I'm at my wits end...new here.

Save your sanity and move out. The abuse will only get worse. At 46 you are entitled to your own man cave. If they cannot manage without you, let a social worker check their welfare and decide what to do with them.

When I read "Why should I get up; there's nothing to do" right away I thought your Mom would really enjoy living with others of her own generation... she could make new friends... enjoy what the retirement facility has to offer... and there is staff who will be doing the cooking and cleaning.

The TV channel changing is sheer boredom on her part, she needs to be around more mental stimulation. Boredom could also be the reason for not bathing, it's like why bother. I do realize that some of is from memory issues, too. I have heard on this forum where other parents have improved going into assistant living.

That way you and your brother can continue on with your life, you can care for your Mom's cats [they would less stressed], and maybe your brother will feel better, too, because the household would be much calmer. It's something to think about.

Is she being medicated for her depression ?

"Why should I get up; there's nothing to do" indicates boredom and that is often associated with depression. Neither is surprising with diminishing vision and early stage dementia.

The first step is a visit to the doctor. Put your concerns in writing (as you have done for us) and get it to the doctor before the visit. There is no cure for dementia, but there are treatments for depression. First see what can be done medically.

The next step (in my opinion) is to provide some stimulation to combat the boredom. I suggest looking into an adult day health program (adult day care). Often they provide transportation and a hot lunch, and sometimes also have services such as giving a shower, cutting toenails, etc. My husband went two or three times a week and it was very good for him and for me as his full-time caregiver. It is a reason to get up, get dressed, try to look nice, and take an interest in something. Usually you can sign up for 1 to 5 days a week. I can't say enough good things about our experience with it.

I would hope that going to an adult program a few times a week would produce some improvements. If there is no adult program near you or if you try it and it doesn't work for Mom, then the next step probably is to consider placing her in a care center where her needs could be met. This is really too much to expect you to handle on your own.

So have you had her vision rechecked by an ophthalmologist? Find out for sure what's going on with her eyes. Maybe she needs a lens changed if she had cataract surgery. If she could see well, that would ease a lot of your issues. The other suggestions are good too - get her treated for depression and find her some activities with others her age. Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm sorry to hear that you are bearing the full load of care-giving. It is really not easy and you need help and time to yourself to de-stress. Since you are the youngest and your siblings have 'reasons' why they can't help you, can they all chip in to hire an aide to give you a break? Even if the aide can only come in a couple of days a week it'll give you a break and something new to stimulate your mom. This might help with her depression - someone new to talk to and interact with. That in itself would help you especially if your mom's attitude improves. My mom is getting hospice care right now and the aides that come to the house have all been really nice and a big help to my dad and I. I think they charge about $10/hour and that's not bad. And if it works to make your life easier it would definitely be worth it!

I agree that she needs to see her doctor and thin she needs a neuropsychiatric evaluation, then treatment for whatever they find - likely meds of some kind. A has been suggested, some day time activities would be good for her, and possibly placement in a suitable facility where the staff can deal with her. Dementia is a hard in everyone and the loss of short term memory is often one of the first symptoms. I think it is important that you find out what is happening. Boredom and depression are one thing, dementia of some kind is another and some dementias need different treatments from others. My mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia this past year. The first symptoms were loss f short term memory and also paranoia. She is properly medicated now and it makes a huge difference.

Thanks for all your advice and suggestions...Pam I can't move out for a couple of reasons...I have nowhere to go and no money to do anything. I'll be totally honest here I'm also struggling with depression and also a substance abuse issue that I've battled for 26 years and honestly I'm losing atm...I'm telling you I can't deal with Mom sober but when I'm feeling great it seems I can handle her better... I know I need to get myself better but when I go without my DOC I'm soooo irritable and sad and mad at the same time...can't deal with her bs at all and I won't...I'll go to my enclosed porch which is also my bedroom that's next to the kitchen and living room; no privacy whatsoever and pop in my earplugs and just cover myself with a thick blanket and tune her out!!! Which I know is the wrong thing to do or I'll just walk out of the house and go to my friend's house. Then she gets pissed and instead of doing whatever she has to do she'll sit there and pout like a petulant spoiled child!!! Anyways Pam I digressed...I can't go anywhere besides she can't be alone when she's trying to cook, which is another issue cause she can't see very well she won't ask for help she'll just crank the stove top burners to high and then she goes to sit down and watch TV...I keep telling her she needs to pay attention to her cooking but that's like talking to a brick wall...I can't count how many times she's burned whatever she's cooking or she'll leave a towel or oven mitt on top of a burner or too close to one and the house is filled with smoke and SHE DOESN"T NOTICE!!! Or maybe she does and expects me to jump up and fix the problem whatever it may be...I digressed again, haha see when I talk about her it gets my gears going and I can't stop!!! It's kinda cathartic to me strangely... She hasn't been to see a doctor in a year or two cause I got tired of setting up appointments for her and when the time comes she doesn't want to go anywhere just sstays in bed!! She only has Medicaid and they don't cover jack shit so I have to get her MassHealth coverage which I have to get downtown to pick uup an application, fill it out and return it. Don't have a car so I have to bus it or try to get someone to give me a ride down and back...

