I’m at my wits end with my mother she’s in the hospital she has pneumonia and the doctors want to talk to us before we send her to short term care for respiratory rehab. she’s stopped getting out of bed after she claimed that the nurses let her sit on the bedside toilet for 25 minutes, as it turns out she pressed the wrong button, now she’s stopped eating because she said she had a abscess on her gum, they gave her medication for that. Then she claimed that she couldn’t eat because the food won’t go down they checked her her pain pills go down fine so now they are using a feeding tube. Tonight I was just annoyed with her and told her “look if you don’t start eating and doing therapy you’re going to die! I don’t want you to die but is this seriously your plan after beating cancer?” she sat there and looked at me like I was speaking French and asked what was she doing, then blamed the doctors and nurses for the condition she’s in. By the end of the visit I had it and just walked out the hospital without caring that the nurses were looking at me because I told her she’s not doing one d*mn thing to help herself because the doctors have said she can turn her health around if she just puts in the effort. She’s always been stubborn could care less about my feelings and I’ve had it and now I feel guilty for going the tough love route with her but how else can I get through to her that I don’t want to lose her? Nothing seems to get through that melon head of hers
x and dementia is one of them.
Same things happened with my mom - a couple nurses thought she was resisting or not cooperating, when really she had retropulsion due to Parkinson's and was (rightfully) afraid of falling. I thought she was stubborn because she never put her hearing aids in, though she would wear them and be able to converse better when I'd put them in, and finally an OT told me it was not a good goal for her to learn to do she would not be able to sequence and perfrom all the steps in the process. I could not get the staff to do it; I think she would say she did not need them or they did not work, because they really just make it easier for you to hear, nothing is super dramatic about it, and she assumed that people were just bad mumblers. She did not want to die, she wanted to go back to living on her own, which she would do if only she could walk (not really the case, but that's another story) but PT was scary and hard because she was so weak, and she rarely did much with it. We got back to walking a few steps with a walker but never back to car transfers. She'd wave her hands a little and think it was full participation in an exercise session. But when she was passing, I told her she'd done the best she could, and I know from her point of view it was absolutely true.
I've wondered if some people have a broken pleasure center in their brain. I have a friend whose son killed himself 2-3 years ago. He was a wonderful boy, but he said he could never feel happy no matter how he tried. Nothing brought him pleasure. He lived in misery that he could not shake. With him I do think the pleasure center in his brain was faulty. He had a wonderful mother and life on the outside.
Unhappiness among elders is so common. When we discuss it with people, we often get advice about what we should do to make their lives better. We can end up feeling like we're not doing enough to keep them happy. Sometimes we need to face the facts -- if antidepressants and activities don't work, then maybe there's nothing we can do. With my mother there are three things that bring her pleasure -- TV, sweets, and salty things. Going places can give her a very temporary boost, but it doesn't last. Her antidepressant isn't doing anything. She's diabetic and a little overweight, so sitting and watching TV while eating sweet or salty things isn't good for her. But what can you do? I have no answers other than telling myself that it isn't my fault.