I've been taking care of my mother for 10 years now since I was about age 16 and she started getting older.,I dropped out of highschool and got my ged and still taking care of her,she's 300 pounds and 63 years old,suffers from incontince due to butt surgery and she's absolutely frightened of outside world, she suffers from agoraphobia and hasn't been outside the house these last ten years unless it's with ambulance people . I love her to death and over the years I didn't mind taking care of her as with it I had a roof over my head,warmth,food, a somewhat stable life I run the house,pay bills,cook,clean,pick up her pills,dishes,laundry,everything . a therapist I visited once told me I had unhealthily codependency and I had a bout of very bad depression and so I tried to come up with hobbies to keep me going, bike riding,reading, spending lots of time online. About a year ago she threw her hip out and couldn't walk the distance to the bathroom anymore and thus had to start using a commode chair which I cleaned and would wipe her butt and change her diapers , again I didn't mind, it was depressing though and I felt burn out massively . Then not to long ago she developed cellulitis leg infection was admitted to a hospital and that infection turned into sepsis. She got better but sadly she came home to soon and thought she could do simple rehab at home. Once here though she discovered that she just didn't have the strength to stand at all, so now she sits on the couch with a bunch of underpads under her and when those pads get dirty I try to sorta tilt her and put new ones in, but I'm a 25 year old woman clocking in at a weight of 174 trying to move around 300 pounds by myself. I'm also now wiping her butt every single time she poos , I have her lean forward and I use baby wipes. It's so exhausting and my back hurts and i put icy hot on at night to sooo my joints. We had home healthcare services out here and since my mother can't stand they've declared her unsafe and won't come out anymore, I've been in contact with department of social services aging and they are looking for a nursing home place for her but they say because she's on Medicaid, is 300 pounds and incontinence, the available places are slim and right now there's nothing available and some places just flat out won't take her.i feel such a burnout, I know I'm depressed, I don't have anyone else to help with this , I'm all by myself and have no other family, I know we can't afford a caretaker program to come in because at her size she's going to need atleast two , i miss the days when she could stand, it was so much easier then, I cry at the drop of a hat these days and then we argue at the fact I'm crying when she's the one who can't get up. We nitpick and argue and then we cry and apologize to eachother. I got accepted into a college but I don't even know if I could dedicate any time to it with how she is now. I just needed a place to vent and whine and not feel so alone in this.
Normally Medicaid could be a solution in finding a placement but if her weight and incontinence are issues, I don't know what any alternatives are.
I feel for you; it's very difficult and depressing to feel trapped in this kind of situation.
Are you still seeing the therapist? Does it help?
The fact is, you MUST get out of this situation, for your mother's sake, and for yours. It is, indeed, unhealthy (for both of you). Is she on a waiting list for the facilities than can handle her? That would be a good first step.
Can you go to college and support yourself? Where will you live? At 25 you need to be self-supporting. Student poverty is a suitable lifestyle for now, if you can manage it.
You are facing two practical issues: how to get mother placed where she will get the best care available for her, and how to manage to get your education.
And you have a huge emotional challenge. A therapist can help with that.
I will pray that they find help for you. Cheryl is right. If you left, and poice were called to do a wellness check, they would not be allowed to leave her there as she was.
Something to consider if you haven't already yet is getting a "court appointed guardian" for her. If you google it, and your state, there is information about what it is and how to get it done. You have to let people know that you are no longer capable of providing care for her, because your own health is poor. Mental health is equally as important as physical health. Just because you can physically provide care, doesn't mean you are healthy enough to continue. Long-time caregiving can cause a kind of post-traumatic stress like syndrome. You need to really consider seeking mental health care for yourself for this. You're not going to be any good for your mother if you have a breakdown or develop other physical health issues from continuing to care for her.