I know she needs to live in an adult care facility and she would be cared for and all her needs addressed but for her that's absolutely OUT OF THE QUESTION!!! She will not leave her home and mostly her cats; they are her sole concern, even before herself. She doesn't trust that I (or we if you count my brother, which I wouldn't) would care for them, feed them and make sure their litter is cleaned daily WHICH I DO ALREADY!!! I could go on and on but I'll stop for now... Thanks for understanding....David

Gee whiz, Medicaid would pay for a nursing home. Talk to some of them, they have to help you with the financial aid process. You stay in the home with the cats until she dies. Might be better than what you have now.

Totally know what you're up against.My solutions were:
Get on a schedule.Be firm about it.Be professional. Forget she's your mother between 7 AM/ and 8 PM.
Do not argue.
With my mother...
I tell her I have a life ( not true but I like saying it).
I put on a channel she likes and take the remote telling her flatly I will not be in again unless I am passing by the room.She will get angry. Ignore it.
However recognize that she may just using this as way to have company.Loneliness and the feeling that her body is betraying her causes depression and aggression.
7:30 PM My mother gets ready for bed under supervision.
Bathroom, hand wash, ( other) and pajama's. I stand outside the door and tell her I'm waiting.Offer help if she needs it.
We have grab bars (everywhere).I encourage her to do for herself. If she refuses I insist and will do it for her.She knows I am good to my word and does not want my help though in a pinch she has come around to accepting it.
Lights out at 8 PM (she's 94).
I monitor her but do what I need to do for myself.
She is awakened at 7AM and up whether she likes it or not.
Bathroom routine, wash, dress, breakfast.TV on to her favorite show.
Most days I find jobs she can do.
I wash her clothes, she folds it.I insist as it helps me and keeps her busy and useful.It's important to feel you can still be useful.
She is responsible for dusting her room every other day. I give her the dust cloth and polish, shut the TV and say "time to work!"
Helps keep her mobile as well.
We put a Christmas tree in her room. I left the decorations for her to do as she see's fit.
Don't take "no" or encourage her pity party.
It won't help her or you.
She's blind, not dead.The blind learn to get around.
Your life is not over and the experience of caring for your parent is the best training you can get even if you aren't paid for it.

LISTEN! to olmaandme. SCHEDULE!.Put your foot down. My god, you are the one literally cleaning the cat litter, that gives you the POWER! He who cleans the sh*t gets all the votes.Let her holler,tell her to call the police.Don't be held an emotional hostage. No one is beating on her door to do the things for her that you are currently doing, she couldn't afford them. You are basically unpaid live in help. And no, it's not the wrong thing to do to go to your private area and put your headphones on, you are trying to preserve your sanity.As far as the cooking I see that as the most immediate danger, cut the d*mn circuit breaker or gas to the stove OFF! Also make sure you have a handy fire exstinguisher and smoke alarms with working batteries.Take charge of the situation, she starts to cry,give her a box of Kleenex.As far as cutting the power to the oven, I wouldn't ask her permission, both your lives are in danger from her behavior, she does not have the right to endanger YOUR life.

My thought on this is that all of the prior comments are good! Also you should insist that she not cook! If she is blind and she may have dementia, cooking (or using anthing that may cause a fire) should be off-limits! As texarkana says, turn off the stove and oven - microwave, too. Anything that could cause harm to her and you should be off-limits. This should be non-negotiable.

Hi Atwitsend. Have you put your mom on a schedule? Please remember you really are in charge here, what would she do without you? It concerns me that she can't tell if it's day or night....or is she manipulating you? I would think if you can't tell the light from the dark you are blind....I mean completely (?) Get in touch with the services that are available to you and her....like medicare and there should be an office for the aging where you can get help and an assessment of her and what services would be available to her....like adult daycare. Has she been diagnosed with dementia, because some of what you are talking about do fit the bill - anger, paranoia.... Take her to a neurologist (some specialize in memory disorders again you're in charge here don't let her say no (I know it's hard especially if she throws a tantrum) and if you need help with transportation check out Catholic Charities (you do not need to be catholic). I think this may be free or pay on a sliding scale. You should not be abused and the more you let her, the more she will do it. I mean really ? she wakes you up to change channels for her? Please be proactive, the more you do the better off you will be. Let us know what is going on and HUGS to you.

