Mother: I love you so very much.
I think you know this on a certain level.
I no longer know what to do. My hands are tied.
My heart breaks for you.
I want you here but I don’t want you to suffer any longer;
These are two seemingly contradictory wishes.
As I pray for you to live through each and every crisis, at times I wish you could just go in peace.
I felt guilty at first for having these feelings, but I now know that both come from a place of love.
Either way I suffer. But it is not about me; this is about you.
Oh my dear God, please do what is best for my mother.
I miss you, yet you are with me.
I love you, yet I get frustrated and angry.
It is not you I am angry at, it is this awful disease that strips away your dignity, independence, and the very essence of you.
I will try to remember the good times,the way you gave to so many throughout your life. Your unending patience.
Oh my dear mother, you do not deserve this.
No one does
My heart goes out to you. How brillant of you to write down your feelings. I hope it gave you some measure of peace. A dear friend of mine had these same feelings, most of us do. At one point she told me she had realized it was not her Mom's journey but in fact hers. As I struggled with my Mom's situation she gently remined me it was my journey. I did cry with Mom's Hospice nurse once and we spoke of the "journey". She did agree most family members are torn between please let the suffering stop and please dont' go. I pray for your peace and your Mother's also.
I crowed about Mother's Day in a couple other threads last week.
I'm happy to report that last night, I had a dream that my mom and I had a normal conversation. Just 2 adults shooting the breeze.
In real life, this simple pleasure is something that fell away so long ago. I truly can't remember the last time Mom & I had an exchange that didn't leave me shaking my head....or angry.....or profoundly sad about our "new" reality.
Very grateful that my subconscious gave me a snippet of the good old days. Which I had no idea were the good old days at the time....