My dad has dementia and multiple complex health problems. I have POA and myself and immediate family all help with managing his finances, doctor's appointments, weekly visits, cleaning his old house, etc. Even though he's in AL, it's still a lot of stuff.
His siblings (all out-of-state) went from being in total denial to giving unsolicited advice. They want him to go back to driving his car, take extra supplements, get unnecessary medical equipment, and go back to his unsafe house. I think when they call him, they talk about what he should do and what we are doing wrong. Only 1 of them has visited twice for a short amount of time.
I had been updating them about health stuff when they've asked, but now I think I will only let them know if there's another life or death emergency. We tried to explain things repeatedly, but they don't get it. How do we deal with this?
Or just cut cord, walk away and be done. If they call ignore call or lie through your teeth.
Protect you and your loved one 1st and dont worry about the rest. You've got enough on your plate.
Very wise advice.
No, we recently moved him to an assisted living community. Before that he was in a big house by himself.
Then tell them that they are welcome to come and take care of him and get him moved in with them so they can take their own advice. If any of them took you up on this, be sure they understand it is a permanent solution, as you won't contribute to him being pulled hither and yawn.
Or maybe like barb asked, do they have dementia? Maybe you could say, you know, since you can't wrap your head around the reality of dads situation, we should get you checked out, it can run in the family ya know.
I'm just being smart, but I think when people make our lives harder and they haven't even seen the reality because they won't come visit, then they don't deserve respect or regard, just a good solid dose of reality upside their heads.
I am truly sorry that your dads family is making this so much harder for you and your family. I know first hand how much work you do, even though he is in AL. Find a way to tell them to mind their manners in a way that works for you and keep repeating until it sinks in. I agree, no more information for them.
I had a bad migraine the other day after a few long group texts from them. I've tried being polite and explaining things but they say things like "he sounds fine over the phone." He doesn't, but they are not really listening to him either and dominate the conversation.
Like everyone said, I will just cut the communication down. I sometimes wish they would visit before he declines more or the worst happens. Not for me but for my dad. But on the other hand, seeing the issues in person is not a guarantee they would "get it."
People see what they want to see. Eventually, I stopped telling them and just did what I wanted to do. Now my sister sees it ( since my mother treats her cruelly like she has me) but my brother still thinks she’s a little confused 🤷🏻♀️. It’s not worth the additional stress trying to convince someone who would rather not see it.
"If you want to see how things really are, then come and see for yourself."
"If you want things done your way, do them yourself."
"When I need your advice, I'll ask."
Be blunt and rude if necessary. Surprisingly, when you push back, they'll learn to respect you. They might not like you, but they'll respect you.
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Learn to change the subject by saying something like "I worry about my dad more than you can imagine. Can we talk about something else?" If they won't let it go, end the call.
We women need to firm up ours as well. We tend to be too nice and too concerned about what people think.
I'd also ignore any calls or texts that you don't feel like answering. Some questions and comments from rude and nosy relatives don't even need a response.
I think that "elders" in many cultures think of the next generation as "kids" no matter how old or how expert.
The thing is, you are your dad's POA. He trusted you when he was competent to do the best for him. You owe his siblings nothing, nada, bupkis!
"Would you like to take over his care? Please feel free to sue in court for guardianship if you think you can do this better".
"Dad has dementia; it's a progressive disease; that's very said, but it means that those of us who live him need to work together to keep him safe; safe might not be the same as happy."
Ask if they've read Atul Gawande's book On Being Mortal. Tell them that your have been tasked with making hard choices; mostly, it's a matter of choosing the least bad choice. There is no longer a "best" choice.
And one more thing. Just realize that they have NO clue what you are dealing with. They read the stories in the popular press about how elders are being over-medicated and "warehoused". You know it's not what is going on with your dad.
Be grateful that you know what the right thing to do is and ignore the "noise".
Then put a little pressure on them... it would mean so much to Dad if his siblings could come visit, see his new place and based on the doctors assessment you know the sooner the better so both they and Dad can have some memorable visits while he is still active and able to engage the way he wants to. He doesn't want to spend all his time with them bedbound and not remembering them visit to visit...it would be so helpful for you too...
That’s when we see people’s true colors, isn’t it? Anyone can stick around when everything is fine. Real family and friends are always around when you need them. The people who only offer lip service don’t matter. The people who criticize unfairly don’t matter either. You did what was right. You know that. It hurts not to be acknowledged but those people never will do that, nor would they ever be humble enough to admit they were wrong or apologize.
