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My dad is in an assisted living facility and has been getting along by himself, but things are getting more difficult for him and he needs more help. My two sisters think I should be willing to help him every morning and night. They don't understand why I don't want to do that. I don't have a good reason as to why I don't. I moved back home 3 1/2 years ago to be close to Mom and Dad. Mom died last year. I live just a few minutes from Dad and I only work 1 day a week. My one sister that lives here has a full-time job. My other sister lives 3 1/2 hours away. I also have a brother that lives about 30 miles away. The assisted living facility can help him with his needs, it will just cost more money. I go visit Dad 3 or 4 times a week and my sister also visits him several days a week. I am the youngest of us 4 kids. I'm feeling very guilty about not wanting to do more and I am kind of depressed about it.

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Pam I agree with all of the thoughtful comments above. This issue came up when dealing with my father-in-law. As an RN I was completely comfortable dealing with his toileting and bathing needs and, though not overjoyed at the prospect, my beloved husband was fine with helping me when necessary. His brother, however, was quite different. From the start we sat down to have a conversation about everyone's comfort levels. My brother-in-law was very clear on the fact that he would never touch his father, clean him or change him under any circumstances. We were fine with that and no judgements were passed as everyone has their own feelings and views on these issues. He felt that those tasks should be left to the professionals.
You need to sit down with your siblings, whether in person or via Skype or FaceTime to discuss your feelings about tending to the physical needs of your father. There is no shame in not wanting to do the tasks that you are opting out of. You should not allow anyone to make you feel guilty or less of a daughter for your choices. Given that there is money available there is a very easy solution. At the end of the day, it is likely that your father would not want you to feel obligated to do something that you were not comfortable doing. Try to remain calm in your discussions as you are going to need your siblings through Dad's illness.
Remember that we teach people how to treat us. Do not allow anyone, siblings or otherwise, to belittle you or question your character because of the choices you are making.
I wish you peace as you traverse the days and weeks to come.
Do not hesitate to return here if you are in need of any more support or ideas.
With gratitude and grace
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Consider a "split"
Are you a morning person? Then maybe 4-5-6 days a week you go over in the morning and help him get ready for the day. Other days, paid assistance.
Or are you an evening person?
Go see him in the evening, maybe watch some TV or whatever you both enjoy, then help him into his PJ's and prepare for bed. Again 4-5-6 days a week, with paid help the other times.
It may sound easy to 'dress' him, BUT if you are not living in the same house with him, when you add in the travel time, parking, entering the building, going into his room, and the reverse when you leave, twice a day, it gets very involved. When you add in your travel time, etc, it is often more cost effective to have the dressing done by the in-house staff at the assisted living. Some elders are actually more comfortable with a 'professional' aide assisting them with dressing and showering than a family member. Consider his personal space and comfort level as well.
Wonderful that the family is working together. Sadly that is all too rare.
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I am the only daughter of my Mother. She has a son who lives on the other side of the continent. Mom has dementia. She lives in an assistive living facility. To take care of a mother as opposed to a father (male) is quite different for most people. I can understand your reluctance to "dress" your Dad and don't blame you for feeling bad about it. BUT, it is what it is and your feeling the way you do, as far as I'm concerned, is quite normal. I felt the same way about my Dad when he was in a nursing home and I had to help him do some of his very private needs. I also feel the same way about my Mom now with her dementia. If your Mom could afford it, I would certainly look into having the facility do the honors. Takes a load off, especially since you have your own life and also visit as often as you do. It's always easier for "others" to plant guilt just to alleviate theirs. I wish you luck.
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I wish I had thought of, or someone had suggested the bidet option when we faced the situation. But having to wipe someone else rear doesn't come up in conversation too often, and I was reeling with the thought that he expected that I would do that. Not to receptive at that point.
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Someone should invent a self-cleaning wand with disposable pads, similar to the disposable toilet bowl cleaners you can now buy! Or install a bidet attachment to the present toilet to make the wiping easier.
I hope my husband never comes to that need. I physically gag and nearly throw up just by the odor.
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You can hire live in care giver first & then see how it goes
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I completely understand. I went from retired and unbridled freedom, to moving out of my home, preparing every meal, 2 Dr. appts per week, while managing meds, yardcare, laundry, helping to dress, into and out of the shower, etc etc etc. After a UTI and a fall, and ending up back in rehab, Dad decided he would need help toileting when sent home from rehab. I asked weekly if he was handling it on his own yet. I proposed using tools like some of the little people had that couldn't reach back there, anything to enable him to do it himself so he could come home. When the answer was no, i told him I would not do that. The transition from helping him off the toilet, to cleaning him was a road I will not travel. I know my limitations, and we had reached them.
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I don't think that many of us are particularly comfortable with personal care for our parents but needs must. Bowel movements are a law unto themselves and wait for no man or allocated time when Carers come. Joy!
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I don't think many of us are particularly comfortable with carrying out personal care for our parents but what can you do? Needs must. Bowel movements are a law unto themselves and wait for no man or Carer.
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I am so glad Pam started this discussion. I have been struggling with dressing, bathing and toiling my mother since I moved her out of assisted living
