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cattails: I really really love the "cookie jar" idea! I thought you are going to say, I need to eat cookie more often. I'm glad it was not,LOL. I am kind of looking forward to get to try this cookie jar idea. I was at therapist and I had a pretty good session today. I was able to talk to my mom a little longer than before and I did not get uneasy feeling as much. I am not sure if this was just for today, but I will keep trying.

bandit8it: I am glad to hear your husband have friends. We do have small Asian community here but most of people there are a lot younger than my mom(80). I am glad at least she have few friends who speaks her language , they go to lunch or come over to the house here and there( about twice a month, I know it is not enough but everyone have their own lives too...)

Today was about my 9th therapy session. Since I have never been to therapist before this, it probably will take a bit to get hang of it. And to even know if she is a fit or not.
Today, my house was a mess all day. I usually like to tidy things up a bit here and there but i decided to focus on being nicer (which means to talk to her in my case, instead of avoiding her......) to my mom. It was still a short one here and there but it was a lot better than what's been for a while.

Thank you so much everyone !
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Andy it sounds like you are doing great you have become a good friend to me and the others-I am not a caregiver myself-the husband died almost 3 years ago he was in bad health but the end came very fast -he had been having fainting spells for months about 2 times a week but came of of the quickly and that Tue when the NH called I asked them not to send him to the hospital until I got there but they did and this he was critical and was on life support and was nonresponsive on and off on wed he was worse and on Thur after hearing his brain was not functioning and his heart was failing and only was alive because of the meds we-my two adult children and my granddaughter and I and the docs decided to take him off all meds except got pain and the breathing tube -he died 12 hrs ater at 4am on Fri morning.
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195Austin: Thank you for your support! I read your profile, and what you wrote above. It made me to think, that I have been living with my mom 10years and that's part of my life now either I like it or not. And I am taking things for granted, almost thinking she is going to be there forever. It was good to read what you wrote above, it made me realize that my mom may be gone sudden like what happened to your husband. I may not even have time to say good bye....
So, thank you for reminding me and I think it is great you still are here in the caregivers forum and helping people like myself and others!
When I'm in the middle of the doing ,sometime it's hard to see things clearly.
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Andypandy,

I totally understood what you were doing when you wrote all of the details about what you feel towards your friend asking for favors. Doing this does make one put their thoughts down, and get it all out of their system. Some people even do this on paper, then burn it up.

I had this friend, who used to ask me for favors. Quite honestly as time went on in our friendship, the favors, in my opinion became too assuming of me and my time, needless to say too demanding. The reason i was saying yes, or keeping silent, when in fact I should have been more assertive with her, is #1. "I was afraid if I said no, it would ruin the friendship, or something like that." #2. My friend was a very demanding person. I too became resentful when she would ask me for these favors, as I felt "how dare she ask me for that kind of a favor." I would not ask that kind of favor of a friend. So, feeling resentment, brought attention to the fact that there was something lacking in me, as if I could not stand up for myself. The other part of it, the fact that my friend had a variety physical disabilities. While I was always helpful, assisting where that was needed, some of the favors asked of me as time went on that became too much, had nothing to do with her physical disabilities. They were about her mis-management of money. She lived way beyond her financial means.
Eventually, I had to give this friendship up. It ceased feeling like a friendship.
I feel better for it also.

