Caregiver being exploited by family.

Hi, Woosterburd .. welcome to the site. Sorry to hear you're having issues. Can you be more specific? In what way do you feel bullied or exploited? Are you an independent caregiver, or working through an agency? What kind of advice are you seeking?

You'll find that most of the caregivers on this site are family members caring for another family member, and the dynamics of their relationships with the elder is very different from that of a paid caregiver. There are some of us who are not caring for a family member, and are paid to care for someone. I'm one of them, though I'm a live-in with my lady (who is a close friend) and I do it from the heart, as a way of life, more than as a job. I say this, because .. as you read through the site, you'll find many families disgruntled (and rightly so) with outside caregivers, so have some patience and be willing to open your heart, here.

I am very familiar with caregiving and am employed by families that care NOT to care for their own,,,,out of sight out of mind...I am in an awakward situation here, where the POA really wants to dump the mother in a nursing home .....so tghey tell her that I am no good and since there is no good help around nursing home is much better...as for my being bullied??? I was threathened by the POA not to say a word if I was called to court on the clients behalf....I am ready to call APS.......my heart is very open, but to the client and NOT the GREEDY family

As LadeeC asked, are you privately hired by the family or through an agency? and how are you being bullied? You also have not stated what the medical condition of the POA's mother is. Is she mentally incompetent as well?

as caregiver, paid or family member you are expected by law to advocate on behalf of the patient. our carer contract specifically states that. courts are all about facts and exposing fraudulent motives. advocate for your patient and let the judge shred the family like so much confetti. keep a care log to dispute claims of inadequate care. even the patients social life is your responsibility. cover your actions on paper and a judge may appoint a public conservator with your job remaining intact. when families bicker, judges appoint professionals. do an extraordinarily good job, keep a daily log and youll look like the only one in court with any degree of common sense and professionalism. just for everyones information my next entry will cover some expected duties from our professionally prepared carer agreement.

If you do not speak out in court, the bullies get their way and will likely "dump" Mom. Do you work for an agency? I would be sure to go on record with your concerns. If not with an agency, I would keep careful notes as to what these people do that is detrimental to her care - how often they call and harangue her or you- and more likely - document how rarely anyone comes to visit or care for her. You might also have a third party (parties) - preferably medical professionals, come to check on her periodically see that you are providing good care.
The bottom line is if they have it out for you, there is nothing you can do to prevent them from moving her, short of going to court. I would guess it very unlikely for a court to make you a custodian if there is family. I am suggesting documenting everything and getting witnesses because anyone mean enough to bully, etc is also likely to smear you if necessary to get their way and justify their actions. That could not only result in Mom being moved but make it difficult for you to find new work.
From your concerns, if the family has their way, they are probably going to make a snap decision and/or go for someplace cheap and easy. Perhaps you can do some homework and make it as easy as possible for them to pick a good facility. They are either too busy or lazy or both to deal with Mom, if you do the work for them, they may take the path of least resistance and at least put her someplace you can feel good about.

briefly im expected to;monitor physical and mental health and secure the medical help that becomes needed.take care of personal needs , social,physical, entertainment,personal hygiene.assist activities of daily living,bathing, eating, dressing,toileting.shopping for supplies and food with the patients money.nutritional meals shall be presentedcarer shall provide laundering servicecarer shall deliver quality indoor housecleaning.carer will perform outdoor maintenance, snow removal, lawn care, etc.visitation socialization and entertainment shall be managed by the carer.carer will summon appropriate social services assistance if necessary.carer is to advocate for the patient should outside forces be trying to force patient into a higher or institutionalized level of care unnecessarily. this last one has been real for us as hosspiss has pressured us for months to get mom into one of those utopian care homes we all hear so much about. they were seeing dollar signs and occasionally my big fists. lol..mom aint goin into a care home until mom, doc and cappy say so..
aps told me im responsible for what happens here in this home so everybody who comes thru our door need to be prepared to deal with me. thats how delegating authority works.

Wooster .. I have a feeling you thought my questions were meant to be antagonistic towards you. Please trust they were not in any way intended that way. It's just that to reach out to you with help, it helps to know more.

And, I meant an open heart, in here. Most of us are very vulnerable in here (not weak .. open). When we open up a lot o' cans o' worms, we get lots of support and some damned good advice.