(another story) and back in to her own home after 10 years. I have no siblings and have hired caregivers except for weekend evenings, where I've been doing the hands on for a year and resent it terribly. She's 96 and still very alert, but week. When I have to toilet her I just want to scream. I feel awful about it, but I just can't seem to help myself.
I appreciate all the responses and am glad to know it's not just me.....
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So many excellent responses/support here. What an amazing network. It is easy to say "don't feel guilty" - I'd say, deal with your feelings by being really present with them (firstly) and reinforce its okay to set your own boundaries with 'time and duties,' by writing affirmations or doing visualizations - whatever works to transform any negative associations - with this particular task. If you feel good about yourself and what you are doing, that will come through when you are with your dad. Otherwise, the resentment or however you may feel doing something you do not want (or have the energy to do) will come through when you are with him. I am a firm believer in setting boundaries and taking care of one's self - in order to be present to support an other's needs. Otherwise, your health and well-being suffers. On another note, I realize many cannot afford to pay for certain care and are responsible to provide it - in this case, I encourage people to (1) get enough sleep; (2) eat healthy; (3) exercise; and (4) do some kind of meditation or spiritual inner work; and (5) incorporate some fun and down time in your schedule, even if just 30 minutes a day.
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Can the AM/PM chore be split with your sister close by? Or have your brother and other sister come a week at a time to give you a chance to get away on a vacation. Even doing this little bit will soon change their minds in a hurry about the extra expense. Your sibs MUST take on more responsibility if they refuse to pay for additional services.
If your Dad is 101, he surely can't last much longer, maybe a year to five years, and you have to think about your own future, too. Why are you only working one day a week? Can you not extend that to 3 or 4, and you would have the other 3 or 4 of duty.
All this is in lieu of not paying for the extra help.
I'm interested in the fact that the facility wants more $$ to do the work. How much a month would cover it?
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If your other family members are so concerned about your dad needing help, perhaps they should also chip in and help
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Even my R.N. daughter is uncomfortable with changing her father's (my Ex's) diapers. She would have liked to have kept him in his home with round-the clock sitters but the house was a disaster, with leaky faucets, mold everywhere and years of non-housebroken dogs...no one would want to work there! She had POA and sold house to one of those companies that buys old homes for $14,000 less than we paid for it in 1969. He's now in a nursing home and eating through his savings at over $10,000 a month! Her diagnosis is Lewy Body dementia, but that can only be diagnosed at autopsy, so we will probably never know. I'm glad I got out years ago and that she doesn't expect me to do anything. He will have to leave this nursing home when or if his savings are exhausted, so both she and her brother are hoping their father dies before that happens. If he were in his right mind, he would probably hope the same; I am quite sure he never wanted to be the burden to his children that he is. This isn't good advice, but just to let you know that even an RN daughter doesn't want to perform personal services for her father.
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What is the difference if they pay you or the facility. Nothing. I had my Mom for 20 months. I hated toileting. I actually was glad when she went a day without a bowel movement. How do u know Dad is having trouble dressing? Just taking longer? Doesn't match. Let him be as independent as possible. I put my Moms clothes in sets. Pants and top together. Easy for the aides and easy for me to tell when something is missing. In rehab I only took in what she needed for a couple of days. So I put her pants, top, bra and socks on the same hanger. Maybe something can be done like this for Dad. If he needs help, just have him pay the extra. I don't think u want to be there at 7am and again at 8pm everyday. Like said, let the AL do it.
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I refuse to dress/undress my mother. Flat out. Won't do it. Ever. I would suggest this. Find out exactly how much it would cost to have the home do it for you. Then pick up an extra day of work or two and pay for it. It appears your siblings honestly do not have the time in their days to drive over and do it, so quite honestly, this falls on you. If you don't want or can't do it, then pay the home to do it for you. If your sisters are willing and able to share the cost with you, then all's fine. Perhaps a selling feature for them would be if you volunteered to do other things for your dad instead of the dressing/undressing. Maybe say if you don't have to help him dress/undress, then you'll show up 3 days a week and help him with his meals or read to him or (if he's able) take him outside for a stroll. Anything to show your sisters that you aren't refusing to help him dress/undress simply because you don't want to be bothered.
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I would absolutely not feel guilty. If it is affordable, help with hygiene,etc is a normal part of assisted living. I have helped my mom with these things when she is not at her facility and I'm happy to, but once she is back at her facility they take over. I can't be there every day and it is important that she learn to trust the staff who are skilled with such things. If it were my dad as in your case I don't know what I would do. When my dad needed this type of care, my brother helped. There is dignity involved for both of you and as someone mentioned you would be tied to something twice a day, every day. You have a right to your own life. I am grateful I can spend time with my mom and I do handle all of her bills and arrange and go to Dr. Appointments with her gladly, but she is in assisted living and paying a lot for the privilege, part of that assistance is helping with daily living tasks.
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Really, that is why the Assisted Living facility exists....to assist your elderly parent. Even if you did it twice a day, every day, who will do it if you are out of town or ill?
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Does your dad even want you to help? This can be very hard on their masculinity. Although we have a caregiver, occasionally I have to help my husband and it is humiliating to him.
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Your father sounds amazing! They don't make 'em like that any more, eh?

