Sorry, this is a long post/question...
My mother is a year shy of 80-years-old. She has a history of depression and anxiety disorder, but though I have encouraged and cajoled for her to get help for almost 3 decades, she has always refused, preferring "tea and sympathy" from me. Twice over the years, I've managed to convince her to go to a doctor for the depression, but she has never gone back after the first visit. She tried Citalopram briefly, but I didn't see any difference.
Except for a handful of blissfully free years when she had a lot of money, and I was able to live on my own, she has shared a house with me my adult entire life, and I have supported her financially most of that time. Any time I went anywhere overnight, she'd call with an emergency. For years, she threatened almost every day to commit suicide. Once I became older and marriage was pretty much off the table for me, the suicide threats calmed down, but she still tells me she would commit suicide if I moved away.
My mother has two problems that complicate her depression and anxiety. One, she prefers to self-medicate with alcohol. She also has the uncanny ability to create serious physical symptoms in herself that are so convincing she regularly fools specialists. Once they start, they can last for months, or until she finds a doctor who tells her there's nothing wrong with her. She then believes the doctor and the symptoms clear up immediately.
A month ago she got drunk and fell. She didn't appear to have any broken bones (no one in our family has ever broken a bone). She'd simply pulled a couple of muscles. I helped her into bed. For the next week, her symptoms varied, pains here, there, in her neck, in her side, in her back.
Her original pulled muscles healed within three days, but instead of becoming well enough to get out of bed, the muscles in her lower back spasmed and have remained that way since. She can only walk a few steps, and is crying when she does. She won't go to see a doctor. So, now I appear to be an around-the-clock caretaker. I bring her everything she needs. She tells me that wine is the only thing that makes her spasms better, so I bring her a couple of glasses a day mixed with juice along with her meals.
This afternoon, however, I had to run errands. When I came home, she was completely wasted. Evidently she could walk well enough to make it all the way to the kitchen, where she downed half a bottle of Vodka. Sometimes during the past few years she drinks more than I can get her to eat.
I really don't know what to do. I have no one I can go to for assistance. I spent too many years attempting to get help from government and non-profit agencies for another (unrelated) problem, so I have zero faith in going that route. They hand you a pamphlet and that's it. No concrete help.
We don't have any friends. Her other children, my siblings, abandoned her years ago. At her age, my conscience won't let me do the same, however. If only I knew 20 years ago, what I know now, I would have used some tough love and left, telling her she had to take responsibility for herself.
The bedridden part of this worries me. I'm concerned this could turn into a serious decline, and am not certain how best to care for her since she refuses to seek medical care. Frankly, even if she did go to a doctor, they rarely know how to treat her. She can be exceptionally charming with strangers, and is never honest with doctors about her symptoms unless she feels she has no choice.
Four weeks ago my mother could move around easily, and for once appeared very happy, working industriously on a book project. When not drunk, she acts like someone much younger. People are surprised when they learn her age. When drunk, on the other hand, she acts like someone with dementia.
Any suggestions for how I could handle this on my own would be greatly appreciated. This last month has taken a toll on my ability care for her AND to earn a living for us. We don't have insurance that will cover therapy, even if I could drag her to a therapist.
Thank you.
But, my goodness, are you willing to stay trapped by this situation for another 10 years? 15? You can't leave overnight? She manipulates you with threats of suicide? She requires so much care now that it is impacting your ability to earn a living -- and you have to earn it for both of you?
Certainly you are not going to pack up and move out and let her figure out what to do next. But I think you need to do some figuring out about how to have a life of your own. Keep reading posts on these forums. You will learn all sort of creative ways people have dealt with very stressful issues.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You are not even responsible for her finances. The answer to how to best care for an elderly bedridden alcoholic mother is, I think, "not alone."
I know you have zero faith in government agencies, but I urge you to contact Aging Services in your state, or Social Services for your county, and have them evaluate the situation. They can advise you of what services are available for your mother. Perhaps she should apply for Medicaid. You will see many posts of people who have helped their parents with this.
My mother and also a disabled brother both have Medicaid and get various services to assist them to live independently. Yeah, it is not perfect and they are lucky to also have family to be supportive. But social services did not just give them a bunch of pamphlets. It is real, concrete help that makes a measurable difference in their lives.
Please don't give up on the possibility of real improvement in your life. You deserve it. It can happen.
I already got my mother on Medicaid, but our city has very few places that accept it. The local hospital ER is the place where most Medicaid patients end up, because they can't get an appointment elsewhere. Not ideal, and definitely not the way the system is meant to work.
I will check out al anon. Have thought of it before, but didn't believe I qualified. Yes, my father and grandfather were raging alcoholics, but my father abandoned us when I was born, so I never really knew him. Even though I put alcoholic in the title of this question, I'm not 100% certain my mother is an alcoholic. She doesn't drink every day, and she usually just drinks wine. For several weeks she'll go through most of a 1.5 litre bottle per day, and then say she's swearing it off and not drink any for a couple of days. Normally there isn't any of the hard stuff in the house. When there is, it's gone in a day or two at the most, but since it's not normally there, I don't know if she "needs" it or not.
A couple of years ago, when I was still working outside home, I would call her during the day to check on her, and her mental state terrified me, because I thought she might be getting Alzheimer's. It wasn't until she drove the couple of miles one day to pick me up after work, and I suddenly realized she had just driven drunk, that I knew the problem wasn't dementia. I took over all driving after that; it was time, anyway.
I am so sorry you are watching this.
Go to AlAnon and you will learn how powerless you are over the alcohol and you will learn that you are POWERFUL over your own life and your own life choices. You are not alone. We are here and the fellowship of Al-Anon contains hundreds of thousands of men and women who have faced the very same things you are facing. Day by Day you will learn to see the world differently and you will become unstuck.
does your mother have enough income to go into a board and care facility? my mother is on a very limited social security income, but she is in a good home now. the social interaction there has been very positive for her. she is still whiny, complaining, and needy when she calls me, but the calls are coming less frequently now.
The hard thing is, the only way this story changes is if YOU change it. She won't and can't. Your siblings aren't riding to the rescue. There is no one coming to take her off your hands and get her cleaned up.
So do you go another year, five years, ten years like this? You cannot fix her. Not all of you knows that yet. You are not a bad person to quit being manipulated. Not all of you knows that yet.
AlAnon can help more parts of you stand up for the rest of you. When you do, your mom will get a different kind of care that won't look like the picture today. But I promise, promise, promise you that it will be better care for you both. Sending love and blessings.
I'm not judging you, I'm just suggesting that you educate yourself. After doing that, you can make better decisions, based on new knowledge. I truly wish you happiness and peace. Cattails
All the best,
Bev
If she looks like she is in pain, get her into a hospital setting.
a group that i found Very helpful was Co-dependents Anonymous. they were more upbeat and were very much about making changes in my own life. they helped me realize that i could still reach my potential and enjoy some kind of joy and peace regardless of my circumstances. i'm not perfect mind you, still working on this. lolz.
How does your Mom feel about living in nursing home? This may sound cruel, but maybe that is where she needs to be for her own sake. Psych meds don't start working right away, so maybe she wasn't on it long enough.
If going to the Dr when she has a problem and he tells her nothing is wrongand she is better right away,if you can afford it, could you take her to the Dr. more often? Or maybe have her talk to him on the phone, making sure you can hear what the Dr says. God bless for all that you have done for your Mom, remember, to be a good caregiver, you have to take care of yourself.