I hafta tell ya .. if I were in your shoes, my first reaction to the threat would be to counterthreat with calling in APS. THEN I'd have to ask myself if that really served my client well. THEN I'd decide the POA could go to hell and threaten all s/he wanted and when the time came I'd blow the whistle sky high. With all the notes and records I kept along the way. BTW .. I'd include a synopsis of every conversation I had with the family, medical people we came into contact with .. oh, heck .. everyone .. and my actions following them.

One of the reasons we've been asking if you're working through an agency is that you should be able to take your concerns to the admin. I'm guessing you're independent, tho. (So am I.) How long have you been with this family? Long enough that your client knows/likes you? Are you familiar with their family dynamics? Without divulging to her what you know her POA is saying, can you get a feeling of how she feels about you? Is she cognizant enough to make any of her own decisions? (Just because there's a person with POA, doesn't mean that she isn't competent, herself. Just asking.)

Hope the pressure lets up soon! Keep coming back for help. We're here.

thanks everyone for the kind words. I am private, and was promised long term work. The POA is the bully, and then the family follows. Even the outside medical staff feels that there is a problem with the Poa/daughter of the woman I care for . She has PD, and needs 24/7 care. I was told I could work outside of my duties, well, I can't. this lady needs help. All the other cheap, outside help hjired has stolen from this lady. One is even in jail!!! I am the best they have ever had, and still it is not enough. The POA says I do to much and that I am over qualified for the job.....She is constantly making comments to her mother about putting herf in a nursing home. The poor lady cries when she leaves, but loves her just the same. The POA continues to tell me that there is not enough money to keep us both going. That makes NO sense to me when my client has an income from SSI...I believe the POA/daughter is "dipping" and knows that I may know this about her because I am the first one ever hired with a college education and a brain. I earn room and board plus 125 a week at 24/7.....and everyday is hell when the POA shows up complkaining about yet another issue in her trajic unstable life. They gave me a week to get out . I have no money saved, becajuse there was none to be made. What extra money I did earn I put into my clients garden to make it nice for her and her alone. I am in a strange town and have no friends. On top of all that I am broke. I have done nothing wrong to be terminated. Even the outside med staff knows that I am the best care giver that has ever been hired. I do have notes and all my receipts from being here. I was told by a nurse to call APS and to get a lawyer. The reson for my termination is to put her in a nursing home, where she does NOT belong at all......and it will take awhile because that also takes money and an available bed, which are few and far here in Northern Virginia. I have never been more bullied or spoken poorly to in my life by a POA. My Client knows what is happening but becomes a "cameleon" around her daughter/Poa and will not stick up for me or speak kindly on my behalf.....because she also fears her daughter. Fear in the sense that she always brings up Nursing home or asks if she is stupid all the time. She treats her like dirt then says she loves her . A day trip in the car is a ride from hell. I never look forward to a day out with them, or even when she visits the house. the other family wants nothing to do with caring for her, and the POA is a burn-out big time. Beside legal action and APS what can I do for myself??? I am a mess inside and out, I am tired and just starting to feel used and expendable all because of an uncaring family and their own issues. How many clients family members tell horror stories about each other to the care-giver?? I was misled into believing that the job was light and the salary would be double what I am making and that there was also enough free time to have an outside job......NOT TRUE at all. I am up ships creek in a strange land. This stuff has never happened to me before and I am scared for myself and fear that my client will be put in a "lesser" nursing home facility before her time....she should have enough to support herself but like I said: I believe that the POA has dipped heavily into her own mothers pockets

I don't understand why you would allow yourself to be in this kind if a predicament
especially since you are "college educated" and have a "brain". If I were you I would be looking for outside help programs like the county assistance office to help guide you towards indepence....apart from this families "issues".

Some battles are not worth fighting and you have to respect the families wishes. Move on and know that there are jerks everywhere so don't try to control their behavior but also know that sometimes a nursing home is last resort because of overwhelming needs.

You have to take care of yourself first so that you be stable. Getting caught up in power struggles will only distract from pursuing your need of independence.

I see typo errors on my last comment....I am using my iPod and the screen is really tiny.

