Confused, alone, and feeling selfish......
My name is Sarah , I am 23 years old, I finished high school at 16 so 5 years ago I was 2 years into a RN program at a great school, I was working, in college, and even had a home of my own, my mother had a massive stroke leaving her left side paralyzed I quit everything school, work, have up my home, and my life to give my mother 24/7 care at 18 and I swear I didnt mind Id do it all over again, in the last 5 years Ive found out I have psoriasis, an enlarged portion of my heart and I cant even afford to to go the dentist, my father and sister both work and live in the home, and they dont even try to help me I found a doctor that income based I remember 2 years ago I asked my sister for 20 bucks for an appointment , mind you she has a state job and had just gotten paid...she looked at me and said "you hhave the nerve to ask me for anything?" so I get no treatment for any of my conditions Ive seriously considered prostitution lol but I digress its arguments everyday, Im not doing enough, why dont I get a job...Ive gotten two jobs since Ive been there the first was a great job, my father said I couldnt drive his car that far the one he had "given" me ..so I had to quit before I started, then a year later they asked me to get cable in my name, and they let it get cut off and left an $800 bill in my name, a few months later a got hired at a federal job and most are credit based, the day I went to sign the last of the paper work I was fired because my credit score had dropped...so yet another disappointment courtesy of my family. So 2 years ago my dad started getting my my dressed in the morning so for the last two years I have just been sitting at home doing nothing...my life is in ruin, they work from 7-5, and 4-7 so Im always home alone...the vehicle i was using has broken down so the rare times I can get an appointment or the money to pay for it, I can barely get a ride...I hate my life I drink way to much , cry myself to sleep at night, and the kicker is...for the last five years I have begged and pleaded for my dad to consider home health care and he will not budge.....and about a year after my mom came home from the hospital, I had a terrible argument with my father, he even told me to pack my **** and get out of his house and as I was leaving he stood at the door and told my mother I was leaving because I didnt love her, and didnt want to take care of her anymore...I cant understand why he'd do that..so that is my reason for hesitation as far as leaving, I want a life, I sit in the house all day all night..alone....crying... Ive gained 100 lbs in 5 years...Im ready to leave Im trying to set up home health care for my mother, and I dont know how its going to go over, Im not sure where to start, I want to move to Richmond, Va , Ive had 4 offers from up there and Im excited about a few its only 1 and 45 minutes from my parents Id have weekends off and most of the summer ..Id be home plenty....So I guess my question is am I selfish for wanting to leave.....
Go.
Go to Richmond (a charming city), take a good job, get benefits, get yourself to a clinic for counseling and medical treatment of your depression. Take care of YOU.
I suspect that your father and sister will take up the slack in caring for your mother, if they have to. Your presence is enabling their bad behavior. Go.
You are obviously extremely intelligent, finishing school so quickly. But you may not have relationship smarts. Being raised in that family that is understandable. What you think was/is the right thing to do was/is the wrong thing to do. Putting up with abuse encourages more abuse. Get out of there as fast as you can reasonably arrange it. If you have a friend willing to help you on your final day that may avoid Dad standing in the doorway.
Once you are out of that horrid situation your native intelligence and some counseling will help you develop an appreciation of normal healthy relationships. I'd say that is critical before even thinking of developing a close relationship that could lead to marriage.
Go.
Continue to write and call your mother after you move. If someone intercepts her mail or the phone calls, you have no control over that. If she has a friend or a church group or even a book club you can contact, perhaps they would pass on cards and letters from you. Cross those bridges if/when you come to them. For now, start on the path of healing you.
Congrats on getting your education! Woo-hoo for you! Keep at it...
Honoring or respecting someone does not mean that you allow the to walk all over you & take advantage of you. You are not selfish at all for wanting a life of your own. Yes it is going to be scary, most changes are scary. After all, you are facing the unknown, but where will you be in a year, or five years if you stay where you are?
There are lots of resources out there, it just takes some time to find them & ask about them & those that cant help, ask them if they know just who else you could contact.
You said you've given yourself a month... I sure hope & pray to hear a month from now all about your new & exciting life!
You are in my thoughts prayers!
In your particular case I don't think Oreo's advice applies. Do not confide in another pastor. They are too apt to know your father and perhaps take his side out of loyalty or because they have heard his twisted view of the situation. If there is someone else you can trust, fine. But let's leave the clergy out of this case.
Also, pouring your heart out to your mother may or may not produce the results you would like. She may not wish you to go out and make a life for yourself. She may share your father's view that you "owe" her and need to "honor" her by by totally being a servant to her. (I don't know her, but I know "religious" couples like this.) Think about it carefully before you pour your heart out. Certainly tell her you love her. Assure her that you aren't leaving because you don't love her, but because it is time for you to make the most of the talent and potential God has given you. But more than that? I'm not so sure.
Your father is right about one thing. You won't get anywhere in life by abandoning your responsibilities. It is NOT your responsibility to take care of his wife. That is HIS responsibility (by hiring or arranging appropriate care). Your responsibility is to develop your skills and talents and go forth in the world as the best person you can be. To be a good citizen, a good life partner and parent if that is your lot in life, a good nurse or whatever career you decide upon, and a good caring daughter. To insist that your only role is as a daughter is to reject what most people consider God's plan for young people.
Please take care of yourself. And let us know how your plan is unfolding.
We all want to hear about it when you are back in nursing school where you belong.
..t now its I dont know ....my brothers and sisters and I are all educated all thanks to them...they aren't bad..just different.....
Try to put this emotional abuse behind you (and you must find good friends, support group, or affordable therapist to help you thru this). Move on and know that you love your mom; sacrificed much of your early adulthood to help out. Everyone needs to realize that her level of care is more than a young person can handle. Caring for a stranger is much different than caring for your own family and certainly much easier because you don't have bias.
Go forth, emancipate yourself and grow into the strong, independent, lovely woman you were meant to be.
We all need to lift and encourage Sara so that she is able to leave home and feel that this is a healthy and normal and good thing to do.
It is not your responsibility to set up in-home care for your mother, when your father won't even cooperate by giving you information. Leave. Now. He will either step up to HIS responsibilities or he won't. Your responsibility now is to become the best person you can be. And I have a feeling that is a very good person indeed.