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Brother said he would start to help said would take mom for weekend in 2 to 3 wks now 8 have passed and find out they are now at the shore now I feel completely used up by all around me including sister who also has been to the shore, point is that they have had a summer I haven't because I take care of our mother full time so I haven't had the luxury of having a summer because I can't work because of caring for her my boyfriend pretty much supports us and that that relationship is strained that I don't know if it is going to survive and seriously don't know if it should learning how he handles situations I think maybe my best interest would be to get out of her but how can I do that when I take care of her fulltime and cannot depend on my siblings they only give empty promises and begging or demanding them to spend time with their mother is just not my style, I also do not let on to my mother the resentment that is escalating with them so that is another burden I endure so they are still on top in my mother's eyes what can I do so I can have a life peace of mind and satisfaction of some kind of equalness of sharing care

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I so hear what you are saying. I am in the same predicament. I have managed to find at least 20 min a day to do something just for me. Whether it be taking a quick ride down the street for a cup of coffee, or a long hot bath after mom and dad are in bed for the night. Also I try to read a little when I can. One book that I have found so useful is called "The Tao of Inner Peace". Just know that you are not alone in this, there are many of us here!
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I am in the same situation. Finally after 4 years, I am getting a proper vacation. My biggest problem was setting healthy boundaries. Do not let resentments go unchecked but don't act out inappropriately, as I did!! Pick up the phone and talk to your siblings and let them know how difficult your burden is. I made sure they knew of the day to day trials and tribulations I was going through. It didn't happen overnight but eventually they got the picture. Maybe this would be a good time for a family meeting to let them know exactly what you expect of them and also, that you plan to hold them to their promises. Mine tend to talk a good game but no follow through so I had to be on top of the situation when I needed time off. I tended to be passive and resentful until I just blew and that got me nowhere. They will hide as long as they can for whatever their personal reasons and it's up to you to assert yourself and your needs. I found myself being the martyr and just complaining all the time to whoever would listen...finally I hit rock bottom and had to take action. Good luck...you'll need it but it will be worth it.
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This is my first time posting here, maybe i should "favorite" this site...seems like a lot of people in my same situation. Maybe you can get a neighbor or someone from church to sit with your mom for an hour or two each each week (or a couple of times each week). My siblings (who live out of town) have excuse after excuse too...and when they come "home" they want to spend time visiting their friends or grandkids - not helping with our parents, because it's oooohhh SO tiring...duh! I do it all day everyday. I finally gave up on them and started enlisting help from other sources: like neighbors, friends, teenage kids around the area. I might have to pay a few dollars everyone once in a while, but it's worth it! My advice would be to stop hoping unreliable people will suddenly become reliable and do your own schedule of volunteers or helpers. You'll feel more in control of the situation and get some much needed "me" time...
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I would either get your siblings to commit to a specific date or let them know that their inheritance, i.e. your mom's money, will now be spent on respite care so you get a break. No one works a job without allowed vacation time. You have not been allowed vacation time. Point that out to them. Get them to commit to Labor Day, the last weekend in September, Halloween, something specific.
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Both my siblings and their families had vacations away. Both live nearby and know that I never take vacations (I couldn't afford to even before I took on the job of being my mom's primary care giver). I wonder if they think I don't want any. On the other hand, I don't have any other family to worry about - no children, no spouse any more and they do have their problems too. It's not their fault I can't afford to take a vacation nor that I would not take one and leave my mother behind (she deserves new scenery too!).

It's all so complicated.
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My sister and brother seem to be able to find the time for my dad when he's in the hospital in critical condition but when he's home and would love a visit or phone call now and then, they just "have sooooo much to do". They both live within 20-30 minutes of my dad and many times pass the house going places but don't seem to get the idea that the time to spend with him is now, not when he's on a ventilator. I've even said that statement to them. I live with my dad and take care of him everyday and night, taking him to all of his appointments (he isn't allowed to drive anymore), doing his laundry, taking care of his medications, doing his grocery shopping, cooking dinner for him daily, etc, etc, etc. All this while working a full time job outside of the house. What kills me is when one of them does find a few minutes to drop by or call, it's a big deal. If I go out of town or need a night off, I have to ask if one of them can at least get dinner for him. I used to get angry, I used to feel sorry for myself until finally, a few months ago, I made the decision that I would no longer have any expectations for either of them. I hired an outside companion who comes in once or twice a week for a few hours, more just to give him someone else to talk to and a chance to get out of the house without me taking him. I also hired someone to cut the lawn and to clean the house a few times a month. Once I made the decision to not expect anything from them, I am able to handle things better. At least I'm not wasting energy on being angry with them. And, trust me, they certainly haven't been beating down the door with offers to help. I work hard to keep up a good front for my dad's sake but also know that once he's gone, I will erase them from my life completely. People tell me I'll change my mind, that they're my family but, frankly, I wouldn't choose friends who could be so selfish and self absorbed so family or not, I'm done with them. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope you are able to find some respite.
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You know this really just seems to be a common theme in so much care giving. People often say call if you need anything but actions don't usually speak at all after those words are spoken. I know, modern life, time, distance, busy busy busy, but doesn't it just always fall to one or two people, all the work and guilt and care and hassle and everyone one else, just goes on with their lives hoping no one is gonna come and ask them to do something or take a moment out of their ever so important lives to truly help out?