Cutting the information flow sounds like a smart way to deal with this. You have no obligation, and quite frankly, you have enough on your plate. It will minimize their ability to basically make you feel guilty about a decision that is already difficult enough.
And unless you really think someone is going to come up and kidnap him, your time responding to their ignorance is wasted. (You could be doing something to preserve your own health and sanity, like sitting on the porch reading a book on NON-elder issues. Methinks that would be time better spent;)
I hate to say it, but a little passive aggressive can go a long way as well. For us, it was the only thing that finally got people to back off. “I realize it is common for people to be ignorant of the inner workings of dementia and that makes it hard for you to understand. Luckily, you can just be his sibling... his doctor has it covered. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, just walk down memory lane... any experienced professional would say the same.”
I also went so far as to share a “when he says something that seems odd, check with us first... what you are hearing may not be accurate. That will save you the embarrassment of falsely accusing the people taking care of him (us).” :D. That doesn’t sound like it would help in your situation, but I thought I would throw it out there anyway:)
I don’t know your people, but some people just hear nothing unless it is a little off-putting to them. This, by the way, is not my norm. Most of the relationships DH and I have are wonderful because they are healthy. If I have to engage in mindgames with people to maintain relationship, I just choose to withdraw from the relationship.
Unfortunately, this was a skill I had to foster simply to survive our years of caregiving.
And NYDIL... love your story:)
And I'm the same way about not engaging in mindgames.
I agree with other posters who say you don’t owe any explanations. If you want to tell your side, simply remind that that you were trusted by your dad to have POA and you are doing what you feel is best.
They have nerve to question you and by doing so, they are insulting. Your dad doesn’t need confusion and you certainly don’t need additional stress and aggravation by people who call themselves “family.”
If family members can’t act like loving people than why should they be treated like family? They can’t have it both ways, right? Why should they think they can insult you and you will treat them with respect?
When my Dad moved into a senior facility he actually had MORE freedom. He was so happy not to have to worry about his house and what was next on the list to fix. No more worry about lawn mowing, and snow shoveling. Ekkk, at 95 he use to be outside shoveling!!! No more worry if the house needed a new roof, or if that strange noise was from the plumbing [it was], etc. And no more stairs to worry about. Donated the car, sold the house.
My Dad felt he could spend his free time doing whatever he wanted once he moved to the senior facility. He liked the physical therapy so he looked forward to that. But if he wanted to spend all afternoon watching an old movie, he could :)
And if there was a storm outside, he was comfy not worrying about weather damage. He had a much rewarded peace of mind.
Unfortunately, if the person has dementia, there's no way to get that across. Then, add to the mix clueless family that can't be bothered to come visit, yet seem to have all the answers!! GRRRRRRRR.
PandaMom, YOU owe these clue-free people absolutely NOTHING in the way of explanation(s). I mean no disrespect, but anyone who thinks a person with dementia should still be behind the wheel (ROFL, REALLY?!?!?) and living alone in an unsafe environment is just...stupid and delusional, sorry, and does not deserve any sort of ANYTHING except for you to smile and then say "Piss off".
Janner makes a good point- limiting the crazies' access to him via phone might help keep them from filling his head with unwanted trash.
I am not as nice as you. SMILE.
I went through this with my own brother. I kept having to reinforce that it was unsafe for dad to live alone in his house, that he had forgotten to pay his bills, became lost while driving, etc., etc. I could tell that bro did not want to believe that these things were happening. I think it was just denial on his part.
His sibs may never acknowledge your dad's needs or your good care-giving. They could be busy-bodies in general, or they could be feeling particularly vulnerable and afraid for your dad's and their own futures. It's hard to see a sib become frail.
What do your dad's doctors say? You can certainly speak to these relatives for yourself and that is completely sufficient. You can tell them their suggestions feel like criticism when you are doing all you can to help your dad. You can ask them to back you up instead of putting you down. But if you're feeling bombarded by aggressive people, it can help to share the "blame" and say, "this is doctor's orders" or "his doctor says no". You can come up with a stock phrase - be a broken record - and use the same reply every time they start criticizing...."That won't work for him." or "That wouldn't be safe for him." or "The doctor says..." They don't have to understand or agree.
The greater need for your intervention is if they are upsetting your dad with their "advice".
I will start using "That won't work for him" on my husband when discussing his dad. That way, it'll be easier to remember when family members swoop in with their "advice".