He may be right about the quality of care point, especially if your sisters are both experienced, trained hands-on care professionals. Good for them. You're not, though, are you? It seems unlikely that you could make a more skilled job of washing, dressing and transferring than a professional.

You are there for your father. You love him very much. Neither of those things implies that you would be any good at providing personal care, let alone that you "should", you "ought to", want to do it.

You decide what's right for you. Nobody else. Okay?
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So many people have offered excellent advice here and all along the same common thread. So if you don't heed it, then you are not listening. You are your own person!! Which means you get to make your decisions. Not your siblings. Setting your boundaries are vital to good mental health. You've already done that when you wrote to us at the beginning by saying what you don't feel comfortable doing. There...now hold to it. Your siblings can try to not have boundaries by encroaching on and not respecting yours, which by the way is what they are doing. I loved what Surprise said and also here is a good quote stated by an earlier poster "You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind! ". He is in AL for a reason to provide assistance with needs of daily living. Let them do it! And as for the fall risk, that's good enough reason right there. You be his daughter...not his nurse aide. Now give yourself permission to have a sense of self and good healthy boundaries. If you can't then go to a therapist for her to help you in this and give you support. Let us know how you proceed.
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Your Dad needs help dressing. He gets dizzy. You are 60. What happens if while you are helping him dress he gets dizzy and takes you to the floor also?

My Mom was a faller. She was a tiny woman but she took me to the floor with her a couple of times.

Siblings, especially those who we have strained relationships with will question "how did this happen". Will siblings be there to help you out if you get hurt?

I am with those that posted before me. Pay for the extra help.
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I agree with Surprise completely. If detaching a bit is hard, some counseling might help you overcome life-long patterns and also set boundaries in other situations.

At 60 you may well have four more decades of life. Since they are older you may outlive your siblings. Start preparing now for a life that doesn't include constantly worrying about what other people think of you. Go into your older years free from that heavy burden.

You don't want to do the chores your family wants you to do. Say no. Use Dad's money to pay for the assistance he needs. At 101 what is he saving it for? A rainy day? I'd say it is pouring right now! Or are your sibs worried about decreasing the amount they might inherit? Tough! Dad's money is for his care, first and foremost.

If you can't bring yourself to say no, keep posting here and we'll encourage you! And/or see a counselor and have the first session deal with this issue.
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Dear Pam,

I hear your struggle with this decision. I have to agree with the others, please do what is right for you. I'm the oldest in my sibling group and I felt responsible for taking care of my dad. But I was angry with my siblings for not wanting to do more. I know everything is 20/20 in hindsight, but I wished I found a better balance. At 101 years old your dad is lucky to have all of you trying to advocate for him. As long as he is safe and well taken care of and you continue to visit him, I think that is all anyone can ask for.
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I can relate to this topic because I have a personal reluctance to provide personal care for my mother. Above all else, I wouldn't want to buy into a responsibility that would keep me tethered to one spot morning and evening every day for an indefinite period of time. But leaving that aside, I don't want to do bathing, dressing or toileting for my mother. I will never agree to do it, although I suspect that she expects that I will do it if she needs me to. I won't. That's where I draw the line. I don't want that level of intimacy or familiarity with my mother's body. I just don't. I've done it for other people without a problem but NOT my mother.