I have a cousin who readily admits she "could in no way do what I do" in looking after my grandfather 24 7 but she also monopolizes conversations pre screen them by saying she does not want to hear about what I am going through and focus on herself, No matter how mundane the issues in her world. She is 3,000 miles away, but those who live in town, have cars and will eventually profit personally from the death of said grandfather, really don't lift a finger, they do not call, send cards or visit. When my mother invited them to a BBQ for the June Birthdays they came, they ate, they cleared out... and by mood and demeanor made it clear that this too had been a chore.

I think that is just the way life and family is. Someone takes on the burden and others back away. Whether they feel guilt for laying it all on the other person I do not know, sadness over seeing major changes in the loved one for the time they spend away the health deteriorates in dollops not drams. Maybe. I don't know. It just seems that one person takes on the burden and needs of the family member AND THE OTHERS SORT OF TURN AWAY AND HOPE FOR THE BEST AND MOVE ON. I'd say a situation where a caregiver has full family support and trade offs of caring on site...is probably very rare indeed.
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But the uninvolved will be the same ones crying the loudest at the funeral, asking why didn't someone tell them he was so sick. I, however, know that I will be at peace, knowing that he will no longer continue to slowly decline, slowly become more and more dependant, slowly losing more and more ability to live his life the way he would like. I will miss my dad's sense of humor. They don't even know he has one. I will miss my dad's interest in other people and their lives. They think he is interested only in THEIR lives and noone elses. I pray every night that when it's time for my dad to move on to bigger and better things, it's while he's sleeping in his own bed, in the comfort of his own home. They will probably blame me for not calling 911 because they wanted the chance to say good bye. I know in my heart and soul that I am doing right by our dad who has done so much for his family, who worries incessantly about his children and if they are ok, who may not be perfect or the easiest to get along with all the time but truly loves his family and would give them anything he could to help them through their troubles. I will be able to live with myself after he's gone. I wonder sometimes if they will be able to live with themselves....
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Once my siblings understood that I was in full charge of Dad's money (and our inheritance) they've backed off a little. They've offered to help more but now I really don't need them like before. I lost my job caring for both my parents (mom passed away in 2007) Dad is 86 and finally moved to an assisted living facility. Where were they before? You know, it doesn't really matter anymore to me. I know I've done the best for both my parents with or without my sibling's help or criticism. I now have a new job that pays very well, is close to my home and to my dad's facility - so I visit him most mornings on my way to work and he's always happy to see me. Things just have a way of working out if you do the honorable thing.
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PVCS, tell your siblings that you are going to take your vacation at their house.
Kdutchess, some people would rather throw money at a family problem rather than do anything hands on. Both ways are needed, so which are they? If they have money to throw, let them, and find a way of relieving your 24/7 schedule. I would tell them it's either their time or money that you need to get you through the care taking. It HAS to be one of the two ways, make sure you put your foot down. It's their mother too.
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naheaton, LOL.
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KDUTCHESS could you try once more and ask them to all come over for a meeting -telling them you can no longer do it all which is true it is affecting your relationship with your boyfriend and you need to let them know that if you do not get enough help he will have to be placed and the system will take what inheritance they think is their due. I had to be the one to speak up and announce at a meeting in rehab I could no longer take care of my husband alone and got more than believable support from the staff and was working on placement just before he got very sick and passed away-I had been waiting for others to notice how hard it was for me and how my health was going down the tubes-even when I was so tired and and just about fell asleep at the dining room table while church friends were visiting NO ONE GOT IT, If you can not do that take his money and hire around the clock care for two weeks and even if you go to the nearest Holiday Inn and rest they may wake up.
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I so agree.....
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I am an only child and i have no brothers to fuss at or you can bet if the one that never took his first breath? Lived? he would be getting an ear full...She IS YOUR MOM TOO....NOW ACT LIKE IT...I think if it were me? I would not call him anymore...Make him do the calling and knowing me the way I do....I would have to say....Soooooo you called...Wanna tell me why? BTW how was your vacation....Must be nice to have one.....
That would be me.......I know it is not u.....But that would be me....So girl I feel for ya...and hang in there.....Our home is being prepared for us with nothing but PEACE......HUGS TO YOU.....SHARON AKA Cc
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