I realize it is difficult trying to balance a friendship, especially if this person does provide for you social and some kind of an outlet from your responsibilities at home. But, this person should not make you feel bad, If this is what is happening, nor should you put all of this on yourself. You are by no means a jerk. You do, and have had this responsibility having your mom living with you, for 10 years. Now, you have a baby! So just try as other posters have suggested, saying no. If this friend reacts negatively, then it sounds as if your friend is missing the whole point about what a true friendship should be. A true friendship should not be based upon favors. Be nice to yourself, Love & Light, Margeaux
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Andy, I applaud you for trying something new: letting the house be a bit messy in order to spend time talking with your mother. Some days that feels do-able, and some days, for me anyway, I just don't have the energy to give any more than I am already giving by doing the laundry and cooking and cleaning, etc, etc. We do what we can on any given day. You sound appreciative of your mother, and as though you are sincerely interested in her having a good life too. I think that it's natural that you get a bit tired sometimes...then, when a friend from outside the family asks something of you, it's too much. Family, maybe there is no choice. If mom can't go to the store by herself, for example, that is what is. It's reality. But your friend's reality is not your responsibility. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and also the things that have been working for you as you read the comments here and try new things. It's nice to hear a little "lightness" in your latest note! : ) warm regards, bandit
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Andypandy, my mom is 92 now, with Alzheimer's, about Stage 5. She still recognizes us, and people she sees regularly. But her cognitive skills have declined, as we can no longer hold real conversations w/her. I am the visiting caregiver. Mom lives in her own house of many years, w/my sister.

Just until very recently mom's older sister, who was 93, was also living there, until Jan., she passed away. They had lived together for many years already, and before, my aunt became more confined to the house, and before mom's diagnosis for Alzheimer's, mom still drove. They had been part of a senior center for over 14 yrs. But in the last few years this all came to a complete halt. They now were home bound. Especially last year, mom didn't want to leave the house, and didn't get much exercise, because she didn't want to leave her sick sister behind. Now that her sister is gone, we are doing different things so mom can get some mental and physical stimulation, instead of being only watched by the caregivers.

Anyway, I was just thinking about this aspect with your mom. Do you have the Chinese channel, or some kind of broadcast, she could entertain herself with, and even if you are there with her and your baby during the day, it could relieve some of the time in which you mom could distract herself, and also be alone. Even if you are there with her, think of things to would enable you to accomplish this. Does she still read? I do know you've mentioned about her eye.

We bought mom some super easy puzzles, to get her mind occupied for a bit.
At first, she engaged in it. But a week ago, I asked her if she'd done any puzzles, and she said, she didn't want to do any. Oh well, all we can do is try, right?

So if you keep an open attitude like this, maybe it could help the perspective aspect of this.

We too, have a 6 mo. old baby in the picture. My sister (main caregiver's daughter)
made my sister a grandma. Now the baby comes a few times a week to mom's and the caregiver are also watching my great nephew. Our mother is so happy and distracted with this. Hugs! Margeaux
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AndyPandy~it really does not matter what your reasons are for not wanting to babysit for your friend. I would be straight with her by saying you can't fit it in with caregiving to your mother and raising your daughter. If she does not understand then I would have to say she is very selfish. I had a couple of "friends" when my daughter was in kindergarten/first grade. It became clear to me that I was only a babysitter to them and I made myself unavailable to them once I understood what they wanted and sure enough, when I was not available they dumped me. It was a hard lesson to learn because I thought we were real friends. The truth is we are very blessed if we have a couple "true" friends in life who stand with us during the good and bad times, unfortunately "true" friends are rare. When we have priorities such as yours, we find out who is a "friend" and who is a user. Enrolling your mother in English as a second language classes is a good idea. It will give her an independence that will change her world. Take care of yourself and find some time to spend with those "true friends," let down on your responsibilities from time to time and you will feel better♥!
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Margeaux: Sounds like your friendship situation is very similer to mine. You went out of your way to be kind! Either this person was this way to begin with or did we let them become this way with us..... Balance is a hard thing to fined, I feel like it changes daily or weekly in my case. Right now I'm starting to think that "who really cares about me?". I do have up and downs with my mom but I know she loves and care about me more than my friends do. That's probably true in most peoples case. It is not easy thing to do , but I really need to think my priority is my own family. Margeaux, your mothers family must have great genes to live over 90! And still recognizing you and most people around her is such a blessing, sounds like your effort to keep her busy and company her is working positively. Yes, my mom does have her own language channel(just one channel is available) for 24hours,she get one magazine every week and two more magazine monthly. Even after she lost one eyesight, she seem to enjoy very much.
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bandit8it: I am feeling much better than last weekend.This forum really helped me and I really appreciate everyones comment and suggestions. Not only forum helping me about my friend problem, it's making me to think a lot abut my mom and what caregivers go through in everyday life. And you are right about " It's reality" , this is how it is for me ,I want to try to make best of it without taking on too much....it is soooo hard to make everyone happy.


