I need guidance and support. I cannot handle my ungrateful mother any more. I am divorced and work full time and spent everyday taking care of her needs. She lived with my cousin for a few years and she couldn't take it anymore. She was kicked out of Senior Housing for vandalism. My brother is a bum and lives in another State. My children are all grown and I don't share the burden with them. I'm 61, when is my turn to live? I am about to tell her she has to leave and she is 88. I truly do not like her. Help!
Meanwhile, my solutions when my mom was experiencing this problem were Depends ladies' pull ups - as butterfly suggested - (Walmart, Target and Walgreens also have less expensive generic versions that were just as absorbent as the Depends, but the padding was bulkier and my mom didn't like the fit as well) and a fitted waterproof mattress pad - similar to what ladee mentioned - ( I always got mine at Walmart and had already been using them on my own bed because I had a menagerie of animals and a couple of cats that liked to pee on my bedding: I had three mattress pads that I rotated so I could strip the bed when an accident had occurred and had a fresh dry one to put back on immediately).
Then I use one more thing that was helpful but not until I found the right one. At Target, I bought a washable localized mattress pad. About 3 by 4 feet that sits directly under the tush area. Wrong! It was flimsy and bunched up under her. She hated it. I was actually looking for the type a protective padding to used at the skilled nursing facility she had stayed in when she got out of the hospital. Just about the same size but definitely thicker: textured (not as slippery) vinyl on one side and white quilted padding on the other, washable of course. I tried to find them online at a store where I could just go in and buy them. No luck! I finally found exactly what I wanted, which were pads exactly like the nursing home had had, at Dr Leonard's.com and they were perfect.
At the nursing home, they would use these with or without a diaper depending on the patient's needs. At home, I would simply place one over the sheets for my mom in the early stages. She was wearing Depends to but sometimes she would speak them off. Most of the time unless we had overlap where her tush got off the pad, all we had to do was change your depends and change pad. As time we're on, she sometimes didn't like the pad so I solved that problem by placing the pad under the sheet. Then when there was an accident, I also had to change the sheet as well as the underpad. Still easier than changing the whole bed every time.
This site isn't all about women taking care of their mothers but, tommy, please try sharing your actual experiences and how YOU came to your way of thinking
.. Get a water repellent mattress pad (so that the urine cannot leak into the mattress)
.. there are paper and cloth 'chucks' (usually square or rectangular shaped repellent backed quilted cloths) for directly under her body, to catch the majority. You can use these under and/or over the sheet
.. there are washable 'incontinence underwear' that are fairly absorbent, but won't 'catch' a full bladder release and don't feel quite so bulky as the pads
.. it's even better for her (not for YOUR sleep, but .. ) if you can figure out what time she's likely peeing and coax her to get up for the toilet
.. if you can figure out when she pees at night, work timewise backwards, and stop fluids so that her last pee is just before bed (but do NOT reduce the amounts of fluids, that's bad, too)
.. if she's got enough presence of mind, help her do kegels (Yes, it's possible to help retrain the bladder. The easiest method I know is to stop/start the stream of pee.)
.. there are meds that help incontinence (at least at the beginning), both topical and oral; consult your GP or a Urologist
.. do NOT yell at her .. it only adds to everyone's stress level. She's embarrassed enough as it is (it's why she refuses to wear the pads, really), and you're stressed enough
.. read these threads:
. . . . https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bed-wetting-in-Elderly-Seniors-133823.htm
. . . . https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/incontinence-136291.htm
. . . (there are several more .. do a site search for "bedwetting")
GOOD luck and blessings!
wet herself and the bed for the first time. I spent the whole day washing sheets,
the bedspread and the mattress pad.The next night she slept with a pad and the next morning it was soaked. I prasied her for wearing it, the same thing happen the next night. Tonight she refused to put one on. She said she hated
wearing them and I could not make her. I have bought different brands and types but she complains about the all. I am at my witts end.
We women are expected to deal with the elderly and often the male relatives don't even believe the caretakers stories. (been there). Yep, you are on the wrong site guy.
Exhausted: As Emjo and SelfSib have stated your time to live is NOW. You are 61 and you've paid your dues big-time. If you are unwilling to see assistance from your children or homehealthcare services, then it is probably time to put her into an NH. She is 88 and it won't get any better. However, as others have said, a complete physical/mental eval would be advisable before taking that step. In the meantime you need a break. Your Mom has Medicare, and possibly a seconday Medigap policy and/or a Long Term Care policy? You are entitled to some assistance that these policies can provide. When you take her to the doctor, also ask for a script to call for a home health evalutation by a home care agency. Be there during the eval. The nurse will help you establish a plan of care (what they can do, what you can do, what your Mom needs, etc.) and they will coordinate with the medical insurers. Take this help. You are entitled. If you have truly reached the end of your rope, then consider the NH. It would be the kindest route for both of you.
You can't keep up the schedule you been maintaining. Seems like you've been the end of the road for her and maybe you feel a little bit guilty about being the one who actually places her in a nursing home. But please be aware that nursing home placement is not necessarily the end of her management for you.
If you end up being the one in charge of her medical needs or her person (by way off HPOA or conservatorship / guardianship), you will still need to supervise her care at the home and with her doctors. If she is not living with you, you will be less tired and more clear headed in your dealings with them and it should improve the quality of interface you have with her.
Just do your best - that's all that should be expected of anyone.
Exhausted - when is it your time to live? The day you decide it is. We don't realize that many times, our answers lie within. I care for my narcissistic mother and angry demented father. It's a nightmare. But I've decided it is their nightmare. My mother will never live with me. My dad is in a NH, I visit twice a week and do his laundry. Sad? Absolutely, but I didn't create this situation. They did by not planning for their future. Ugh. I do what I can, then I put my own family and myself first. I would follow Emjo's advise. She is awesome and right on target. Write us more so we can help.
xo
-SS
it will happen to you when u get Old.
Be understanding or send her to a home where they can keep her safe.