Boundries are important
It cannot be emphasied strongly or often enough how important it is to set boundries. The sooner the better. Under "On your mind" I wrote "People treat us the way we allow (and sometimes encourage) them to." The "honeymoon phase" - when we allow ourselves to look at an eldercare situation with rose colored glasses we set ourselves up for defeat.
The fact of the matter (may not want to face the truth, but it is neccessary) many elderly and disabled individuals will take complete advantage if they are allowed (sometimes encouraged) to. I read many comments here to the effect of "The more I do, the more s/he expects". Ask yourself why. . . Most often the answer is because you answer the call (demand) all the while complaining and seeing self as the dutiful child . . . You cannot blame spouses, siblings, those who "don't help enough", or even the person who you are trying to help, who has now become the monster of your nightmares. You have allowed yourself to become the slave. Many are furious at others for not allowing themselves to become enslaved too. Mysery loves company - sorry, but this is true.
You want Mom or Dad to die fast? Here is the recipe - do EVERYTHING for them! The best way to care for a disabled or elderly loved one is to require them to be responsibile for as much of their own care as possible. Before anyone jumps on me, I live this. I have lengthy experience with caring for elderly and disabled loved ones. When you do everything for them, require nothing of them, consider them the "poor pathetic invalid" you have taken away their self, and frequently their motivation, as well as their will to live.
Set boundries without guilt. Leave the drama at the door. This is not about proving love. It is about quality of life. Quality of life for both the elderly/disabled and for their caregiver. We ALL have limitations. Setting reasonable boundries is not bad behavior, rather it is the most loving and kind thing we can do for ourselves and our loved ones.
Peace.
I will say that in some cases you do have to do most things for people and make special exceptions for them. If they are totally disabled, immobile or have dementia, then you can't expect them to take care of their own needs or do chores around the house. There are always some exceptions. People with dementia can't be expected to play by the rules or maintain boundaries. They just aren't capable.
"require them to be responsible for as much of their own care as possible".
Setting boundaries can be a delicate balance; it's not always easy to determine where the fine lines are.
But I don't think that boundary setting applies only to eldercare; it exists in workplaces and marriages as well.
And there are also the people who take pleasure in doing nice things for others; some of them are religious people, others are just good people and volunteer to do something to help someone in need.
Some families like to keep feelings inside, don't speak up, let others take advantage, mooch, lie, steal, and generally make you miserable, but don't say anything, because you wouldn't want to make them feel bad! WHAT? lol If only we could make them feel bad, maybe they would act like a caring human being. I don't think it's possible to make some free loaders feel bad. Not even if you stayed up all night, you couldn't do it. lol
I think that the wrongdoer should feel bad, not me. I'm the good doer. Better that I speak up, say what I won't tolerate and then let the wrongdoer go off and get their act together. Oh well.....I guess it takes all kinds.
Now I hate driving, have major panic attacks if I need to drive more than a couple of miles... I would lose sleep the night before out of worry. I should have owned a monster truck where my parents couldn't climb up into it !!
Melody Beattie in Beyond Codependency states that “setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go, or who we’re with.”
*Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we do and don’t deserve.
*Boundaries emerge from the belief that what we want and need, like and dislike, is important.
*Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of our personal rights, especially the right we have to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves.
*Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust, and listen to ourselves and to God’s Spirit.
*Boundaries enable us to be both separate and connected.
When the boundaries listed above have been developed, a healthy sense of self emerges.
End quote
I found this very insightful, since I knew intuitively what boundaries were, but did not see the central them of self development and preservation. I can see how some people have these boundaries of self infringed upon by family members. Without good boundaries we can end up like Cinderella, scrubbing floors and waiting for Prince Charmin (or the angel of death?) to rescue us. But how do we set good boundaries and self-worth in a dysfunctional family, since we quite often are not dealing with reasonable people? We can end up building walls in an attempt to protect ourselves. That gets lonely.
Again, IMO no one loses self all at once, but rather it is chipped away over time. This is especially true in abusive and/or dysfunctional relationships. Codependency starts early in life and can remain throughout if one does not learn who they really are, without regard for what they have been programmed to believe.
Helping people, being kind, giving, being available, and even sacrificing to some degree are all admirable and important. But we must pick and choose that which supports our moral compass, spiritual beliefs, ethical beliefs, etc in order to be effective in helping others while still being true to who we are.
For example, it would be helpful and kind to help an addict pay his bills - but does this mean he will use his surplus to feed his addiction? Should we leave our doors unlocked because we trust no one will harm us? My belief is that we must take very good care of ourselves physically, mentally, morally and spiritually in order to assist others in these same ways.
Personally my Mom was the opposite of demanding. She tried soo hard to be independent (long after it was even appropriate) that she nearly killed herself in the process. We had to force her to accept help.
I agree with setting boundaries with overly demanding people. But knowing when you need to step in is important too. Yes, we teach people how to treat us. But remember that you also reap what you sow. Set boundaries but don't overstep other peoples either.