This is already becoming a problem because I'm usually the one who takes her to drs appointments and procedures and several times the aides have called me in to help her get dressed and undressed. I muddle through that with as little hands-on contact as possible, but I would never agree to do it as a general rule. Yesterday, a doctor came out to the waiting room to give me directions on what Mom should and shouldn't do while on the toilet, and I asked him "Have you told her this?" No, he thought I was in charge of her bathroom activities. Noooooooo!!!!!!
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I missed that he was in AL. My mother is in the MC side and according to my tax guy, money paid to MC is completely deductible as a medical care expense. If it were AL, there is documentation to obtain. Tell the POAs!

Boundaries are the line you yourself set to define what you do and don't do, and what behavior you tolerate. You don't tolerate dressing your father. That's fine - it's a personal choice and has no bearing on if you are a good person. The problem comes when you state your boundary and your siblings don't like it. This is where a talk therapist will help you come up with ways to politely decline to change your boundary, but in a wide variety of situations. This is not just about your dad, but about your whole life of being pushed around by the sibs.

I'd say step back, say no, and let the POAs make the decisions for care while you say NO, firmly. He has a POA, and the dr has said to get help, so I don't understand why there is a concern whether he likes it or not. It's a medical need so it gets done, just like a walker. I'd stay out of it if the sibs try to pull you in more.

Have you considered volunteering for hospice as a visitor? You sound incredibly sweet and compassionate, and there are families who would love to have you come sit with their loved one for an hour or two while they run to town or get their hair done. This would also give you a schedule so your sibs might respect your boundaries more.
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Jeannegibbs, I will be 60 next month. My Dad prefers us kids do things for him, he thinks we do a better job.
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What does your father want, besides not spending money? This really is your decision, Pam. But want he wants might be a factor in your thinking.

I overheard a conversation between my aunt and mother, when they were in their forties. Knowing someone who just went into a nursing home prompted this discussion:
Aunt: After all the things I've done for my kids, they better not ever think of putting me in a home!
Mom: When I get to a point where I can't take care of myself, I want strangers to do it. If someone is wiping my butt it better be someone who chose that job and is getting paid for it!

In my 70's, and having been a caregiver, I'm with my mother. I would not want my sons or daughter-in-law or step-daughters to take care of my most personal needs. I could imagine living with any of them, but not after I could no longer take care of those things.

If your father would prefer not to have his children help him with this and you prefer not to, that would certainly settle the matter, I would think. But even if he wants your free service instead of hiring someone, you still have the option not to do this.

BTW, how old are you? I'm guessing 60s or 70s ?? You certainly can decide how you want to spend your time!

About your siblings: My three sisters mean the world to me. We don't always agree but we respect each other even when we are arguing. I like my three brothers, too, but the bond isn't as strong. A deep and sincere relationship with siblings is invaluable.

But it doesn't sound like your relationship with your sibs is deep and sincere. Your brother gives you the silent treatment because he disagreed with a decision about your parents? Unthinkable! If the relationship is soured that easily, it simply wasn't very deep on his part.

I suggest detaching from them a bit. I don't necessarily mean see them less often, but start giving their opinions less importance. Perhaps your relationship could be more cordial, but less profound. Don't rely on it so much. Do you have a few close friends? You can develop deep and sincere relationships with them.

You are a capable and valuable individual. You comfort level and quality of life is every bit as important as your dad's. Keep that truth firmly in mind!
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Countrymouse, yes, I do constantly worry about what my siblings think. My brother got ticked off at me when we were moving the folks in 2015 and only speaks to me now  when he has to.  And my relationship with my sister that lives here is also strained.
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Here's a little more background. My Dad is a WWII vet and is 101+ years old😍. He uses a walker to get around and only takes one pill a day for prostate cancer diagnosed when he was 81, 2 antacids pills in the am and eye drops am and pm! Pretty amazing! He and Mom lived in their own home up until May of 2015, thanks to my sister who helped them out tremendously. That's why I moved back in 2013 to help out. Mom got dementia so it became impossible for them to stay at home. It really took a toll on Dad. Since Mom died last year at 93 Dad has declined. He doesn't have much strength left and gets dizzy. He fell last Monday, I took him to the ER and thankfully he didn't break anything. That is what precipitated the additional care discussion. He is ready to die, he wants to go dance with Mom again.
We do currently have an aide come in to bathe him, up until then I was the one giving him his bath. I am divorced and never had children, that may be part of why I don't want to have extra care responsibilities.
Both of my sisters have worked in nursing homes so they are used to taking care of the elderly.
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