Between a rock and a hard place.
I am only a part-time caregiver. My mother lives in her own home and is in very early dementia so is still capable in terms of making decisions. However very ill with heart failure and cannot do much. Husband and I do all that we can, except we do not take her to doctors, except in an emergency.
My brother does the doctor part, always has, but lately he is bailing out. I truly don't know what to do. My mother doesn't want anyone else to take her to doctors. She is very set in her ways. She and I speak frequently and she tells me about all that ails her. She has severe heart failure and was just hospitalized again and came home. We took her to hospital ER that night. She is now home again but ill. She tells me all about it, but will not tell my brother.
Yesterday she had frightening symptoms and would not tell him as he is "busy and she doesn't want to upset or bother him" (her words). She will not go with husband or I to a doctor. Brother has POA as well, complicating things. So I emailed my brother telling him the situation and got back a curt "I am very busy and you do no one any good complaining about her. I just called her and she is fine". I wrote back that I understood and would no longer email him, but that she is telling a different story to him than to me. No reply.
I just do not know what to do. She is so set in her ways but she is also afraid to tell my brother when she is in trouble. He treats me and my other brother like we are bothering him if we call him about anything. He refuses to recognize that we are all busy, that we all work full-time ), and that we all contribute on a regular basis.
Spoke to her after stopping for several days. Reality changes daily. Now she is angry with him again, then it is me. the other brother has copped out (emotional problems) and cares but cannot really help much and lives far away.
Today was awful with her. She just got angry. She told me something completely different today from what she told me a month ago and it is important. I called her on it and she denied it. And now she wants to move out of her place again because of the cold. If she moves out, she loses Medicaid. But no one can tell her this or they are mean. Yes, I am mean. I just am not cut out to do this. She scares me all the time; then tells my brother she is fine because that is all he wants to hear, or that is what she says. My husband is now getting tired of it all too. I don't know how you all do it. I don't.
I have more problems with your mom than with your brother. He's not a saint, but your mom needs to get the picture of who is helping her and giving them the tools to handle the situation. Get your other brother (where is he in this whole thing by the way?) to work on mom to give you POA and be the one to take her to the doctor. You can only do what your mom lets you do. She's making those choices. You say she's still able to make decisions, so until she changes her behavior, you're stuck. But don't blame your brother - it's your mom's doing in my book.
Thank you all for your comments. We are all coming from different experiences, and difficulties.
You are all wonderful caregivers ... a dying breed, I believe. And, I commend you because I cannot do it myself alone, as many of you do.
Jackie