It sounds like whichever social workers you've dealt with don't understand the breaking point you've reached. You have to decide that you're not going to take no for an answer, and not leave them alone until they find placement. Social workers are often overburdened with cases, and if there is a family member who they believe can provide care, it's easier for them to just leave it up to you. I would become incredibly persistent. I would tell them the situation, exactly as you have told it here, I would tell them that you are no longer physically or mentally able to care for her. I would call them every day to see if they have a placement for her. Out of sight, means out of mind. You have to make yourself a consistent presence and let them know you won't stop until they place her. It sounds like nonsense to me that they can't find a bed for her. Nursing homes care for incontenent overweight people all the time. They are taking their time because they lack a sense of urgency. Tell them that if they don't find a placement for her by the end of January, that you are just leaving and will call adult protective services. Then call them every single day. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
If she has Medicaid already (home care option), then she may qualify for respite days in a nursing home. See if you can take advantage of that. Sometimes, once you are in a place, it's easier to transition to the long-term care section. If the home care agency you dealt with has determined it's unsafe for her at home, then they have to find a placement for her somewhere.
If that doesn't work, the court appointed guardian would be the next best route. It may be a good option for you anyway, because even if your mom gets placed, you will still have the burden of managing her financial situation. A guardian can be appointed to do all of that. This may be the way to go. Then you can be free to care for your own needs and work on your own health.
My heart really goes out to you. The hardest part may be examining yourself and figuring out how you are enabling this situation to continue. What have you said no to that you could have said yes to? What have you hidden to show you are capable of caring for her, when you no longer can? How have you been emotionally manipulated by your mother to keep her in her current situation? You have to be real with yourself and ask yourself these questions. Then, you have to claim your power in this situation, and move forward with determination to create a new one.
I understand the guilt and obligation that can keep you stuck. You have to gather your courage and fight for what YOU need to be healthy. I have a good feeling that once you decide to do this, the way out will become more clear. Be persistent. You can do this!
& have her put in the hospital & let the proffetionals take care of your Mom & have the hospital place your Mom in a nursing home.You have to stand your ground & not take her back home!!
Your own health is deteariating .You are burning the candle at both ends.
You also need to get some help for yourself.Don't let guilt get in the way.You have did your best all these years..
I had to place my sister in the hospital & walk away.They then had to find a nursing home for her.My sistuation was different then yours .Good Luck to you
& your. Mom.Your Mom needs medical help that you no longer can provide to her.
All I can say is that my own son recently turned 18, and I would honestly rather die than have him give up his young-manhood (or any part of his life) to take care of me the way you take care of your mother. I want to see him out in the world, living and enjoying his life, doing what he loves--all the things you should--you MUST--be doing now. You deserve a life. You deserve to go to college, fall in love, find a career you enjoy...whatever. If you were older, and had had a chance to do all those things and then really felt that you wanted to be home to care for your mother, that might be different. But now you need to get out.
I know that you love your mother, and I'm sure that she loves you and appreciates all you do. But I can't imagine that she really wants you to give up your life for her.
When she was discharged from the hospital where she had the surgery that made her incompetent, did they not discuss options for homecare, etc., with you? The "discharge plan" they're required to provide should not include a young woman wiping her overweight mother's butt for the foreseeable future. Where does she go for follow-up care now? There should be a social work department there--as others have said, you need to make it very clear to them that you need to get away to go to college and that your health is failing from trying to take care of your mother on your own, and that they need to find a way to help you.
Others here on the forum probably have better, more specific information on what steps you need to take, but please listen to them, and take them. I don't like telling people what to do, but you're concerned enough to have found this place and posted about your situation, so I'm giving you my opinion.
One question that came up for me (and I'm sorry if it's too personal or intrusive, but it seems like one you might want to ask yourself)--do you have anxiety/fears about your ability to negotiate college and the "outside world", or interacting with peers, at this point? Is there any possibility that something like that is holding you there with your mother? It's not unusual, and if it's the case it's nothing to be ashamed of, but if you think it might be the case then please try to address it with a therapist so that you can move on.
Again, you sound like a wonderful person. The world is waiting for you, and I KNOW that there's a solution to your mother's situation that is loving and caring but doesn't require your giving up your own life.
Love and all the best to you and your mother over the holidays.
You have gone way beyond caregiver here. This is not only not good for you, but it is not good for your mother.
If she is admitted to a nursing home for respite she can be considered for long term care at that facility. In order to get respite you need to contact nursing homes in your area and tell them you need have her there for a specified amount of time. Yo do not need to give them a reason.