Hey all....here again to vent and blow off steam cause if i don't I think I would punch a hole in a wall I am THAT aggravated with Mommie Dearest!!! It comes down to the issue of her #1--- being lazy...and #2---accepting the reality that she cannot see very well to cook...and the thing is she will put something on the stove then go sit in front of the TV!!! Like always she burns everything then blames it on me..."why wasn't I watching it??" I usually cook but she always criticizes my cooking so I'm like "well if you don't like my cooking, you're welcome to cook for yourself or go to a fancy restaurant"!! She'll try to cook but she overdoes it with some of the ingredients like the olive oil which we use in some of the food I cook...she can't see well so she pours like a freakin' gallon into something I use about 2 tablespoons or so. Then she cannot see the burner dials so she just cranks it all the way because she has no patience for the cooking...she wants it hot like yesterday and the thing is she cranks them up then GOES AND SITS DOWN IN FRONT OF THE TV!!!! of course she forgets and if I'm not watching she'll burn everything...You would think the microwave would be easier for her BUT NOOOOOOO...she likes to heat up milk for her coffee and let's say half a cup of milk...i know it takes 1 min 45 secs for it to get to a boil without it running over but she can't see the buttons so she pushes the most convenient one which is the "start" button which is only 30 seconds...I've tried over and over to show her the buttons : 1 for 1 min, 2 for 2 min, 3 and so on...the micro beeps and she takes out the milk which of course is still cold so she starts her b*tchin' and puts it back in and pushes...of course the start button again and it goes on and on with the damn beeping and doing it again til I get fed up with the beeping and do it myself!!! Right now as I type this she's sitting there complaining that there's nothing good to watch...I can sit there (and I have) and change the channel over and over to different programs and she will watch for five or ten min then start the "that's junk!!" routine!!! I've asked her countless times "What exactly do you want to see??" and get no straight answers...

I'm getting frustrated just writing this with her yelling at the TV like it's the Tv's fault that there's nothing but junk on....usually at 8pm when her usual programs finish that's when the whining begins...gotten to the point where I'll change the channel twice maybe three times and the last time i'll tell her either watch what I put on or don't watch anything!!! Then I'll go to bed and insert the ol' earplugs and tune her out...Honestly I'm really sooooo worn out by her antics...I treasure the early mornings and afternoons when she's sleeping and I have the house to myself!!! I dread it when i hear the shuffling of her slippers in the hallway...like my mood just drops like a lead ball hitting the floor!!! I know what's coming....first the twenty questions she asks me every day: What day is it? Month? Did the cats eat yet? Did my sister call today? Is there money on my card (bank card) My sister is in charge of her finances and adds funds to her debit/credit card in case we need stuff from the store. If we need anything I'll walk to Wal-Mart which is nearby and pick up whatever we need...if she's up and about right when I get back from the long walk from the store she'll ask if I bought cake or cookies or chocolate instead of telling me BEFORE I LEAVE or call me on my cell and tell me what she wants...that would be too easy on me...I've tired myself out writing about this, you can imagine how tired I am when i finally crash....Thanks for being there and reading this!!! David

David, go back and read the previous 13 postings.... and read them again, and again. You need to start taking some of the suggestions to heart because you'll no longer have a heart due to all the stress. Then who will take care of your Mom?

I could make a few suggestions, David, but first I'd like to know which suggestions from last December you have tried, and how did they work?

I will make a an observation, though:

Your mother has dementia. You are treating as if she still has normal cognitive skills. That will not work. Not today and not next week. Keep up what you are doing and you'll keep up having the same frustrations.

If venting here helps, you are welcome to vent. If you want a solution, you have to be willing to make changes.

Has her eye doc checked for another cataract? My mom had cataracts done in 2003 and the synthetic lens became cloudy. They did a ten minute laser procedure and she's seeing great in the eye. The tiny hole allows light to penetrate the lens once again. Just a thought.

Olmaandme, I love it! GREAT JOB!!

David, I don't know if you can be an effective caregiver because you seem to have too much contempt for your mother. Maybe you're upset with her because your life has not gone smoothly, with the drug problem and all. Maybe you're upset with yourself because of the job and money situation. This may all relate back to an earlier time in your life. In my mind you need to work on you to get your life in order. It was great your mother was there to fall back on when you needed it. If you get your own life in order and the stress is less, you may feel more kindly toward your family.

I really wish you could encourage your mother to go into assisted living and let the two sons sort their own lives out.