Got a call from moms cousin. Uncle Ron. 7 years ago they where a pair of pure terrors. I've heard all the stories, several times.
When you ask me how she is, I will tell you the honest truth, least from my eyes.... their own mother died from AD. If you cannot handle it the truth, from my life, don't call.
Do they want me to say mom is doing awesome!!? I can't.... i simply cannot.
They "ask" but they dont want to know the ins and outs but they will d*mn well hear it its not ok for just us to go through this alone family should be made to listen to the reality and stuff this "denial crap". I want my sister to wake up as i think shes in lala land and she will fall to pieces when the time comes because she wont wake up and listen to the truth.
I know how frustrating this is and yes ive said to my sister when she tries to get rid of me off the phone if you wont listen why ask how she is?
Yeh just another little annoying thing to stress us out! Next time ask him why hes calling?
he he . pizzed a drug screen at the va two weeks ago that had smoke coming off it . they didnt have to bust me . i told em . i might wash down a zan with a beer but im not a liar ..
At times I think I should put her in that home she is so afraid of....
She is just so mean... so negative.... she's glaring at me this moment.
Yikes
And yes i hear ya the MOST irritating thing "mum sounds in good form" mums quite perky???? come and do my job for a month when the acting gets too much for even her! Mum has her 1st apt with a shrink next wk and none of them know why should i tell them if they cared theyd know!
What is the 'correct' reaction to such a sad thing?
I want my sister to come and stay with mum for a wk so i may have a break she has made all sorts of plans with her friends even nights away I NEED HER here to look after my mum and the cat i think its pretty bloody sad that i cant even have a break because shes so selfish. So dont know where youre coming from?
So I suppose where I'm coming from is that I think it's unfair to expect people to know the right thing to say. Not many do. And as we all agree - don't we? - if they DON'T call at all then we really do think they're complete pond life.
Ditto looloo... I distance myself also but I am starting to feel a tad angry and that is not how I want to feel.
This is just my point sharynmarie... they are wired for positive lies. I'm not. Least not anymore. 95 % of the time mom does not want to speak to anyone on the phone. It is too confusing for her... she "showtimes" so hard that she's a mess afterwards, it's like her brain is so tired of "trying". Which then makes my day more difficult... no win situation and again that vicious cycle.
More often than not, I feel so bad for her that I do so far out of my way to make her happy, which she never acknowledges probably because she no longer realizes it but..... I too, at times.... feel bad, lonely forgotten and ...used a bit? I dunno.... just rotten no matter how it goes.
..
Yes, many times, people just don't know what to do or what to say, and often that can be forgiven--and should be. And sometimes, it's when things like that happen that you see the truth of the relationship.
My mother's sister is 91 and still going. She is further along in her dementia than my mother is, and is in a board and care facility, living across the country. After receiving a very rare email from my cousin's wife (our family is simply not close, we're not really in touch, that's just how it has always been) notifying me that my aunt had taken a turn for the worse, I gave her my number and told her to call if she wanted to talk. She waited several days, then called, but it felt forced, stiff, and uncomfortable. She and her husband have never been good at 'bad news', have a very hard time 'parenting a parent', and they were the ill equipped to deal with me, and my need to not mince words, and face facts. They're good, caring people, but they can only do so much. And they can't provide what I tried to get from them. And I can't over-extend myself to someone who can't reciprocate. That is reserved for my mother right now, and no one else.
Looloo, you're right, it is very difficult suddenly to find yourself trying to be on candid, confiding terms with a person you've only ever seen to be civil to at weddings and funerals. But sometimes they can pleasantly surprise you! My family is distant emotionally and far-flung geographically, too, and most of my cousins range from stiff upper lip to nut-job repressed; but there are two who are lovely women I very much regret not having known better when I was younger. All part of the wonderful dysfunctional family dynamic, isn't it - you can't get away from the cr*p, and you don't spot the diamonds until it's almost too late.
screw people , i aint makin excuses for them ..
Example; My longtime (37 years) BFF volunteers for hospice with her sweet little pup. She goes to homes and gives a few hours of respite to caregivers 3 times a week. She called my parent's mom and dad just like I did. Now, my SIL is also good friends with her as well...have known ALL of us for just as long. The difference? My BFF works with hospice patients, many of them AD/Dementia. She knows exactly what I am going through and has volunteered to come here (on her own) to let me go away for awhile... My SIL sends me nasty emails saying "Shame on you".
I met a nice woman my age here when I first arrived 19 months ago. She cared for her father (he passed) and now cares for her mother with COPD. Her mother used to care for hospice patients. We were visiting them last night when mom had a full out tantrum demanding she be taken home that instant, I wasn't allowed to enjoy my evening and I was to do HER bidding. I mean once again she talked of me killing her because I was making her stay and that my only intention was to make her miserable. I was mortified at her behavior. They however, didn't flinch, just gently tried to calm her and they STILL volunteer to spend a few hours in the evenings with her so I can at least take my dogs for a walk. Heck, they even said to bring one of my dogs along so mom wouldn't stress about her dogs being left alone. (they are all my dogs)...3rd example.; Met 2 wonderful older gentleman (brothers) they cared for their mom for 5 years/dementia. My friends mother used to give respite/hospice to their mom and they ALL pay it forward. When I take mom out for her birthday or just a fun night, THEY ALL attend... mom loves them (most of the time) and they GET IT.
Sorry.... if I was a nicer person, which I am working on becoming. My words would be a bit more nice. This can go back to those 3 C's that was so eloquently posted. Actually it should be 4 C's. Cause, Change, Cure or Control. No we did none of that, neither did our families. My b*tch goes towards their denial and lack of ....lack of.......heck, everything. Strangers give more than actual blood family.
"hi, how is mom doing"?
"Fine, doing the best she can".
crickets for an hour now....
When asked, "How is Coy doing," my usual answer was "about the same," or "he's been a little under the weather this week," or "he had a good day yesterday." I never lied but I tried not to give more information than they really wanted.
It was sort of like the question, "How are you?" Sometimes it is not a question at all but a simple social convention. You say, "Fine, and you?" and then move on to real topics. But sometimes it is a real question, and then you have to differentiate between the people who need a casual answer, "Caregiving is really harder than I expected, but I'm holding up OK." and those very few who you can start to cry with!
We think and assume family should be in the select group who gets the in-depth answers. It ain't necessarily so.