The other option is to have her enrolled in a " medicaid managed care" program. If she is on medicaid - there are many insurance companies who get money from the medicaid system for her home care. You will get a case manager, physical therapist, nurse, and be entitled to home attendant services.
Though all of this is available I still believe that getting her to a hospital is critical. She will eventually develop many medical problems which I won't go into here but if you cannot care for her ( and you can't) let the hospital get her in satisfactory medical condition to have her go to a nursing home. All hospitals must make " safe discharges". It is their responsibility to place her in a safe environment. ( that does not mean you) .You can let the staff know that you are unable to care for her. You are not obligated to do that. You can love her but that doesn't mean give up your life for her. This is not healthy for either of you, Your own situation is another story. One for which you might want to seek out help . Be strong and brave and do right by both of you. Call the ambulance...
I too had to "drop out" somewhat, of college (really just curtailed my hours) to take care of my mother who had severe depression and wouldn't leave her room. I had 3 younger sibs and no one to take care of them. Daddy paid me for quitting my job and basically dropping out of college to run the house and try to care for mother--but it was SUPER unhealthy, both mentally and physically.
Crawl, beg, plead and never take "no" for an answer as to getting your mother help. You are still so young and still have a whole life ahead of you. You've done 100xs more than was "expected" or required.
Keep seeing your therapist. Get out as much as you can--try to do online college classes if you can't get mom moved...I'm so sorry to hear all this. She is only a few years older than I am, and I would NEVER ask or expect ANY of my children to give up their lives for me!!
You are at a point now where not being able to keep mom clean is going to cause more infections, less mobility, more problems. Lying still in bed, with ANY weight on the joints can quickly wear the skin down..and THAT is nasty.
Please try to get an advocate in your corner. Sounds like you are worn to a nub. Even when mom is in a care center of some kind, you can still see her as much as you feel you want. Her physical care is just simply too much for one person at this point. (Even IF you had a "lift" installed, they are NOT easy to use and a lot of training would be needed to help you. They are also no easy to use by one person, in NH's usually 2 people are needed, esp with your mom's weight issue.)
Vent away and don't be a stranger here. You can't say anything that we've not heard already.
Good luck--and prayers coming your way!!
I re read your post. Please get BACK to the therapist ASAP. You are going to need the emotional support. I'm no pysch dr but I can see you in fact DO have an unhealthy codependency problem with mom. Your therapist can help you walk the path of having a healthy relationship--trust me.
You are in a bad situation and it has to stop. You are 25 years old, having dropped out of high school to take care of your then 53 year old mother who was obviously disabled due to her weight. The fact that she weighs 300 pounds is a major problem, not your fault & you shouldn't have to take care of her because she is unable to adopt a healthy lifestyle to lose weight. The morbid obesity is the #1 problem here. She has to help herself---you simply CANNOT ruin your body at 25 years old taking care of a 63 year old, 300 lb woman. It also sounds like you do not have any social life, friends or family to go out with, talk to, vent to. That is VERY UNHEALTHY. Your entire life is wrapped up in a morbidly obese woman who is completely dependent on you---at 25 years old, this is not a lifestyle you should be living.
One thing to know is that it takes much longer for long term care facility placement from outside of a hospital----placement occurs much faster if a person is in the hospital & ready to be discharged because insurance will no longer pay for the hospital stay & the hospital wants them out. A bed is found pretty quickly when a person is to be discharged from the hospital. Perhaps she should go to the emergency room for something---shortness of breath, chest tightness, etc.----just to get seen & possibly admitted, and then when she is to be discharged it must be determined that she has nobody at home to take care of her & she cannot take care of herself.
It sounds like she does nothing to help herself either----that is a big problem. And not to be mean or rude, buy you are also very overweight, and this is also a big problem. You don't want to be headed in the same direction as your mother. Since you are in control of the food shopping, cooking, what your mother eats, etc., you can control what she is consuming. Do not buy junk food, fast food or processed food. Your mother must be put on a calorie restricted diet. Do not buy chips, cookies, cake, candy, ice cream, etc. Buy fruit & vegetables, low fat meats. Have your mother drink water instead of sugary sodas or juices. She must be put on a diet that burns more calories that she is taking in----and with her extremely low activity level & slow metabolism, we are talking somewhere around 1,100 to 1,300 calories daily.