sharynmarie: "unfortunately "true" friends are rare", it is so true. and I totally understand how you felt in your situation too! When there is "them" it is probably worse. I think I'm in the middle of learning hard lesson.Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am trying to take it easy on myself so I can be more cheerful and communicable to my family. Right now my house is a kind of jumble mess but I'm ok with it.
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We, as women, are caretakers by nature. With a young, active baby and a mother to worry about, you certainly have a full plate. There is no reason to feel guilty. You do not have to explain yourself when you are not up to being responsible for another person's child. There is nothing wrong with that. Why put yourself in a position where you are going to become overly stressed. That isn't going to benefit anyone. Instead of making excuses, just be truthful. You can say that you have been a caregiver for a very long time, with little reprieve. It is nothing personal, but you have alot on your plate, and you would feel terrible if something happened to someone else's child. Now, addressing your needs: you need to look in your community for possible adult daycare programs. More and more programs are being created and many of them are free or of little cost. Having your mom out of the house for several hours a few days a week might be the break you need right now. There is nothing wrong with needing a few hours to ourselves, even if that is going to get a manicure or getting your hair done. There are many ways to obtain inexpensive services, even if you check out local cosmetology schools or a massage school. So, don't feel guilty about not wanting to babysit someone else's child. You certainly can have a play date and invite a few women over with their children. This way, you do have interaction with other women of your own age and with things in common. Hope this helps.
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Andypandy, you really seem like a smart cookie. You are taking good care of your mother and giving her stimulating things to enjoy in spite of the language barrier. You seem willing and able to learn new approaches to try. Working on a mutually rewarding relationship with your mother is a far better use of your energy than feeling guilty about saying no to an acquaintance. I see good things ahead for you. Hang around here and share your experiences and successes with others who need a little encouragement.
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ild1227: You said "Instead of making excuses, just be truthful.", that's what I should of done at the beginning! I somehow ended up saying too many "yes" at the beginning of friendship , and it was too late to start saying "no" without feeling awkward. I definately nedd to learn someting from this....so it won't happen again.
It's almost like dating....LOL. It takes time to get to know someone.
Adult day care is a wonderful suggestion, if my mother could speak English....
Thanks for mentioning massage school, I used to get very inexpensive($15 for one hour! ) massage from school, I need to get back doing something like that again.
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jeannegibbs: Thanks for the encouraging words! Ohnestly, I was not doing a good of job caring for my mom, but right now I am very willing and wanting to make a small steps to make some changes. LIke you said, "mutually rewarding relationship" started to be very important to me. ANd I know that will help her and myself both. I am so glad to have found this community here online and very much want to help others too.
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Boy, do I know about being too easygoing. I've done it most of my life. I am learning at this stage to be honest with myself and I do say no, even if it causes controversy. I try not to be insulting, but direct. If I continue to say yes and I'm resentful, then there is no point in doing something if I am going to be resentful in the end. My mother, now 80, taught me that and she is right. If we do things with anger and animosity, then what's the point? I have been doing simple things for myself lately, and the guilt seems to disappear the more I do little things for myself. Oh, as far as your mother not speaking English, many places do have translators, and you can also look into local high schools and colleges, as most schools now require community service or internship programs for graduation. They can come to your home and spend time with your mom, and you can request someone that speaks her native language. You can also check into organizations through your state. The Office for the Aging, United Way, or even a local community or church or synagogue could assist you with a volunteer to accompany your mom to a program for a few hours. There are so many programs out there, but it's too bad there isn't a directory that provides these resources to people.
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ild1227: I just started to do little things for myself too, and what a surprise to see a little differrence in myself! I hope this feeling continues in me..I just have to see how it goes...
Thanks for suggesting "community service or internship programs for graduation" I am not sure if anyone can get a benefit from talking to my mom(since she is 80) ,but this is soemthing I have never thought of! I know the high school have her language program, so there is a slight chance this might be possible, since my mom does have plenty time to talk to someone if they want or choose to. I read your profile, I am very surprised that you do take care so many elderly people! I am also very encouraged by the fact you are in school. At 47(me), I was kind feeling like my life is pretty much set in so many ways and too late start something new(because I am too old...,lol), but to hear you are taking classes makde me feel, nothing is to late! As you mentined above post, just in case "controversy" may happen to me, I hope to work bettering myself to keep my mind occupied with good things and to find strong self.So I can handle a little caos here and there.
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Good Morning to All,