Detaching yourself from drama in this life is necessary for mental health and
Stability.

yes, I will and am moving on ...and when I do I will be contacting APS as well as an employment lawyer.....I am a college educated person, we also DO THIS work.....I have been doing this for a long time in Vermont and never have I been treated with such distain.......I really never tried to change this families why of thinking.....how absurd, but they did make promises and did not meet them....I have a gift for "detaching" from certain situations, that's why I am good at this work....but the family is another issue in this case, and moving on is the only thing for me left to do.....then when settled I get legal on them ...be kind Give-a Hug

You are an employee of the family. If you are being bullied, leave. Really. It's time for you to seek out new employment..

The family has every right to decide appropriate placement for their parent. A NH can provide 24/7 care that is more comprehensive than what you can provide for their parent's growing needs.

You are understandably worried about your own livelihood, but the family is rightfully concerned about their parent's long term care.

I wish CLH777's answer was off the mark. *sighs* But, I don't think it is. To be honest, unless you have direct evidence that the POA has been dipping, I doubt the courts would rule in your or your client's favor. Most courts favor the family connection, without solid proof (and opinions, whether by professionals or other observers probably don't count for much, except to diagnose her condition) to the contrary. On the surface, putting mom in a facility might be considered good, solid caregiving by the family.

At this point, I'd say it's time to move on. Contact the medical professionals with whom you've had contact through your client and ask for referrals (and see if they'll give you references .. many might).

Some hard questions (not suggesting you answer here .. it's enough to know your own answers) :
.. ask yourself, when she's in a facility, would you continue to visit, if allowed?
.. how much of your very real angst is the sudden decision and the feeling of helplessness?
.. how much is your reaction due to the bullying? (successful bullies seem to know exactly which buttons to push)

If you can manage to separate yourself from your reactions, you might consider suggesting to the POA, "Listen, I really care about your mom, and if you're convinced a facility will do better than I do, let me stay until the actual transition? I won't get in your way, and I'll do my best to make the transition easier. Leaving her home is going to be hard enough." (or something along those lines)

One of the things I'm considering is: Under most circumstances, moving to a facility will cost the mom's finances WAY more than in-home care (especially at $125 out of pocket, a week). So, maybe (seen from the POA's perspective) s/he's really responding out of fear.

A little story: when I first started working with my lady, the family was all, "come on in .. be a part of the family." First, I have enough dysfunction in my real family that the invitation just gave me the shivers. Second, what I told them was, "I really can't and be an effective advocate for your mom. MY purpose here is to care for her, to the very best of my ability, in spite of or despite your concepts or wishes" (at that time Edna was still legally responsible for herself, with the eldest daughter as POA) It took a while, but they finally learned to respect my position (especially when Edna improved, rather than continued to fail). Unfortunately, at this point, you don't HAVE the time. Unless you can convince the POA that you won't stand in the way.

Meh .. not sure why I shared that story, but I'll go with my instincts.

WOOSTERBUD, THIS IS A DYSFUNCTIONAL SITUATION FOR YOU, AND UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR PATIENT WILL SUFFER. THAT BEING SAID, IT APPEARS YOUR COLLEGE DEGREE AND WORK ETHIC WILL LIKELY GET YOU A BETTER SUITED JOB. IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD SEEK ANOTHER POSITION. IT IS TOO BAD FOR YOUR PATIENT, BUT IT SEEMS THE POA WANTS YOU OUT OF THE PICTURE. THE POA HAS THE UPPER HAND, AND THIS IS NOT WORTH THE FIGHT FOR YOU. I AM SORRY FOR YOUR PATIENT, THOUGH.

LaDcee Thank you very much.....everyone, thanks for the input. There is so much more to this story, but now I leave and let this Southern Family figure this mess out. I do feel bad for Charlotte.....with only PD,and immobility, see is sharp as a tack and full of Stories of the South...( I am from Vermont )....be well charlotte....be well. Thanks all!

As a paid caregiver myself, I absolutely understand how you feel... I had a situation where there was no doubt my elder was being abused by her daughter and I was also a live in...... long story short... I made sure the HH nurses knew of the situation..... and they ended up intervening and having her placed until I healed from a broken leg...but the cat was out of the bag.... she did come back home, and died there later... under my care.... I did not leave, tho I wanted to....but couldn't bring myself to leave her alone with family....do what your heart tells you to do.... and if she does go to a NH, then make yourself a part of that, and you can still advocate for her....Apparently the family won't be visiting, so you can come and go and keep an eye on her. That's what I did while my lady was in the NH... broken leg and all....If I had it to do over... I would call APS in a heartbeat.... let us know what happens...