brother that lives about 30 miles away. The assisted living facility can help him with his needs, it will just cost more money. I go visit Dad 3 or 4 times a week and my sister also visits him several days a week. I am the youngest of us 4 kids. I'm feeling very guilty about not wanting to do more and I am kind of depressed about it.
If your Dad is 101, he surely can't last much longer, maybe a year to five years, and you have to think about your own future, too. Why are you only working one day a week? Can you not extend that to 3 or 4, and you would have the other 3 or 4 of duty.
All this is in lieu of not paying for the extra help.
I'm interested in the fact that the facility wants more $$ to do the work. How much a month would cover it?
(another story) and back in to her own home after 10 years. I have no siblings and have hired caregivers except for weekend evenings, where I've been doing the hands on for a year and resent it terribly. She's 96 and still very alert, but week. When I have to toilet her I just want to scream. I feel awful about it, but I just can't seem to help myself.
I appreciate all the responses and am glad to know it's not just me.....
I hope my husband never comes to that need. I physically gag and nearly throw up just by the odor.
Are you a morning person? Then maybe 4-5-6 days a week you go over in the morning and help him get ready for the day. Other days, paid assistance.
Or are you an evening person?
Go see him in the evening, maybe watch some TV or whatever you both enjoy, then help him into his PJ's and prepare for bed. Again 4-5-6 days a week, with paid help the other times.
It may sound easy to 'dress' him, BUT if you are not living in the same house with him, when you add in the travel time, parking, entering the building, going into his room, and the reverse when you leave, twice a day, it gets very involved. When you add in your travel time, etc, it is often more cost effective to have the dressing done by the in-house staff at the assisted living. Some elders are actually more comfortable with a 'professional' aide assisting them with dressing and showering than a family member. Consider his personal space and comfort level as well.
Wonderful that the family is working together. Sadly that is all too rare.
You need to sit down with your siblings, whether in person or via Skype or FaceTime to discuss your feelings about tending to the physical needs of your father. There is no shame in not wanting to do the tasks that you are opting out of. You should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty or less of a daughter for your choices. Given that there is money available there is a very easy solution. At the end of the day, it is likely that your father would not want you to feel obligated to do something that you were not comfortable doing. Try to remain calm in your discussions as you are going to need your siblings through Dad's illness.
Remember that we teach people how to treat us. Do not allow anyone, siblings or otherwise, to belittle you or question your character because of the choices you are making.
I wish you peace as you traverse the days and weeks to come.
Do not hesitate to return here if you are in need of any more support or ideas.
With gratitude and grace