The sun is shining beautifully through my garden window right now as I post.
I couldn't agree more with Sharynmarie about how few and far between the REAL friends in life are.

I find it interesting also, that in some cases while we are trying to maintain, learn about prospective friends, sometimes can be so time consuming. This ex-friend I wrote about w/physical disabilities, when I first met her I realized that she by the very nature of her conditions, would need assistance if one chose to be her friend. She was blind, when we first met and later regained her eyesight. She was also suffering from brain fogginess. Later, she regained her sight. But her condition, is such that she will always have to completely be in touch with her health if she is to function normally, or her health can get compromised.

Anyway, as I got more acquainted with her, because of her physical disabilities, I somewhat felt at a loss about her behaviors at times. Although I was aware that she was in great need, but then I'd notice she'd start to ask for other favors too, not only of me, many others.

On one occasion, she, asked me, whether she could use something regarding advertising concerning my husband, on her website. I was a bit shocked at this kind of a request. Honestly, I became annoyed, at her nerve. But then politely explained, that, "NO," I don't think my husband would agree to something as such, as it had to do with copyrights, and well when you hand something over to people to post on their websites, who knows what links those may be attached to etc. Legalities.This was the truth about the matter. She then called my husband up a few days later on his cell phone to ask him the very same thing. I was beyond myself with this woman!! I had listened to her many woes for several years now about her health, financial problems, been her friend. I felt very stupid and betrayed. I finally realized, that even in situations where someone is needy by the very nature of their physical abilities, we must be careful, if these people start to tread on our boundaries, and ask us for inappropriate favors, under the guise of a friendship. I finally also was separating some of what SHE called brain injuries to plain out aggressive and overbearing behaviors. .

In you case Andypandy, this is what I noticed and may have missed earlier, is the playdate and the baby sitting. You will really have to separate out the two of these. But honestly, how could a person who is a friend ask you for baby sitting , also given you have your elderly mother and your own baby? So try to tune in to other clues with this person. This is what I realized in my situation, because these people can really drain us of precious time and energy.
Happy Memorial Day! Love & Light, Margeaux
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andypandy~By no means are you too old to take classes. I have taken classes over the years at the community college as well as at the local adult school and there are many people attending who are older than me (54). I took a computer class once and there was an elderly couple in their 80's taking the class. This couple had been in the class for many semesters and were taking advanced courses while I was just beginning. You may be able to take a class during the same time that your mother is taking the ESL class.
Yes, Margeaux is right about this person asking favors. If you really tune in to her, you may very well find she is asking many favors from others as well. These kind of people I believe really have no clue how to be a friend and probably have no real friendships with others that last more than a few months before they are "friends" with someone new. It is a drain of your time and energy having to maintain a relationship that is high maintenance and certainly not worth it for you and your family. A big hug to you for doing somethings for yourself, you deserve it♥!
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