AnnabelleB Posted April 2017
I can't handle this.
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I just can't handle my life. I can't help my mom, I can't even help myself. She wants to go home and live alone 9 hours from anyone she knows, including me. I can't quit my job if I want to survive financially. I can't leave her alone. She doesn't want to go to assisted living. There is no way out. My siblings are complete !*@#%^& a**holes, pardon my language. I'm being tortured by lack of sleep. I understand the advice people are giving, but I can't do any of it. It's all too hard for me. All of it. I'm not kidding. It's almost like everything she is doing is designed to torture me. I wish I had the guts to end my life. There truly is no way out. I don't deserve to suffer like this.
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Just checking back in with you tonight.
The caregivers who hang around into the night are some really great people.
The forum members are still here for you if you need to vent.
AC forum is for informational purposes only, and the caregivers here have no way to help you by reporting your distress to 911, or contacting the forum administrators on your behalf. Nevertheless, people on here have been where you are, whatever you are feeling now, and are very willing to support you as you unravel what can be done to get the help you need.
You were so good to report that you were going to be ok last night! That is love and concern returned back to us.
Do you have episodes of what seems like a panic anxiety attack?
How are you feeling today?
Hoping rest helped you, even if nothing changed in your overall circumstances since last night.
If you keep coming back, sharing, and get some outside therapy, things may improve for you. It was a good start, reaching out last night. You did good!
I am going to repeat one part of my earlier response:
Call APS (Adult Protection Services) and explain the situation. Tell them that you are doing your best to take care of your mother but that you cannot continue. You keep thinking of killing yourself to get out from under this burden. You don't want that to happen, but you are desperate. Can they help? Or put you in touch with an agency that can help?
You can find the number to call by googling Adult Protection Services and then your county and state.
I hope that after a good night's sleep you will be able to look up this number and make this call.
There is a big learning curve with elder care. I did not lose sleep when my kids were infants the way I did when I had to stay at my grandpa's house with him. I saw the same with my mom -- I could hear in her voice when she'd stayed at his house more than two nights in a row. The sleep deprivation is exhausting, makes it difficult to solve problems (makes little problems seem way bigger too), and makes you feel depressed and more trapped than you already feel. If you already struggle with issues like anxiety or depression, it will make it worse.
I read the advice on your other post; some of it was good, some of it wasn't. Take it with a grain of salt.
There are a few things to consider:
1. Your mom wants to move back to her own home - that does not seem like a good idea from what you've said about her needs. You, your sister, and your mom need to talk about whether that's an acceptable option (probably not.)
2. Can your mom afford assisted living? (Prob. about $2200-$3000/month.) If not, does your state have a Medicaid voucher system or was your dad a wartime vet where your mom might qualify for some assistance from the VA? It doesn't matter whether she wants to go or not. Her living in your home does not sound like a workable option. She's going to have to compromise.
3. You should have a Dept. of Aging/Area Agency on Aging in your town. Call them tomorrow if you haven't been in touch with them already. Tell then your mom is incapable of being left alone, you need to work, you are desperate and need help. It might take them awhile to get to your place, but they should send a social worker out to talk to you and your mom and see if she qualifies for help from the county.
Take a deep breath. Many people on here have felt the way you do now. It is very overwhelming and exhausting but it really sounds like your mom needs way more help than one person can provide. You are not obligated to have her in your home. It may not be the best option for her anyway. You will find a way out of the situation -- your mom may not be happy at first but she will adapt. If she has dementia, she just cannot see the big picture and cannot see the effects of the demands she's placing on you.
You and your sister may have to be the ones to make the choices from now on. It is hard to do that, but you will be ok.
Does your mom have a dementia diagnosis? Is she financially independent or does she get outside assistance? How did she come to stay at your house?
I hope you are ok and will let us know how you are doing.
Don't do anything rash. Everything will work out.
If you are just feeling really exasperated because of sleep deprivation and being overwhelmed (which is an awful feeling also) then I think you should call your sister as soon as you can and tell her this situation is not working out. Between the two of you, you should be able to work out a plan for how to handle your mom's situation. I will add to this but was worried about you and wanted to get the numbers up first.
My heart bleeds for you.
Take care