You need a life. You need goals. You have done nothing but take care of your mother for 10 years. I assume that you have not had a "real" job. You state that you were just accepted into a college. DO NOT FORFEIT THE OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO COLLEGE BECAUSE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOTHER. That would be a colossal mistake. The reason your mother is in this condition is her own, and you should not be held accountable to responsible for her. I am assuming that both your mother & you are on social services assistance---food stamps, Medicaid, welfare. Do you want to live that way for the rest of your life? Or do you want to have a job, make your own money, be independent with your life? I can't imagine that you want to continue to live on welfare for the rest of your life. Your mother must put some effort into helping herself, which she is not going to do if you are there 24/7 wiping her butt, changing the underpads. If you go to classes, study & get a social life, your mother will have to sit in her own excrement unless she helps herself or until you come home. She probably doesn't want to sit in her own excrement so she's going to have to learn how to do something for herself----get to the commode or bathroom, clean herself up. Basing my judgment on your post, you probably are at her every beck & call, clean her up immediately after she pees or poops and she doesn't have to worry about sitting in her own excrement. If home care services will not come back because it is an unsafe situation, that says something----and you are putting yourself in the middle of that unsafe situation. You are going to get hurt trying to lift her & if she falls, she is going to take you down with her, which is not going to be good.
You mother may also be a candidate for bariatric surgery. She simply MUST take that extra weight off. Sitting on her butt all day, not moving is only going to make her fatter & more difficult to move around. Stop caring so much about your mother & start caring about yourself. I know that sounds harsh, but it is true. You are 25 years old with no life other than wiping your mother's butt. Your mother is on welfare so it's not like you are even getting paid for it. That roof over your head, food & warmth are being paid for by the taxpayers, not your mother.
I agree that based on the information you shared, your mom requires professional assistance - not because you've failed in any way - but because it is beyond the scope of what any one person can possibly do. It's clear your heart is in the right place, but you have to separate yourself from this role because there are too many risks to your own well being. Think about it...Have you not grown into a woman who's identity is entirely defined by caregiving? You're too young and have far too much untapped potential to be sentenced to a life of martyrdom. Imagine your peace of mind knowing that your mom is well cared for by a staff of providers, the feeling of a very heavy burden being lifted and letting go of any guilt you may battle because couldn't do it by yourself. There are so many issues that need to be sorted through and all your well-intended caregiving in the world isn't going to treat things that require professional attention. As a caregiving daughter, I personally would harbor serious resentment toward my mom - whether I showed it or not. How unfair that your mom has been complicit in your slogging through life for her personal benefit. Next time there's any question whether or not your mom requires a trip to the E.R., have a solid plan for yourself in place. Do NOT let anyone talk you into her being discharged home. Be strong, be firm and stand your ground - with discharge staff and your mom. Brace yourself for the guilt trip that may be laid on you. You have to extricate yourself and get your life on track. I wish for you the strength to see this is not your purpose and find comfort in knowing you're saving both you and your mom..
I agree with simply calling an ambulance for something--breathing issues was mentioned. Get mom in "the system" and let the case workers see her. ASK for a home visit. Turn yourself into APS. Whatever it takes to get attention.
DO NOT turn your life into one caring for your mother. I am 60, and the thought that one of my girls would have given up college, dating, travel for me makes me stomach turn. I will put MYSELF in a facility before I'd do that to any of my kids. You mother could well live for 20+ more years. Please, please get counseling and check back in. Your story has haunted me all day.
The Overlooked Caregivers No One Ever Talks About
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-no-one-ever-talks-about-165631.htm
A lot of great suggestions have been provided in other comments.
Please be strong and take the steps that are needed so that both you and your mom can move forward into your "new" lives.
For her , it could mean moving to an assisted living facility, where she get the help and nutrition she needs. For you, it could be having a life going to college or just a life that only involves taking care of yourself.